Thief of Mind

by Ben Thomas

  4

  Before we knew it, we were back at Julie’s flat, giggling and running up the stairs giddy with excitement and anticipation, or at least I was. I mean, while it had been a long time since I was in this position, I doubted the same could be said for Julie. Don’t get me wrong, she was a classy and respectable lady, but working alongside her for the past seven years you got to hear about her boyfriends and, though they all turn out to be total jerks in the end, I had witnessed enough of Julie’s glow while recounting the early days of most of her relationships to know I had a lot to live up to. Julie on the other hand had no worries about living up to anything with me as she had a grand total of zero to compare to. T-bone, the thirty-three year-old virgin. I’m not proud of this fact and I certainly don’t go broadcasting this information. It’s not that I’m saving myself, I’m not that old-fashioned. I believe that I could have had opportunities to remedy this situation if I had been allowed, but he has always put up obstacles.

  I pondered my lack of sexual history as Julie led me into her bedroom and instructed me to ‘make myself comfortable,’ as she went into her bathroom. I studied her room and weighed up whether making myself comfortable meant on the cosy chair in the corner or on the king size bed. If it was the bed, did I take the safe option and sit politely or did I recline, porn star style. Knowing I had no idea what reclining like a porn star entailed, I tentatively perched on the edge of the bed and as I did, the cogs started to turn in my head. What started as simple contemplation quickly transformed into frantic fretting as to whether or not I would know what to do. Of course I’d know what to do. I’d seen enough movies like, erm, Top Gun and ahem, Pretty Woman to have a reasonable idea of what happens. I just didn’t know whether I could do it with panache and style à la Tom Cruise or Richard Gere.

  I picked up one of the many teddies that guarded Julie’s bed, I didn’t know why; maybe I thought it could give me a pep talk.

  This is important, Toby. This is your first time, you can’t go back and do this again. It has to be perfect, don’t let Julie down. She’ll know you’re a virgin, she’ll tell everyone you are and then what will happen?

  Two things happened when I heard his voice; one, at his prompting, my giddiness migrated and in its place anxiety took up residence, and secondly, I realised that I hadn’t noticed him while I had been pre-occupied with Julie. It had been a good thirty minutes since we left the pub together and started getting to know each other better and in that time it had been just me and Julie, he wasn’t around. Why was that? Where had he been? Was it simply that because I was drunk, he was too? Maybe he understood my attraction to Julie and was gallantly stepping aside to allow me free rein. My analysis of his disappearance had to wait as I turned my full attention to his warnings. He was making sense, what if I did mess this up? The embarrassment would be unforgiving.

  Yes, it will be humiliating. You need to make sure the words aren’t in this room. You mustn’t think them or hear them or read them, you can’t go back. Don’t think them.

  My chest was tightening up like a vice around my heart, my heart was pounding in protest.

  Bless, bless, bless.

  I got off the bed, turned the light on to full beam and went over to Julie’s bookshelf and started reading all the titles of the books to make sure the outlawed words weren’t there. There were a lot of books. I skimmed them all. I scanned left to right, top to bottom.

  Bless, bless, bless.

  I got down on my knees to check the bottom shelf when:

  “What you doing down there? Praying?” Julie was standing at the bathroom door watching me. No, I wasn’t praying, but she didn’t know how close to the truth she was. “And the light was dimmed for intimacy purposes, but hey if you want the light on it’s good with me…I’m comfortable with my body,” she said as she dropped the dressing gown she had changed into and stood before me in the sexiest bra and knickers you could imagine. I think I actually gasped when she did this. “Now get back on that bed you. This could be our last night together as work mates so let’s make it a night to remember”

  Don’t think of any words as you get on the bed.

  I was trying desperately to fight him off. I was fighting harder than I’d ever fought but the inevitable crashed into my mind.

  DEATH, DEMONS, DIE, DIE, DIE.

  I tried to counter:

  Blessed blessings bless me, blessed blessings bless me.

