I stare at him through my tears. “That’s different and you know it, Eli. You’re a great father, I’ve never thought anything different. But you know as well as I do that you get to go home at the end of every day.”
“Yeah.” He nods his head. “Yeah, I guess I do. I’m sorry for making you shoulder more of the burden.”
I wipe my tears with the sleeve of my robe. “I wouldn’t have it any other way. I wouldn’t give up one single moment I had with her.”
He wraps his arms around me and holds me through my tears. It wasn’t so long ago that Eli and I would end up in bed at a time like this. It was the way we comforted one another. And even though I could use a few moments of peace right now, I know he’s not the one who could give them to me. I glance at the flowers on my dresser knowing there is only one person who could do that.
He pulls away, both of us crying now. He looks at me like he did when it was Dahlia’s birthday. He looks at me like the way he did right before we had sex.
He leans in, looking at my mouth as he does.
“Eli, no.”
He hops off the bed, running his hands through his hair. “What the fuck was I thinking?”
I grab his hand. “You were thinking that we are both hurting. It’s okay, Eli. Old habits are hard to break. And it’s a normal response to what we’re going through. It crossed my mind for a second, too. But we both know it won’t solve anything.” I look down at my belly. “Case in point.”
Then we both share a laugh, a laugh that turns into more tears. And we hold each other for a few more minutes before I ask him to leave.
“Eli, you should be with Monica right now. She should be the one comforting you.”
“And you should be with Bass.”
I hold up Dahlia’s blanket and then pick up her scrapbook. “It’s okay, I have Dahlia.”
He leans down and kisses my cheek before he walks out. “I’ll always love you, Ivy. I hope you know that.”
“I’ll always love you, too.”
But what I don’t tell him is that I didn’t even understand what love was until I had those years with Dahlia. Those weeks with Bass. And I wonder if I’ll ever have the chance to experience that kind of love again.
I walk over and bury my nose in the daisies. Then I wrap myself in the blanket and page through Dahlia’s scrapbook until I cry myself to sleep.
~ ~ ~
“Ivy, we think it’s time,” the doctor says, putting a hand on my shoulder.
I look over at my precious daughter, small and curled up on the hospital bed. The doctor and nurses are crying, just as the rest of us in the room are. They’ve all worked so hard to try and make her better. To get her another transplant. To prolong her life. But it’s all been in vain. We’ve known for days, weeks even, that the end was coming.
I run to her side, climb on the bed with her and pull her to me. No way is she going through this alone.
Eli walks to the other side of the bed and grabs her little hand. “I love you, princess,” he says, tears streaming down his cheeks.
Her chest rises and falls in a big sigh as the heart monitor slows even more.
“I can’t,” he says, leaning down to embrace Dahlia for the last time.
I nod at him. “It’s okay. I’ll be here with her. It’s okay, Eli.”
He looks guilty as he steps away, glancing back one last time before he walks through the door. I can hear him break down after he leaves the room, his deep sobs echoing off the hallway walls.
Alder and Christina cross the room and give Dahlia one last kiss. They won’t stay either. I can’t blame them. They have a toddler of their own. No way can they watch a child die.
Even Dad breaks down and has to be escorted from the room, leaving only Mom and Holly in here with us. They both say their goodbyes to her and then stand back, giving me the last moments with my daughter.
As her breaths come farther and farther apart, I talk to her. “Baby girl, it’s okay. It’s okay to let go. You’ve been so brave. You have always been so strong. But it’s okay to give in now. Jonah is waiting for you. He’s waiting for his sister to teach him how to run and play and jump rope. You’ll teach him how to draw. You’ll tell him everything there is to know about flowers, especially daisies. And where you’re going, daisies will be everywhere. You can sleep on a bed of them. And they won’t ever wilt. They won’t ever die. Just like you, my sweet girl. You are going to live forever. Just like Jonah. And Mommy will be with you again one day. And the three of us will go to Hawaii. We’ll dance under a waterfall and squish our toes in the sand.”
