by David Bennis
Door-in-the-face (DITF) technique
This is a very common method usually studied in social psychology. It simply means making a large request then scaling it down. In this technique, the persuader, or in this case, the manipulator, attempts to convince a person to comply by making a large request that the person will most likely turn down. After the turndown, the persuader is then likely to ask for a much more reasonable request that the other person will most likely be obliged to accept.
For example, a friend borrows you an unreasonable amount of money, and you say no only for them to turn around and ask for a smaller amount that you agree to. You would be surprised to learn later that the smaller amount he asked for was the actual amount that the friend needed and only used the technique to make you give in to them.
This technique was discovered in 1975 by Robert Cialdini and his colleagues. The scientists concluded that for the technique to work, the targeted person must reject the initial request and that the target person must believe that the other person has made some compromise. Therefore, the second request must be smaller than the first request. In the case of our friend, had he requested for the smaller amount, in the beginning, you would have been less likely lent him the money. This is one neat trick that manipulators use to manipulate people.
Pretending a bit of advice you give is from a respected person
This trick is just straight-up lying. Presenting your own advice as coming from a respected person such as a prominent expert or like a father figure can someone more likely do what you want. Presenting information as a quote is much more believable since it makes it seem much more valuable – so much that you remembered it enough to share it with other people. This makes you yourself look more respected by association.
Chapter 5: Weapons of Emotional Manipulation
What Is Emotional Manipulation?
How would you feel or react when you realize that for the longest time you had been acting out of the script of someone else? That is, you have been in control of your own actions and also your life as a whole. If it sounds scary and probably annoying, that is what emotional manipulation is all about. While a lot of people talk about emotional manipulation, there are still many who don’t know what it is all about.
Emotional manipulation, or sometimes called psychological manipulation or “mind-effing” is used to refer to the behavior which is intended to change the attitude as well as the behavior of other people by using deceptive, devious and sometimes abusive means. The manipulator psychologically or socially influences their victims to respond or behave to situations or issues in a manner that is unoriginal to their victims but which suits their purpose. This is classic manipulation because while you are acting out of that person’s script, you will think that you are still yourself.
Emotional manipulation usually doesn’t involve using force but has a lot to do with playing with someone’s emotions and mind (psychological) to exploit them. It’s very hard to credit this concept with advantages if any, because of the covert nature of the work that goes into it and also the end results. Emotional manipulation compares to when someone uses what belongs to you to feed their own desires but in a covert manner and without your permission. While the manipulator acting in secrecy is definitely an issue, the biggest issue is when the manipulator makes you do things you wouldn’t normally do or things that don’t consider as good, or you seriously object to.
Usually, when a person is ignorant of the tactics or techniques that the manipulator is using on them, they may not be able to break loose from the spell. They will keep convincing themselves that they are in charge of their life when they are actually not. But knowing the techniques can easily make them identify when they are being used. And while emotional manipulation is generally considered a bad thing, there may be times when you will need it to get what you want from people who have not been very cooperative with you and having knowledge of the tactics used would go a long way in helping you in such situations.
Basically, emotional manipulators identify their victim’s psychological weak points and then work on them. This is only wise because if one makes a mistake of manipulating the other where they are the strongest, the manipulator will fail before they even begin. Expert manipulators look at an aspect that makes their victim vulnerable and work through that.
The best practical tactics and techniques to emotionally manipulate others
We have previously discussed tactics that manipulators use to manipulate their victims psychologically. While it is just the same thing, the following tactics are very specific to emotional manipulation. These tactics are not just limited to the ones discussed since every other day; manipulators are orchestrating new ways to get what they want from people.
Projection
Projection is a diversionary tactic that manipulators employ to shift their shortcomings or deficiencies to another person. Instead of accepting responsibility for their errors, they would rather make another person take the blame. It is a psychologically abusive tactic that aims at taking the burden of guilt off their shoulders and mounting it onto someone else’s. The main motive here is to paint themselves clean, and the other person looks dirty and unfortunate.
However, in a lousy situation, the manipulators are not usually the only ones to blame. It is not uncommon to encounter individuals like this once in a while. The moment a problem or defect is identified somewhere they are, such kinds of people are quick to find a victim on whom to lay the entire blame on. For example, a lazy employee who hasn’t been a good performer at their place of work, and also, the company where he works is not doing well. Being an emotional manipulator, the lazy employee will blame the company’s management as a reason for the loss. You will find them saying that the management has been ineffective or incompetent, and in the process, he leaves his own laziness out, which is actually of the main reason the company is in financial woes.
