by Jae
Dawn almost reached out to touch those hands, but she forced herself to remain where she was. "I take it the bard didn't react too well?"
"No, no, she reacted... her reaction was absolutely appropriate," Aiden quickly defended "Gabrielle." "She... I..."
"Aiden..." Dawn couldn't keep up this Xena/Gabrielle role-play any longer. "Let's go for a walk. If we talk in here, I feel like I'm doing couples therapy with myself as part of the couple. It would be too weird."
Aiden stood so fast that it was clear she was not keen on talking in a psychologist's office either. "Well, at least you could be sure the therapist was on your side," she said with a forced smile.
"There are no sides, Aiden," Dawn objected. "We're having problems, yes, but we're not enemies in a war. I still love you."
Her hand already on the doorknob, Aiden turned around. "I love you too."
And I think that might be part of the problem, Dawn thought but remained silent until they were out of the office. Casual sex is no longer an option.
Usually, when they were walking next to each other, they held hands, but now Aiden shoved her hands into the pockets of her long, tan suede jacket. Dawn could see that she was full of nervous energy and had to force herself to adjust her long stride to Dawn's shorter steps.
"Thanks for being the one to take the first step," Dawn said, putting her hands into her own coat pockets.
Aiden nodded. "Why didn't you?" she asked, sounding merely curious, not accusing.
Since the beginning of their relationship, Dawn had always been the one to search Aiden out and force her to talk when things got difficult, so Aiden's question was justified.
"The other times, it was about you, about your issues. This time, I felt like it was about me. Like I was the one at fault," Dawn admitted. At times, she was still angry and frustrated with herself and her body's inability to distinguish between the cruel groping of her rapist and Aiden's passionate but still loving touches. Being left behind just when she needed Aiden most had added feelings of hurt to her already turbulent emotions, but she didn't want to start out their conversation by pointing it out. Aiden was already feeling guilty enough.
"You're not to blame for any part of this whole fucked-up situation!" Aiden protested, almost wildly.
Oh, yes, of course! The blame is all yours, as always. Oh, no, I won't let you do this again! "If I had made mad, passionate love to you last night, there wouldn't be a problem, right?" She stared at Aiden until the older woman looked away. "So maybe 'blame' is not the right word, but I'm part of this whole fucked-up situation as much as you are."
"I shouldn't have done that to you," Aiden grumbled, kicking out at a can somebody had thrown on the sidewalk. "I should have just stayed away."
Dawn caught up with her in two quick steps and grabbed her by the shoulder, roughly dragging her around to face her. "I'm the one who crawled into your bed! Stop blaming yourself!"
"If neither of us is to blame, why did... last night happen, huh?" Aiden hurled at her. Her amber eyes glowed with anger that was mainly directed at herself.
Dawn sighed. She knew that as a cop, Aiden often tended to see situations as black/white, good/bad things. In her world, you were either guilty or innocent, with very few options in between. "Last night, our needs simply clashed. I needed you to hold me after that whole test results thing, and you needed me to get rid of all the tension and emotions of your job. It was just bad timing, that's all."
"Bad timing?" Aiden repeated, clearly not believing the answer could be so simple.
Dawn nodded calmly. "We love and respect each other, but we're still two very different people with very different needs and very different ways of dealing with our emotions. I usually want to talk things out while you tend to work out your feelings in a more physical way." Aiden had used the bloodlust analogy as a joke, but now that Dawn thought about it, there was a kernel of truth in it. She thought back to the many times she had found Aiden punching a heavy bag within an inch of its life after a particularly rough case, and she had long since suspected that Aiden had used sex as another way to exorcise her demons before they had started a relationship.
Aiden couldn't argue with that. "Yeah, but sex is no longer an appropriate way to let off some steam, now that I'm in a relationship," she said, very strict with herself. "That has to change."
"And maybe it will, but not in such a short time." Finding alternative ways to deal with her emotions would take some time and a lot of patience from both of them.
Aiden raised both eyebrows and stared at her. "I hope you're not insulting me and yourself by suggesting we start having an open relationship?"
"No!" Dawn was almost shouting. Then she calmed herself. Aiden didn't seem to have any desire to see other people either. "Just for the record, I'm a firm believer in monogamy."
Aiden nodded. "So am I."
"Isn't it ironic?" Dawn said, smiling wistfully. "You're finally in a committed relationship, and you're having less sex than before."
"Well, according to Ray, that's normal," Aiden said with a shrug.
Dawn shook her head. "Not for a relationship with Aiden Carlisle. I have a feeling you're a very passionate and sexual person."
Aiden stared at the tip of her sensible cop shoes. "I guess," she mumbled.
"That's not a crime, you know." Dawn gently touched her arm, getting Aiden to look up from the ground. "Don't beat yourself up for desiring me. I'm flattered, really. Waiting for you in your bed like a half-naked surprise present, I should have expected you wanting to make love."
"I didn't want to make love. I wanted to have sex," Aiden repeated her words from last night, now a lot gentler, like a confession, not an accusation.
