by David Bennis
While some manipulators are just so good that catching them in the act is difficult, there are some signals that indicate that your partner is in your head. Knowing these signals can go a long way in helping you recognize when you are being manipulated. And the biggest hope is you find a partner that does not need to rely on shady control tactics in your relationship to feel secure.
The home-court advantage
Manipulation is all about control. Taking a person out of their element is one of the tactics that manipulators use to gain control. Think about it this way, where do you live, whose friends do you visit, where do you hang out, where do you go on dates. If all these are your partner's favorite spots, then you are probably being manipulated.
You are easier to be controlled when you are not in the surroundings you are comfortable with. In places where they feel ownership and familiarity and where you lack them. To avoid this, equal the home court advantage – 50-50. Ensure that you both live in each other’s lives and that you make all your choices together.
They are calm, cool and collected
When something bad happens, or things seem to be in chaos, or there’s conflict, is your partner super calm? Your partner could be manipulating you into thinking that you are overreacting and giving you the feeling that you can’t trust your own emotional reactions. Their calm attitude during a crisis is their way of controlling your emotional responses. They decide when a situation is worthy of an emotional response. Otherwise, the rest of the time, you are just dramatic or silly.
This behavior can make you question your own maturity or mental health, and in the long run, you might not realize it, but in the event that something happens, you may find yourself looking to them for how to respond.
This manipulation can be so damaging that you might need therapy eventually to help you get back in touch with as well as trust your true emotional responses. But to avoid this, always trust your gut and never forget that you don’t have to justify your own feelings to anyone.
If you really love me…
This is one of the worst. No matter how innocent it sounds, it’s still a form of manipulation. Manipulators use this method to get what they want by questioning your love for them repeatedly. “If you really love me, you would do this for me.” This method uses emotion and guilt to try to shame or nudge you into doing something.
You can always shut this down by pointing out that you can still love them without having to do what they want. Also, you can ask for more direct communication indicating that they can still ask you to do what they want you to do for them without staking your love for them.
Plain old bullying
This is one manipulation signal that is easy to recognize. For instance, when your partner asks you to do something, and you don’t want to, you really want to say no, but the tone they use coupled with the look on their face says you better do what they ask, or something bad is going to happen. So you end up saying “I would love to!” and then you do it.
Evidently, this is a person that is using the threat of violence to control you and make you agree to do what you don’t want to do. What’s even disturbing is that later on, you might hear them say things like, “You could have said no, you didn’t have to do that.” This is just a way to make themselves look like they are the good guy and that it’s your fault that you didn’t do your work because you were too busy doing what they asked you to do.
Countering this manipulation is tough; with the threat of violence at hand, the best you can do is do what they want at the time, and then, later on, you can figure out how to escape. Some manipulators and abuser do use real violence to get something out of you. But in non-abuse situations, you can assert your “no” and stick to it. However, when you are in a relationship where you can’t speak out without fearing for your safety, then you definitely need to get out.
Tugging on your heartstrings
To make you understand this signal, let’s put it this way. Your partner finds a puppy. Now a normal partner would first ask you how you feel about getting a puppy, discuss the food and vet care budget and if you could afford it, or find out if the landlord is okay about having pets on his property and determine if getting a puppy for both of you is the best choice. However, a manipulative partner will tag at your heartstrings, and if you dare say no, they would turn things around and make you feel like a bad person. He would say something like, “Look at his little face! He's homeless! Do you want him to die cold and alone on the streets? Do you even have a heart?”
Never let anyone make you feel like a bad person when you make the best choice for yourself. Most of these manipulation tactics can be dealt with reasonable alternatives. For example, in a situation like this, when you don’t want the puppy, it’s not up to you to ensure its survival. You suggest finding it another home or better still take it to an adoption shelter.
Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a manipulation tactic where your partner makes you feel or believe that you are losing your mind. The manipulator sows seeds of doubt in a person making them question their own perception, memory, and sanity. By using persistent denial, lying, contradiction, and misdirection, gaslighting’s main aim is to destabilize the victim as well as delegitimize their beliefs.
The term, gaslighting, originated from Patrick Hamilton’s 1938 play named Gaslight and its 1940 and 1944 film adaptations. In the films, a husband convinces his wife that she is imagining that the gaslight in their house is dimming, but in reality, the husband the gaslight does dim when he turns the attic lights brighter as he searches the attic during the night. The term has been used both in research and clinical literature and also in political commentary.
