by David Bennis
Vilifying the victim
Have you ever been in a situation where someone, usually someone close to you, has done something wrong to you but ends up unfairly turning the tables on you in regards to responsibility or blame? The chances are they are using the “vilifying the victim” manipulative tactic on you where they make you feel like the bad guy when you call out their behavior.
Neurotic people are the most targeted prey by manipulators for this tactic since they easily fall for it. Neurotic individuals are more likely than average to be moody as well as experience feelings of anxiety, fear, worry, frustration, anger, jealousy, envy, depressed mood, guilt, and loneliness. Neurotics oftentimes hate to think of themselves as the injuring party. Instead, they would rather carry the burden of abuse than consider themselves as the abuser. Manipulators are very much aware of this. Therefore, when they want to gain the upper hand in any encounter, an especially forceful and effective combination is to play the victim and then vilify the real victim.
Shaming
Shame is a nasty self-conscious emotion usually characterized by evaluating oneself negatively, withdrawal motivations as well as feelings of worthlessness, distress, powerlessness, mistrust, and exposure. Manipulators use shaming - the act of bringing shame to others – to divert attention away from their own issues and behaviors by putting pressure on a victim in order to maintain control. They use put-downs and sarcasm to increase self-doubt and fear in the victim. The shaming tactics can be very subtle from the unpleasant tone of voice, a fierce look or glance, subtle sarcasm to rhetorical comments.
The manipulated is put in a situation that is impossible where they feel they are basically flawed and can’t measure up to the standards that the manipulator is imposing on them. Therefore, this makes the victim dedicate themselves to attempt to make up for their ‘badness.’ Shaming is a very effective way of fostering a sense of inadequacy in the victims.
Shaming is very common among personality-disordered parents with unchosen or adult children. These parents often misdirect their anger at their children who end up growing up with feelings of worthlessness, uselessness, unappreciated, and unloved.
Seduction
Manipulators use seduction by using charm, flattery, praise, or openly supporting their victims to get them to trust the manipulator, lower their defenses, and give them their loyalty. Other times they would offer help with the same intent and to also gain access to the charmed, unsuspecting victim.
Seduction is a powerful and sneaky manipulation tool that enables the manipulator to favorably manage the impression of their victim and at the same time trying to get something from them. A lot of people want to be liked and valued, which also makes them vulnerable to –seduction techniques. Therefore, when a person shows attention to another or acts in a way that invites the other person to feel special to a certain extent, they would never feel they are being manipulated. Instead, they feel like there is something about them that is worthy of attention that is making the other person behave that way.
Sometimes, seduction is not done with a malicious motive behind it, or with such intensity to cause real damage. Also, sometimes the victim can be aware of what is going on and but opt to enjoy the flattery while not taking it too seriously. But when it comes to manipulators, they can lie, cheat, or use any other means to get what they truly want. To manipulators, seduction can be very calculated, deliberate, and conducted in a manner that the victim is completely swept away. At this point, they are quite blinded by the nature of the manipulator, and their true character starts to show only after the manipulator gets what they wanted. And by then, it’s already too late for the victim.
Blaming others
The difference between shaming and blaming is that in shaming the victim is told that they are something bad, but in blaming, the victim is told that they did something bad. When a person constantly apologizes for everything is one sign that indicates they have suffered from this kind of manipulation tactic. They would even apologize before talking or for simple things like laughing, and they would feel the constant need to apologize or make excuses for asking a question. All this shows that a veiled and unfounded guilt hovers over their world.
Such kind of attitude doesn’t just spring up out of the blues. Usually, this happens when the person has had someone in their life that has shown them rejection due to the way they act or what they say. This is known as victim-blaming manipulation. A victim of this manipulation tactic essentially feels like everything they do or say is wrong. The manipulators constantly point out their mistakes and show them that failure or any other “incorrect” behavior isn’t tolerated.
The manipulator here is usually someone who has a history with the victim; someone loved, admired, or had authority over them. The way the manipulator acts is subtle and other times even violent. Some of the techniques they use in this manipulation tactic include rejection (usually in a passive-aggressive manner), they prevent certain subjects from coming up, make their victim feel like they intelligent in whatever they think, say or do and they refuse to accept or solve a problem. In summary, this manipulation involves the manipulator violating their victims psychologically, so they aren’t questioned.
