by Ben Thomas
“I feel so good. I reckon I could climb Mount Kilimanjaro.”
Julie smiled. “Getting competitive with your little sister, eh? When does she go?”
“She’s not going…I am.”
“What?”
“Yeah, I’m going. Jess pulled out. I guess being pregnant is a pretty good excuse.”
“Pregnant! Wow!”
Julie was quiet for a moment before saying, “I think that’s great, Toby. It will be an amazing experience. I’d love to do something like that.”
“That’s good, because you’re coming with me.”
Julie stopped me in my tracks, a look of incredulity contrasting with my attempt at nonchalance. “What did you just say?”
“I figured you’d miss me too much, so I thought you should come with me. You’ve just passed the fitness test, so you can do it.”
“Are you crazy?”
“Hopefully not anymore.”
“You know what I mean, silly. I can’t just pop off to Kilimanjaro, what, next week? I’ve got work…I’ve not prepared.”
“You must be able to get one week off. I mean, you are pretty powerful at work now. As far as the preparation goes, Jess and her boyfriend have done it all for us. There’s a meeting we have to go to in a few days with the expedition leaders, some stuff we have to read, you need to go to the doctors to have your jabs, and you might want to get some hiking kit…but to be fair, Jess’s stuff will fit you.”
Julie laughed. “You’re being serious, aren’t you?”
“Definitely. It will be amazing, really give us a chance to do something hardcore for charity, a real challenge. And it’s meant to be spectacular. I don’t want to look back and regret not taking this opportunity.”
I could sense Julie getting entangled in my excitement. “How much does it cost?”
“It’s all been paid for. It’s for charity.” I didn’t feel the need to tell Julie that it was my charity that would pay for her place on the expedition. To be honest I don’t know if it can be classed as charity, as I was obviously doing it for selfish reasons.
An excited grin erupted on her face. “I’m not saying yes at this stage, but I’m certainly not saying no. Let me think about it for a bit…I’m owed some holiday.”
“I’ll take that as a yes.”
“You’ll take that as a maybe! Come on, race you back to the car.”
As I set off in pursuit I allowed myself to reflect that life felt good.
32
On the way to the hospital in the taxi I found I wasn’t alone.
You’ve caused this, he – it, OCD, whatever – kept saying, with the subtext that it served me right for thinking I could live without him. During that taxi ride I started to believe it. I tried to harness my mind, to use my coping strategies. I tried to relax but the noise was too loud and I felt this was too serious to risk without complying with his demands. The words death, dead, dying, die, Devil and demons flooded my mind and for the first time in weeks I found myself muttering under my breath, ‘Blessed blessings bless me.’ He had succeeded in tracking me down.
As soon as I had got the distraught phone call from the hospital, I had booked a taxi and was on my way. I hadn’t been able to get hold of Mum and Dad. If I had, maybe we could have gone there together and their presence would have kept me calm. I chastised myself. How pathetic that I had convinced myself I was better! I was weak and needed Mummy and Daddy to protect me.
You’ve caused this, death will happen.
‘Blessed blessings bless me.’
Death, Die, Demons.
‘Bless, bless, bless.’
You’ve caused his heart attack. He is going to die.
I rushed through the hospital corridors, the whiteness of the walls contrasting with the darkness of my mind. Helen was sat in the A&E waiting area, ashen-faced. I paused when I saw her. The waiting room was packed. There were people clutching various body parts, a few groans could be heard, a man was berating the lady on the reception desk, and nurses marched in and out with serious expressions. The room smelled of danger; the room tasted of death. The attacks were increasing in intensity and familiarity. I wanted to go out and come back in again – I needed to neutralise the situation – but that method hadn’t worked out too well the last time I had seen Helen. I approached tentatively.
“Helen.”
She looked up and stared as if she had seen a ghost.
“Toby, it’s all my fault. I caused it,” she started sobbing deeply. I looked around me somewhat self-consciously. What was I to do? How was I meant to comfort her? This was probably a common sight in A&E, but nevertheless people were still staring as I stood gormlessly over Helen. I sat down, fumbling for the right words to say. Nothing would come out. I lifted my right arm in contemplation of putting it around her, but I just let it hover, unsure whether it was what she would want. Then she just naturally leant into me, burying her head in my chest. My arm went round her shoulder and I let her rest there for a while. The intensity of her tears made me assume the worst.
“It’s my fault,” she eventually gasped.
“Don’t say that. Of course it’s not.”
“It is. We were arguing when it happened. I kept going on and on at him. Calling him terrible things. He just wasn’t listening. And then he started rubbing his chest and making this noise. What a bitch I am! I thought that noise was him growling at me…I even bollocked him for having the temerity to growl at me like an animal. I mean, who actually growls at someone when they’re having an argument? He just stared at me, then started clutching one of his arms. He looked like he was in agony. And then…then he collapsed.”
“What has the doctor said?”
“They haven’t told me anything yet. Oh Toby, I can’t believe I did this. I’m a horrible person.”
Why was she beating herself up like this? How could she blame herself?