  Julie, completely unaware of the battle being waged before her, seductively came back to the bed after putting on music; a new danger. I started to sweat.

  “One second,” I said as I rolled away from Julie’s approach and got off the bed. I had to cancel out the words. I went over to the light switch. “You were right, it is more intimate with the light off.”

  The bemusement was obvious on Julie’s face. “You’ve not got body confidence issues have you, Toby?”

  “No, like you said, let’s make it intimate.” I switched the light off and then back on and then back off. “Sorry. Right, where were we?” I said with a weak attempt at nonchalance.

  I had to get this right. I got back onto the bed, chanting blessed blessings bless me, blessed blessings bless me like a frenzied monk at prayer time. This time I was sure I had blocked out any evil at the precise time I got into bed...I was sure. Julie and I started kissing again. I wondered whether this outburst of anxiety would affect my physical ability to perform, but as it turned out, there were no concerns on that front. Physically it was all systems go. My only concern on that score was that blast off might occur before the countdown had finished. Mentally, it was a different matter as I continued the loop of blessed blessings bless me in my mind.

  Julie’s hands were exploring me, giving me an intoxicating feeling of desire that leaked through the mental tumult. Her smell, her touch, her taste…I wanted this, I wanted her. I reciprocated her movements automatically and naturally. My hands went to her breasts and then moved to the bra straps. I put both my hands behind her back and went to unclip the bra.

  Devil, Death, Demons

  A fresh attack on my mind. The moment was tainted. I needed to cancel the words. I dextrously managed, I don’t know how, to refasten the bra. I managed to make this appear like a drunken or probably more realistically, an inexperienced fumble.

  I needed this to be perfect. I couldn’t take any risks. I started mouthing blessed blessing bless me, witnessed only by the darkness as I made another attempt.

  Death, Death, Death

  The evil was entwining us. I reattempted the process of undoing the bra, less skilfully this time. Julie gently pushed me away. “We’ll both be redundant by the time you get this off.” She simply removed the bra and the scene before me got my mind beautifully refocused on the task at hand.

  I’d like to leave the rest of what happened to your imagination and say that what happened is what should happen next, like it does in the movies, and like it’s meant to in real life. The scene was set, I was with the woman I had fancied since the day we met, we were in her room, on her bed, with music gently playing out of the speakers; almost perfect. Julie pulled me in close to her, she moved her lips to my neck and then my ear as she breathlessly said, “Oh Toby, I’ve been dying to do this with you.”

  I froze.

  SHE SAID IT. SHE SAID IT. You can’t undo it.

  I didn’t need telling. The implications were clear. I tried to resist the urge but I couldn’t. “Erm, just give me a second,” I said as I rolled out from under Julie and got out of the bed. I instinctively utilised one of my safety acts as I performed what I had always judged to be a close to imperceptible little jump. If I jumped with both feet in the air and managed to have my safety words as the first words in my mind when I landed, this might just neutralise Julie’s mistake. I jumped; I landed:

  Demons, demons, demons.

  I jumped; I landed.

  Dem
ons, demons, demons.

  I jumped; I landed.

  Death, death, die.

  The cocktail of anxiety and drunkenness had conspired to make me for a moment forget myself and my company, just for a moment but a moment too long. Even though the light was off, my eyes had adjusted well enough to see Julie sitting up straight on the bed, silhouetted by the moonlight that had crept in through a gap in the curtains, with her covers pulled nervously over her chest, looking at me like she wanted the ground to swallow me up.

  “Aaghh!” I screamed, short and sharp. This wasn’t me having a complete breakdown; this was me in recovery mode. “Ouch ow!” I said again, jumping a couple more times and doing exaggerated stretches. “Oooh, cramp…sorry Julie, I got cramp. Fucking hell, that was sore.” I rubbed the supposedly offending calf muscle. “That’s better. Sorry, it just came on.”

  “What, and bouncing up and down like that is a well-known cure for cramp?” Julie frowned. “Are you okay, Toby? Cramp or no cramp…” she hesitated. “You’re acting kind of weird.”

