The Absolute at Large

by Karel Čapek

  “For the time being, nothing. My dear Bondy, I just study and compare. It is a second Babel. Here, for instance, you have the Roman Catholic publications expressing the suspicion that ‘the confusions of these times of religious excitement are being deliberately organized with Satanic subtlety by the Freemasons.’ The Nationalist Press blames the Jews, the Socialists of the Right blame those of the Left, the Agrarian party attacks the Liberals; it’s killing. And mind you, we’re not really in the whirlpool yet. In my opinion, the whole thing is only just beginning to get into a tangle. Come here, Bondy, I want to tell you something.”

  “Well?”

  “Do you think that He . . . you know what I mean . . . that He’s the only one there is?”

  “I don’t know,” replied Bondy. “And is it of any special importance?”

  “Immense importance,” Marek answered. “Come closer, Bondy, and prick up your ears.”

  CHAPTER XVII

  THE HAMMER AND STAR

  “B ROTHER SENIOR WARDEN, what do you see in the East?” asked the Worshipful Master. He was dressed all in black, wore the white leather apron, and held the silver gavel in his hand.

  “I see the Masters assembled in the Temple and ready for labour,” said the Senior Warden.

  The Worshipful Master gave a knock with his gavel.

  “Brother Junior Warden, what do you see in the West?”

  “I see the Masters assembled in the Temple and ready for labour.”

  The Worshipful Master knocked three times with his gavel. “Let the labour begin.”

  The Brothers of the Free French Masonic Lodge, “The Hammer and Star,” took their seats, never taking their eyes off the Worshipful Master, G. H. Bondy, who had called them together at such an unusual time. The lodge was as quiet as a church between the black-draped walls with the maxims of the craft woven in the hangings. Bondy, the Worshipful Master, was pale and thoughtful.

  “Brothers,” said the Worshipful Master after a while, “I have summoned this unusual meeting . . . for this . . . er . . . unusual labour, which in . . . er . . . unusual opposition to the secret precepts of our Order . . . is no mere formality. I know . . . that I am violating the solemn and consecrated form of our labour . . . in asking you to come to a decision upon . . . a really serious . . . and public matter . . . of the highest importance.”

  “The Worshipful Master in the Chair has the right to order our labour,” declared the Judex Formidabilis, causing general agitation among his hearers.

  “Well, then,” began G. H. Bondy, “it concerns the systematic attacks . . . upon our Order recently begun . . . by the Clerical party. They state that our secret activities . . . of the last hundred years . . . are connected with certain extraordinary . . . and regrettable occurrences . . . in the industrial and spiritual field. The Clericalist papers assert that the Masonic Lodges . . . have brought about . . . deliberately . . . this unfettering of demoniacal powers. I ask you . . . what we ought to do . . . in the present time of calamity . . . for the benefit of mankind . . . and for the honour of the Most High. This subject is now open for discussion.”

  After a moment’s solemn silence the Junior Warden arose.

  “Brothers, at this historic moment, I welcome, so to speak, the impressive words uttered by our Worshipful Master. He spoke, so to speak, of regrettable occurrences. And indeed, we who concern ourselves, so to speak, only with the welfare of mankind, are bound to declare all these regrettable miracles, illuminations, fits of love for one’s neighbour, and other disturbances to be occurrences which are, so to speak, in the highest degree regrettable. We must with all the discretion we owe to our Order decline all connection, so to speak, with these regrettable facts which, so to speak, do not agree with the traditional and progressive principles of our Great Order. Brothers, these regrettable principles are, so to speak, in fundamental disagreement with it, as our Worshipful Master very rightly said, since the Clericals, so to speak, have taken up arms against us, and if we have in mind, so to speak, the highest interests of mankind. I therefore move that we should express our agreement in the fullest sense of the word, as the Worshipful Master in the Chair very rightly said, these regrettable occurrences.”

  Judex Formidabilis now rose.

  “Brother Worshipful Master, I should like to say a few words. I have to observe that certain occurrences have been spoken of here in a very regrettable manner. I am of opinion that those occurrences are not so regrettable as our Brother Junior Warden thinks. I am really not aware which occurrences Brother Junior Warden is alluding to, but if he has in mind the religious meetings which I myself attend, then I am of the opinion that he is mistaken. Indeed, I will say frankly that I consider that he is entirely in error.”

