by Jae
Aiden took a deep breath. Here it is: the moment of truth. There was only one thing Aiden knew for sure about their father. "He raped my mother." There was no way to make this seem better, so she just said it.
She had almost hoped to see shocked disbelief on Evan's face, telling her that Evan hadn't known, that Evan hadn't grown up with the knowledge that she was a child of rape. Evan's jaw clenched, but there was only anger and helplessness in her gaze, no surprise.
"You already knew that," Aiden said quietly.
Evan chucked down her coffee, acting as if it was a shot of something much stronger. "I suspected. Once a rapist, always a rapist. It's in the blood. You can't change it," Evan's voice held bitter resignation.
Aiden knew she was mostly right. There was no cure, no accepted therapy for sex offenders. Still, Evan's words had held so much more than just that scientific fact. It's in the blood, she mentally repeated and heard Dawn's voice again. It's about making assumptions about yourself. "So you think he raped your mother too? Are you sure?" Aiden had hoped for another explanation, a one-night stand or a short fling.
"Oh, yeah. No doubt about it." Evan took another sip of coffee even though Aiden knew it was still too hot to drink.
"How do you know?" Aiden asked quietly.
"I eavesdropped on my grandmother. Not that I had to eavesdrop because she was shouting at my mother over the phone, trying to get her to see me," Evan said, her lips a thin line.
Aiden frowned. "To see you?" She realized she didn't know anything about the way Evan had grown up. She only knew Evan had been in the foster system for many years, being shuffled from foster family to foster family until something else happened that made them send her away. "She didn't live with you?"
"She wanted nothing to do with the 'spawn of that devil.' If my grandmother hadn't been against abortion for religious reasons, she would have aborted me without a second thought." Evan's eyes were hard and emotionless.
This is something she knew for a lot of years and accepted as a fact, Aiden thought, feeling the sadness and hurt Evan had buried deep within herself. I had a lot of hard times with my mother. The drinking binges, the arguments, the loneliness when she hid away in her studio for days... but still, at least I had one parent who cared about me, who cared about whether I lived or died. She sent a silent prayer of thanks to her mother. "So you never even met her?" she asked, trying to understand how life had been for Evan and how it could have been for her.
"No. But the disinterest is mutual," Evan answered, pretending not to care. "The other kids in the foster system always dreamed about their 'real parents' coming and taking them with them to live in a luxurious mansion." She gave an ironic half grin. "I was the only one who never harbored that secret hope. Their dream was my nightmare."
"How old were you when you learned why she didn't want to see you?" Aiden asked, almost afraid of the answer.
Evan didn't have to think about the answer. Aiden was sure she had never forgotten about that day. "It was shortly before my grandmother died. I was six." Once again, Evan kept her voice matter-of-fact. "How old were you?"
Six! God! We really do have a lot in common. I wished that was one thing Evan didn't have to share with me. "Seven." Aiden hadn't understood the meaning of her mother's angry words back then, but she had begun to understand that her father was a very bad man – and that she reminded her mother of him in some ways. When she was sober again, her mother had always taken back her angry words and praised her for being a "good girl." Evan hadn't even had that balancing influence in her life.
"Is that what made you become a cop?" Evan asked frankly. "Because you wanted to catch him?"
Aiden shook her head. "I spent a lot of time trying to find out more about him, to catch him, but no, I didn't become a police officer because I wanted to catch him. Others like him, maybe. Mostly, I wanted to prevent it from happening to women like our mothers. I identify with the victim, not the perpetrator." It was an important distinction.
"Has he ever been caught? Do you know who he is? His name? Why he did it?" Evan had a lot of questions, but Aiden couldn't answer any of them. At least not the way Evan probably wanted her to.
Aiden slowly shook her head. "Once or twice I thought I had a lead, but it was never him."
"Are you still searching for him?" Evan asked.
Am I? Aiden wasn't sure how to answer that question. She hadn't thought about it before. "Not really," she said, trying to figure out when she had slowly ceased her efforts to find the man who had raped her mother and fathered her. I haven't looked at the file in almost a year, she realized. "Other things have become more important in my life, and there was never a new lead... until I learned that I have a half sister."
"Do you think there are others? Other women he raped? Other 'spawns of the devil'?" Evan asked, using her mother's words.
"I don't know. The only thing I know is... you're not a 'spawn of the devil.' Neither am I. Don't let yourself believe that." Aiden threw her half-full coffee cup into the closest garbage can and turned her full attention to Evan.
"We were born from an act of hate and brutality. We carry the genes of a rapist," Evan said as if that explained everything about them.
Aiden stopped and put both of her hands on Evan's shoulders, forcing her to stop too and look her in the eyes. "It doesn't mean we're bad people."
There was no spark of acceptance in Evan's gaze. After years of being told she was a good-for-nothing scoundrel, Evan had started to believe it. She thought the circumstances of her conception were her unchangeable fate.