  “It’s okay, I’m good. Sorry, I didn’t mean to freak you out,” I said to a clearly freaked-out Julie. “I’m okay now.”

  You’re not okay.

  You are okay, Toby. You want this.

  I truly did want this. I wanted it more than ever.

  You can’t. It’s tainted. Do it now and bad things will happen. Horror will happen. Evil will happen.

  I tried forcing myself to ignore him as I approached Julie again, trying to cling to the last vestiges of sexual allure that may have existed in her assessment of me, but it was not passion that was gripping my heart, it was terror…and it was squeezing tighter and tighter. We started kissing again.

  You need to cancel out the words, you need to jump again, you need to make it right.

  It’s okay Toby, you can do this, it’s okay.

  It wasn’t though, because I immediately sensed that the passion Julie had been feeling was galloping away. My heart was racing but it was running a different race to the one it thought it had entered.

  Stop before more damage happens. You have to stop. STOP.

  I had to ignore him. He wasn’t real. This was bullshit.

  Come on, Toby, you can do this. Stay strong, Toby. Stay strong. Blessed blessings bless me. Come on, Toby.

  I started caressing Julie’s legs.

  DEMONS, DEATH, DEMONS, DEATH

  Come on Toby, be rational.

  Two bitter rivals were trying to outscore each other in my mind. My head was a cacophony of silent turmoil.

  You are damned. You are DAMNED!

  Must fight him.

  Come on Toby, blessed blessings bless me.

  I moved my lips to Julie’s neck and stroked her back.

  You are damned. Julie is damned.

  Come on, Toby, blessed blessings bless me. Come on, Toby, you can do this, “Blessed blessings bless me. Come on, Toby, come…”

  I felt a firm push on my chest and looked to see Julie backing away, the palm of her hand on my sternum the only part of her still in contact with me. “I think you’d better go, Toby,” she slowly yet certainly declared as horror, real horror cloaked itself around me as I realised that the encouragement I had been self-administering in my head had manifested itself into real words. Words whispered into Julie’s ear. “I think this was a mistake,” Julie said as she hurriedly reached for a t-shirt by the side of the bed and put it on.

  “Julie, I’m so sorry. I don’t know what…” I trailed off. I didn’t know what, but it had happened as he knew it would. He had warned me. I should have known better. I had allowed this to happen.

  “I don’t know what’s going on with you Toby, but I think maybe you need help.” Julie had by now walked over to the bathroom and retrieved her dressing gown and was standing at a safe distance from me with her arms folded.

  I did need help. Please help me, I wanted to say, but how could she understand? I didn’t understand myself. How could I tell her I couldn’t control my own mind? Julie was staring at me. Her eyes were no longer fiery with passion, they were soft with…compassion? Perhaps, but it should be relief that she had avoided sleeping with a mad man. The horror in my head was still taunting me, but its strength had been diluted by embarrassment and shame.

  “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” I started mumbling over and over as I got off the bed and shamefully started putting my clothes back on. The shame was compounded, as in my efforts to make a hasty retreat I somehow managed to trip up over my shoelaces, something I didn’t think ever actually happened in real life. Well it does happen to losers like me. I stumbled and lost my balance and fell right into the door, hitting my head on the handle. I was momentarily stricken on her bedroom floor, the epitome of a pathetic man with one hand rubbing my head, my shirt unbuttoned and on inside out and my shoes with the laces trailing menacingly, ready to assault me again.

  “Toby, are you okay?” Julie had rushed over and knelt down beside me.

  “I’m sorry,” I whispered as I scrambled to my feet and walked out of the bedroom door. I couldn’t bring myself to look back at Julie as I was sure her look of compassion would, at best, now be a look of pity. I walked down the hallway to her front door.

  “Wait, Toby…don’t go. Let’s talk about it.”

  I paused with my hand at the handle. I did desperately want to talk about it. I willed myself to turn around. “I…I…” What do you say? “I…I’ve…”

  Do you want to be labelled a psycho? She’s already called you weird. You’ll be a laughing stock, a freak. That’s what will happen if you talk about me. I’m not even real. Freak, that’s what they’ll say. It will happen.