When your partner constantly does shady things, then they are gaslighting you. It could be pretending they didn’t say things, or you say things, twisting the truth, leaving out information, making you think you forgot things, re-inventing the past, and generally making you feel like you are losing it. In the long run, you will end up feeling like you can’t trust yourself or your own brain and that you need your partner to keep you in check. If you notice this signal, the best and the only thing to do is to get away. Plain and simple - gaslighting is a serious form of abuse.
Playing the victim
While we have mentioned this before, playing the victim is a serious manipulation tactic, and when you see it in your relationship, it is a clear sign that you either need to get your partner in check or you need to get out of that relationship.
A good example of when your partner plays the victim is when you are fighting. It wouldn’t matter who was wrong, or what went down or what was said but your partner would be just heartbroken and express disbelief that you would hurt them like that – even when they were the one on the wrong. You would always end up apologizing for things you didn’t do, and your partner would keep on expressing hurt and helplessness and in need of extra love and attention. This is just their way of avoiding taking responsibility for their own actions.
Playing the victim is a way of making you feel like a bad and unworthy partner. What you need and should always do is apologize only for what you feel deserves your apology. Never let your partner shame you into falling on your own sword.
Emotional blackmail
Emotional blackmail is not pleasant, and it will never result in a healthy relationship. Manipulative partners will emotionally manipulate you by saying things like “I would die without you” or “I will kill myself if you leave me.” While it might sound casual and dramatic, it is a manipulative tactic that your partner uses to keep you under their control by inducing fear, guilt, and shame. You don’t have to be in a relationship simply because your partner threatened to kill themselves. Another person’s life or well-being is not solely your responsibility.
.This tactic is usually just a manipulative way to keep you in their control since it’s never a real threat. They would never really kill or harm themselves; therefore, never fall for it.
Convenient needin
ess
Does your partner suddenly get weak, sick, or in need of care and support when things don’t go their way? Even they are actually sick; this is a serious form of manipulation. Some examples: your partner doesn’t want you to leave them because “who will take care of me?” They suddenly develop a headache, or they don’t have the energy so they can’t help you with the house chores. You can’t go somewhere because you have to stay at home to help them through their anxiety. They suddenly feel faint when you introduce a serious conversation. Or maybe they fake illness so that you will feel sorry for yourself and give them extra attention.
If one or more of these has ever happened to you, it’s a clear signal of manipulation, and it is definitely not a serious relationship and one that you should consider leaving.
They are always just joking
This tactic manipulates you in two ways. The first part is when your partner criticizes you or says hurtful things, and then when you get upset, it would be your fault because they were just “joking.” To them, being cruel to you doesn’t matter, what matters is that you are too sensitive and that you can’t take a joke. The second part is when they publicly make jokes about you and accuses you of making a scene or ruining the fun when you respond negatively. This is just their way of cruelly putting you don and destroy your strength or confidence without having to take accountability.
Confronting your partner when they hurt you can be a difficult thing to do but you need to stand up to yourself. You don’t have to worry about being too sensitive or ruining the fun even if your manipulative partner will try to shame you for it.
Killing them with kindness
Kindness can be damaging when it is used as a manipulation tactic because once you discover you were being manipulated with it, you will always question other people’s motives every time they are trying to be nice to you. When you hear someone asking another person what they want after they have been presented with gifts or strings of compliments, they have probably been through this kind of manipulation before and fell for it.
When your partner asks you to do something for them because they have “done all this nice stuff for you,” be very wary, especially when it’s something you don’t want to do. Kindness with an underlying motive is not kindness at all. If you spot it, simply say thank for the kindness but don’t give in to the manipulation’s controlling aspect.
They make you believe that you want what they want
All relationships start with requirements and deal-breakers, but as the relationship progresses, it’s natural to make compromises when the two lives start to blend. What is not normal is when one partner sets aside what they want and need completely in order to appease the other.
If you are in a relationship and you start feeling this way, like your partner's needs are being met a lot more than yours, you might have fell prey to a manipulator. If you are giving in to what your partner wants out of feelings of guilt or because they have made responsible for their own feelings, or you have entirely given up what you want because they have made you believe that you want something else, then you might want to reconsider that relationship.
He makes you responsible for his emotions
Manipulative partners are ironic because most of the time they spend is to make you feel like you are unable to think for yourself but then make a complete U-turn and make you responsible for all their emotions. If they are sad, you probably made them that way, or if they are angry, you better check yourself because you clearly did something. As much as they take a lot of things away from you, including your ability to control your own life, they still expect you to be responsible for what they feel.