I hear Holly and my mother sobbing behind me. But I can’t cry. Not yet. I’ll never get a second chance at this moment. I’ll never again get to see my baby transition from this world to the next. I’m her mother and she needs to know that I’m okay.
Her breathing slows even more. I can feel it happening as I hold her.
“Dahlia, you are the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I’m going to be alright. Everyone will be. You go, baby.”
Her little fingers squirm underneath mine. She turns her head and opens her eyes. “Mommy,” she says, in barely a whisper. “Daisies gonna make everything better.”
Then her eyes close and I feel her take her last breath.
“Yes, baby,” I say, still holding back my tears. “Daisies are going to make everything better.”
The nurse comes in and turns off Dahlia’s machines. Then I collapse onto my daughter’s body and sob. I pull her lifeless form to me as if I can somehow merge her body with mine and carry her with me so we can live as one. I’ve never wanted to trade places with another person more than I do now. It should be me who’s leaving this world. Not her. Children aren’t meant to die before their parents. Daughters aren’t supposed to go to heaven before their mothers.
The doctor comes in and listens to Dahlia’s heart before pronouncing her dead. But he might as well pronounce me dead. Because there is no reason to live. Not anymore.
I startle awake, drenched in sweat. I look over at the flowers. I look at them somehow knowing Bass would have been the only man to stay in the hospital room that day. He’s the strongest man I’ve ever known.
I take off the damp clothes I’m wearing and reach in my dresser for a shirt. I study myself in the mirror after putting it on. Bass’s T-shirt still fits me even though it’s now tight around the middle.
And as I stare at myself, I wonder if I made the biggest mistake of my life by pushing him away.
Chapter Thirty-three
Sebastian
“You what?” Aspen shrieks across the table at her brother.
“I got in!” Denver shouts, handing her the letter. “FDNY invited me to become a candidate. My training starts next month.”
She studies the letter before dropping it on the table. Then she turns to me in disgust. “Did you know about this?”
“Of course I didn’t.” I look down at the same letter that was sent to me a few years ago. “You took the exam?” I ask him. “You never said anything.”
“Well, you guys didn’t seem to think I could get in, so I kept it to myself.”
“It’s not that I didn’t think you could get in, Den,” Aspen says. “It’s that I didn’t think you should get in.”
Brett looks between all of us, clearly confused. “You don’t want him to be a firefighter?” he asks Aspen.
She shakes her head. “Our parents died in a car accident when we were nineteen. Denver can’t stand to look at car crashes ever since.”
“You know a lot of our calls have to do with MVAs, don’t you?” Brett asks.
“Yeah,” Denver says. “I get it. I’ve got it covered, guys.”
I look at Aspen, who’s clearly concerned about her brother. Sawyer is whispering in her ear, but she’s not happy about whatever it is he’s saying. I know she has huge reservations about this and I feel horrible that I’m the one who brought it up several months ago.
I reach over and squeeze her shoulder
. “I’ll look out for him, Penny.”
“What am I, five years old?” Denver says. “Will you guys quit babying me and just let me have a minute to fucking celebrate?”
“To you, Denver!” I say, raising my glass. “If I weren’t already a smoke eater myself, I’d be damn jealous that you got a call after only a few months.”
“To Denver,” Sawyer and Brett say.
“Enjoy these last few weeks of drinking,” Brett says. “You’ll want to make sure to detox before training. You need to be in the best shape you can be, and every advantage you can give yourself will make it that much better.”
“Take the lieutenant’s advice,” I tell Denver. “Toughest months of my life. But it’s all worth it, man.”
“Why do you think Denver got accepted so soon?” Aspen asks. “You said it could be years before applicants get invited to fire school.”
“It usually is,” Brett says. “The candidate list is longer than my wife’s book of complaints.”
I laugh, but I know he’s not joking about his wife. He says Amanda has become a different person since having their son earlier this year. I’m glad he could come out with us tonight. He’s usually stuck at home with Leo since his wife is always at work. And even though they have a nanny, he tries to be there as much as he can. Brett going out on the town is a rare occasion these days.