Dawn slowly shook her head. "I don't think that's true. There are many different ways to make love, Aiden," she said, finally entwining her fingers with Aiden's. "Making love, having sex – that's just terminology. As long as it's done with love, it's the same thing."
Aiden still looked a little doubtful.
"Just because you'll sometimes get a little more... energetic doesn't mean you don't love me anymore, does it?" Dawn asked.
"Of course not!" Aiden confirmed without hesitation.
"We only started sleeping together a few weeks ago, so it might take us a while to feel entirely comfortable with each other. That's only normal, especially after I was raped." Dawn forced herself to say the words, to get it all out in the open. "So just because it's mostly been very tender between us so far doesn't mean that it'll always be that way. Sometimes one or both of us will feel like bed-breaking, hot, sweaty sex. Sometimes our sexual clocks will tick synchronously, and sometimes they won't."
"What does that mean for our relationship?" Aiden asked, relaxing a bit. The guilty look on her face finally faded. "I mean, our sexual needs will probably clash again at some point in the future."
Dawn nodded. She was sure there would always be days when Aiden would be on an adrenaline high or unable to get rid of the stress and emotions of the workday in any other way. "You could ask me for what you need," she gently suggested.
"No." There was a finality in Aiden's voice. "I won't do that. I don't want you to sleep with me because you feel obligated."
Dawn shook her head in frustration. Discussing emotional issues with Aiden was more draining than every single fight with both of her exes put together – but also more rewarding, she reminded herself. "It's not about obligations. It's about finding a compromise."
"Compromise?" Aiden repeated skeptically. "Dawn, sweetie, maybe you didn't notice, but sex is kind of an 'all or nothing' thing. Either you have sex, or you don't. Not much room for compromise."
Dawn had to laugh at the expression on Aiden's face. "Oh, I noticed, sweetheart, believe me, I noticed," she said with a grin. "But we could compromise on the way we have sex. For instance, I don't mind giving you a little... relief whenever you need it even if there are times when I don't want to be touched."
Aiden helplessly shook he
r head. "You don't understand. An orgasm isn't really what I'm after in those situations. At least not always. I want to make my bedpartner wild with wanting me. I want to get her off. Getting touched in return is just icing on the cake."
"You, dear Xena," Dawn gently touched the tip of Aiden's nose, glad and impressed that Aiden felt comfortable enough to disclose her desires, "want to be the conqueror sometimes."
Aiden had to laugh at that effective and humorous summary. "Yeah. Without all the gory and violent parts. I'm not into that," she said vigorously.
"I know." From the very beginning, Dawn had felt safe with Aiden. She knew that Aiden would never hurt her physically. "I know you're not that kind of person, so please stop feeling guilty about last night."
"I can't," Aiden murmured, shuffling her feet against the asphalt. "I feel bad to have hurt you."
Dawn looked into Aiden's troubled eyes. Now was the time to be honest and add her own feelings to the discussion instead of just helping Aiden deal with hers. "I won't deny that you hurt me," she said, quickly touching Aiden's cheek and directing her gaze back to hers when she wanted to look away. "But not the way you probably think."
Aiden swallowed. "How?" she rasped.
"What hurt the most was not the passion you put into your lovemaking. It overwhelmed me for a moment, but that's all." Dawn pulled Aiden to a stop next to her, making sure that she heard every word. She wasn't sure she would be able to say it twice because it hurt as much to say it as it probably did to hear it. "What hurt much more than that was the way you walked out on me just when I needed you to stay, to talk, to give me a little comfort."
Aiden blanched. She suddenly looked nauseated. "I didn't mean to hurt you. I was just... I was too angry to stay."
"So what could have happened if you stayed anyway, angry as you were? We would have fought and yelled at each other and maybe cried and said a few hurtful things – so what? I would have preferred a fight to being left behind to restlessly roam around your apartment all night." Dawn sniffled a little and riffled through her coat pockets in search of a tissue.
Aiden wordlessly handed her one. Her hand was trembling. "I'm sorry," she whispered. "I let my feelings of guilt, anger, and frustration get in the way. I couldn't deal with them, so I just ran away."
"That's the point I'm trying to make," Dawn said, quickly drying her tears. "The problem isn't only our different attitudes toward sex. We also have very different reactions to stress and emotional issues. Most often, I won't feel better about things until I've talked about it with someone else. I don't want to be left alone to lick my emotional wounds. You, on the other hand, ignore your emotions and run away until there's too much bottled up inside of you and you have to find physical relief in some way."
"You're right," Aiden said slowly, almost sadly. "We couldn't be more different if we tried."
Dawn forced a smile. "That's not a bad thing. Differences make life so much more interesting. But if we want our relationship to last, we have to find some compromises."
Aiden was silent for so long that Dawn started to worry, afraid Aiden was shutting her out again. But then Aiden looked up. "It hurts to think of another fight, but I know there'll be others, so maybe we could try this: If I feel like running away from an intense situation, I'll go and get us some coffee. That'll give me half an hour to feel a little more in control of my emotions, and then I'll come back with a caramel cappuccino for you, and we'll stay up for as long as it takes to talk things out." She looked down expectantly, waiting for Dawn's reaction.
