by Sarah Delany
When Lily and Zac are happy we have all learnt the first part, they move onto the CPR part. We stay in our groups but Zac moves back to the dummy in the middle of the room while Lily explains what he’s doing.
“When you start CPR, remember the letters CAB. It stands for compressions, airway and breathing. Start with compressions. You are going to place one hand over the other and lock your fingers with your arms straight. You press down in between the victim’s nipples. You want to push down about two inches so you do have to use a bit of force. For now, we will focus on what to do and then we will work on proper technique during our next lesson. You want to do thirty compressions and then follow with two rescue breaths. For the two breaths, make sure the head is tilted back, pinch the nose then blow two long full breaths into their mouth. Then start with compressions and continue this pattern until they either start breathing on their own or help arrives. Watch while Zac demonstrates again.”
We all watch Zac as he shows us what to do. He does the compressions and I must say he uses a lot of force. I don’t know if my small frame would make much of a difference in a life or death situation. Then he gives the two breaths and I focus on what he’s doing. We finish up the lesson by practicing pretend compressions on each other.
JP and Rafe only want to do compressions on each other because Rafe says, “Petal, I’d feel uncomfortable if I copped a feel of your boobs.” His comment has him and JP both blushing and me giggling. Their faces are so serious I couldn’t help but laugh. After we’ve all had a turn, the bell rings signalling the end of class.
“Great work everyone. Next week we will carry on from there and take turns working on the dummy so you get the feel of real compressions and breaths. See you all then,” Lily says, before everyone exits the class to go to our second period.
-- Tate --
Hanging up from Tamsyn was hard. I didn’t want to go. I wanted to talk to her all day but I knew she would be late for school if I didn’t mention the time. Listening to her softly snore for an hour before she woke up was the highlight of my morning. Being vulnerable and confiding in her how I’m feeling was hard. If I’m honest, my soul feels a million times better now having shared my secret with somebody. Can she help me through this dark time and pull me through the other side? I hope so.
I’m not in the mood for school but I force myself to get ready and face the music. I hope Avery got the message last night and will finally leave me alone. I text Xander to let him know I’m coming to school so he can pick me up. I make myself a coffee while I wait. For the first time in ages, I add milk and sugar and enjoy the taste as it hits my tongue. Living in a tasteless world hasn’t helped me either. I need to push myself to persevere if I’m going to get through this.
As me and Xander ride to school, he mentions Pierce filling him in on the Avery stunt and how she had his phone.
“She’s cray cray man,” he says, and I nod because I completely agree with him. How else can you describe the way she has acted?
“What was school like yesterday?” I ask, dreading the answer.
“There were a few whispers about the photo but me and Pierce shut down any talk we overheard. At least now we know the full story and can tell people Avery set up the whole thing,” he says.
“They’re going to believe what they want anyway. People know me and they know her so if they believe her over me then I don’t have time for them. I don’t have the energy for this,” I tell him, truthfully. I could care less what everyone at school thinks about me. My priorities have shifted since Quinn died. I guess it’s times like this you realise who are the people most important to you and who you have time for.
“Preach it brother,” Xan says, and I can’t help but stare at him and smile. Him and Pierce have always got my back no matter what and I’m thankful for them, especially now.
“I know it’ll be a sore subject but have you got plans for your birthday next Friday?” As his words flow through my brain, the colour must drain from my face because the next thing I know, Xander is pulling up in the school parking lot saying, “Sorry man, I shouldn’t have brought it up.”
“I forgot,” I whisper, realising I hadn’t been keeping track of days or dates so it had completely slipped my mind. Next week is going to be my eighteenth birthday. Not only mine but Quinn’s too. She will be forever frozen at the age of seventeen while my life goes on and I grow older without her. The all too familiar pace of my breaths pick up and my wide eyes look to my friend for help.
