by Sarah Delany
Since the party on Friday, Penny has moved seats and taken up the seat next to me in English. The seat Tate once occupied. She’s fast becoming a good friend of mine. It’s nice to have a girl around, instead of only the guys to talk to. Sometimes a girl needs some good girl talk.
So this is where I find myself on Wednesday in English, sitting between Scott and Penny.
“Hey, would you want to come over to my house after school?” Penny whispers to me, while Mr. Barnes blabbers on about something I am not paying attention to.
“Sure, what did you want to do?” I whisper back.
“Could watch some Netflix and binge on junk?” she asks.
“Sounds perfect,” I say, smiling at her. “Can I catch a ride home with you and you drop me off later?” I ask, because I can’t drive and I don’t have a car.
“Yeah sure, that’s fine” she says, smiling.
Scott overhears our conversation and whispers, “Can I come?” pleading at us with his best puppy dog eyes.
“No. I need some girl time,” I tell him, holding in my laughter at his sad face so Mr. Barnes doesn’t catch us talking.
“I could be an honorary girl,” he beseeches, and I have to cover my mouth to stop the giggles from spilling over.
“Next time,” I say, once I’ve calmed myself enough to speak.
“Fine,” he says, pouting.
After school, I walk with Penny over to JP’s car to fill the guys in on my plan. None of them look happy to be excluded from my plans. It’s not like I hang out with them out of school all the time.
“How about I make it up to you guys by having a sleepover on Friday?” I tell them, trying to cheer them up, and it works.
“Cool with me,” Rafe says.
“Sounds good,” Scott says.
JP chimes in with, “Sweet.” I say my goodbyes and walk away with Penny.
When we are out of ear shot she says, “Did I hear that right? You have sleepovers together?” She looks at me, with a questioning stare.
“Yeah, it’s a long story,” I say, not used to having to explain me and the guys’ situation before.
She links her arm with me and says, “Lucky we have all afternoon then.” I quickly flick a text to my mum before I hop in Penny’s car. I let her know I’ve gone to a friend’s house and I’ll be home later. I don’t want her worrying.
As we sit on her couch, taking turns painting each others’ toenails, I fill her in on how me and the guys became friends. I also spill my guts and tell her all about Tate.
“Aww Tamsyn, you know what I think?” she says, after she’s listened to everything I told her.
“What?” I am desperate to hear another girl’s opinion on the situation.
“I think he’s hurting from losing his sister and didn’t know what he was doing. You know what it’s like to lose someone close to you. You can’t think clearly, let alone make rational decisions when it’s all so raw. Give him time. I’m sure he will come around,” she says. Hearing it from another girl makes my heart lighter.
“You think so?” I ask, hopeful.
“I know so. Plus who could resist you? You’re hot, girlfriend,” she says, and we both crack up laughing.
“And if he doesn’t come back, I will help you find another hunk to sink your teeth into,” she says, winking at me. My heart throbs at the thought of not being with Tate, but I quickly push the thought aside and choose to laugh with Penny instead.
“Now, fill me in on everything about JP,” she says, with a twinkle in her eye. This girl has it bad.
We spend the rest of the afternoon gossiping about people at school and I tell her everything of importance I can think of, when it comes to JP. Which I must say isn’t much. I will have to put my sleuthing skills to work and get some juicy information out of him, without him suspecting. Most of my time with the guys had been so focussed on Tate I hadn’t gotten to know the guys on a deeper level. This needs to change.
She puts on Ten Things I Hate About You and we binge on popcorn and chocolate before she drops me home. I fall asleep in bed, thinking it was the best day I’ve had in a long time. I wish they could all be this good.
Chapter 7
-- Tamsyn --
It’s Friday night and as promised, I have organised for the guys to come around for a sleepover. So here they are, setting up the mattresses on my floor in their usual spots. I don’t know when to drop my bombshell. I guess now is as good a time as any.
“Sooo I… ummm… invited Penny to our sleepover,” I say quietly, while biting my lip. They turn my way and then glance at each other.
