Thief of Mind

by Ben Thomas

  “Well he started it,” came back Jess with a mock childish voice and thankfully this cut through the tension bringing emergency laughter and relief to the table.

  I actually got on really well with my sister, but she was my little sister; occasionally we had a little squabble. To be fair, this one stemmed from one of her great qualities – she always stuck up for the underdog, and she’s always been a fighter, ever since the difficulties of her birth when she was in intensive care for four weeks. She was determined and always looking to prove to herself and to others what can be achieved. She put me to shame. She lived life to the full and was so outgoing. That’s why to me, Jez appeared to be an atypical choice for her to have as a boyfriend. He seemed shy and reserved and hesitant and, like I said, a bit of a geek. He looked like a librarian.

  “So where did you two meet?” enquired Mum.

  “At Uni, in the library. Jez volunteers there.” Dad and I coughed up a sprout and carrot respectively as laughter tickled each of our gag reflexes. “Are you two okay? Do you need some water?” There was that glare again.

  “If you boys continue to choke on my cooking it’ll be a good job we have a doctor here.”

  “And if we want to borrow a good book it’s lucky we have a librarian here too.” I was glad Dad said this and not me.

  “Please accept my apologies for my childish Dad. I did warn you about him, but I am sure he and my brother will also reveal the good parts of their characters that I mentioned, at some point.”

  Dad took Jess’s rebuke in his stride. “I am sorry, Jez, and you’re very welcome here. My daughter’s quite right, I can be childish.”

  “It’s okay, Mr Brammall, I’m used to it. I think a lot of people find my appearance interesting or amusing, and that’s okay; a lot of us have interesting mannerisms.”

  Did Jez just glance at me then? He did, I’m sure of it. It was subtle, but he definitely directed his eyes at me as he said that. I bristled and felt compelled to challenge him. I was in my family home where I felt most comfortable so I was relatively calm and he had been quiet, but Jez was a new dynamic which was toying with the status quo and I couldn’t help but feel that he was furtively observing me. For the sake of family harmony and to avoid acting like a complete petulant bell-end I let my paranoia and irritation drift away.

  “Why do you keep checking your watch?” demanded Mum. The rest of us had long finished our meals by now but Mum was still fastidiously dissecting her food.

  “I’m not.” I instinctively put up my defences.

  “Not you, Toby. Him.” I was so used to being challenged over why I was checking something but Mum was pointing at Dad.

  “Oh no reason, love. It’s just I know how Toby would love to watch the rugby and it’s on in a minute. So if he promises to do the dishes afterwards then can we be excused from the table and put it on please, my beautiful wife.”

  “Mum’s still eating.” It was Dad and my turn to glower at Jess.

  “It’s okay, Jess. What your Dad is saying is that it’s Toby who wants to watch the rugby and not him, so he’s happy to stay at the table with you and our guest…” Mum smiled at Jez. “…and finish the pudding which I am sure he is aware that I have been slaving over all morning.”

  “Good point, love, but Toby’s a guest too and it would be rude not to keep him company and, just thinking outside the box here, but perhaps we could have your award-winning lemon meringue in the living room.”

  “Michael, Toby is not a guest. Jez is our guest.”

  “Erm, actually, erm, if it was possible I would like to watch the rugby too. That’s, erm, if it was possible and nobody minded,” Jez said, not knowing whether to look at Mum or Dad but definitely choosing not to look at Jess.

  “Would you?” chorused Mum and Dad.

  “Erm, yes.”

  “Jez, Mum’s still eating.” Jess was not a rugby fan. Jez looked down at his plate.

  “I didn’t have you down as a rugby fan, Jez.” Dad leant back in his chair and made no attempt at being discrete as he appraised Jez.

  “Yes, I love all sports, but rugby is my main sport; it’s the one I used to play.”

  “Did you?” This time it was me duetting with Dad.

  “You’re not the only rugby superstar, Toby. But whereas you only got to the trials stage, Jez actually played for the England Under Nineteens team. He could have been playing for the first team now if he hadn’t got ill,” Jess said with palpable pride.

  “Didn’t have the runs did you, like Toby did, eh Jez? That’s what curtailed his career.”

