by Sarah Delany
“What are your names?” The lady paramedic asks us, as she holds up what I’m guessing is a roll.
“I’m Rafe, this is JP and this is Tamsyn,” Rafe says, pointing at us.
“Hi, I’m Lily and this is my partner Zac. We are your instructors for the term,” she says, and then scrolls the list for our names. Her brows pinch in the middle of her forehead before she says, “JP, is that short for something? I don’t have a JP on the list.”
“John Peterson,” he tells her, and she smiles.
“Yes, that’s here. Do you prefer JP?” she asks, looking at him.
“Yes please,” he says, politely.
“Not a problem. I’ll make a note here to call you JP.”
“Thanks,” JP says, and we leave her to join the circle with the rest of the students.
“We should call you JPP instead, John Paul Peterson,” Rafe says, trying to rile JP. For his efforts, JP swats him on the back of the head.
“Don’t be a dick,” JP says, with a smile. He never takes anything Rafe says to heart so they are laughing about it within moments.
“Okay class so I’ll introduce ourselves again. I’m Lily and this is Zac and we are both paramedics. I’ve been one for six years and Zac for five years,” Lily starts, and we all listen carefully.
“Now we want everyone to take this class seriously but still have fun. Remember, everything you learn in this class could help you to potentially save a life one day,” she says, looking around the room at each of us individually to make sure we are listening. “Today, we are going to learn what to do if someone is bleeding heavily from a wound or if someone has been burnt. Let’s get started.”
Zac walks around handing out first aid sheets to everyone. They do a demonstration to show us all what to do if we encounter someone injured and bleeding. We can also use the same techniques if we injure ourselves and are bleeding. We split off into smaller groups. I stay with JP and Rafe and we work together to bandage up imaginary wounds on each other. Rafe keeps flustering me as he jokes about bleeding out because I’m not fast enough to patch up his wound. After some time working on bleeding wounds, we move onto burns and they do the same thing. Zac and Lily explain and do a demonstration. We work together through pretend scenarios and figure out what we would do if faced with a burn victim. Walking out of the class, I’m excited for next week’s lesson. It went so fast and was quite enjoyable. It was definitely not what I was expecting.
Chapter 11
-- Tate --
The school holidays were a blur. I didn’t leave the house once, content to stay in my room, absorbed in my thoughts. My parents tried numerous times to get me to do something with them but I declined every invitation. Same with Pierce and Xander. They invited me to a few parties but I didn’t want to socialise with anyone. The darkness inside me was the only company I could handle. They didn’t force the issue, letting me know they were there for me if I needed them. Mum quickly put sheets on my bed when I dragged myself to the shower one day. It honestly hadn’t crossed my mind to do it myself. It didn’t seem important enough to bother myself with.
Since I’ve found Quinn’s journal it’s like I’ve been walking around in a dream. I can see everyone around me at school and they’re talking to me, but I’m disconnected. It’s as if my body is there but my mind is on a different plane. I think my brain is seeking refuge again. It doesn’t want to get sucked into another void of sorrow bought on by Quinn’s journal. I haven’t dared open it up again. I’m too scared. I have no clue what I might find. Is this what she felt like before she took those pills? I wonder if the darkness she feared is the same one I use as a comfort to keep me safe from pain. I can leave the darkness whenever I want though, can’t I? She said she couldn’t escape it. It’s not the same as mine, is it? I’ll stay numb a bit longer. I’m not ready to confront the pain yet. I doubt I will ever be ready. Maybe that’s the problem.
I zone back in to what’s going on around me and catch Pierce and Xander mid conversation.
“Yeah it’s going to be a big one I heard,” Xander says.
“What’s this?” I ask.
“Jax is having a party tonight for his eighteenth birthday. We were thinking we should go. Most of our senior year will be there. You in?” Pierce asks. I stare at my two best friends, studying them and see the hope in their faces. I haven’t been the best friend lately so why not. It’s just a party. I’m positive I can handle a party.
“Sure, I’m in,” I say.
“Yes,” they both say, and then high five each other. I feel dumb asking but I’ve been in a bubble all week and I don’t know what day it is.
