Ms. Halo

by Consito Ramirez

  "Thank you," Mrs. Phillip said, eyes glimmering at the sight of the lunch meats. Fluffy wasn't as pleased. He didn't approve of Sweet Pea's theft, even if it was for the colony's hidden stores. But he couldn't say anything. The thief was one of the five most respected people in the colony, a council member, but he was different from Buttercup.

  Sweet Pea wasn't compromising. He argued for independence and believed that stealing food was better than being served. Plus, he thought that Ms. Halo bought more food thanks to his pilfering.

  Fluffy doubted this theory and thought Grandma was already under enough strain.

  Mr. Phillip was in the middle of a semi-angry scowl, the worst disapproval tradition and his politeness would allow, when his son Mittens walked up holding a viewpad.

  "Grandma dropped something dad," he said while handing over the device.

  Usually, Fluffy would have waited and delivered it back to his beloved Grandma. But Sweet Pea grabbed it quickly.

  "This isn't good," the colony leader said.

  It showed reading material different from the elderly alien's typical stories of unrequited love in the greater galaxy.

  It featured pictures of human genitalia.

  ***********************************************************

  Waffles exited the tiny cave entrance.

  Every joint in his body seemed to crack as he shimmied his way out. He had a similar problem with pants and always wore an extra baggy pair of overalls as a result. He combed the dirt out of his long, white beard and hair.

  Then he hid the opening, the last remnant of a massive entrance that was sealed centuries ago. It was a short walk from the barrier that protected the colony. Normal colonists weren't allowed to come that close to the boundary, but he knew more than a few people broke the rule. Still, the bush camouflage along with a rock or two kept his secret just fine about 99 percent of the time.

  He was on the slope of a hill that was called a mountain since it was the largest hill in the known universe. As Waffles lay down for a minute to catch his breath, he stared at the massive transparent barrier protecting him and everyone he knew from a raging sandstorm trying to shove particles through from the other side.

  A glint of chrome changed directions in the sky and flew away, as if being flown by a very frustrated alien. After a brief nap, he got up, went over the mountain, and down the winding path.

  He approached a rotting wooden sign that said "Welcome to our Colony" and had warmly welcomed zero tourists in its ancient existence. Sweet Pea was on the ground using the sign for back support.

  "Good afternoon Sweet Pea," Waffles said.

  "Hey."

  "And how are you fighting the boredom today?"

  "Fairly well," Sweet Pea said. He realized it wasn't the answer the old man was looking for. "I was trying to find you." Sweet Pea got to his feet, reached into a leather shoulder bag, and handed Waffles a viewpad. "What do you make of this?"

  "It's graphic and disgusting."

  "I meant the text."

  Waffles stared at it for several minutes. He forgot what he was doing. He looked at Sweet Pea, who was watching him intently. Waffles made a serious face, like he was thinking and knew where he was, then he looked down again. He remembered what he was doing after a few seconds. A frightening understanding crystallized.

  "I'm going to have to spend some time on this," Waffles said turning off the device and walking away. He remembered himself. "It's nothing to be worried about, actually quite the opposite. I think, this can help our understanding of medicine and anatomy a great deal, I believe."

  "Bullshit."

  "Excuse me."

  "Can I speak bluntly?"

  "Do you ever not?"

  "I'm sick of secrets," Sweet Pea said, "Cuddles, Patches, You. Even some of the townspeople seem like they're hiding something."

  "What about Buttercup?"

  "He's too boring for secrets."

  "Fair enough." Waffles made the face he always made when he wanted people to believe he was conjuring up some great wisdom that could only come from not dying for as long as he had. It involved rubbing his chin and narrowing his eyes.

  "What exactly is wrong with secrets?" Waffles asked, "It takes effort to have a private life, and that effort makes people look suspicious. Of course, they're keeping secrets, but it's nothing nefarious. Everyone knows that I go close to the boundary to check on the force-field barrier. And I'll tell you right now, I do it more than I need to just to secure a little private time for myself. There's my secret. Is it so bad?"