Scott shrugs and Rafe says, “That’s fine with us. We like Penny.” Their response has my mouth popping open. “You might want to close your mouth Petal before a bug flies in,” Rafe adds, and they all laugh as one. “Are you shocked we don’t mind?” he asks after he calms down.
“To be honest, yes. We haven’t had any new people in our group for a while and I wasn’t sure if you guys would mind her crashing the sleepover. I asked her before I thought about what you guys might think,” I say in a rush, taking a big breath once I’m finished.
Rafe comes over, stands in front of me and grabs both my shoulders saying, “We like that you’ve made a new friend and Penny is cool. Any time you want to include her, feel free to.” I can’t help but smile in response. I’m lucky these guys have stuck by me through everything.
“Tamsyn, someone is at the door for you,” my mum calls from downstairs, so I leave the guys to finish off and skip down the stairs to greet Penny. She’s standing there in a black tank top and matching sleep shorts with skull bones on them. She has black fluffy slippers on her feet, her hair in pigtail plaits and is hugging a pillow to her chest with a bag slung over her shoulder. Man, she looks good even in pajamas. She makes me feel so skinny next to her perfect hourglass figure.
“Oh my gosh, aren’t you the cutest sleepover buddy,” I say, and it earns a smile from her.
“I haven’t been to a sleepover in forever,” she says, biting her fingernails.
“I’m glad you came,” I say, smiling at her. “Mum, this is my friend Penny. Penny, this is my mum,” I say, gesturing between them.
“Hi Penny, it’s nice to meet you.”
“Hi Mrs. Winter, thanks for having me,” Penny says, swaying side to side.
“You can call me Tanya. Honestly, it’s no trouble at all. Especially with the boys here. You would think they would be rowdy but they are surprisingly quite tame,” Mum says.
“Come Penny, let’s go up to my room,” I say, as I take the bag off her shoulder and carry it for her. We start the trek up the stairs and I notice Penny glancing around, admiring my house.
“Thanks for inviting me Tamsyn,” she says quietly, before we hit the top of the stairs. I can tell it means a lot to her. I still don’t understand how this lovely girl doesn’t have any close friends. It’s a good thing we found each other.
“It’s no problem at all,” I say, and I lead her to my room where I can hear the guys already debating about which movie to start with. When we enter, I fake a cough to get their attention. As soon as they lay eyes on Penny, it’s dead quiet as they all ogle her with their eyes. She squirms under their blatant perusal of her and I can’t blame her. I’m starting to feel a bit uncomfortable too.
“Umm guys, eyes up here,” I say, as I point my fingers at my eyes, hoping they understand. Rafe drops his head and rubs his forehead, Scott turns a bright pink which stretches all the way down his neck and JP smirks, not caring he got caught checking Penny out.
“Sorry,” Rafe and Scott say together, but again JP stands there not saying a word. He doesn’t look sorry at all. I should play matchmaker with Penny and JP. They both seem to like each other. I thought it was Rafe I would have to worry about but because she’s my friend, he sees her as a no go zone. The guys
have never looked at me like that but then my mind flickers to Tate. He’s probably the reason they don’t look at me other than a friend. It wouldn’t feel right anyway, I think of them like brothers.
“We were just trying to decide on a movie,” Scott pipes in, trying to change the subject and rid the room of the awkwardness.
“What’s it between?” I ask.
“John Wick or The Notebook,” Rafe says, and then he cheekily smiles at Penny and says, “Penny, if you can guess which one was my pick then you can choose the movie.”
She glances at the rest of us like it’s a trap, and then hesitantly says, “John Wick?”
“Err wrong. One thing you need to know about me Penny. I’m a lover not a fighter, unless I’m dealing with trash. I love me some romance movies. And hot babes. Always hot babes,” he says, and we all bend over laughing. Rafe always knows how to break the ice. “So The Notebook it is. We can watch John Wick afterwards,” he says happily, as he gets his way.