“It’s okay Tate. Calm down. You can control it man, it doesn’t control you,” he says, helping me to calm myself before the panic attack takes hold. “Let’s just sit here a minute while you compose yourself yeah?” he says, and I nod. There’s no way I can enter school in this state. I’d likely have a full blown panic attack before I left the car park.
I close my eyes, lean my head back and hear Xander talking but it’s not to me. I peek out of one eye and see he’s on his phone so I close my eyes again and wait. I know who he’s called and he’ll be here soon. A few minutes drag by and then Pierce is opening up the back door and getting in.
“You alright Tate?” Pierce asks, and I nod, not ready to open my eyes. I can contain it better if I keep my eyes shut and focus on keeping my breaths even. “Why don’t we go get a feed? I don’t mind missing the first period?” Pierce suggests, and Xander agrees.
“Sure guys, let’s do that,” I say, not ready to walk into school yet. Xander pulls the car back out of the car park and we drive to a McDonald’s and go to the drive thru. Pierce mumbles out an order while I focus on pushing thoughts of my birthday to the side for now. I will have to deal with it later. We sit in their car park, munching on our food and the guys fill the silence with talk of a party this weekend, trying to distract me. I decline the offer. I’d much rather stay in than go out drinking again. No more parties in my foreseeable future if Avery is going to be attending. Not after what happened at the last party.
We stay in the car for a while longer and the guys even manage to get me to crack a smile. When we arrive back at school, it’s already into the second period. We decide to wait it out until the bell goes, then we will go in and face the music. My thoughts can’t help flit to Tamsyn and wonder what she’s doing. I feel like her voice would calm me now.
“Guys I might go to the toilet before class. I’ll see you guys at lunch,” I tell them, and they both exchange glances but say their goodbyes as I leave. I walk around the side of the gym to use the toilets there. I relieve myself and then wait for the bell to go. That’s my signal. I hurry to get my phone out of my pocket and dial who I need. I can’t remember if she ever had her phone on at school or if it was always on silent? Something I never took notice of as I’ve never rung her during school hours. It only takes a few rings before her sweet voice fills my ears.
“Tate? Everything okay?” she asks, worried. I don’t blame her. I only started ringing her last night and now I can’t get enough. It’s a complete turnaround.
“Yeah, I’m good. I needed to hear your voice,” I tell her honestly.
“Did something happen?” she asks. I can still hear the worry there. I can see why she always told me not to worry when I would ask her if everything was okay. It’s hard to open up and admit when you aren’t okay.
I rest my head against the cold bathroom wall tiles, close my eyes and whisper, “I miss you.” I tell her because it’s another truth. Probably doesn’t answer her question but it’s the truth all the same.
“I miss you too,” she says, and this time I can hear the smile evident in her voice.
We stay silent for a few more beats but I don’t want to keep her from her next class so I say, “I better go otherwise I’ll miss my next class.” She lets out a sigh hopefully feeling the same. Neither one of us wanting to let the other go.
“Bye Tate,” she whispers.
“Bye, Tamsyn,” I r
eturn, as I hang up. Feeling better after hearing her voice, I finally head in the direction towards class. Right before I get there, my phone pings from my pocket, alerting me of a text. I quickly unlock my phone and see it’s from Tamsyn. She’s sent a picture. Desperate to view it, I click it open and it takes my breath away. She’s taken a selfie, hair down surrounding her, with her tongue poking out and the sun shining brightly behind her. How is it possible she looks more amazing? My heart is racing but this time it’s a good feeling. All because of this precious girl. How did I ever doubt she is exactly what I need to weather this storm?
Tucking my phone back into my pocket I walk to my next class. Knowing I have Tamsyn in my corner, gives me the strength I need to ignore all the whispers around school about me and Avery. When I catch my thoughts slipping throughout the day, I pull out my phone and glance at the perfect face of the girl who owns my heart. I’ve made the photo my new wallpaper on my phone. Her photo is all I need to make me forget about everything else.