Such kinds of people exist in intimate relationships. For example, instead of a partner admitting their need for intimacy, they would turn things around and accuse the other partner of being too clingy and also that they are only doing the other a favor. Their main aim is to appear stronger when they are actually the weaker ones. This manipulative tactic is also common in people who are quick to notice and point out the wrong in others. But in actuality, they are projecting their negative selves.
Intimidation
To intimidate is to frighten or overawe another person, especially to make them do what one wants. Emotional manipulators usually apply the technique of intimidation to silence people who they consider a threat to them. In the case of a confrontation, they would look at the other into the eyes and with strange body language so that they can induce fear and distract their victims from their train of thought and make them end the debate.
Emotional manipulators use this tactic to victims who are easily frightened or cajoled. As we have mentioned many times before, manipulators are very skilled at identifying the weak points of their victims and use that to exercise control on them. Once they realize that you are easily frightened, using intimidation and threats are some of the techniques they would constantly use on you.
If someone exercises this manipulation on you, the best way to get out of it is by overcoming your fears and learning to stand up for yourself when intimidated. In fact, preventing yourself from revealing your weaknesses or fears to someone you can’t trust is one of the precautionary moves you can take to avoid such situations.
Magnifying their own problems while diminishing that of others
This is also another covert emotional manipulation tactic. Emotional manipulators start by pretending that they are sorry for the things that you are going through, and while at it, they may also put on a show of short-lived empathy. This is usually a ruse to hide their true intentions. But soon after, they would quickly bring up their own problems or challenges and magnify them so much that yours end up looking insignificant.
One that this manipulative
can be identified is when the other person always remember they have a problem the moment you bring up your own. Instead of helping you find a solution, they would rather bring up their own and start discussing it endlessly. This unwarranted comparison can be both frustrating and annoying because it denies you the sympathy that you so much need at that point. Also, it can even make you look or feel stupid to have raised your issue at that moment. In the end, they succeed in making you feel like you are intolerant; at the end of the day, your problems are not the worst.
Intellectual bullying
Overwhelming someone with intellectual facts is one of a kind tactic that people use to manipulate others. Don’t get it wrong though, they may not always be accurate in what they are quoting but what they do know is that the other person doesn’t have access to or a chance to verify what is being said as valid. This way, they are able to place themselves before the other as an authority of some kind in order to have a way with them.
This emotional manipulation tactic is common at point of sales or in financial institutions. Because they are sweet-talkers and you can’t confirm their alleged claims, you may end up falling for their tactics unknowingly. One of the ways of avoiding to fall in this trap is knowledge; that is, being informed. You don’t necessarily have to know everything but strive to know something about everything.
Name-calling
One of the character traits of emotional manipulators is that they have an exalted opinion of themselves that is usually false. To them, other people are never right while they are never wrong. In fact, most emotional manipulators have been said to be narcissists. Therefore, when you are about to challenge their ego by putting their thoughts and opinions into question, be prepared to be called more names other than those in your birth certificate.
To be frank, if you haven’t learned to develop tough skin by now, it would be easy for you to succumb to manipulation, especially out of annoyance. It is never fun to be called names like an idiot, troublemaker, fanatic, extremist, or any other name or title. The main goal that the manipulators try to achieve by doing this is to dirty your intentions and end up silencing you.
Conditioning
Conditioning is a psychological training method of an animal towards a particular taste or trait that the trainer wants. Now imagine that on a human being. Of course, the manipulator would do this secretly. Through emotional manipulation, the victim is the one being “trained” by the manipulator. The idea here is to make the victim do away with their initial values and instead embrace those of the manipulator. For example, if a victim values honesty, then the manipulator would present anything good in life as dishonest. That way, the victim will end up associating honesty with a set of wrong values. The main reason that manipulators do this is so that the victim fails to proceed further and might even end up being disgraced.
Gossiping and stalking
Every emotional manipulation tactic’s main aim is to control a person. However, when manipulators find it hard to control their targeted victim, they look for other ways to achieve that by controlling how other people view or see the victim. This can be achieved by spreading false information behind the victim’s back and other times monitoring their movements. The idea here is to not only give people a bad impression about the victim but to also intimidate them. For example, when a partner hints at ending a relationship due to the other partner’s bad habits, the other partner would go around spreading lies. The intention behind this is to get people to generally dislike the victimized partner due to the lies being spread instead of people getting to know the truth.