"Look around," Aiden ordered. She was not about to let her sister believe bad things about herself. She gestured to the other people walking up or down the busy street. "How many of them do you think were born to parents who are thieves, thugs, wife-beaters, murderers, or people with an otherwise criminal past? How many do you think were conceived during emotionless one-night stands, meaningless short flings, break-up sex, or attempts to patch up a doomed relationship?"
Evan furrowed her brow, looking very vulnerable in her confusion. "I-I don't know. Some of them, I guess."
"Do you think it reflects on their personality? Do you think they'll automatically become criminals or uncaring people?" She stared at Evan, still holding on to her shoulders. People had to walk around them, but Aiden didn't care.
"N-no, of course not," Evan stammered.
Aiden continued to look into Evan's eyes. "Then why do you assume the worst about yourself?" Aiden didn't wait for an answer. "We're not helpless victims of our genes, Evan. Our mothers didn't have a choice. We do. We can make a choice not to be like our father."
"I don't know," Evan said with a self-deprecating smirk. "I'm practically famous for making bad choices."
Aiden saw things very clearly now. Dawn had the right idea – this is all about making assumptions about yourself. "Because you let yourself believe that you are bad and acted accordingly."
"Hey, why is this suddenly all about me?" Evan protested, clearly uncomfortable. "Are you telling me being a product of rape didn't affect you and your life at all?"
"It affected every aspect of my life. It still does. That's why I want it to be different for you," Aiden said honestly. She finally stepped back a little and regarded Evan silently.
Evan looked doubtful. "If even you can't make it work, why should I be able to?"
"I didn't say I can't make it work. It just might take me a little longer," Aiden said, hoping that time would prove her right. She wanted a happy life. She wanted a committed relationship with Dawn. She knew she was standing in her own way. On a rational level, it was clear to her that what she had tried to make Evan realize – that there was no danger, no darkness lurking inside her, if she didn't give that thought any power – was true for her too. She hoped that one day she could make herself believe it, instead of just understanding it.
They walked side by side without talking for a few minutes. Aiden could sense Evan had enough of this parti
cular topic for now. "Come on." She softly clapped Evan on the shoulder. "Let's go back to the car and find out who can park the best."
CHAPTER 34
"WHAT NOW?" Del grumbled and stepped out of the shower when the doorbell rang. She hastily dried off and pulled on a shirt and a pair of pants before she hurried barefoot to open the door. A quick glance through the peephole revealed a familiar and very welcome face. Del quickly pulled open the door.
"Hey!" she greeted Kade. "What are you doing here?" She hadn't expected to see Kade so soon. Since returning to the city, Kade had been up to her neck in work. Del had given her space, knowing Kade probably needed some time to come to terms with the many things that had happened within the last few days. She had made sure that she, Aiden, or Ray were watching Kade from a distance, keeping her safe from the stalker without interfering with her life.
Del was giving her space now too. She wanted to greet Kade much more passionately than with a simple "Hey," but Kade made no move to establish physical contact, so she contented herself with drinking in the sight of Kade in one of her power suits.
Kade held up a bag of Chinese takeout. "Two birds with one stone. I wanted to see how you are and make sure you ate something, and I'm avoiding my mother's calls. She's been calling my apartment nonstop since we left Ashland."
"At least she's not breaking off contact with you," Del tried to console her while she led Kade into her apartment. "What does she say?"
"Not much. My answering machine keeps interrupting her." Kade smirked. "She's raving and shouting, demanding that I call her – but I won't. Not until she can talk to me more calmly. I won't let her treat me like a child who did something wrong."
Del nodded with a satisfied grin. She was glad Kade was taking responsibility for her life and demanding more respect from her mother.
"Have you heard from your family?" Kade asked as she followed Del into the living room.
Del shook her head.
"Do you think they will call if... when your father... dies?" Kade asked.
"I'm sure one of them will call to let me know. My mother will probably make my brother Ricardo call again." Del's mother didn't like to deal with things on her own.
Kade turned and softly touched her arm. "Will you go to the funeral?"
"No." Del had known that before she had even left the hospital. Her family probably wouldn't understand, and some people might think her cold and unforgiving, but she had her own reasons, and she didn't need their approval. If there was one person to whom she wanted to explain her reasons, it was Kade. She wanted Kade to know and understand her. "I've already said my good-byes."
Kade gave a quick nod. She didn't need to ask a lot of questions to understand. "How do you feel about it? Seeing your father, both of your parents, after so long... after everything that happened?" she asked gently.
"It'll always hurt," Del admitted to Kade and to herself. She saw no reason to lie. Kade was one of very few people whom she trusted with her vulnerabilities. "But it's not a festering wound anymore. I won't let it poison my life."
Del padded into the kitchen, gesturing for Kade to follow her. She stretched to reach the bowls on the top shelf that she always used for Chinese food. When she turned back around, she noticed that Kade was staring at her – or more precisely at the way her shirt clung to her still damp skin. "You know," Del said, setting down the bowls, "if you want to kiss me, you can."