Feigning confusion (playing dumb)
Playing dumb is a clever way of manipulating someone into having doubts about the behavior they are trying to confront or the legitimacy of the issue. Feigning confusion involves the manipulator pretending that they are confused about the important issue that the other person is trying to bring to their attention or they have no idea what the other is talking about. They can even protest loudly and indicate they have nothing to feel guilty or ashamed of. This way, the other person is in turn left confused so that they even doubt their own accuracy of perception or they start feeling guilty and seeing themselves as the unfair accusers. The manipulators can also intentionally include some elements in case there is room for doubts.
If the manipulators find themselves unable to deny their responsibility in something, then they might resort to claiming they had no malicious intent, and if any harm occurred, it wasn’t their intention. This is known as feigning innocence.
Feigning innocence
Same as feigning confusion, this tactic is effective in manipulating a person confronting a behavior into having doubts whether the issue they were trying to bring up to the other’s attention is legitimate. The manipulator may put on a look of indignation or surprise.
Both feigning innocence and confusion are effective tactics that manipulators use to deny malicious intentions. They are very effective especially on neurotic people and for various reasons and when they know that they can successfully fool you through this tactic, then they know that they are halfway towards gaining total control of you.
The bandwagon effect
In psychology, the bandwagon effect is a phenomenon whereby people do things mainly because other people are doing it disregarding their own beliefs, which they either chose to override or ignore. Now manipulators can use this phenomenon to their advantage. They can comfort another person into submission by using either true or false claims that a lot of people have already done something and that the other person should do it as well. They use common phrases such as “Everyone does this anyways” or “many people like you…”
This kind of manipulation is common in peer pressure situations, particularly in such scenarios where the manipulator tries to influence someone to try drugs or other substances or other immoral behaviors.
Brandishing anger
Manipulators use anger to display adequate emotional intensity and rage in order to shock their victim into submission. Whether it’s fear of the known or the unknown, they use it as a weapon to intimidate other people into giving-in or giving-up to their demands. In actual sense, the manipulator is not really angry, but they are just putting on an act.
Controlled anger is a common manipulation tactic that manipulators use to further hide their intent, avoid confrontation as we
ll as telling the truth. They can expertly use anger as a defense mechanism to avoid revealing the truth at inconvenient circumstances or times. The manipulators may go on to use threats such as calling the police or intentionally contrive abuses and then make false reports of the hem to intimidate or scare the other person into submission. They use this tactic often as a tool to ward off suspicion or inquiries, and as a result, the victim ends up focusing more on the anger rather than the manipulation tactic.
Other forms of controlled anger and manipulation include blackmail and threats of exposure, particularly when the victim refuses the initial suggestions and requests by the manipulator.
Practical examples of emotional manipulation
Bullying
Bullying is when manipulators take intimidation to the next level. Bullies openly threaten or throw-beat other people in to giving in to their demands or giving up what they don’t want you to have or when you look like a threat to them. They take pleasure in terrorizing other people into submission. Using fear is their main weapon; it could either be the fear of the known or fear of the unknown. People in relationships with such kinds of partners are very much aware of their track record of behavior, and they do not know what such partners are capable of but also the lengths they would be willing to go to get what they want.
Bullies use manipulation and intimidation to keep their victims on the defensive and make them so afraid of what might happen to them if they dare go against their wishes. Other times, they would display intense rage and anger, and not because they are really angry but to terrorize their victims into doing what they want. Victims of such rageful and tormentors behavior should never ignore it and should realize that that kind of person would stop at nothing to get what they want.
The thing about bullies is that they are one of those manipulators that are least likely to change their method of doing things. This is because it not only is an effective way to make people be submissive to them, but it also makes them avoid being submissive to people of either a higher authority or also standard of conduct. This makes bullies less likely to internalize levels of controls and standards that make people civilized. Victims in relationships with people with such tendencies should not find a way to get out of it in any way.
Chapter 4: Ten Psychological Tricks to Manipulate Anyone
Sometimes you may get the sense that you are being manipulated. It could be from someone close to you or from a coworker or a salesperson. And most of these times you may not even be aware that you are being manipulated. While manipulation is not always done for evil reasons, it’s still important to know when it’s happening. This is a list of ten common psychological tricks that people use to manipulate anyone and can you identify when it is happening to you.
Mimicking body language
Mimicry or mirroring is when the manipulator essentially copies somebody’s body language like subtle touches to the skin, an upright posture or running the hands through the hair. There are plenty of researches which suggest that mimicking someone’s body language makes them more likely to identify with you subconsciously, thus making them more likely to do what you want. Experts call it the “chameleon effect,” which makes the manipulated feel like they have met a kindred soul, thus making it easy for the manipulators to manipulate them.
