by Sarah Delany
“It’s so hard to feel the pain of it all. I keep thinking it’s a nightmare and one day I’m going to wake up and everything will be back to how it was. I don’t know how to feel these huge amounts of pain without it taking control of me,” I whisper to her, because if I say it quietly then maybe she won’t hear me and I can pretend I didn’t say it at all.
“Let me help you. I’ll be here for you, however you need me. Just let me in please. Don’t hold it in anymore and please don’t push me away again,” she pleads with me, and my heart splinters. I’ve put this girl through so much pain when she was already hurting and suffering through her own grief. I didn’t mean to but I can tell I did.
“I’m so sorry I did that. I couldn’t deal with the pain and if I’m honest, you make the pain come to the surface. It’s as if my pain needs you to comfort it. It sounds silly,” I confess.
“It’s not silly at all. It’s your heart’s way of telling you to let your best friend be there for you. You need to decide if you are going to listen.” I can hear the hint of a smile in her voice.
“My best friend is pretty smart,” I say, letting the serious conversation go for now.
“Is she now?” I can picture Tamsyn’s smile, as if she was sitting with me in the room.
“Yeah she’s smart, funny and gorgeous,” I admit, flirting with her.
“She sounds incredible.”
“She is. But shush, I don’t want everyone knowing how awesome she is or else they’ll want her for themselves,” I say, trying not to laugh.
“Don’t worry, it’ll be our little secret,” she whispers before she giggles, and the sound has me closing my eyes, letting it soak into my soul.
“Damn, I miss your laugh,” I blurt again. My mouth apparently has lost it’s filter when it comes to this girl.
“I miss yours too,” she says quietly, as if she’s scared to admit it.
“I miss everything about you,” I say with a sigh, my palms sweating from my confession.
“I’m right here Tate. I’m not going anywhere.”
To turn the conversation away from seriousness again, I ask her about school and what’s been happening. She fills me in on her life lessons and how her and Penny have become good friends. It makes me happy hearing she’s found a good girl friend like her. We talk for hours, filling each other in on the day to day things we’ve missed while being apart. Once again, we fall asleep talking on the phone because neither one of us wanted to say goodbye or could bear the thought of hanging up.
Chapter 20
-- Tamsyn --
Tate and I fall asleep on the phone again, with him waking up before me. I’m starting to think he does it on purpose so he can listen to me snore. Although I don’t think I snore. How would I know when I’m asleep, I can’t hear myself. I should record myself then I’d know for sure. Gosh I hope it’s not those big loud snores that thunder through the house and then have a whistle on the end. That would be so embarrassing.
I had to rush around again this morning to get out to meet the guys on time. This falling asleep on the phone is not good for my morning routine, it keeps making me late. But I can’t complain because I love falling asleep to Tate’s voice. I wish he still lived with JP so I could see him. Tate’s forest green eyes flash into my mind and I hold the image of him there.
“Any plans for the weekend T?” Scott says beside me, pulling me out of my daydream.
“No, nothing planned at this stage. What about you guys?” I ask Scott and Rafe, while it’s quiet in our human bio class.
“I’m hitting the gym in the morning and then meeting up with a girl I met at the mall last weekend,” Rafe declares.
“A date?” I ask, shocked Rafe is going on a date.
“Petal, I don’t date,” he says, raising an eyebrow at me as he stares at me for a while, until my brain clicks. My nose wrinkles up in disgust.
“Eww Rafe, too much information,” I say, and he barks out a cackle of laughter.
“You should see your face, Tamsyn. One day you won’t feel that way about what I get up to,” he chuckles at me.
“It’s not the fact you’re having sex Rafe, its the random sex. You’re always with a different girl. Don’t you wish you had a girlfriend?” I ask, curious. Rafe and Scott look at each other and have to contain their laughs so they aren’t too loud and draw Ms. Chadwick’s attention to us.
“It’s not every teenage boy’s dream to have a girlfriend. Some only want sex,” Rafe states, and Scott nods along which has me wrinkling my nose at him.
“Are you all about sex too, Scott?” I ask. I didn’t think Scott was like that at all.
“Oh no, I’m just agreeing with Rafe. If I had millions of girls wanting to have sex with me like Rafe does, I would find it hard to say no.”
His confession has Rafe laughing so loud Ms. Chadwick’s voice rings out, “Rafe, I’m glad you are finding the respiratory system so amusing but please focus on your work and leave the entertainment until after class.” This has Rafe zipping his lips, locking it and throwing away the key at Ms. Chadwick. She can’t resist his charm because she has the slightest smile tug at her lips before she returns her eyes to her laptop. Boys. I don’t think I’ll ever understand them.
When I get home after school, I hop straight in the shower and into my pajamas. I feel like zoning out in front of a movie for the night. I race down the stairs to get some snacks, so I can veg out and fill my mum in on my plans.
“Do you want any dinner or are you going to be full from all the junk?” she asks, as I struggle with my hoard of chips, lollies and biscuits.
“I think I’m good Mum,” I say, turning my back on her to head up to my room.