She wasn't sure what she had expected Kade to do or say in reaction to the teasing words, but Kade's smooth move forward, right into her personal space, surprised her a little. Kade hooked one finger into the neck of Del's shirt and tugged her down.
For a second, Del marveled at the confidence Kade displayed in a situation that couldn't be familiar to her at all. Then Kade's lips met her own and all thoughts ended.
Kade kissed her slowly, leisurely, inserting a teasing nibble of her teeth here and there.
Del wrapped both arms around her and pulled her closer. With Del being barefoot, Kade's high heels almost brought them to the same height. They stood thigh to thigh, breast to breast.
Kade's thigh daringly slid between Del's legs. Del's back hit the kitchen counter, and she grunted a little in half-pained, half-pleasant surprise but never moved away from the increasingly passionate kiss.
Finally, they had to stop simply because of a lack of air.
"Jesus," Del gasped, making a show of wiping her brow.
She wasn't the only one who was surprised at the passionate abandon of Kade's kisses. It seemed Kade hadn't known she was capable of such passion either. Kade stood leaning against the counter next to Del, blinking dazedly, shaking her head as if trying to process what had just happened.
"And here I was worrying about how you are doing with all of this." Del gestured between them.
"Obviously, I'm fine with it," Kade said. She seemed to have recovered from her surprise, the famous Matheson smirk now firmly on her lips. "Del, the concept of two women together is nothing new to me."
Del's eyebrows shot up. A wave of surprise and unreasonable jealousy almost made her dizzy. "You mean...? But I thought..."
Kade rolled her eyes in amusement. "I said the concept, not the reality. Just because I've never slept with a woman doesn't mean I have to be totally ignorant about what to do with a woman. I have a few lesbian friends; I read a lot, and I've supported LGBT rights for years."
That wasn't what Del had been worried about. She had always known Kade was too self-assured to fumble when it came to kissing or making love, regardless of who her partner was. She knew the sexual element wasn't the hard part for Kade. "I know that," she said. "I was just wondering how you're dealing with the emotional and social consequences." Kade seemed okay as long as it was just the two of them, but when others were around, she carefully guarded her emotions and her actions.
Kade leaned back against the counter and studied Del thoughtfully. "Well, for the most part, I'm not. I'm avoiding the emotional and social consequences," she admitted. "If I start thinking about it in any depth, I'm not sure I can go through with... this."
"What worries you the most?" Del asked. She wanted to help Kade overcome her fears, but she also wanted it to be Kade's decision. If Kade came to the conclusion that the price was too high, she wouldn't try to convince her otherwise.
"I have my career to think about," Kade said. "You know I'm aiming high." She gave a confident, but also self-mocking smile.
I should have known she would pick the subject of her career and ignore what a relationship with me would mean for her emotionally. "You think being a lesbian would destroy your career plans?" Del asked neutrally.
"Being an out lesbian certainly wouldn't help them," Kade answered.
"Things are slowly changing," Del said. She had done some research on lesbians in legal and political positions. "There are about half a dozen openly gay or lesbian judges in Multnomah County and even a lesbian Oregon Supreme Court judge."
Kade shook her head. "Yes, but there's only one openly lesbian federal judge in the whole country, and there's never been an openly gay district attorney in Oregon."
It seemed Kade had done some research too, and her arguments were as sound as ever. "Yet," Del simply said.
"What?" Kade's smooth brow furrowed.
"There's never been a gay or lesbian district attorney in Oregon yet," Del said. "Someone needs to be the first. Why not you?" she asked with a smile.
After a second, Kade's tense expression relaxed into an answering smile. "Thanks for the vote of confidence."
Del nodded. She could sense that the topic was closed for now. Kade needed time, and she was willing to give it to her. "I think we need to reheat the food," she said.
"No, it should still be fine. Besides, cold Chinese food is one of the main food groups of us lawyers," Kade said with a straight face.
Del grinned and handed Kade the bowls. "And here I thought you were high maintenance." She jumped when Kade reached out and pinched her ass
. "Hey!"
"Just for that little comment, you're opening your best bottle of wine," Kade decided.
"Oh, I am?" Del put up token resistance. Secretly, she loved being teasingly ordered around by Kade.
Kade nodded gravely. "I'll be in the living room, awaiting my glass of wine." With that, she strode from the room.
Del watched her go. Grinning, she reached for the corkscrew.
* * *
Kade leaned back against the soft cushions on Del's couch. She was glad she had decided to come here instead of heading home after her hectic day at work. At home, only her mother's increasingly upset calls, thoughts of the stalker who might lurk outside her apartment, and more work waited for her. Here, with Del, she could relax and forget about everything else for a while. She slipped out of her high-heeled pumps and listened to the sounds coming from the kitchen.