  "What about our princesses?" Sweet Pea asked, "You can't tell me they're not way too quiet."

  "Oh I'm sure they've got plenty of secrets," Waffles replied, "But their secrets are, well, hot. I assume."

  Waffles knocked a few clumps of dirt out of his beard.

  "If you spent more time with people, instead of talking to yourself so much, I think you'd find any paranoid feelings are unwarranted."

  "I don't think many people want to invite me over."

  "That's not true," Waffles lied. "I guess it'd help if you stopped bad-mouthing Ms. Halo."

  "I don't bad-mouth her," Sweet Pea snapped, "I break into her home, I steal from her, and I occasionally break things. But that doesn't mean I love her any less."

  "You say we should somehow leave here."

  "That would be the best for everyone; they're just too stupid to realize it."

  "Do you see why people might not like you?"

  Sweet Pea smelt rotten eggs. He couldn't tell the source, and didn't want to be rude. Neither did Waffles, but it was still enough to make them forget the conversation, and walk back to the colony, quickly.

  ***********************************************************

  "What the hell is wrong with you?" Cuddles asked while she walked towards the colony. Patches ran a bit to catch up.

  "Look, I just don't know how they'll react," Patches reasoned, "I mean, I understand that we need to keep people safe from Squid, but that's not why you're doing this."

  "What do you think?" She stopped.

  "I think you don't even want to be out here, you don't really want to talk to anyone, you're just pissed."

  "Pissed is the normal reaction when someone tries to kidnap your wife," Cuddles said while starting her frustrated march again. "It's also the normal reaction when someone is almost kidnapped by a sadistic, human-killing alien. What's not normal is waking up after a near kidnapping and wanting to keep it a secret from everyone."

  "We'll tell Buttercup, of course... and Waffles. But..." Patches quieted down quickly. They got to the top of the first hill and were now clearly visible to several community members.

  Cuddles and Patches were the only two humans Ms. Halo considered clean and attractive enough to be allowed inside the complex - a privilege that made them both powerful and isolated.

  Being in the colony meant stares and attention, most of the time good-natured enough. How is Ms. Halo? What food is coming? Will we get new clothes soon? Can I touch your hair? People didn't have the access they had, and it was only right to be curious about one's source of survival.

  That day was particularly bad for a private conversation.

  Many people were outside. Cuddles and Patches left in a hurry and didn't bother to change. They had their inside clothes, two-piece sheer silk outfits that were easy to get on, but were paper thin and clung like Saran Wrap. They usually appeared in garments more in the common fashion - long-sleeve green undershirts that were brown from dirt, and overalls that were brown by choice.

  A zombie horde approached. It was made up of people too old to care or recognize what was creepy.

  "Oh my, this feels so nice," one woman said while stroking Patches' breast to test the fabric. "Will we be getting these soon?"

  "I'm not sure. I'll ask for you though." Patches smiled.

  "This is nice, I love it," one man said while stroking Cuddles' breast for ostensibly the same reason.


  "I'd love to stay and chat more, I really would," Cuddles said while removing a few hands. "But we're actually going to a meeting."

  "We are?" Patches asked.

  "Yes, we are. We have to speak with Buttercup immediately," Cuddles caught Patches' angry gaze. "But it's nothing to worry about. It's about some new games we'll be receiving soon."

  The two ladies emerged from the crowd.

  "What are you going to tell Buttercup?" Patches asked, whispering loudly through her teeth.

  "I'm going to tell him that that little bitch is getting more dangerous, and Ms. Halo isn't fighting him as much as she should, and then he can decide if we tell the rest of the colony," Cuddles answered. "You're the one who always talks about duty, this is part of it."

  They found Buttercup working on the roof of his house.

  "Whatcha doing boss?" Cuddles asked.

  "Just fixing a crack," He said, "On hot days like this the old dirt dries and well... you're not really interested, are you?"

  "You're looking pretty good up there with the rolled up pants and bare back."