  “Shut up, Dad, you idiot,” I snapped but Dad just laughed.

  “I erm, actually saw you play, Toby. You played against my old school in the National Schools’ Shield final. I was only about nine at the time but my dad took me because my big brother was playing. You won the game for your team. You were our team’s nemesis but everyone knew you were special. Believe it or not, it was actually after watching that match that I decided I wanted to play fly half just like you.”

  “That was a classic match. Toby was on fire that day, weren’t you, lad?” said Dad, wrapping an arm around my shoulder and shaking it.

  “Such a proud day.” Mum beamed at me from across the table. It was a proud day for them but for me it was one of the most difficult days of my life. There was so much pressure on me to do well for the team. He was not as accomplished back then as he is now but he had still put so many conditions in place in the hours before the game. Conditions that I had to meet to allow any chance of success for the team. I didn’t like this attention on me and I was intrigued by Jez’s rugby claims so I redirected the focus of the conversation onto him.

  “So what happened to you then, Jez? How come you’re sat here with us rather than running out at Twickenham?” I gave him a chance to assuage my cynicism.

  “Well I erm, can’t really play since I got ill. I mean I’m recovered now but look at me, I don’t have the build I once did, and I can’t run like I used to.” I remembered noticing Jez had a slight limp when he walked in.

  “Sounds a bit more than the runs, Jez.”

  “Michael!” Mum issued a firm reprimand, but Dad was actually looking sincere.

  “So what were you ill with?” I continued to press Jez.

  “Toby, maybe Jez doesn’t want to talk about it,” said Jess.

  “I, erm, don’t mind. I was diagnosed with testicular cancer when I was twenty. I’m fully recovered now, but I lost a lot of my muscle mass, which I’ve not been able to regain so far, and I have lost full mobility of my left leg, hence the limp.”

  “That’s a tough break, Jez.” Dad was definitely being sincere now.

  “So could you really have played for England?” I asked, feeling guilty now about my disbelief.

  Jez blew up his cheeks and exhaled. “I, erm, guess we’ll never know now, but there’s no point looking back. I love my life now and I’m glad about what happened to me. I don’t want to sound clichéd, but what I went through has genuinely given me an appreciation for life. I want to enjoy it all and also my illness gave me a real interest and insight into the medical profession. The doctors and nurses who looked after me were amazing and that’s why I’m training to be a doctor. I really feel that through my work I can make a positive difference to people’s lives, just like the doctors and nurses who treated me did for me. If I was a rugby professional I might have been able to give fleeting moments of joy and inspiration to people, but being a doctor I can make a real difference.” The whole table sat transfixed on Jez. “What about you Toby? Jess tells me you don’t play any more…how come?”

  How did I respond to that? I wished I was still playing, but unlike Jez I didn’t have a real reason not to play. I couldn’t really tell him what the reason was, so typically I hid behind vagueness and half-truth. “I just drifted away from the game after I missed m
y England trials. I’m too old now and too fat.”

  “You’re not too old, Toby.” I appreciated Jez’s polite response.

  “And you can lose weight,” said Jess breezily.

  “What do you mean lose weight? I don’t really think I’m fat.”

  “No I don’t either, but the fancy dress shop phoned earlier to ask for their fat suit back.” Jess high fived Dad as she said this.

  “You cheeky little…Mum, can you have a word please?”

  “Come on you two, be nice. Go on then, boys. Go and watch your rugby. The washing-up will be waiting for you when the game’s finished.”

  8

  It’s fair to say that both Dad and I started to warm to Jez during the rugby. It’s amazing how your perception of a person changes so quickly when you have something in common. That shared interest and passion for rugby meant Dad and I were now seeing Jez in a completely different light. He was still a geek, but one who, by all accounts, knew his rugby; and following a discreet search on the internet on my phone, it turned out that he was a top Under Nineteen England player. There were pictures of him in his playing days which were unrecognisable to the man who sat with us now. He was no longer muscular and athletic as he was then, but he appeared happy and content. My sister would say that was what going out with her did for you. Be that as it may, Jez, for all his awkwardness and diffidence, was a man who you could tell was also self-assured and yet humble. Yes, I was definitely warming to him, but I kept catching him looking at me, giving me a look of curiosity as if he were studying me.