Chapter 19
-- Tamsyn --
As soon as I heard his shaky voice, I knew something was wrong. He wouldn’t tell me and I don’t blame him. How many times did I tell him not to worry about what was going on with me? It’s hard to open up to someone and confide in them when you’re hurting. I’m still surprised he did last night. As soon as I heard him fall apart, all I wanted to do was hold him in my arms and comfort him.
The minute he hung up, I felt the loss of him. I keep wondering if this will be the last time I hear from him. Will he get triggered again and push me away? I wanted to think of something clever to send him like he did with his notes. I thought my smile might ignite one of his own. His warm smiles always managed to coax one out of me when I was feeling down.
So on the way to class, hair whipping around my face, I poked out my tongue and snapped it. I didn’t feel great about my appearance this morning as I hadn’t gotten much sleep but Tate never cared how I looked. He never made me feel less than. I could be wearing a garbage bag with vomit in my hair and he’d still make me feel like the most beautiful girl in the room. That was the only reason I didn’t have any doubts when sending him the photo. I hope it made him smile and forget his troubles, if only for a split second.
I didn’t hear from Tate for the rest of the day or the next. It’s now Thursday afternoon and me and Penny are in our P.E gear, waiting to start our self-defence lesson. I haven’t contacted Tate either, wanting to give him space. I’m planning on texting him after school to check in with him. Our self-defence class consists of only girls. I guess none of the guys in our year wanted to take it. Penny and I are partnered up and practising on each other. We repeat the same movements, over and over. Our instructor Tim said it’s for muscle memory so if we are ever caught in a dangerous situation, our mind will magically remember and perform the moves without much thought.
Last week we practiced a lot of yelling and being vocally strong. Tim said we had to always be loud and make a scene, to draw attention to us, no matter what. It felt like we were girls gone wild, screaming and yelling at the top of our lungs at each other. It was a great release for all the emotions I had swirling around in me.
Today, Tim is teaching us about the importance of being alert and walking with confidence but not to make eye contact with anyone. He’s gone through the critical strike zones; the eyes, nose, throat, solar plexus, knees and groin. JP’s advice of kicking guys in the nuts makes sense now I know it’s a critical zone to attack. We spend the rest of the lesson going through movements with our hands so we know which way to turn them to get out of holds, if we are ever grabbed. Before we end class, he tells us next week we will be working on getting out of situations where we get grabbed from behind. Leaving class, I feel more confident than I have in a while. I guess that’s part of the lessons, to make us more confident in our own abilities to be able to protect ourselves, if the time calls for it.
Penny and I chat about our lesson as we walk out to the carpark. Me to meet the guys and Penny to get to her car. We’ve stayed in our P.E. gear since it’s the last period of the day. When we get closer to where JP parked, I can see the guys waiting for me by the car. Penny is parked a few cars over so she comes to say goodbye to the guys before she leaves. When the guys notice us, I see JP’s eyes widen, looking right at Penny. I fail to keep the smile off my face as he doesn’t take his eyes off her.
“Bye guys,” Penny says.
They all say,“Bye,” except JP.
He says, “Bye Pen,” smiling at her. She shyly smiles back at him as she sways her hips on her way to her car. Once we are in the car, I give it to JP straight.
“When are you going to ask her out?” He turns in my direction, gobsmacked. He’s shocked I’ve brought it up in front of the others. “Someone else might snap her up before you make up your mind,” I say, as I smirk at him.
“Yeah I wouldn’t mind a taste of Penny,” Rafe blankly states, which causes JP to whip his head his way, punching him a bit too forcefully in the arm.
“Keep your mitts and any other body parts away from Penny bro,” JP demands, and it has Rafe cracking up with laughter. Me and Scott can’t help ourselves and join in.
“You’re too easy to rark up dude,” Rafe says, which has our fits of laughter continuing.
“Shut up,” JP says, while he tries not to laugh at himself but he fails.