  He was right to warn me. I should have listened before. Still not able to look her in the eye, I apologised one last time and ejected myself before I could cause any more harm.

  5

  My mind was a bustling metropolis of activity as I sat slumped in the cab which was rescuing me from further embarrassment and taking me home. Home would be no refuge though. The thoughts and feelings buzzed into my head like an angry swarm of wasps, each with its unique sting:

  Why did I do it? Why am I so freaking mental? Why does he attack me? Why do things go wrong for me? Why can’t he leave me alone? Julie’s going to tell everyone at work what a weirdo I am, I can’t go back into work now, they’ll all know that I’m a mentalist. Who would want to talk to me, who would want to be friends with the mad man? It would be all over social media. I needed to check Julie’s Facebook. My sister was on Facebook, she could check for me. Shit, she doesn’t even know Julie. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

  I started tapping my chest. The panic, that has laid a never-ending siege on me, was firing its big guns now.

  What if Julie thinks I rejected her? What if she thinks I will be bad mouthing her?

  She’ll want revenge.

  What harm will she want to do to me? To get even with me. I’d better ring her to see what she’s thinking. No, I can’t do that. I know what she’s thinking. She’s thinking I’m a freak. She won’t want to talk to me, fuck, fuck, fuck, FUUUCCKKKK!

  “Are you getting out or what?” The voice of the taxi driver heralded a temporary ceasefire. I hadn’t even noticed we’d arrived. As I approached my front door I glanced at my watch. 00:07. Had I heard any of the forbidden words since midnight?

  Blessed blessings bless me.

  I mustn’t hear the forbidden words. Everything’s reset at midnight. We start again at midnight. As long as I thought, read, heard the good words first I’d be okay. I’d heard forbidden words at Julie’s, but was that before or after midnight?

  After midnight. You’ve heard it. You’ve thought it. You’re damned.

  I put my keys in the lock as I chanted under my breath. I unlocked the door.

  Demons are here.

  I locked the door. I c
hanted louder. I unlocked the door. He chanted louder. I locked the door. He chanted louder.

  Ten attempts later, I shoved myself over the threshold into my house.

  Death is here.

  He dragged me back outside. I had to cancel out the words. There was too much evil here. I had to get this right. In and out, in and out. Seventeen, eighteen, nineteen times. The only saving grace was that no one would be around at this time of night to witness the madness.

  But what if they’ve seen? They have seen the weird freak that lives on their street. They’re talking about you now.

  His warning propelled me into my house and I bolted the door behind me. The local paper had been delivered during the day and was lying on my doormat. It was a trap. Somewhere inside that paper would be the danger words. It was bad enough that I had thought the words, the day was ruined, tainted already, to read the words though would only make things worse. I couldn’t risk reading them. I had to get the situation back under control. I desperately threw my jacket onto the paper to prevent me from falling into the trap.

  My house was a sanctuary of order; it was the place I felt safest from the outside world. Everything had its place. It was a small two-bedroom Victorian terrace which in the years since I’d owned it, I had managed to sanitise of any harmful words and images. Obviously I couldn’t eradicate them all but I was fairly confident that I knew where they lay, in hibernation so to speak, and I knew not to disturb those sleeping animals. It was the external threats that I had no control over, and that’s why I rarely had visitors around and why I rarely watched television or listened to the radio, and if I did, I’d first put the TV on mute to limit the chances of an attack before I could make a judgement of whether the programme was likely to contain a threat. So I could, to a small extent, police the threats in my home, but I could never fully silence him. He could have quiet periods, but you could always feel his breath on your neck, and though sometimes it was loosened somewhat you could always feel him grasping for your heart and your soul. A grasp he would tighten at any moment and at this moment he was ransacking my mind and squeezing the hope out of my heart and soul. I just wanted to put the night behind me and go to sleep, hoping my dreams would be kind to me.