“Are you sure you didn’t call in a favor or something, Bass?” Aspen asks.
“I just told you I didn’t know about it, Penny. And it’s not as if I have that kind of pull. My guess is they like that he used to be a cop. That and he probably killed it on the exam, the physical test, and the interview.”
“Any idea where you want to get stationed?” Brett asks.
“Please don’t pick Manhattan,” Aspen says.
“Somebody has to do it,” Denver says.
“Somebody who’s not you,” she says. “Can you pick a more benign station like Bass and Lt. Cash’s?”
“Yeah, because we just sit around and twiddle our thumbs all day,” I say.
“That’s not what I meant,” she says. “I’m sorry it came out that way.”
I wink at her. “I’m just messing with you. If he can prove himself in training, we’d love to have Denver at our house. In fact, we may have an opening next year if Steve gets the transfer he’s been trying to get. And that we might have a say in, right Cash?”
Brett raises his eyebrows at me. I know what he’s thinking. He’s having doubts about Denver based on what Aspen said. Hell, I’m having doubts about him.
“It would be great to have you watching over him,” Aspen says. “I mean if he insists on doing this.”
“You think I need a babysitter, Pen?” Denver says.
“Absolutely,” she says. “At least until you get your feet wet. I’d feel so much better knowing you were with Bass and his company.”
I smile at how much confidence Aspen has in my abilities.
“Hey, Sawyer, sorry to talk so much shop,” I say, wondering if he’s feeling left out. “You getting nervous about the wedding?” I ask.
He pulls Aspen close to him. “Hell, no. Believe me, you’re the only one at this table who’s getting left at the altar.”
The four of them share a laugh. “Thanks a lot,” I say, raising my glass in a sarcastic toast.
“Briggs, that woman across the bar is staring at you,” Brett says, elbowing me.
I look across the room and see Ivy’s sister, Holly, sitting by herself. She smiles at me and I wave her over to our table.
“It’s Ivy’s sister,” I tell everyone before she comes up to us. “Be cool, please.”
I get off my barstool and give her a hug. “Hi, Holly.”
“Hi, Bass. I was just waiting for my friends to arrive.”
“Just your friends?” I ask, before introducing her to everyone.
“She’s not coming if that’s what you’re wondering.”
“Well, you can wait with us if you want,” I say.
“That won’t be weird?”
“Not if we don’t let it.”
I motion for her to sit on my barstool and I stand up next to her. “You meeting Justin? He didn’t say anything.”
She wrinkles her nose. “No. Not Justin.”
“It’s all good. I won’t say anything.”
“It’s not a big deal. Justin and I hang out occasionally. We date other people. Neither of us wants to be tied down.”
“It’s nice you can both feel the same way,” I say.
Holly gives me a sad, guilty smile. We both know what the other is thinking.
“Holly, maybe you should go on a date with Denver,” Aspen says. “He doesn’t want to be tied down either.”
Holly laughs, looking at Denver. “This baby?” she says. “He looks wet behind the ears. What are you, twenty-two?”
“I’m twenty-four,” he says. “And I’m hardly wet behind the ears. In fact, I’m a hardened criminal.”
Aspen spits out her drink all over the table. “Really, Den?”
“Okay, so not technically,” he says to Holly. “But I did spend some time in prison.”
“Prison?” Holly asks, intrigued.
“Well, maybe not prison. It was three nights in jail, but still.”
Holly laughs. “I’m not about to be labeled a cougar.”
“Just how old are you?” he asks.
“Twenty-nine.”
“Nice,” Denver says, nodding. “But that hardly makes you a cougar.”
“Don’t even think about it,” I whisper to him. “It’s bad enough having her date someone from the station.”
I order everyone another round and then head to the bathroom. When I return, I see someone I didn’t expect to see walking up to Holly. I see Eli. As in Eli—Ivy’s husband. And I see him with his goddamned arm around a woman who is not his wife.