He forces his insecurities on you
Manipulative partners usually force their insecurities on you in an attempt to control you and also how you react towards them. When they say things like “I’ve been cheated on before, and that’s why I don’t want you to have any male friends. You can understand that right?” or “I’m sorry I acted that way, but I’m just so scared that you will leave me!” you are being manipulated.
You need to be aware of your partner's insecurities and do not allow them to define the functionality of your relationship.
The silent treatment/stonewalling
A lot of people in relationships prefer this type of manipulation. Rather than talking about the issue at hand, they decide to you the silent treatment. They refuse to engage with you and ignore you openly despite your constant attempts to communicate your feelings to them.
Sometimes, being quite in itself isn’t bad. Most times, being silent and thinking about the elephant in the room can help one arrive at a conclusion. However, manipulative partners use this tactic purposely to punish their partners and win the argument. It sends you the message that you clearly don’t matter. This is how they gain power by making you wait, and whether they know it or not, the ultimate intention is to place uncertainty and doubt in your mind.
And if the silent treatment prolongs until you apologize, especially when you weren’t wrong in the first place, then you have an expert manipulator at your hand, and you should deal with it as soon as possible.
Love-bombing
Love-bombing is marked by inconsistent romance. Your partner may periodically shower you with attention and flattery, be it in the form of phone calls, texts or gifts, and then they unexpectedly disappear, or get moody and rude without reason before the next round of romantic gestures starts again. All this is just a way of manipulating you into becoming dependent on their affection, especially at the beginning of a relationship when they want to speed things up.
They are passive-aggressive
Passive-aggressive behaviors involve acting indirectly rather than directly aggressive. These kinds of people have personality characterized by an avoidance of direct communication or an indirect resistance to other people’s demands.
Now expert manipulators are very good at controlling their own emotions. That means they may not easily explode or get visibly angry when they are mad, instead they will hold things against you and use passive-aggressive actions to carry their anger out for longer. Examples of such actions include saying rude things under their breath, talking to a flirty neighbor and even cooking something you hate for dinner.
These actions can go for relatively mild like the ones mentioned above, to the very serious like sabotaging your well-being or success. It is particularly stressful to be on the receiving end of this behavior. It is outright manipulative, indirect, and dishonest. If your partner has such tendencies, it is best to call out the behavior and ask them to change, but if they are unwilling, then leaving the relationship should be your next best option.
Checking your messages
When your partner constantly checks your messages mostly behind your back and other times in front of you, they are manipulating you. In most cases, this is both an invasion of privacy and a betrayal of trust. Then there are those partners who learn to manipulators their significant others into accepting this behavior. They will tell you things like, “If you don’t have anything to hide, why do you care?”
This kind of manipulation is particularly common in relationships where trust doesn’t thrive. Trust issues are normally a result of something that previously happened in a relationship. But in some cases, it could simply be a manipulative person’s way of controlling you and keeping you in check.
Withholding sex to get what they want
This is a very direct and common type of manipulation experienced in many relationships. It is fairly common with women, but there are men who do it too. A partner would withdraw sex from the other when they are not getting what they want, and other times, it is a form of punishment for their partner when they have done something they didn’t like.
In healthy relationships, withholding sex isn’t always a big deal, like when they do it to tease you or when they are just playing. Sometimes, it is also understandable when a partner is genuinely upset with about something. Therefore,
they need some time to let go of the anger until they can get comfortable enough to have sex again.
But withholding sex is definitely a problem when your partner is purely trying to get something out of you or to punish you.
Social Media shenanigans
Social media has made manipulation so easy and has aided the behavior in so many ways. Now manipulative partners can post passive-aggressive quotes can is probably meant for you like “If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at your best.” Or they can post pictures of themselves with someone of the opposite sex, or actively comment or like pictures or statuses of maybe an ex or someone they are sure you are jealous of.
If your partner is doing this, it’s most likely that they are doing it on purpose to put you down or make you feel jealous.
What do emotional manipulators use to seize power in a relationship?
Naivety
Naivety is the state of being naïve. This means that it is when a person lacks or shows a lack of understanding and/or experience, often in a context of taking people at face value rather than paying more attention to what they are doing or what they are saying. A Naïve person chooses to refuse to believe that anyone can be dishonest, or takes it for granted, and if they were, then they aren’t allowed to prey on others. Manipulators know this fact very well and can use it to their advantage.
At some point in life, everyone suffers from naivety; it all goes with the territory of growing up and the more you grow and gain experience (mostly gained the hard especially through manipulators hands) you know and do better.