  Mum and Jess came into the living room, bearing evidence that they were the best mum and sister in the world, with the presentation of Mum’s lemon meringue…and the evidence was made overwhelming with the announcement that they had done the dishes. Dad gave me a wink to suggest that he was fairly confident that this was going to happen all along.

  “So how are you enjoying your studies, Jez,” Mum asked, as she squeezed in between me and Dad on the sofa.

  “Great, thanks. It’s challenging but I am enjoying it.”

  “Are you going to specialise in any area,” asked Dad in between mouthfuls of pudding.

  “Erm, well obviously oncology is of major interest to me so that is the most likely route if I was to specialise. There are so many interesting areas though. We’ve just finished a module on mental health. It’s an area that quite rightly is growing in importance. So many people are affected by mental health issues like depression, anxiety, OCD, phobias…yet most people suffer in silence.” Did Jez look at me just a moment too long then…or was I being paranoid? Ha.

  “Call me politically incorrect but if you ask me, Jez, depression and anxiety and all that are just excuses people make for bone idleness and failure. These conditions didn’t exist in our day, did they, love?” Dad nodded towards Mum who just looked embarrassed at his views. “Nothing wrong with these people most of the time. I mean, they say, ‘Ooh, I can’t go to work this morning because I’m too depressed.’ Well, what a load of nonsense. They can’t go to work because they can’t be arsed. You know what I mean, don’t you, Toby?” I just shrugged my shoulders. The truth was I didn’t completely disagree with Dad, but didn’t think it was polite to say so in front of Jez.

  “Dad, you are such a narrow-minded Neanderthal. It’s because of bigoted opinions like yours that people find it so hard to speak out and get help.” Maybe I was paranoid, but I was sure that time Jess gave me a pointed look at the end of the rebuke.

  “Sorry, Jess, if you think I’m being controversial, but all these people who need to talk about their problems,” Dad made an inverted commas gesture, “give me a break. What they need is a good talking to. They need to be told to man up and get on with things. Shit happens, get on with it. You’ve got to roll with the punches. I mean, look at you, Jez, after all you’ve been through you don’t look depressed to me.”

  “Well, erm, that’s the thing with mental health. You can’t tell just by looking at someone if they’re struggling. It’s a hidden illness. You can’t physically see it like you would a broken arm, but there are signs if you look for them, and it can be so debilitating. It is real, it isn’t just made up. People need to know it’s normal and that they can get help.” Why was Jez looking at me? Was he saying that I had mental health issues? How would he know? Why would he suggest it?

  “Hey, what’s your big news Jess? You can guess what Mum thinks.” Another successful deflection.

  “Oh yes, I or should I say we, have some very exciting news to tell you. Now I know Jez and I have only been together for the past few months, but we have known each other for longer, and this was all unexpected, and when I first told Jez he didn’t back away from his moral duties, and he promised to stand by me and support me, which I knew he would.” I glanced at Mum to witness the colour draining from her face as she shuffled in her seat and tried to retain her fixed smile. “I didn’t know how to tell you before, but now it’s only a couple of months away, and by the way, I know you two will make awesome grandparents. And so to the news, and by the way, we will need your support. Are you ready? Jez and I…” She took Jez’s hand in hers and with her other hand started to rub her belly in a maternal fashion. “…are going to be…climbing Mount Kilimanjaro for charity.” Jess gave a ‘ta dah!’ look. I glanced at Mum, who sat there opened-mouth, eyes bulging with her fingers fanned out on her chest. Dad had a tentative smile on his face and kept looking between Mum and Jess. Jess was looking pleased with herself. “Well, what do you think?”

  “So…so…are you pregnant or not?” Confusion was imposing itself on Mum. I must admit that Jess had me going for a moment. It was classic Jess; she was her father’s daughter. She knew what Mum would have been thinking and decided to play up to it and wind her up just like she and Dad always did. Mum loved it really, but she was so protective of her family and that priority prevented her being able to work out when she was being wound up or not.