  “I move,” suggested another brother, “that we should take a vote on whether the said occurrences are regrettable or not.”

  “And I move,” said another, taking the floor, “that we elect a smaller committee, of some three members, say, to investigate these regrettable occurrences.”

  “I am in favour of five members.”

  “I vote for twelve.”

  Judex Formidabilis was heard to say, “Excuse me, brothers, I have not yet finished speaking.”

  The Worshipful Master rapped with his gavel.

  “I call upon Brother Judex Formidabilis.”

  “Brothers,” began Judex gently, “we will not quarrel who is to have the floor. The occurrences concerning which several regrettable opinions have been expressed here are of a character that deserves attention, interest, yes, and even respect. I do not deny that I am a member of several religious circles who have received divine grace in especial power. I trust that this is not inconsistent with the discipline of the Freemason.”

  “Not at all,” said several voices.

  “Moreover, I have to admit that I myself have been priviliged to perform a few minor miracles. I think that this does not conflict with my rank and degree.”

  “Certainly not.”

  “May I therefore, speaking from my own experiences, state that the aforesaid occurrences are, on the contrary, praiseworthy, uplifting, and moral, that they contribute to the welfare of mankind and the glory of the Most High, and therefore—from the Masonic standpoint—there can be no objection to them. I move that our Lodge should declare its neutrality with respect to all these manifestations of the divine presence.”

  The Senior Warden rose and said: “Brothers, I certainly don’t believe in any of this stuff, and I’ve seen nothing of it; all the same I’m in favour of standing up for religion. I don’t think that there’s anything in it, but is there any reason why we should say so? I therefore move that we secretly let it be known that we have the very best information about the whole business, and that we approve of things going on as they are.”

  The Worshipful Master raised his eyes and said: “I call the attention of the brethren to the fact that the Industrial Federation has elected the Absolute as its honorary President. Further, that the M.E.C. shares, the so-called Absolute Stock, may go up still higher. In this connection I may say that a donor who wishes to remain unknown has contributed one thousand shares to the Benevolent Fund of our Lodge. The meeting will now proceed.”

  The Junior Warden announced: “I beg to withdraw, so to speak, the regrettable occurrences. From the higher point of view I entirely agree. I move that we discuss the matter from the higher point of view.”

  The Worshipful Master raised his eyes and said: “I have to inform you that the Grand Lodge intends to issue instructions relating to the recent occurrences. The Grand Lodge recommends the Masters to join religious circles and organize them in the Masonic sense for the instruction of apprentices in the craft. The new Temples are to be conducted in an enlightened and anticlerical spirit. It is desirable to examine the various doctrines—monism, abstinence, Fletcherism, vegetarianism, and so forth. Each circle is to be instructed in a different faith in order to test out practically which is the best for the welfare of mank
ind and for the glory of the Most High. These activities are obligatory on all Masters by decree of the Grand Lodge. The meeting will now proceed.”

  CHAPTER XVIII

  IN THE NIGHT EDITOR’S ROOM

  T HE largest Catholic or popular newspaper, The People’s Friend, had not a very large editorial staff, and so at 9:30 p.m. there were only two men in the room—Kostal, the night editor (Heaven knows why night editors’ pipes have such an amazing stink), and Father Jost, who sat writing the leader for the next issue and whistling between his teeth.

  At that moment Novotny, the printer, came in with the wet proofs.

  “Well, how about the leader, gentlemen, the leader?” he growled. “When are we going to set it?”

  Father Jost stopped humming. “Ready in a minute, Novotny,” he said quickly. “There’s just a word I can’t get. Have we already had ‘satanic machinations’?”

  “The day before yesterday.”

  “Aha. And has ‘treacherous onslaught’ been used too?”

  “Yes, we’ve had that.”

  “‘Knavish imposture’?”

  “We ran that to-day.”

  “‘Impious fabrication’?”

  “At least six times,” said Kostal.