“Is it Friday today?” I ask, hoping they won’t notice I’m losing track of my days.
“Yeah man, it is,” Pierce says, giving me a sad smile. He pats me on the back as he turns his attention to Xander so they can organise the night. I force myself to keep focussed. Jax’s house isn’t too far from Pierce’s so we are going to walk over so we can all drink instead of needing a sober driver. Works for me. I could do with a night of numbing my mind.
When I arrive home after school, I tell Mum I’m going to a party with Pierce and Xander. Her excitement levels are way higher than mine at this point. I assume it’s because I’m doing something other than lying in bed, staring at the ceiling. I jump in the shower and while alone, I take a few moments to myself. I blast the heat on my skin and stand under it, eyes closed, focussing on my breathing. Repeating my mantra, don’t think over and over, I zone out and welcome the peace I feel for a minute.
I shake myself out of my bereft state, turn the shower off and step out. I wipe my hand over the fogged up mirror and stare at the shell of myself. Where did the Tate I know go? The guy I’m looking at needs a haircut. The faded purple tinge under my eyes signifies my inability to sleep. I use my towel to dry myself off and wrap it around me, before going back to my room. I throw on the first clothes I find, not caring what I wear. It happens to be a white t-shirt and jeans. I sit on the side of the bed and catch a glimpse of Quinn’s journal sticking out from where I stowed it under my pillow. All of a sudden, the room feels smaller. I need to get out of here. I snatch my phone off the dresser and hurry from my room.
“I’ll see you later Mum, might crash at Pierce’s if it’s late,” I yell on my way out of the big red door. Everytime I see my front door, I am reminded of Quinn. She’s everywhere and nowhere at the same time. I shake my head to ease my thoughts of her but it doesn’t work. Why now? Damn it. I need to run. It’s worked in the past. My feet pick up speed and I let my feet pound the pavement, all the way to Pierce’s.
I open his door when I arrive, not knocking as I know he will be home getting ready for the party. What friend knocks on their best friend’s door these days anyway?
“Pierce?” I yell out, as I close the door behind me. He comes out of his kitchen with raised brows and a sandwich in his hands.
“Hey man, I didn’t think I’d see you until a bit later.” He looks me up and down noticing I’m breathing hard with a light sweat covering my face. “Did you run all the way here?” I nod, and he pops back into the kitchen and comes back with a bottle of water. “Here, it looks like you need this,” he says, handing it to me. I unscrew the cap and guzzle down half of it before I replace the lid.
“Thanks man,” I say.
“Is everything alright?” he asks, as he takes a bite of his sandwich.
“Yeah man. I’m fine. I just wanted to get out of the house,” I say, still huffing from my run. He looks unconvinced but doesn’t push me to talk, which I appreciate.
“You hungry?” he asks, gesturing to his sandwich. “I can make you one.”
I shake my head and say, “Nah man, I’m good.”
“Come, let’s go to my room. I’ll put on some music while I get ready. I’m sure Xander won’t be too far away,” he says, leading me down the hall to
his room.
“Are your parents still at work?” I ask, as his house is quiet.
“Yeah, they’ve got some fundraiser they’re going to tonight. Makenna is staying at her boyfriend’s house for the weekend. She’s hardly ever home these days anyway with college and work,” he explains. I haven’t seen his older sister since I left to go stay with JP.
“I grabbed some bottles of bourbon on my way home if you want to get started. There’s some Coca-Cola in the fridge for mixing. Make us some drinks and I’ll jump in the shower,” he says. He turned eighteen a couple months ago so he can legally buy alcohol now, making it easier for when we want to drink.
“Sweet man, where’s the bourbon?” I ask. He opens his wardrobe door and pulls out two glass bottles. He sets one on his dresser and hands the other to me. I take it with me as I walk back through the house to the kitchen. I practically lived at this house growing up so I know where everything is. I grab three glasses out of the cupboard, making a drink for Xander too. I know Xander and he always arrives earlier than expected when there’s a party happening. I fish some ice out of the freezer, grab the fizzy drink from the fridge and mix the drinks. I add a bit more bourbon to mine and a lot less Coca-Cola. I swallow a mouthful down, throw my head back and close my eyes. Don’t think. Don’t think. Don’t think I tell myself. Am I ever going to be able to survive without my mantra?