“Penny, you can sleep in the bed with me,” I tell her. “Oh, come with me and I’ll show you where the bathroom is.” She follows me out of the room and down the hall as the guys finish sorting the movie. Scott runs downstairs to hunt for snacks. “Here’s the bathroom,” I say, gesturing towards it. “Are you okay?” I whisper to her, in case the guys can overhear us.
“Am I dressed okay?” she says, pulling on her sleep shorts, trying to magically make them longer.
“You look fine, Penny. It’s not your fault you look hot when you go to sleepovers,” I say, covering my giggles with my hand.
“Oh my gosh Tamsyn, I nearly died when they were all staring at me. When I dress up for my parties, I don’t get looks like that,” she says, and we bend over giggling some more.
“You should start wearing your pajamas to parties instead,” I say between our laughs, and we turn to walk back to the room.
Before we enter the room, I lean close into Penny and cover my mouth so the guys can’t see and whisper in her ear, “Now don’t gawk at the guys when they take off their shirts to sleep.” With a wide smile on my face, I skip into the room and jump into bed, looking over at a frozen Penny in the doorway. I can’t help but laugh at the wide eyes on her face. “Come on Penny, into bed,” I say, patting the space next to me where I put her pillow. She shakes her head, hurries over and pulls the cover over her lap. I feel her fingers give my thigh a pinch. I let out a squeal and it has her laughing.
“Hey, keep it down you two,” Rafe says, smiling from where he’s standing in front of the T.V, trying to find The Notebook.
Scott comes in with his arms piled full of snacks and drops them on the bed in front of me and Penny. I snatch the gummy aeroplanes before the guys can steal them. Penny holds back, watching the guys as they take their favoured snacks, leaving the rest in front of me and her. JP flicks off the light and pushes the door so it’s wide open, how my mum likes it. Rafe is the first to take off his shirt and his pants follow, leaving his boxers on. JP takes his shirt off but chooses to sleep in his basketball shorts. Scott leaves both his t-shirt and shorts on, hopping into his makeshift bed as he is.
I nudge Penny with my arm and whisper, “You’ve got some drool here.” I touch the side of my mouth, trying to keep my laughter from escaping. She nudges me back and we fall back onto our pillows in a fit of giggles.
“You two better not be giggling the whole movie,” I hear Rafe say from his mattress, but I hear the smile in his voice and know he’s happy I’ve made a new friend. So we snuggle down into the bed, devouring our treats and for once, I manage to stay up and watch two movies, enjoying every minute of it.
-- Tate --
I can’t sleep. I never can these days. My mind runs in circles, wired and tired at the same time but it won’t let me sleep. It doesn’t matter how exhausted my body is either because it’s my mind controlling me now. I only sleep when it lets me, which is not very often. It would rather torment me when it can. I usually have my numb switch turned on, but pretending to be alright at school is draining so much out of me. This allows my switch to glitch from time to time, and the emotions I keep away, flood over me and pull me in.
I’m lying here, staring into the darkness like I have for the last few hours, wishing for sleep I know will not come. It’s been a long week back at school and I’m glad the term is nearly over. For the two week break, I can stop pretending. I hear my phone vibrate on my bedside table. The light from the screen brightens the room for a few seconds, giving me time to grab it. It’s after midnight so I don’t know who would be texting me this late. I unlock it and see it’s a picture message from JP. Before I can second guess myself, I open it and my breath catches. It’s Tamsyn. She’s asleep in her bed, curled up on her side with her soft chocolate waves fanning out behind her, cuddling her pillow to her chest. He captioned it, “Sleepover. The only thing missing is you.’
My heart pounds out of my chest, my palms get sweaty and tingle. Short, shallow breaths follow and I know it won’t be long before I pass out from my panic attack. No matter what I do, she cuts me open. This is why I can’t be around her. She makes me feel way more than I’m ready to feel. I miss my girl so much but how can I be her hero when I’m drowning in my own pain? I stare at her sleeping form, wishing I was there holding her in my arms. Knowing I’d rather sink into the darkness by fainting than try and save myself at this point. That’s why I’m no good to her now. How can I save her when I’m unwilling to save myself?