  "I know you're not interested in that," Buttercup said while getting down from the ladder. A few stragglers had followed the two ladies through the hard dirt roads - families looking for answers only the two women could have. "Hold on," Buttercup said.

  Cuddles looked around what was considered the best part of the tiny land they called home. The trees looked shabbier than normal and dust was coming off the houses. She wondered how many cracks Buttercup fixed today. Even the tall hills in the backdrop seemed more barren, lacking the few natural plants they had before. One thing was constant, Buttercup's reassuring smile.

  "I know, the power is still out, and yeah we're still limited to five-minute showers," the town leader said, "We'll talk more about it in the morning." The crowd dispersed unsatisfied.

  "Do you guys want to come in?"

  ***********************************************************

  Buttercup was an adequate leader and a great host. He sat on the ground around a low table with his two guests, drinking juice from an unknown plant from a distant world that made him feel giggly and attractive. They were playing cards, Pummyairte. The game was simple.

  It was played with a 46-card deck. Whoever had the queen of hearts would start, but that card was missing from the deck and only known to exist because of the rule. Therefore, the player who happened to wear a green visor for the night would start. If no one had a green visor, the player on the right would start.

  Each player was dealt five cards - two down and three in their hand. They could look at the two cards on the table, but not pick them up. Then a card was dealt face up to each player, and if that person had the next card down the rank in a given suit, he could play it on top and draw a new card from the deck.

  After that, the starting player places a card in the middle and draws a new one from the deck. Each player, in turn from right to left, then places a card of lower or greater value on top and draws. Players are then invited to hit the pile of cards.

  Once the play returns to the starting player, it's time for the flop when three cards from the deck are dealt into the middle, and the starting player puts down another card - signaling a new round.

  The objective of the game is to get five of the same number or suit. No one ever won, and no one ever lost, but they would call out various things enthusiastically.

  In tradition dating-back to before years were kept, players would disrobe as the game was played, seemingly to let others borrow their clothing and return it the next day. Buttercup and his two guests decided they'd ignore that tradition for the night.

  "Rummy!"

  "Flush!"

  "Yatzhee!"

  Buttercup collected the cards and began to shuffle. "So what was he trying to do?"

  "Honestly, I can't say," Cuddles said.

  "Then I agree with Patches, this isn't something everyone needs to hear."

  "What if he comes for someone else and Ms. Halo isn't around," Cuddles said, "It's not like before, he's around a lot nowadays."

  "Remember when Mr. Cross had that tooth problem," Buttercup explained, "and Ms. Halo had to take him after inoculating him with the gas vents?"

  "This isn't the same."

  "I'm not saying it is. I'm saying that sometimes they do things that seem bad, but they're really for our own good."

  "I hate Squid too," Patches said, "I mean, I just don't want to make a fuss when it won't help anything."

  "That's right. What could we do?" Buttercup asked.

  "I don't know, kill him," Cuddles said.

  They sat in silence. Cuddles didn't mention stabbing Squid, it was a moment of rage she was embarrassed about.

  "Communication," Buttercup said while shuffling the deck. "That's what it all breaks down to; we need to communicate more."

  "So you're going to tell everyone about the latest Squid incident?" Patches asked.

  "Not that communication. I'm talking about consulting with Ms. Halo more. Make sure she knows our feelings. It's always worked in the past."

  He dealt out another hand. His house creaked. It was a sound he had never known before. Wind burst through one of the shut windows, destroying their game and knocking over their drinks. Cuddles got up to close it, but inhaled and fell to the ground hunched over.

  "What's wrong?"

  Buttercup and Patches started coughing. The three recovered for a moment and went for the door. Outside Mr. Jenkins was swimming through the air with a concerned look on his face.

  People scrambled in all directions. Screaming for help. Writhing on the ground. They reacted to the emergency in every way except well. Whirlwinds blended plastic trees, dust, sand, and clumps of dirt together and threw them back out in all directions.

  Breathing became a gamble. Each breath would either push further towards pain or relief.