“Okie dokie,” I hear her say, as I disappear up the stairs. Dumping my goodies on my bed, I get the remote and start flicking through all the options on Netflix. Not sure what I’m in the mood for, I’m hoping my eye will catch something randomly to watch. I grab my phone out of my bed and get under the covers. Half paying attention to my scrolling, I unlock my phone to see a text. It’s from Tate so I open it and I’m surprised it’s a picture message. My breath catches as my heart gallops away. It’s been so long since Tate has sent me a note on Friday. I didn’t expect to ever get another one, but he remembered and sent one.
It’s a photo of a butterfly and in the text he’s written, ‘This pretty creature happened to cross my path today so got a pic of it as pretty things always remind me of you.’
My heart swells with emotion, my eyes burn with tears wanting to shed but I hold them in. I stare at the photo of the delicate purple and black butterfly until my phone rings and brings me out of my trance. Tate’s name flashes across the screen.
I swipe to answer his call with a huge smile on my face and say, “Hey.”
“Hi. Did you get my pic?” he asks.
“Yes I did. Thanks, it’s beautiful.”
“So is the girl I sent it to,” he says, and I can hear the smile in his voice as my whole body flushes with heat. I’m glad he isn’t here to see me. I don’t think the colour of ripe tomatoes looks good on me.
I gather my composure and say, “Is that so?”
“It is,” he replies and my own smile widens. “So best friend what are we up to tonight?”
-- Tate --
Talking to Tamsyn again has given me a new focus. Talking to her distracts me from my storm of grief. When I talk to her, I feel less darkness surrounding me. It makes me wonder if this is how it was supposed to always be but my dumb self pushed her away instead of giving her a chance to support me through this. I’m not going to make the same mistake again. I don’t want to risk losing her a second time. I doubt my poor heart could recover.
The butterfly fluttered past me at school. While it sat on a bush by my class, I’d quickly captured it on my phone before it had flown away, savi
ng it to send to Tamsyn. I’ve missed sending her notes on Fridays. Since Quinn died, it hadn’t crossed my mind to do it but I hope she’s missed them as much as I have. Those notes were our secret little connection, bringing us closer and reserved for our eyes only.
I’d been impatient all day wanting to send it to her but I’d always given them to her at the end of the school day on Friday. Plus I wanted to give her my full attention once I did send it. So I waited until I got home and was safely in my room before I messaged her. Once I sent it, I sat there with my foot tapping, waiting for her reply. When it had hit the five minute mark, I couldn’t wait any longer and needed to hear her voice. She has become addictive again like the first time I saw her. She always pulls me in, without realising she does it or has control over me. I still find it hard to resist her magnet. I don’t think I’m meant to.
“So best friend, what are we up to tonight?” I ask, after I’ve flirted a bit. I don’t want to divulge all my feelings to her but I’m hoping she knows it, without me telling her how much she means to me.
“I was about to watch a movie, want to join me?” she suggests, and I crack up laughing.
“I’ll get on my magic carpet and fly right over, shall I?” I say, wishing I possessed a magic carpet that could take me to her now.
“No silly. We can find a movie on Netflix and push play at the same time,” she says.
“Have you done this before?” I ask, smirking.
“Nope, your best friend is smart, remember. I just thought of it,” she says, laughing. I hope she never stops laughing. It’s fast becoming my favourite sound in the world.
“Okay, it sounds perfect. I’ll go shower quickly and get sorted. Give me ten minutes?” I ask.
“Cool, ring me when you’re ready,” she replies, so I hang up and race to the kitchen. I heat up some popcorn in the microwave while Mum gives me a funny look as I never do anything at speed lately.
“Going to watch some movies,” I tell her without her asking, and she nods so I hurry to the shower. With my towel wrapped around my waist, I rush to grab my popcorn and a can of Pepsi. When I’m in my room, I call Tamsyn and put her on speaker so I can get changed.
“Look at you speedy, that was only eight minutes,” she says, laughing.
“Were you keeping count?” I ask, while I open my drawers in search of boxer shorts.
“Honestly I thought you’d take longer than ten minutes, not less. Did you actually shower?” she questions with amusement.
“Yes I did. I’m getting changed now,” I say. Tamsyn doesn’t reply as I shut my drawer and drop my towel, pulling my boxers up.
“You who, you still there?” I tease.
“Yep still here,” she says, her voice strained.
“You okay?” I ask, and she lets out a huff and I hear what sounds like a slap.
“Yeah,” she drags out and I’m worried I said something wrong.
“You sure? You sound weird,” I say.
“I don’t wanna say,” she says, her voice hitching at the end and it has me intrigued why she’s acting shy all of a sudden.
“Best friends don’t keep secrets,” I say, holding in my laugh so she will tell me what is on her mind.
“Ugh fine, if you must know I was picturing you in a towel. Oh my gosh, I can’t believe I said that out loud,” she groans, and I let out the biggest laugh I have in a long time.
“I can’t believe you said that out loud either,” I say, between fits of laughter.
“Let’s forget I said it, shall we?” she says, and I can hear her own laughter.
“You’ve got a dirty mind, best friend,” I tease.
“Oh my gosh,” she says, cracking up with laughter. “Okay back to the movies, what should we watch?” she asks, changing the subject.