  “What, you think I look pregnant? So, are you saying I look fat, Mother?” Jess offered up a mock look of shock.

  “Come on, Jess, stop winding your mum up. You know that’s my job,” said Dad.

  “No, Mum, I am not pregnant, but it looks like I could rely on your support if I was…not!”

  “Well Jez is lovely, but you’ve only just met and you’re so young, you don’t want to be starting a family yet. There are so many things for you to do and see; there’s a big wide world to explore, so many exciting places.” Mum was relaxed and back to having a natural smile.

  “What, you mean like Kilimanjaro? The mountain we’re climbing, for charity. Fairly sure I mentioned it; not sure you all heard it, with all the pregnancy stuff.”

  “I think that’s great, Jess. What charity are you doing it for?” Jess was on the verge of sulking so I thought it was time to focus on her real exciting news.

  “Thanks, Toby. We’re doing it for the hospital where Jez was treated.”

  “Will it be safe, dear? It’s such a long way away and you’ve not been away on your own before.” Mum was finding it hard to read Jess’s mood and to show that she was excited for her.

  Jess was clearly frustrated. She sat back in her chair, folded her arms and legs and let out a big sigh. “Mum, make up your mind. A second ago you were saying how there was a big wide world out there and I should explore it. Can’t you for once stop worrying and be pleased for me? This is a great opportunity. We’re raising money for a great cause. That’s good, isn’t it? And of course it’s safe. It’s an organised event and I won’t be on my own; there will be others with us, and obviously Jez will be with me.”

  “But you’ve only just met him,” said Mum. I was willing her to let it drop; I could see Jez squirming.

  “Mum, chill out. She hasn’t only just met Jez, and I don’t think anyone needs to look after Jess anyway. This is brilliant what she’s doing, I’d love to be brave enough to
do it. I’m really excited for her and I know you’re proud of her.” I looked supplicantly at Mum.

  “Here, here, put me and your mum down for £200,” Dad said as he put his arm around Mum.

  “£200? Wow, Dad, thanks.”

  “Well I agree it’s great what you’re both doing. Mind you, you’ve got to complete it. I’ve heard it’s a pretty steep hill. It will be an uphill struggle.” Everyone groaned at Dad.

  “Well I’m not having Mum and Dad be one up on me so I’ll match their offer,” I proudly asserted.

  “That’s very generous of you Toby,” said Jez.

  Jess narrowed her eyes and gave me a penetrating stare. “Are you sure you can afford that, Toby? It is very generous.”

  “Like you said, it’s for a great cause, and as Dad said, it won’t be easy.” The truth was I could afford it. Years of very rarely going out and never going on holiday had meant that even on my modest wage I was able to save a reasonably healthy sum of money and I was also really impressed by what Jess was doing. She loved challenges, sought them out even. Jez seemed like a good guy despite the odd looks he seemed to have dished out to me.

  “Mum? What do you think?” Jess appeared to have tears forming in her eyes.

  “Oh love, you know how much I worry about you and Toby, but I promise you my worry is smaller than the immense pride I have in you. I can’t believe I’ve brought up such a brave, resilient, loving girl.” Now Mum had tears in her eyes; in fact I think we all might have been welling up as Mum got up out of her chair and went over to Jess. “Come here my love.” Jess stood up and fell into Mum’s arms. “I love you so much, Jess, and I am so, so proud of you. Now come on, let’s hear all about this adventure.”

  *

  The rest of the afternoon was taken up by Jess and Jez, well mainly Jess, regaling us with details of their expedition. I don’t know if Jess appreciated how tough it would be; like Dad said, it’s a pretty steep hill. As Mum said though, Jess was resilient and when she set her mind to something she tended to achieve it. Along with Mum and Dad, I listened to Jess with pride bubbling inside of me. It was a nice feeling. I felt relaxed as she explained why she was doing it, how much they both hoped to raise and how they thought the money would help. She and Jez looked really happy together too. He appeared to be a calming influence that would complement Jess’s ‘act first, ask questions later’ approach to life, an approach which I envied. I often found myself wondering why I couldn’t be more like Jess. But I knew that wasn’t possible, because he wouldn’t allow it.