I took hold of her hands. “Helen, look at me.” She lifted her head. Her makeup was smudged and her eyes red. She looked the epitome of heartbreak. “It’s not your fault. You must never ever think that. This is important. Do not blame yourself. Nothing that you have said or done has caused this to happen to Kev. These things just happen; there’s nothing you or I can do about that now. We just have to be there for him.”
“If he recovers.”
“He will.” He must.
Bless, bless, bless.
We were waiting for about two hours, but it felt like days. We sat mainly in silence, leaving each other alone with our thoughts and – dare I say it – our demons. Every so often, doctors would come out and speak with people who were waiting for news. It felt surreal being privy to people’s deepest emotions as they received encouragement or consolation. How would their lives be affected by events taking place in this department tonight? A couple of times I got up and took my turn in the impatient queue at the reception desk to try and find out what was happening to my friend.
At around 9.40 pm I nudged Helen as I saw a female doctor approach us with a blank face, offering no clue as to what she was about to tell us. We collectively braced ourselves in anticipation of what she might say. Then the doctor’s face warmed into a smile, and the release was beautiful as she explained that Kev was okay and that we could go and see him. Helen got up and started walking off with the doctor. She turned around.
“Are you coming?”
“I think it’s best you see him first. I’ll wait here.” I was pretty sure Kev wouldn’t want to see me. I was probably the last person he’d want to see.
About twenty minutes later Helen reappeared, this time with what I was certain was a genuine smile. Relief danced in my heart.
“He wants to see you, Toby.”
“Are you sure?”
“Why do you think I rang you?” I hadn’t stopped to consider this, though it was a good questi
on. Recent history had taught me that I was neither Helen nor Kev’s favourite person. “He asked for you in the ambulance. He wasn’t very lucid at the time, but he was insistent I call you.”
“Oh…okay.” I got up. “Are you not coming?”
“No, I’m going to get a coffee. I think you two should have some lads’ time. You want me to grab you a coffee?”
“Yeah, thanks. Same as last time, please.”
“And Toby…I’m sorry. I’ve been a bit of a bitch. I know I’ve given you a hard time and I’m sorry.”
“You’ve nothing to apologise for. It’s me who should be apologising. You taught me some home truths. I needed it.”
Helen nodded and left me to see Kev.
While I had been waiting for Helen I had been preparing myself in case I got to see Kev. I had imagined a half-conscious Kev with wires coming out of his body, all beeping machines and drips, doctors and nurses in a state of urgency. A powerful man brought low. A thought that did not bring me any pleasure.
I opened the door…
*
It was not the chaotic scene I had imagined. Yes, there were a few wires and a beeping machine, but the room was quiet and calm, the only inhabitant being Kev. I hovered at the door. Kev had his eyes closed and I wasn’t sure whether he was sleeping. But then he slowly opened his eyes, as if sensing my presence. He stared at me, his face inscrutable, before proffering me a weary smile.
“Toby…glad you could make it.”
“Well, I had nothing better to do.” I smiled back and then switched to a more sombre tone. “Bloody hell, Kev. A heart attack?”
“Just a little tickler. Nothing too serious. Probably indigestion.” Kev maintained his smile.
“It’s usually serious when they rush you to hospital.”
“Yeah, yeah, I know.”
“How’re you feeling?”
“Okay, I suppose. Bit uncomfortable. But I don’t know how you’re meant to feel after a heart attack. Never had one before.” I simply nodded, not knowing what to say – not knowing what direction Kev wanted this conversation to go. “The doctor said I was lucky…this time. I was scared my number might’ve been up. You’ll probably cringe at how clichéd this sounds, but it’s a bit of a wakeup call.”
“It is a bit of a cliché.”
Kev laughed weakly. “Shame I needed such a loud alarm. Helen, for a while now – and then more recently you – she’s been trying to wake me up, make me come to my senses. If you’re having a heart attack aged thirty-three, something’s afoot. I know Mum wouldn’t have wanted me to leave the party so early…and she definitely wouldn’t have wanted me to leave without making up with you. So I’d better start putting things right.”
“How do you mean?” I sat down in the chair next to Kev’s bed.
“Well, if I’m being honest, I’ve been a bit of an arse…to you…well, to everyone really…and especially Helen. How she’s put up with me, I really don’t know. But somehow she has.”
“I guess people would put up with a lot from a man with an Aston Martin and a massive…wallet.”
“Thanks for that! But I hope Helen sees a bit more in me than that. Anyway, just so you know, I never hated you… though it might have been something close to it at times.” I felt myself flush at this. Kev picked up on it. “Can you blame me? You disappeared when I needed you…” I looked down at my feet. “Look, Toby, I’m not trying to make you feel bad or anything. I’m just being honest.”
“Kev, I’m sorry. I know I let you down.”
“Forget it. I’ve already accepted your apology. Guess I could have mentioned that earlier…Anyway, you were right. It is time we talked, sorted this out. Like I said, I’m not trying to make you feel bad… I just need to get things off my chest. I have blamed you for some things. With Dad leaving when I was a kid, Mum passing away, then things with you, it just seemed that everyone I was close to abandoned me. And yeah, you know what? I admit it…I felt bitter. I felt let down. I told myself that I couldn’t and mustn’t rely on anyone in the future. I thought, fuck ’em. Fuck ’em all. I was going to show everyone that I didn’t need any of you. I was going to be a success in my own right by my own efforts. So I refused to let anyone get close to me and I focused all my energy and emotion on work. Anger fuelled me.” Kev closed his eyes and tensed up.