  “That’s a pity,” sighed Father Jost. “I think we’ve been a bit too lavish with our ideas. How did you like to-day’s leader, Novotny?”

  “Strong stuff,” said the printer. “But we ought to be getting on with the setting.”

  “Ready in a minute,” Father Jost replied. “I think our friends in higher quarters were satisfied with this morning’s issue. You’ll see, his Lordship the Bishop will call on us. ‘Jost,’ he’ll say, ‘you let them have it properly.’ Have we used ‘maniacal ravings’?”

  “Yes.”

  “What a pity! We must bring up fresh guns and blaze away. ‘Jost,’ his Lordship said to me not long ago, ‘Up and at them! Everything may have its day, but we shall stand for ever and aye.’ Mr. Novotny, can’t you think of any suitable phrase?”

  “Well, couldn’t you say ‘criminal narrow-mindedness’ or ‘perverse malignity’?”

  “That would do splendidly,” said Father Jost, with a sigh of relief. “Where do you get all these bright ideas from, Novotny?”

  “From the old files of The People’s Friend. But that leader, your Reverence.”

  “You shall have it at once. Just wait a minute: ‘The criminal narrow-mindedness or perverse malignity which with the idolatries of Baal sullies the pure waters from the rock of Peter!—aha, now we shan’t be long—sullies the pure waters, rock of Peter, there we are—and sets up thereon the golden calf whose name is the Devil or the Absolute—’”

  “Have you got the leader?” came a voice from the door of the night editor’s room.

  “Laudetur Jesus Christus, my Lord Bishop,” ejaculated Father Jost.

  “Have you got the leader?” repeated Bishop Linda, coming hurriedly into the room. “Who was it that wrote this morning’s leader? Heaven forgive me, what a pretty mess you’ve made with it. What idiot wrote it?”

  “I . . . I did,” stammered Father Jost, retreating; “Bishop . . . Your Lordship . . . I thought . . .”

  “You’ve no right to think,” roared Bishop Linda, his eyeglasses flashing at him eerily. “Here, take the thing”; and crumpling up that morning’s issue of The People’s Friend in his hand, he flung it at Jost’s feet. “I thought! Look at him, he thinks! Why didn’t you telephone? Why didn’t you ask what you were to write? And you, Kostal, how could you put it in the paper? You thought, too, did you? Novotny!”

  “Yes, sir,” exclaimed the trembling printer.

  “Why did you have that stuff set up in type? Did you think, too?”

  “Oh, no, sir,” protested the printer. “I have to set what they send me. . . .”

  “Nobody has to do anything but what I want,” Bishop Linda declared decisively. “Jost, sit down and read the drivel you put together this morning. Read it, I tell you.”

  “For a long time past,” Father Jost read, in trembling tones, from his own leading article—“for a long time past the public has been disturbed by the knavish imposture . . .”

  “What?”

  “Knavish imposture, my lord,” groaned Father Jost. “I thought—I—I see now . . .”

  “What do you see?”

  “That ‘knavish imposture’ is a little too forcible.”

  “So I should think. Read on!”

  “. . . knavish imposture carried on with the so-called Absolute . . . by means of which the Freemasons, the Jews and other progressives are befooling the world. It has been scientifically demonstrated . . .”

  “Look at Jost! Look at him!” cried Bishop Linda. “He has scientifically demonstrated something! Read on.”

  “. . . scientifically demonstrated,” stammered the unfortunate Jost, “that the so-called Absolute . . . is just as impious a deception . . . as the tricks performed by mediums. . . .”

  “Stop,” said the Bishop with a sudden amiability. “Take down the following leading article: ‘It has been scientifically demonstrated . . .’ Have you got that? . . . ‘demonstrated that I, Father Jost, am a jackass, a dolt and an idiot.’ . . . Have you got that?”

  “Yes,” whispered Jost, utterly bewildered. “Please go on, my . . . my lord.”

  “Throw that into the waste-paper basket, my son,” said the Bishop, “and open your stupid ears. Have you read to-day’s papers?”

  “Yes, my l . . .”

