“Tell me, brother. Tell me, so I can kill it, or destroy it, or make it right again,” Bane said softly, adopting the soothing tone that always worked best when Bam was a kid, and their parents had managed yet again to wound his sensitive soul.
Bam shook his head again where it rested against Bane’s chest, dislodging Bane’s cheek where it leaned against Bam’s head. “You can’t,” Bam managed to get out in an anguished voice. Another sob followed.
“Yes, I can. Tell me,” Bane gently insisted.
“I’m not enough,” Bam whispered.
“What?! Says who?” Bane asked angrily.
Bam didn’t answer for a few moments, then, “The gods.”
“You’re wrong, Bam. You are one of the only males that is enough,” Bane told him.
Bam shook his head vigorously, “No. I’m not.” He took a deep breath, sighed heavily, then tried to explain, “I found her, Bane. I found the One that I’m supposed to have. But we aren’t golden. I know it’s her. I smelled her in the bar the day that Vince kicked Kaid out for fighting. I felt her in her workshop when we went to town shopping with Delilah. I knew she was here, but if I didn’t see her, it wasn’t so bad. It hurt, but I could manage. Now? Now I’ve seen her. She’s seen me. I know that she’s the One, and she knows it, too. But we aren’t golden, and if I claim her, she’ll be miserable, always wonderin’ why it don’t feel quite right. And one day she’ll find one that is enough, one that makes her golden, and then she’ll hate me. I can’t win.”
“Aw, Bam. You…” Bane started, but Bam cut him off.
“I don’t want to feel anymore, Bane! I don’t want to feel, and I don’t want to hurt!” he screamed. “Why?? What did I do that was so fucking bad that I have to be punished so bad for so long?!” he screamed, yanking himself away from Bane and jumping to his feet, pacing back and forth, shoving his hands into his hair and pulling as hard as he could, screaming and roaring in desolate pain.
Bane jumped up, unwrapping Bam’s fingers from his hair, slowing his pacing, holding Bam to him again. Shooshing him ‘til he calmed a bit. Then Bane saw that Daniel and Avaleigh and Kaid and Delilah had been standing just out of sight still inside the trees. Avaleigh stepped away from Daniel and approached cautiously, looking to Bane in case he gave her any indication to stay away. Bane didn’t stop her; he knew that Bam adored Avaleigh and admired her deeply. She didn’t speak - just gently wrapped her arms around both Bane and Bam. Bam stiffened at first, then softened and turned partially to Avaleigh, leaning over to place his head on her shoulder as best he could, without letting go of Bane. They were both large males, and it was almost impossible for Avaleigh to manage to get an arm around them both, but she tried. Bam sobbed, “Avaleigh” in a broken voice, then, “it hurts.”
“I know, Bam. It does. But it’s worth it in the end. You’ll see.”
“No! I’m not…” he started.
She interrupted, “You say you’re not enough one more time, I will kick your ass myself. You understand?!” she said sternly, but not unkindly.
He just kept holding onto her and Bane, nodding his understanding. Then he sat on the ground again, taking Avaleigh with him and Bane, too.
And there they sat, as Avaleigh listed all the ways her life was better because of Bam. When she finished, Bane took over, listing all the ways his life was better, then Daniel, Kaid and even Delilah had their turns. They had each quietly joined the scene unfolding by the creek as Avaleigh and Bane had spoken.
Bam had gradually quieted. Sitting between Avaleigh and Bane, a death grip on each of them as he listened to his clan tell him all the ways he’d made their lives better, richer. He’d never thought that he made that much of a difference, but listening to them, he began to think that maybe he was wrong.
When they’d all had their say, Avaleigh said, “I’d be lost without you, Bam. None of us, not one of us would be the same without you. That’s the truth. Let your Bear out. Allow him to feel us. We are not just trying to make you feel better; we mean this.”
“I can’t,” Bam whispered.
“You can’t what?” Bane asked.
“I can’t let my Bear out. He’s dangerous right now,” Bam said.
“Why’s he dangerous, Bam? He’s never been dangerous before,” Kaid asked.