"Better make it decaf," Dawn said with a smile.
Aiden looked puzzled for a moment, then she laughed. "You mean you'll have to drink a lot of coffee in the years to come, huh? You're probably right."
"Only at the beginning. You'll get better at staying and talking, and I'll get better at letting you go without flipping out." Dawn reached out and tenderly combed a strand of short hair back behind Aiden's ear. "I'm proud of you."
"Proud!"
"You were the one who sought me out to talk, and you were the one to find a compromise for any future heated discussions we might have," Dawn said. "Talking about emotional issues might not come easy for you, but you can do it if you try."
Aiden shrugged her agreement. "I never had a good enough reason to try. The other women and men I've been with didn't grab me by the ear and tell me off if I acted like an insensitive jerk."
"I won't grab you by the ear either. I'm not in this relationship to act like a parent, to criticize and change you, but I won't let you trample all over my feelings either," Dawn said, very seriously. The last year of her marriage had been an emotional hell, and she had sworn right then and there that she would never allow it to happen again.
"I'll try to be more sensitive to your feelings," Aiden promised. "Had I stopped to think about what kind of day you probably had, I wouldn't have tried to ravish you as soon as I walked in the door."
Dawn entwined her fingers with Aiden's again. "On most days, I wouldn't have a problem with being ravished. Just give me a heads-up next time you set out to conquer Greece, all right?" Dawn said with a wink.
"More communication, hmm?" Aiden drew Dawn's hand up and kissed her palm.
Dawn hummed a confirmation. "Tell me what you want instead of just... doing it. I know it takes the spontaneity out of it, but I think I'll need it for a while. Give me a little time to fully wake up before the ravishing starts. And skip the beer."
Aiden nodded earnestly. "I can do that."
"Voila, another compromise." They grinned at each other. Both knew there would probably be times when it wouldn't be enough, but it was a good start, and they both were willing to work on it.
They turned around and strolled back in the direction of Dawn's office. "So now that you've cured the Warrior Princess, are there more patients back at the office, waiting for you to work a miracle?" Aiden asked with a smile.
"No, the miracle-working bard is free to go home now," Dawn answered. She held her breath, hoping Aiden wouldn't try to back away from her after the emotional intensity of their discussion.
"Well, in that case... Would you mind if I stayed over at your apartment tonight?" Aiden bounced on the balls of her feet like a teenager with too much nervous energy. "I'd love to just hold you. So, would you like some company?" She directed a hopeful puppy-dog look down at Dawn.
"No. I mean, yes, yes, I'd love to have you over," Dawn corrected quickly, "but I have self-defense class tonight, remember?"
"Oh. Right. No problem. Guess we'll see each other on the weekend anyway." As always, Aiden was quick to hide her hurt feelings.
"I won't be home 'til ten, but that doesn't mean you can't come over. You have a key," Dawn reminded. "Or I could come over to your apartment after class." After last night, Dawn thought it might be important for both of them to go back to Aiden's apartment instead of staying over at Dawn's and avoiding the memories of last night.
Aiden looked down at their hands, stroking Dawn's fingers with her thumb. "You really don't mind? If you need some space... I don't want to be clingy."
Dawn laughed. "You don't have a clingy bone in your body, Aiden Carlisle. I'll come over as soon as I've mastered that 360-degree spin kick, okay?" she asked, using an old inside joke from a time when they had still only been a victim and a detective to each other.
"All right. I'll get rid of the beer and the Warrior Princess attitude before you arrive," Aiden promised, giving her hand a squeeze.
"Avoiding beer would be a good idea, but I like an adventurous woman every once in a while." Dawn winked at her. "Maybe this time, I could wake you up by ravishing you, hmm?"
Aiden leaned down to kiss her, not caring who might see them. "Mm-hm, I'd like that."
"Great." Dawn lightly patted her partner's irresistible butt. "Now, Xena, where did you park Argo, your trusted horse?"
CHAPTER 9
THE PHONE RANG for the third time in less than half an hour.
Kade opened tir
ed eyes with a groan. She struggled to throw off the damp covers and sat up. She held her hand over the receiver, waiting for her head to stop spinning and debating with herself whether to pick up.
The last two calls had been hang-ups – and they weren't the first. The calls had started a few days ago. As soon as she got home from the office, her phone would ring. When she picked up, her mystery caller would say nothing. No threats, no profanities, just soft breathing until Kade slammed the receiver down.
The mysterious flower deliveries and the feeling of being watched had been on her mind a lot lately, but she hadn't been too worried. Kade didn't intimidate easily. Pissing off people who had a lot of criminal energy was what she did for a living after all. In her two years with the sex crimes unit, she had received enough hate mail, death threats, and detailed descriptions of sick fantasies to wallpaper her entire two-bedroom apartment. She didn't pay them any more attention than the seventeen letters of admiration or the two marriage proposals she had received via mail.