The guys drop me home and now in my room, I check my phone. Still nothing from Tate so I decide to send him a text.
Tamsyn: Hey, how was your day?
I want to send him another picture but I can’t find anything around my room I want to send him a photo of. It’s then I remember his notes in my drawer. They helped me so much when I needed it most. Maybe they can help Tate now. I quickly pull out the star picture; the one with the gap. Taking a quick snap, I send it with the caption, ‘That’s where you start letting the light in best friend.’ Replaying his words back to him which he once used to comfort me. Instead of waiting for a reply, I have a shower and dig into my homework, to get it out of the way for the night.
-- Tate --
I’ve spent the last day and a half in a bit of a haze. The mention of my birthday has affected me in a way I didn’t see coming. How am I supposed to celebrate my birthday when it’s a big fat reminder Quinn isn’t here to celebrate it with me. All I want for my birthday is to have Quinn with me but it’s impossible. It doesn’t stop me from dreaming and begging for her to come back in my head though. If people knew how many times I’d asked her to come back to me, they would think I’m crazy. Crazy for having conversations within my head no one else can hear, not even Quinn.
I didn’t want to bring Tamsyn down with my melancholy so I chose not to reply to her. I was hoping I would be able to pull myself out of this funk myself. Here I sit though staring at her new photo, my hand shaking. She’s sent my own star back to me, replaying my own words back to me too. I’ve managed to control my breathing this time. I thought I was letting the light in but the second Xander mentioned my birthday, I reverted back to my shut off self, not knowing how to deal with all the emotions I’m feeling. It’s a war in my head. One voice telling me to call Tamsyn and share with her my messed up thoughts. The other voice telling me not to burden her with it because she doesn’t want to hear it.
The need to hear Tamsyn’s voice wins out in the end and I find myself in bed, early for once, dialling her number. She answers after one ring.
“Hey,” she says. All she says is one word and it melts away all my worries. How this girl breaks and fixes me all at once, I’ll never understand.
“Sorry I didn’t reply yesterday, I was stuck in my head,” I tell her honestly, as I snuggle down into my covers, getting comfortable.
I hear rustling on her end and then she says, “That’s fine Tate. You don’t need to explain yourself. I know how it is.”
“Does it get a
ny easier?” I ask, hoping she will know the meaning to my question without me having to spell it out.
“Hold on a minute,” she says, and I hear more rustling before she comes back on the line.
“Sorry about that, I was finishing my homework when you called so I just put it away. Comfy in bed now, so I’m all yours.” Her words increase my heart rate. If only she knew I already thought of her as mine, in every way possible. “To answer your question, I don’t know if it gets easier, it’s just different. When my dad first died, it felt all consuming, like I couldn’t see a way out of it...” she pauses to let it sink in.
“That’s how I feel, like there’s no way out of this nightmare and I couldn’t possibly face life without her. I don’t want to be without her. Some days I don’t know how I will survive without her,” my shaky voice cracks. Confessing my hidden thoughts causes tears to spill and burn my eyes as they try to escape.
“I know Tate, that’s how I felt before I met you. I was drowning in a sea no one understood because not many people in my life have lost anyone close to them like we have. They don’t understand how some days it’s a struggle to get out of bed or go to school. They see you laugh and so they think you must have finished grieving, right? But then you withdraw into yourself the next day and they don’t understand. I don’t think we will ever stop grieving for them. It doesn’t go away but changes with time. Eventually it gets easier to breathe.” Her words make sense but I still can’t help feel I will be stuck feeling this weight on me for a while.
“I feel like I’m gonna be stuck like this forever,” my honesty blurts at her again.
“That’s how I felt before you helped pull me out of it Tate. I was going through the motions and coasting along, pretty much blocking my grief off because it was easier to not feel anything or deal with what I was feeling inside. It doesn’t help you to live like that though, it’s only hurting you. You’ve gotta go through the pain to get out of it.”