“What have you got so far?” I ask, with the wide smile still plastered on my face. I hop into bed and get comfortable.
“I was trying to choose between Legally Blonde and The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants before you crashed my party,” she innocently says, not knowing what her words have caused. All too familiar now, my panic attack starts, short sharp breaths begin and I squeeze my eyes tight hoping that will stop it.
“Tate? What is it? Is it a panic attack?” I can hear the fear in her voice. Fear for me. As the images of blonde hair and green eyes flicker through my mind, I hear, “Just breathe, Tate. Don’t think, remember. Don’t think. I’m here. It’s okay. You’re okay. You’re safe. Listen to my voice Tate. Focus on me.” I listen to her voice as she distracts me, calming me down. Focussing on her voice, I’m able to control it this time. Tamsyn continues comforting me while I keep my breaths relaxed.
“Sorry, The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants is Quinn’s favourite movie, I mean was,” I tell her, keeping my breaths steady.
“Oh Tate, I didn’t know. I’m sorry,” she says, but it’s not her fault.
“You didn’t know Sweetness. I’m okay now. Thanks for talking me down,” I say, still focussing on my breaths to make sure it’s under control.
“Anytime,” she says, and I realise I let Sweetness slip out of my mouth. I’ve tried to avoid saying it, as I’m not sure I deserve to call her Sweetness after how I left her. I need to try harder not to let it slip again until I know we are completely alright.
“How about we watch something else?” I suggest, regaining my composure.
“Any suggestions?”
“Let me have a look and see,” I say, grabbing the remote and flicking through the movies. Tamsyn had suggested girly movies so that’s what I scroll through, hoping to find another one she might like.
“What about Chasing Liberty? I haven’t seen it before,” I suggest, my breathing back to normal levels now.
“Oooh yes, I love that movie. The actor who plays Ben is cute,” she says, excited.
“Umm maybe we should pick something else if you are going to be ogling the actors,” I say, laughing.
“Do I catch a hint of jealousy there?” she says teasing, before she laughs and I join in.
“Fine, lets watch it,” I agree. I’d let her choose practically anything to watch if she got that excited about it. Hearing her happy, settles something inside me. A wave of calm relaxes me as we settle on the movie. We both snuggle down, get comfy and set up the movie, ready to start.
“You ready?” she asks.
“Count us down. Press play on start,” I say.
“Okay, I’ll go one, two, three then start. Let’s go. One, two, three, start,” and we both simultaneously press the start button. I ask her questions during the movie and she doesn’t tell me to be quiet, she answers them. It’s as if we are in the same room. That’s how we stay for another two movies until our eyes get sleepy and we fall asleep on the phone again, which is quickly becoming our new normal.
Chapter 21
-- Tate --
Today is the day I’ve dreaded most of all. May ninth. The closer it’s gotten, the snappier I’ve become. My heart and mind knew what was coming but I still tried to pretend it wasn’t. It’s my birthday. What would have been me and Quinn’s eighteenth birthday to be exact. My dad asked me last weekend if I wanted to do anything for it and all I could give him was a blank stare before I walked away. Later that day I thought of something I wanted though and talked to him about it. He understood so said he’d make the appointment for me. I’ve continued to talk to Tamsyn during the week but didn’t mention my birthday at all. If she knows it’s coming up, she hasn’t said anything. I don’t even know when her birthday is. She’s taken my mind off it. When I talk to her everything else vanishes into the background for a minute, until we hang up and it crashes back down on me.
It’s a Friday and there is no way I’m going to school. I’ll be lucky if I manage to get out of bed. I’m lying in bed like a zombie, staring at the
ceiling when I hear a quiet knock on the door. I don’t invite them in but I know they will come in anyway.
“Happy birthday,” Mum and Dad say in unison, and they both come to sit on my bed next to me.
“Thanks,” I reply, letting out a sigh.
“Are you going to school today?” Mum asks me, and I shake my head. I don’t think I could face anyone. Not today of all days. Mum and Dad exchange looks between them, talking in that secret way they do.
Dad says, “Son, we know today is extremely hard because it’s hard for me and your mother too.” I hear him sniffle, so I flick my eyes his way and I see the unshed tears he’s holding in, threatening to spill over. It causes my emotions to bubble up from where they were lying under the surface and tears fill my own eyes. He continues on after he wipes them away. “We know you probably don’t feel like celebrating today but Quinn loved birthdays. Me and your mother thought we might go down to her grave and put some decorations and flowers down there.” I can hear Mum’s cries next to me so I offer my hand for her to hold. I’ve been so lost in my own grief, I forget they lost Quinn too. “We were wondering if you’d like to come with us?” Dad asks, and I stare at him and then my eyes glance to Mum, who’s squeezing my hand tightly. They look so hopeful and I don’t want to crush their feelings so I nod. Dad offers me a small smile and then says, “Why don’t you get up, have breakfast and get ready then we can head down there?”
“Sure Dad,” I say, returning his smile, trying to ease some of his pain. I lean over and give Mum a kiss on the cheek, which makes a light briefly return to her eyes. They stand from the bed and leave me to get ready.