Bam looked at his hands, where they clasped both Avaleigh’s and Bane’s hands, “’Cause he almost killed some Foxes. They was threatening Everly with some bad things, really bad things. And he took over, and we protected her, and really I let him, ‘cause I wanted to protect her, too,” he admitted. “Me and Maverik was gonna kill them.” He smiled weakly, “Maverik really wanted to kill them, but we didn’t ‘cause I knew that it would be a big problem for Kaid. One of them was the Fox Alpha.”
“Fuuuuccck,” Kaid breathed out.
Bam rushed to reassure him, “But we didn’t. We didn’t kill them, just hurt ‘em real bad. They was gonna hurt her, Kaid!” Bam pleaded for his understanding.
“It’s okay, Bam. I understand. You did good. Tell me what happened,” Kaid said.
So Bam explained what happened. He was very conflicted, proud, but yet sad when he explained about her saying that her Mate was a Bear and that she was going to call him if they didn’t leave her alone.
Then, when he finished and told them that he’d claimed her to the Foxes, and then denied her to Maverik, they understood. They knew why he was so emotional and so wrung out. He and his Bear were extremely sensitive. They didn’t like to hurt anyone, they didn’t lie, and they were loyal to a fault. And here they’d done all that, including claiming their Mate and denying her all in the same day. They were raw, and for a male like Bam, someone who thought in emotions, even in colors sometimes, it was almost too much for him to bear, no pun intended.
Delilah asked him almost hesitantly, “Bam, why can you not claim her? If she knows that she is yours, and you know that you are hers, why can you not claim her?”
“Because we aren’t golden. Every time I see a person like us that has a Mate, they are golden, but not a lot. Then when they have found their Mate, or if they are already claimed, they really glow, a bright gold. Like the sun. Unless you’re a Dragon, then it’s kinda purple. Bane has always been kinda gold. Goldy was kinda gold. Maverik was just black ‘cause he was broken, but even Kaid was gold, ‘til you; now he’s kinda gold and purpley mixed. And now that all ya’ll are mated, you’re all really glowy.” He smiled to himself, not really seeing any of them, seeing inside his own head, for a moment before continuing, “But ever since I was little…I’m not gold. Not even a little. I’m not anything, I’m not a color at all. Nothing at all. I was made without a Mate.” He looked up at them, then quietly said, “I’m not enough. Never have been.”
Delilah stood, walking closer to Bam - she paused right in front of him, her long black hair moving in the breeze almost as though it had a life of its own, the silver streaks seeming to increase as she stood there, gathering her power.
Daniel tensed, preparing to place himself between Avaleigh and Delilah if necessary. He knew she wouldn’t intentionally hurt any of them, but even Delilah wasn’t aware of all her powers or just how strong she actually was. Then she spoke, the full force of her nature clear and present in her voice, causing all the shifters, including Bam, to hunch in on themselves, though Kaid fought it valiantly and refused to bend. “Bramley,” she said with force, “You will NOT speak of yourself as not enough again.” He opened his mouth to object, and she spoke over him, clearly telling him to shut up and heed her words, “Am I clear?!” she raised her voice.
Bam, eyes huge as he watched her, nodded.
“You will not EVER speak of yourself as less again. I do not care that you are not golden. I do not care that you are, or are not, any color. I do not think in colors. But I do think in emotions. My emotions tell me that you are the best male. The best!” she shouted the last two words.
Kaid rumbled behind her, “Well, except for my Kaid,” she amended, wh
ich quieted Kaid at once.
“This is but an unusual situation. It does not appear as usually it should, because you are unusual. It is not that you are not enough; it is that you are special. Unique. And because of that, you do not see your gold. This is all that this is. No more. No less. It will be addressed. We shall make it right. I refuse to accept any less!” Delilah stated emphatically.
She spun on her heel to leave the group, taking the first steps back in the direction of the trees, but she paused, turned back to Bam, where he sat stunned watching after her as she retreated from their group. She winked at him, offering him a small smile. He just sat there; could she be right? Was it possible that he might actually have his own Mate, his Ever, at his side one day. His Bear nudged him, he looked inside at him, and Bear grinned at him, smiling encouragingly, nodding, sending Bam a picture of Everly and one word, Ours.
Chapter 5
Delilah stomped her way through the trees, on a mission to prove that Bam was wrong, that he was indeed more than enough, and that he should have his Ever. Only she didn’t go to her house; she went to Janie’s. Janie had been teaching her to read, and she knew that Janie would be the best one to help her find the right materials to read to prove to Bam that he just wasn’t looking at it properly.