Marco Iacoboni, a professor of psychiatry, wrote about the chameleon effect in his book Mirroring People: The Science of Empathy and How We Connect with Others. In the book, the professor claims that mirroring helps in establishing a rapport, which is a very important step in helping a person become acquaintances or friends with another. He further explains by exhibiting similar actions, attitudes as well as speech patterns as the other person, it may lead them to believe that you are more like them thus more likely to become a friend.
Master manipulators know how not to do too much of the mimicry so that they don’t end up becoming ultra-annoying to the other person.
Nodding the head
It might appear contrary to common sense but nodding while explaining things gives the other person the impression that you certainly know what you are talking about. This dips into the chameleon effect since the person who is being talked to is likely to end up mimicking the nodding too without even knowing it and fooling themselves that they actually understand what is being said or happening.
A study published in the Basic and Applied Psychological journal by scientists in 1980 seems to agree with this phenomenon stating that people tend to nod when listening to another person and thus it makes them more likely to agree with what the person is saying. This act also constantly reinforces the manipulator's words with the body language that signals “yes,” making them appear as a helpful and positive person.
The act of nodding the head while asking a question also makes the other person more likely to agree with the manipulator or comply with their request.
Smiling before talking
Charles Darwin looked into the “science of smiling” and discovered that the simple facial act serves as a manifestation of happiness and can be easily used to form connections with other people. It makes people feel comfortable and at ease. Manipulators use this trick right before talking while being careful, not smile when the time is not right; for instance, when discussing a serious or sensitive topic.
Asking people for favors when they are tired
Manipulators are effective and calculated hunters with the ability of great timing. They know when to pounce when to strike hardest as well as when to abort their chase. One of the best tricks they use is asking someone for a favor when the person is tired. At that moment, the person is less likely to put the energy to refuse any request or disagree since both the mental and physical energy levels are depleted.
A study that somehow explains this idea was conducted on about a thousand court decisions found that judges, who are expected to be rational-thinking exemplars, are also as susceptive to this conception just like anyone else. The study showed that prisoners are over 60% more likely to be granted parole either early in the day or just shortly after a lunch break.
Also, CBS News reported the findings of a study published in the Marketing Research Journal, which stated that advertisers are more likely to “win over” customers when they are tired. Additionally, manipulators don’t force opportunities, but they welcome them and at the same time, keep their eyes open.
Using people’s name often while talking
Human beings are basically driven by ego, and our names form a large part of who we think we are. Psychologists have discovered that the use of someone’s name frequently while in a conversation makes the person believe that you really like them and in turn, they are more likely to do what you want.
For instance, Dale Carnegie, in his book How to Win Friends and Influence People, stated that “A person’s name is to him or her the sweetest and most important sound in any language.” This means in the entire universe, to you, your name is the most important word; it forms the core part of your identity. Therefore, hearing your name validates your existence and in turns makes you feel more positive about the person saying it – and manipulators know this very well.
Observing the unique words people use and then using them too
This trick is the same is mimicking, where the manipulator listens to the unique words that a person frequently uses to help them get a better understanding of that person.
John R. “Jack” Schafer, Ph.D., a retired FBI special agent, refers to these words as “word clues.” In an article on Psychology Today, he wrote, “If the eyes are the window to the soul, then words are the gateway to the mind. Words represent thoughts. The closest one person can get to understanding another person’s thoughts is to listen to the words that he or she speaks or writes. Certain words reflect the behavioral characteristics of the person who spoke or wrote them.”
Therefore, carefully listening to the words that a person is using and then using those same words while speaking is likely to establish a ra
pport and more trust with that person.
Repeating things back to people
Paraphrasing what a person has said and then repeating it back to them is one of the best ways to show them that you indeed understand how they feel. This trick is called “reflective listening.” Therapists and counselors understand this method better and use it in their sessions by reconstructing what their clients feel and think and then relaying this understanding back to them. Research has shown that reflective listening used in therapy sessions makes clients more likely to display more emotion and open up. And this is a very effective trick in manipulating anyone.
Speaking quickly
Speaking quickly can sometimes overwhelm the person being talked to and wear them down, so much that it can sometimes make them agree to what they are told without processing the information. A person who talks quickly is far more likely to be persuasive because they are literally giving information faster than the listener’s brain can get the chance to critically evaluate it.
A report by Lifehacker stated that “Speaking faster gives dissidents lesser time to form counterpoints and more easily persuades them. Speaking slower lets those likely to believe you stack your rationale on top of their own bias to form a stronger opinion in your favor.”
Manipulators use this trick to create an illusion of having a comprehensive knowledge and the ability to make “logical” links that the targeted victim don’t get a chance to critically analyze what is being said.