Chapter 8
-- Tate --
I’ve spent all Saturday in bed, ignoring my phone. I couldn’t bring myself to delete the picture of Tamsyn, but knowing it is on there is forcing me to avoid my phone. I could stare at her photo all day if I knew it wasn’t going to send me into a downward spiral every time I saw it. I’d be lying to myself if I said I didn’t miss her. How could I not miss her? She thought I was her lifeline but in reality she was mine. Keeping me above water for as long as she could. I had to let her go and push her away. I don’t want to be saved from this darkness. It’s what keeps me safe for now. Keeps me safe from the pain I’m not ready to face. How can I face a life without Quinn? My sister. My twin. How does one come to terms with losing a sibling? How am I supposed to live without her? How can I ever feel whole again when my other half is missing? My questions remain unanswered because I’m not ready to face them yet. So I push them aside as they float through my mind, ignoring the pricks of pain associated with them.
My mum knocks on my door before she enters and I see the sorrow in her eyes, but I choose to ignore it. I can’t deal with her pain when I’m using all my energy to keep myself together.
“Tate, why don’t you put some sheets on your bed?” she suggests, eyeing the bare mattress. I still haven’t replaced the sheets from my sweat inducing nightmare when JP was still here. I ignore the comment and continue to stare at the ceiling. “Do you want to come out to dinner with your dad and I?” she asks, hopeful I might say yes.
“No Mum, I’m fine here,” I tell her, not looking her way. I didn’t realise it was evening already. I wasted the day away, sitting in the same spot.
“Alright son, we won’t be long. Ring me if you need me,” she pleads, as she closes the door behind her. Mum and Dad are trying to live as normally as they can after losing Quinn. I think they are doing it for my benefit, trying to get back to some type of normalcy. I don’t take much notice of what they do these days. I’m too lost in my own suffering to worry about them.
I know sleep won’t come but I don’t want to leave my bed. I need to numb the voices in my head. There’s only one solution for my problem. Alcohol. I wait until I hear the front door close behind my parents as they leave, then I listen for their car as it starts and drives away. I pull myself from my new favoured spot and drag myself to the liquor cabinet. My parents aren’t huge drinkers but at the wake they had a lot of alcohol left over which has now taken up residen
ce in our cabinet. They won’t notice if one bottle is missing. I scan the labels to view my choices. I grasp the glass bottle with the brown liquor swimming inside and traipse back to my room. Choosing to sit on the floor and face the door, I grab my phone, switch on a playlist and turn it up as loud as I can. Hoping the mix of loud music and alcohol will drown the voices out.
I don’t bother mixing the alcohol, not caring about the burn in my throat as the liquid travels to my belly. Only caring about the reprieve it will eventually give me. I’m a quarter of the way through the bottle when I notice the buzz beginning to take hold. The music changes to Lewis Capaladi’s ‘Before you go” and because I’m not ready for it, my heart shatters. The words remind me of Quinn. My heart pounds and I have to gain control of myself before I lose it completely. My breathing steadies after a while as I use my coping strategies to get through. Thoughts of her invade my mind and before I realise it, my feet are leading me to her room.
I haven’t set foot in here since she took the pills. My hand shakes as I turn the handle and step through. My breath catches because it’s exactly as I remember. It’s as immaculate as it always was, with nothing out of place. Her bright orange feature wall on one side with the off white paint covering the rest of the room. Another thing to add to her list of quirky things she did. Her dresser against the opposite wall has photos stuck into the frame, to hold them in place. There’s a few of her with Avery and Monique but it’s the one of me and her when we were kids which catches my eye. We are dressed up in halloween costumes. We must be about nine or ten. She wanted to go as Cinderella and made Mum dress me up as her Prince Charming. I told her she couldn’t marry me as I was her brother. She said I was her real life Prince, always watching over her and protecting her, so it didn’t matter to her. Why did she have so much faith in me? Why couldn’t I have protected her like she believed I could?