As she followed the path that led to Bane and Janie’s house, she heard voices and the coo of a baby coming toward her. Just a few moments longer and Janie and Maia with Daisy in tow came through the trees ahead of her. “Delilah! We were coming to check on Bam - that was Bam we heard, wasn’t it?” Janie asked.
“Yes, it was Bam. He is hurting. But I believe that he is contained for the moment. Avaleigh and Bane are with him,” Delilah answered.
“Oh, poor Bam. Is he okay?” Maia asked.
“He will be. I will make it so!” Delilah said adamantly.
“What happened? Is he injured?” Janie asked.
“No. His heart hurts. He believes that he was not meant for a Mate, yet he has found the female that he is pulled toward,” Delilah explained.
Janie’s eyes teared, thinking of the pain he must be feeling. She snuggled her little girl tighter as the baby leaned forward to grab a handful of her hair, yanking it from its ponytail and tugging on it repeatedly. “I’m going to take Daisy to see him. She always seems to make him feel better.”
“I wish to read information on Mates and bonding. And…” Delilah paused, struggling for the words, “indications of Mates.” She waved her hand in the air, “Colors or some such thing,” she finished.
“Auras,” Maia supplied.
“What?” Delilah asked, turning her attention to Maverik’s daughter.
“Auras. That’s what Bam sees, auras. At least, I think it is. Grady, the man who helped watch over us as we were growing up, he used to say that Renegade and Miller had dark auras. He said that auras were a good indicator of a person’s soul.”
“Fine. It is a good place to start. Can you help me with this, sister Janie?” Delilah implored.
“Of course, Delilah. We will go to the library tomorrow and see what we can find,” Janie told her.
“Good, this is a good plan,” Delilah said to no one in particular, as she turned to start her way back toward the main house. Janie and Maia followed behind for a few steps, planning to turn toward the creek just up around the curve of the path. Then she stopped suddenly, causing Maia and Janie to stop in response.
“This Grady…does he live still, Maia?” Delilah asked.
“Yes, he does. He moved in with the Highland Pack when I left home,” she answered.
“I wish to speak with this Grady, Maia. Can you arrange this?” Delilah asked.
“He doesn’t have a phone, but we write letters. I can call their Alpha. Keith is a good male; he’ll get him to a phone or take him one, so that he can speak to us.” Maia snickered, “He doesn’t like telephones though, or technology, so don’t expect him to appreciate the phone call.”
“Yes, well, we shall see,” Delilah mumbled as she turned and immediately started through the trees, her mind so full of questions and the need to help Bam that she wasn’t even aware she didn’t say goodbye.
<> <> <> <> <>
Janie and Maia entered the clearing a short while later and found Avaleigh, Daniel and Bane sitting with Bam. He was no longer keening, but was still quite obviously not himself. At Janie’s appearance, Bane smiled at her and motioned her nearer with his chin, raising his free arm to indicate she should come sit next to him. He had his other arm still around Bam’s shoulders, and Avaleigh was tucked under Bam’s arm, her head resting against his shoulder and her arms around his waist. Daniel sat nearby and did his best to try to let the comforting chuffing noises of his Dragon soothe the group. As soon as Daisy turned her little body around to get a better view of the new place her mom had brought her, she saw her Daddy and then her Uncle Bam. She immediately let off a high pitched squeal, kicking her little legs incessantly, grinning and gurgling, stammering over and over again, “Dadadadadadadada.”
Bane thrilled that his little girl was happy to see him, reached for her with his free arm as Janie took a seat in the grass right next to him. She kissed him quietly on the cheek and handed Daisy over. Daisy leaned over giving her daddy open mouth slobbers, mimicking the kiss her mom had placed on his cheek. He chuckled, telling her, “I missed you, too, my little Bear.”
Then she squealed at Bam, who was always willing and ready to play with her. Bam didn’t look up, his head resting against Avaleigh’s where it rested on his shoulder, his heart still open and raw.