The squeaking of the front door has me coming back to reality. I pop my head around the corner to see Xander closing the door.
“Hey Xan, got a drink ready for you in here,” I call over to him. He turns towards my voice and smiles.
“You been here long?” he asks, as he enters the kitchen and picks up one of the full glasses, taking a sip.
“Not long. Pierce is in the shower,” I say, taking a sip of my own. He takes a seat on a bar stool, on the other side of the kitchen bench.
“I hope there’s some hot, single girls there tonight. I’m in the mood for some loving,” he says, smiling so wide his dimples show.
“I’m sure there will be plenty of girls for you to love on,” I say, trying not to laugh. This is what I need, time with my friends. Tonight will be a good distraction from my life.
“You’re always in the mood for some loving. What’s new?” I hear Pierce say from behind me, mocking Xander.
“You two can be my wing men,” Xander says, looking hopeful at me and Pierce.
“Not me man, I’m on a drinking buzz tonight,” I say, and they both laugh.
“You are always on a drinking buzz. When are you gonna be on a girl buzz?” Xander asks, and I roll my eyes at him.
“When a green fairy comes along,” Pierce says, and they both crack up laughing.
Since we have the house to ourselves, we sit around and have a few more drinks before we make our way to Jax’s house. It is a few streets away and it’s not long before we can hear the music, blasting from his house.
“It sounds like one heck of a party,” Xander says with excitement. The closer we get, the louder the music becomes. There are people in the front yard drinking so we navigate our way through the side fence and head around to the back. Jax lives in a large two storey house with a huge back yard. It’s the perfect set up for a party. A lot of the people we see are from school. I’ve grown up with most of them so I’m hoping none of them come up to me in their drunken states. I want to forget tonight and if people pester me, I know I will get irritated.
There’s a table set up against the house with different alcohol and mixes. There’s a keg of beer next to it, where people can fill their cups from. Pierce steps over to the table, grabs three cups and hands them out to me and Xander.
He pours us a shot size amount of bourbon in each and says, “Shots up,” and we drink them down. The more I drink lately, the easier it is to handle the burn at the start of the night. I know it won’t be long before I don’t feel the burn or much of anything.
“Do you guys want to go inside or hang out here?” Xander asks.
“I’m not fussed,” I say.
“Let’s stay here for a minute and see what everyone is doing before we decide?” Pierce suggests, as he pours another shot into our cups.
Several shots later and I’m feeling the buzz. Me and the guys are laughing about the time Pierce tried to do a trick shot on his skateboard over a pole. He ended up with road rash down one side of his body and had to go to the emergency department. They had to pick out all the debris and clean out his injuries. It was not a pretty sight. It’s funny looking back at it now, but his parents didn’t think it was funny at the time. We got banned from his place for two whole weeks, which felt like a lifetime when we were thirteen.
We finally decide to roam and check out the inside of the house. I haven’t eaten anything since lunch time so the alcohol is hitting me hard, making me stumble over my feet as I follow the guys. There’s more people in here and everyone is squished together, yelling over the roaring music to be heard. We bump into Jax as we are hunting around for somewhere to park ourselves for the night.
“Happy birthday man,” I say, as I give him a one armed hug.
“Thanks Tate. Sorry I haven’t talked to you since Quinn. I didn’t know what to say, you know.” He brings up the person who I’m trying to drown out.
“It’s okay,” I say, as I quickly walk away from him. I can’t stand there any longer because I don’t want to break down in the middle of a party. I see a couch being vacated so I hurry to it, tugging on Pierce’s shirt to get his attention so he follows. He grabs Xander and we all squeeze onto the small space. I stick my cup out in Pierce’s direction and on cue, he pours me another shot.
“I might grab a mix to go with this. I don’t think I can keep up with the shots,” Xander says, as he hops up from the couch to go off on his search.