Bad surprises
It is nice to be surprised once in a while, especially from a loved one. But surprises from an emotional manipulator comes differently; they are used as a tool to throw their victim’s off-balance. A manipulative person would keep a promise only to say at the last moment that it won’t be possible. The main aim here is for the manipulator to get a psychological advantage over the victim by putting them in a situation where they can’t do anything but yield to their demands. At that last moment, when the victim doesn’t have any other option, the manipulator would bring out their egoistic demands that the victim would have no option but to meet them. This tactic is common among business people, and the 0key to staying out of it is to reach a legal agreement before signing a deal.
Personality marketing
This tactic involves a person selling their alleged good qualities to another before they even get to know them personally. When the manipulative person here realizes the qualities that their targeted victim wants to associate with, they come sneakily blowing their own trumpets and marketing those qualities the victims prefer. This is a technique commonly used by politicians. They identify the qualities that their voters want in a leader and market themselves like that. It is only after they have been voted in the office that they would start showing their true colors.
Demeaning sarcasm
While making it look like a joke, manipulators would mention things that their victim is struggling with in an underhanded way. This is meant to create feelings of insecurity to the victim and eventually overpowering them. Manipulators usually apply this tactic when they feel like their victim is getting too much recognition or attention. Demeaning sarcasm is done when a person cracks jokes about some struggles or failures in another person’s life like a failed exam or marriage. Such things aren’t anywhere near funny, but manipulators will make jokes out of them. While it may appear that it is just clowning, what the manipulator is trying to achieve is to make other people realize that the victim isn’t perfect or they aren’t worth as much as other people thought.
Triangulation
This emotional manipulation tactic is very common in romantic relationships. It is also one of the emotional narcissists’ leading characteristics. The idea here is for the manipulator to validate their own selfish and wrongdoings towards their victim by making recourse to another party’s act. For example, a victim would be abused, and then when making a fuss, the abuser, without apologizing or admitting their wrong, would then direct the attention to another friend of the victim who was slapped by a partner and didn’t make a fuss about it. The main intention here is to make the victim look like they are overreacting and also the abuser or manipulator would technically be validating their action. The principle of triangulation is to divert the victim’s attention by comparing an upsetting event of a third party to justify their current wrongdoing.
Boundary testing
Boundary testing is when manipulators test their victims to see how far they can go in crossing the victim’s line before they trespasses the victim’s personal boundary. They cross one line at a time until they get deeper into their victim’s head. This is a very common tactic among abusers. First, they would talk condescendingly to the victim, when they show “excessive understanding” the next time they would slap them and if the victim accommodates that as well, it won’t be very long after that when they would turn into a punching bag. The reason this tactic succeeds is the victim choosing to show empathy rather than stand up to themselves. Narcissists, the most chronic emotional manipulators thrive in this. Their main concern isn’t empathy but rather the consequences of their actions. Therefore, the more they succeed in decapitating their victim, and nothing happens, the more they move a notch higher.
Judging others
This is one of those emotional manipulation tactics that is done openly; anyone else apart from the victim knows and sees it. The manipulator would deliberately pick on their victim, especially when they know that there is nothing the victim can do right away. The most egoistic and self-centered emotional manipulators are the ones who display this characteristic very often. They would keep bringing out their victim’s fault and brush aside their good efforts so that other people would view them negatively. Also, this tactic helps fuel the manipulators' ego because the more they judge the victim, the more they are portraying themselves as, the better one. The victim can save the
mselves from this tactic by severing ties with the manipulator and avoid showing considerations of any sort.
Chapter 6: Relationships
Love is a beautiful thing, and it is one of the most intense emotions known to human beings. Love can come you’re your parents, relatives, children, friends, but a lot of people seeks its expression in romantic partners.
For a lot of people, romantic relationships provide a source of deep fulfillment, which is one of the most meaningful aspects of life. The need to form human connections appears to be inborn, but the ability to form a loving and healthy relationship is learned. Sometimes things turn out successfully, but other times they head in the complete opposite direction.
Any kind of relationship experiences some kind of manipulation from relationships with parents, or friends and mostly with romantic partners. Have you ever had a partner who was so into your head that one day you just woke up and realized you were doing things you never thought you would do willingly? Chances are you fell prey to an expert manipulator.
Manipulation in relationships, especially romantic relationships, is a serious problem because it is sly. Expert manipulators can twist words and actions so much that it appears every mistake made in that relationship was your fault. If you are not in control of your feelings, thoughts, and actions, manipulation can make you feel crazy, and it can even go on forever before you become fully aware of what is happening.
How to recognize the signals of emotional manipulation in your love relationship
Manipulation is a common weapon used by controlling partners and abusers because of it almost always hard to prove, it is easy to get away with and it also makes you feel like you were the cause of the abuse. A lot of people do not realize it until it’s too late when the most damage has already been done. And then trust issues arise.