Avaleigh smiled at the baby, who grinned open-mouthed, drooling, back at her. Daisy squirmed in her daddy’s lap until he rearranged her to sit on his leg. She leaned over, patting Bam’s leg with her chubby little hands ‘til Bam seemed to realize she was there. Bam raised his head, his eyes meeting hers, and she grinned at him. He reached out a hand, stroking her cheek, before replacing it in his own lap. She struggled free from Bane’s hold, crawling over his leg to Bam. She crawled into his lap, where he scooped her up sadly. He cradled her against his chest, and she immediately snuggled into him, cooing. He let go of Avaleigh and held the baby to him with both hands, snuggling her tightly, but gently, heaving a huge sigh of relief. Daisy rested her head against his neck, turning to look in her parents’ direction, her eyes big and wet with unshed tears, her lower lip trembling. Bane’s eyes got huge and he turned to look at Janie, “Do you think..?”
He didn’t get a chance to finish before he heard Bam say quietly, “I’ll be okay, little Bear. Thank you for trying to make me feel better.”
Janie had to know. She thought she already did, but she had to be sure, “Bam? What do you mean? Is her Bear trying to make you feel better?”
He looked at Janie, a sad smile, though obviously calmer than he was only moments before, “Yup. She’s got a healer Bear, too. She even knows things I don’t.”
“That’s my girl,” Bane said proudly.
Daisy reached up, grabbed Bam’s ear and took a huge bite, causing him to react immediately, “Ouch! Stop, you little rat!”
She grinned, slobbering, and leaned forward to take another nip. He pulled her away before she could get a grip on his ear, so she immediately shoved her hand in her mouth and started gnawing on it.
“You hungry?” Bam asked her. “Here, mom, go get her something good to eat.”
He tried to hand her to Janie, but Daisy started fussing - she was having none of it. He tried to hand her to Bane and again, she fussed and refused her daddy’s hands. She twisted in Bam’s hands, smiling huge when she made eye contact with him. “You want me to feed you?” he asked her.
She immediately started gurgling and babbling, grinning hugely as he got to his feet to take her to the main house to find her something to eat. So, Daisy was the one who managed to get Bam to leave the clearing. Managed to get him to calm enough to stop focusing on the pain he felt. Managed to soothe him enough to have him realize that he needed to get
up and continue on. Or nothing would ever change. None of them, not even Bam, had any idea just how strong and intuitive her Bear actually was. But after today, at least a few of them now had an inkling.
His family stood as he did, smiling, amazed that a little girl could make such a difference in the just recently despondent male. He carried her, talking to her and pointing out the squirrels, and every once in a while plucking a deep red or golden leaf from the air as it fluttered down toward the ground as they walked the path to the main house, and handing it to the delighted child. Bane and Janie, followed by Maia, and Daniel and Avaleigh, walked closely behind. The pain in Bam’s voice was still apparent, but at least it seemed at a manageable level now. Janie smiled up at Bane, who looked back at her, his face full of pride, “She’s a healer,” he said, looking back at their daughter where she rode happily in Bam’s arms, shaking the leaf he’d just handed her. She seemed to sense her daddy looking at her and grinned at him over Bam’s shoulder.
As they approached the house, Bam tried to hand her to her parents again, but she whined and started fussing again. He brought her back to his chest, one hand under her bottom where he held her securely against him, turning her to face him. He sighed deeply, “You just aren’t gonna let me be, are you?” he asked her.
She immediately squealed at him and babbled happily, leaned forward to “kiss” him open mouthed and drooling as she had “kissed” her daddy earlier.
Bam looked at her for a moment longer, before, “Fine. Let’s go inside.”
They were all sitting around the table, visiting, snacking, each hesitant to leave Bam. Most of the rest of the clan had gradually joined them. And when Avaleigh and Daniel had entered the house, Remi had thrown himself, literally, at his dad. His favorite way to greet Daniel was surprise attack. And this time when he’d attacked from the staircase as they’d walked past, Daisy had dissolved into peals of belly laughter. The deep, sweet, innocent baby laughter that makes everyone smile, no matter what kind of day they had. And now, Daisy sat in her high chair next to Bam, trying her best to toss a piece of carrot at Remi. When she couldn’t make it go far enough to clear her tray, she’d hand it to Bam, babbling and looking at Remi. Bam snickered, “I can’t throw it at Remi. Aunt Avaleigh is trying to get him to not throw food anymore.”
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