  "Grandma!"

  "Grandma! Help!"

  A panel on Halo's giant house opened and a hovercraft shot out. It made it half way to the colony before being rejected by the storm. It tumbled, rolling several times before slamming into the metal house. Ms. Halo drove a bit slower the second time, wobbling the craft into the center of town.

  She disembarked. The winds swept up the ship again, rolling it away after hitting a few homes. Ms. Halo climbed slowly to the top of Buttercup's house. She reached the peak and worried if the humans in the streets were now unconscious or dead.

  Her hairs whipped in the wind, all 14 of them, as they went from their typical glow-stick luminescence to a piercing light. Suddenly silence. All they could hear was the "shhh" of oxygen and nitrogen coming in from the plastic trees. The people started to regain consciousness, but the crisis wasn't over.

  "Buttercup, hello? Sweetie?" Ms. Halo shouted as well as her old voice would allow.

  "I'm here Grandma," he said shielding his eyes.

  "I, I need you to go to the house honey," she said through strain, "200 meters right of the door. A panel. Open it. Reset the barrier systems. You can do it."

  Buttercup thought that last part of her statement probably wasn't correct, but he ran off regardless.

  He reached what he thought was the panel, and started to pull on it. It wasn't the panel. He proceeded to the next suspicious area, and checked for ridges in the flat metal.

  "Look out!" Sweet Pea yelled.

  Buttercup complied and stood off to the side. Sweet Pea located a human-length lead pole and started smashing at the smooth surface.

  "It's all camouflaged," Sweet Pea said between swings, "She doesn't trust us! So it's like this everywhere."

  Buttercup was motionless, slightly impressed. Another dent and a panel yawned open. Sweet Pea gestured for Buttercup to take over while he caught his breath.

  "Thanks."

  The 2,658 buttons available for pushing intimidated Buttercup.

  "Are you sure this is the right control thing?"

  Sweet Pea shrug
ged.

  The lighting for the controls flickered.

  "I think it's having troubles too," Sweet Pea reckoned. "May I?"

  Buttercup moved aside again. Planned. Strong. He reached back and sent a rod into the controls. They shut down. For a moment, it seemed like everyone was going to die. Then it powered back on.

  "Huh, how did you know how to reset the system like that?"

  "What now?"

  Ms. Halo slumped over her legs. The light from her hair was gone. The street lights and the moons were all the guidance they had now. Patches ran to her side.

  "Thank you, sweetie."

  "Of course, please be careful."

  "Grandma! We need you." Waffles yelled.

  The colonists' homes suffered, but the people were still standing - except Mr. Jenkins. The winds had slammed him against something with an edge. His top half was facing right; his bottom half was facing left. Then he died.

  "It's alright," Waffles said, "Ms. Halo can revive him." The old man looked at her expectantly. Resurrection was nothing new for the old man. As a child, he saw the alien take off corpses from the too-young-to-die crowd and deliver them back as people the next day. He was hoping to use the service soon himself.

  Patches and Cuddles moved her close enough to look at the man.

  She looked down. I've seen worse, she thought. He was at least whole; no brain reconstruction was necessary. But she remembered the cost of resurrections nowadays.

  "I can't do that, I'm sorry," Ms Halo said.

  "What do you mean?" Waffles asked, "I know you can. No wait. I'm sorry Grandma, I must be using an archaic word for the procedure. I believe it's called zyrtic...."

  "I'm sorry I have to go." Ms. Halo brought a remote out from the well-knitted rags she was wearing. The dented hovership came. Sweet Pea and Buttercup followed.

  "What's going on?" Buttercup asked.

  "Mr. Jenkins was killed in the storm," Patches explained.

  "Oh."

  "Ms. Halo won't revive him," Cuddles added.

  "What!?"

  Ms. Halo loaded herself onto the hovership.

  "Wait, let's talk about this," Buttercup said, "I know we can work something out to bring him back."

  "It's not possible."

  "What is it? We must be able to do something."