  “Ah, well, I don’t know. This morning, my reverend friend, there appeared first of all a communication from the Monist Association, asserting that the Absolute is that Unity which the Monists have always proclaimed to be God, and that therefore the cult of the Absolute is in complete correspondence with the doctrine of Monism. Did you read that?”

  “Yes.”

  “There was also the announcement that the Masonic Lodges commend the Absolute to the support of their members. Did you read that?”

  “Yes.”

  “Further, that at the Synodical Congress of the Lutherans, Superintendent Maartens gave a five-hour address in which he proved the identity of the Absolute with God made manifest. Did you read that?”

  “Yes.”

  “Also that at the convention of the Seventh International the Russian delegate, Paruskin-Rebenfeld, moved that honour should be paid to Comrade God who had proved His sympathy for the workers by entering the factories. It had been noted with gratitude that the Most High Comrade had decided to work in place of the expropriated classes. A motion was brought forward that as a further proof of solidarity He should begin a general strike in all His undertakings. After the presiding officers had deliberated in private, the motion was recalled as premature. Did you read that?”

  “Yes.”

  “Finally a resolution was passed that the Absolute was the exclusive property of the proletariat, and that the bourgeoise had no right to do honour to Him or to benefit by His miracles. Instructions were given to devise a scheme for a workers’ cult of the Absolute and to carry out secret defensive measures in case capital should attempt to exploit or appropriate the Absolute. Did you read that?”

  “Yes.”

  “There also appeared an announcement by the Free Thought Society, a notice sent in by the Salvation Army, a communiqué from the Theosophical Centre ‘Adyar,’ an open letter addressed to the Absolute and signed by the Benevolent Association of Landlords, an announcement by the Federation of Merry-Go-Round Proprietors, signed by the President, J. Binder, besides The Voice of the Union of Constance, special numbers of the Voice from the Beyond, the Anabaptist Reader and the Abstainer—did you read all that, my friend?”

  “Yes.”

  “Well, then, my dear son, you see this: that in every case they make the most solemn claim that the Absolute is their own private property, they do Him honour, and make Him splendid offers, appoint Him honorary member, patron, protector, and Heaven knows what else—and meanwh
ile on our side some crazy lunatic of a Father Jost—Jost, if you please, an insignificant object called Jost—shouts out to the universe that it’s all a knavish imposture and a swindle already scientifically exposed. Saints and martyrs, you’ve got us into a pretty fix!”

  “But, my lord, I had orders to . . . write against those phenomena . . .”

  “So you had,” the Bishop interrupted him sternly. “But didn’t you see that the situation had entirely changed? Jost,” cried the Bishop, rising to his feet, “our churches are empty, our flock, is running after the Absolute. Jost, you blockhead, if we wish to bring our flock back to us, we must secure the Absolute. We will set up Atomic Karburators in all our churches . . . but that, my little priest, is above your head. Bear in mind this one thing: the Absolute must work for us; He must be ours, i.e. He must be ours alone. Capiscis, mi fili?”

  “Capisco,” whispered Father Jost.

  “Deo gratias! Now, friend Jost, now shall Saul become Paul. You’ll write a nice little leading article in which you will make it known that the Sacred Congregation, taking cognizance of the petitions of the faithful, has admitted the Absolute into the bosom of the Church. Mr. Novotny, here is the Apostolic Letter to that effect; have it set up in large bold type on the front page of the paper. Kostal, announce among the local news items that Mr. G. H. Bondy will on Sunday next receive the sacrament of baptism at the hands of the Archbishop, and add a few words of hearty welcome, of course, you understand? And you, Jost, sit down and write. . . . Wait a minute; we want something really striking to lead off with.”

  “We might say something after this style, my lord: ‘The criminal narrow-mindedness and the perverse malignity of certain bodies . . .’”

  “Splendid! Then say: ‘The criminal narrow-mindedness and the perverse malignity of certain bodies have for some months past been active in endeavouring to mislead our people into the paths of error. False and heretical doctrines have been proclaimed to the effect that the Absolute is something other than the selfsame God to whom we have from the cradle raised our hands.’ . . . Have you got that? . . . ‘raised our hands in childlike faith . . . and love.’ . . . Have you got that? Continue . . .”