“He’s going to hunt for girls,” Pierce yells at me, and we both laugh knowing it’s exactly what he’s doing. Pierce happily sits with me, shooting back the bourbon. Other friends of ours come over and make conversation but then head off when they see a familiar face in the crowd. I haven’t been to a party this packed in a long time.
“I need to piss,” I say to Pierce.
“I’ll stay here and hold the couch,” he says, so I gulp down the drink in my cup and stand. The alcohol swimming in my veins has made me numb, exactly what I wanted. I stumble through the crowd of people and line up outside the toilet, behind a few other people and wait my turn. I lean my head against the wall and close my eyes for a second.
“Your turn Tate,” someone says, as I’m poked in the arm. My eyes take a second to adjust and I see it’s Monique, Quinn’s friend.
“Thanks Mon,” I say, stumbling into the toilet, busting to go and needing to get away from her. I feel better after relieving myself. I try to act more sober than I am when leaving the bathroom but I end up needing the wall to hold me up. I’m getting tired so I decide to lean my head against the wall for a moment and rest. The blaring music disappears and quiet follows. I feel a tug of my hand and then I’m being pushed back onto a bed. This is what I need. I need to sleep. The alcohol has truly taken over now.
There’s a weight on my lap and then I hear, “Tate,” whispered into my ear.
“Sweetness?” I say, through the haze. Is she here?
“Yeah, it’s me baby.” She lifts my floppy hands and places them on her waist but something in the back of my mind registers something is wrong. Whoever this body belongs to, it’s wrong. I peel my heavy eyes open to see brown eyes staring at me.
“Eyes aren’t blue,” I slur, and her hyena laugh pierces my ears.
“Of course they’re not silly,” she says, and I instantly recognise Avery’s voice.
“Get off me. What are you doing?” I yell, as I push her off me. I stagger to my feet and turn to look at her. She’s standing in her bra with her skirt pushed up her thighs, holding
her phone in one hand.
“I know you want me Tate. Just give in to me already,” she says, walking towards me.
“I don’t want you. Leave me alone Avery,” I say, as I back up to the door and fling it open. I stumble into the hallway and see Pierce up ahead.
“Tate. Where have you been, man? I’ve been looking for you,” he says, as he grabs my arm.
“She’s a bloody psycho. Keep her away from me. I gotta go.” I rush out and push my way past people to find my way outside. As soon as I get outside, I bend over a bush and the disgust ejects from my stomach, taking away all the loathing I have inside as well as any moments that happen after it.
-- Tamsyn --
“Huh?” I say, into the darkness. What is that noise? I wake up and realise it’s my phone ringing. I awkwardly grab the phone and swipe to answer it, without looking at who is calling. It must be important if they are ringing in the middle of the night. “Hello?” I say, sitting up in the darkness and leaning back against the wall. For a second I don’t hear anything but then my ears pick up a sniffling, on the other end of the line. “Hello? Are you there?” I ask again, and this time I can hear a distinct whimpering, their pain echoes through the phone. I pull the phone away from my ear and glance to see the name on the screen. My heart misses a beat as I read ‘Tate.’ I sit up, pulling my knees to my chest and rest my chin on them.
“Tate?” I say into the phone, hoping he will talk so I can hear the voice I’ve missed terribly. All I can hear are his cries of pain. Is he hurt? “Tate, are you okay?” I beg, but he doesn’t say anything. “Please talk to me,” I plead, not sure if he can hear me at all.
“Why did she have to leave me?” he yells, and my heart cracks at the anguish in his voice. “Why did she have to leave me behind?” he cries out. I don’t know what to say so I stay silent, letting him release all his pain. “How am I supposed to live without her? I don’t want to live without her,” he screams. I’ve never heard him in so much pain. “I didn’t get to say goodbye. I just want to say goodbye. How could she do this to me? She selfishly left me here to suffer. I don’t want to be here without her.” My own tears fall freely as the boy I need, desperately grieves openly for his sister. I remain silent, I don’t know if he knows I’m here.