“What the fuck?” I say, walking over to remove his arm from the woman before I push him in the chest. “Are you cheating on her, you asshole?”
The woman looks at me and Eli, confused. “Cheating on me?” she asks.
“He’s cheating on Ivy,” I say. “His wife.”
“What is he talking about, Eli?” she asks.
My jaw tightens and I know my face is getting red. “This asshole is married to his pregnant wife, yet he’s at a bar with you.”
Holly gets up and tries to stand between me and Eli. She probably thinks I’m about to hit him. And she’d be right. I am.
“Get out of the way, Holly.”
“There’s been a big misunderstanding,” she says.
“Somebody needs to start talking,” the woman with Eli says. She holds her left hand up, flashing her ring in front of Eli’s face. Her engagement ring. “Is this for real, Eli? Please tell me you’re not really married to Ivy.”
“I’m not married to her, babe,” Eli says. Then he turns to me. “I’m not fucking married to her. I told Ivy to tell you. I told her it was ridiculous to keep things from you.”
I’m trying very hard to keep my cool, but Brett is having to hold me back. “Will somebody please tell me what the fuck is going on?”
“Ivy’s not married,” Holly says.
“But I saw the ring!” I yell. “What’s she keeping from me? Oh my God. Is the baby mine? Is that what she’s keeping from me? And why the hell would she do that?”
“Calm down, Briggs,” Brett says, offering me his barstool and a drink. “It looks like maybe the rest of us need to give you and Ivy’s sister some room to talk.”
Everyone goes over to the next table and Holly sits down beside me. “The baby is Eli’s,” she says. “I was there when she first went to the doctor. Ivy wears the ring because she was tired of getting dirty looks and inconsiderate comments about being a single mother.”
“Why didn’t she tell me?” I ask. “Back when I first saw her wearing the ring at your shop, why didn’t she say anything?”
“The way she tells it, she tried to tell
you it wasn’t what you thought, but you just walked out.”
“Of course I walked out. What was I supposed to do when I saw a wedding ring on her finger? And if she wanted me to know she wasn’t married, all she had to do was pick up the damn phone.”
“She’s hurting,” Holly says. “She’s convinced this baby will be like Jonah or Dahlia.”
“Anyone can understand why she’s scared. But, what the hell, Holly. From the looks of it, Eli is engaged to another woman. Ivy had me believing all along that she was getting back together with him. Why the hell did she lie to me from the beginning? Why didn’t she just tell me back then that she was pregnant with Eli’s baby?”
Holly puts her hand on my shoulder. “These are all very good questions, but maybe they are ones you should be asking Ivy.”
“She won’t talk to me. She never answered my calls or texts. She never acknowledged my flowers. She doesn’t want me, Holly. And quite frankly, at this point, I’m not sure I want her either.”
She studies me. “Really? Because from the way you were about to disembowel Eli, I’d say you still have feelings for her.”
“Sure I still have feelings for her, but there is a lot of water under the bridge. She’s tried very hard for a long time to keep me out of her life. I’m not sure I can look past that.”
“She has her reasons, Bass. Talk to her.”
I shake my head. “No. I promised myself I wouldn’t go back down that road.”
She closes her eyes and blows out a deep breath. “I’m not like my little sister,” she says. “Hell, I’m not sure I will ever settle down and have kids. But do you know that all Ivy ever wanted was to be a mom? When we were little and played with Barbies, I would always play with Barbie and Ken. I would make them go on dates and kiss and even have sex. But not Ivy. She would pretend Barbie had a baby. And then one Christmas, she got one of those dolls that eats and wets and cries. It was her favorite present ever. She took that doll everywhere. My little sister was born to be a mother. But that dream has been taken away from her. Twice. And she lives in fear it will happen again. That has to mess with a person, Bass. So maybe you could cut her a slight break.”
Igniting Ivy (The Men on Fire Series) Page 22