“Kev, are you okay? Shall I get someone?”
He exhaled. “No, no, I’m good, thanks. Just a little sore. Anyway, where has my anger got me?”
“A penthouse flat, a couple of million in the bank.”
“It was meant to be a rhetorical question. And for the record, it’s more than a couple of million, thank you.”
“Alright, Billy Big Balls.” We laughed together. It’d been a while. I sensed hope rising.
“Where has it got me, though? Money doesn’t stop you ending up in a hospital bed. Money hasn’t allowed me to let people into my life. To be fair, I do think you distancing yourself from me was a large part of me withdrawing into myself. I’ve been so determined that no one would ever again get close enough to hurt me. That’s why I’ve kept pushing Helen away, even though in my heart I didn’t want to, and even though I could see I was hurting her.”
“You should tell her.”
“I have…sort of…I will.”
We sat in silence for a moment. I didn’t want to clumsily witter anything that would cause Kev to close up. Kev broke the silence. “I don’t know if I’m depressed as certain people have suggested. Maybe I am. I can’t honestly say I’ve been happy. Successful people aren’t meant to get stressed or depressed though, are they?” I wasn’t sure if this was another of his rhetorical questions. Kev sighed. “Maybe I have been in denial. I’m ashamed to admit it now, but it’s always been my view that people with mental health concerns were weak or exaggerating. Maybe that’s why I was so dismissive of your problems. Can’t say I understand what you’ve been going through, but I’ve done a bit of research on it and I do now get that it’s a problem. I think it’s my turn to apologise. I gave up on you too easily. We all get sucked into our own bubble and miss what’s going on with others. Mum loved you, and I know her passing would have hurt you too. She would have wanted me to support you.”
Kev tried to move position and winced again.
“Right, I’m going to get the nurse.”
“No, don’t. I’m fine, honestly. Anyway, they’re letting me go home tomorrow.” I waited, sensing Kev had more to say. “Guess I’ve got some big changes to make when I leave here. Relaunch my life. Kev 2.0. Got any tips? You seem to have had a pretty successful comeback.”
“Well, I’m not sure really. Only what I’ve found has helped me.” He looked at me, willing me to continue. “Well for me, it’s been about fearing the worst all the time. I would be so scared of things going wrong that I kept trying to control life, trying to prevent harm. It’s taken till now to realise that the only thing I can control in life are my own actions. Everything else is out of my control. But instead of life being a conspiracy against me, there are a lot of good people around, a lot of good times to be had. I just had to be brave enough to give life and people a chance.”
“Hmm.” Kev looked like he was contemplating what I’d said. I pressed on.
“But you know, it was only when I accepted I needed help, and realised I could actually get help, that things started to improve. And now?” I shook my head somewhat ruefully. “Well, I feel I’ve been missing out on so much…and you know what? I want to make up for it. I’m a nobody, Kev. I’ve done nothing meaningful with my life, because I’ve not allowed myself to. But I look at you – well, maybe not at this precise moment in time…” he smiled, appreciating the irony, “…I look at you, and in spite of all the terrible things you’ve had to go through, you’ve achieved so much. You have so much success. So much going for you. I can’t help but feel a bit jealous. Really,
I can’t. And your foundation. Your foundation provides so much support to so many. It’s a great, great thing. So, what can I say? Only that if you think there’s a chance you have issues with stress, depression or whatever, it’s not a sign of weakness to admit it. It’s not something to be ashamed of. It just means you’re normal.”
Kev had closed his eyes. I thought he’d fallen asleep and my little speech – which I’d felt a bit proud of – had gone to waste. But then he opened his eyes. “I know,” he said. “I know.”
“I’ve found a really good lady who’s good to talk to about these things, if you like. I could put you in contact with her?” Kev’s silence stretched a moment too long and I was thinking I might have blown it…
“You’ve got yourself a lady then?”
I grinned. “I was talking about the psychologist I see.”
“Right. Well, maybe I could see her. All the high-flying American executives have got psychologists or therapists or both. So, have you got a lady?”
“Erm, hopefully. Let’s just say for now that I’m working on it.”
“Good man. Well, when it is worked out, the two of you will have to come out with me and Helen.” I didn’t feel the need to mention that Julie and Helen had already met.
Kev’s eyes were fighting to stay open. “Thanks for coming tonight, Toby. It’s good to have you back.” He reached out to take my hand and I reciprocated.
“It’s good to be back. And just to confirm, we are mates again, aren’t we?”
“Yes, mate. We are. Doctor’s and mother’s orders.”
33
It was no surprise that Kev was back at work the day after he was allowed to leave hospital. We had exchanged a few WhatsApp messages, which reassured me that it wasn’t a confused state of mind that had made him agree to our reconciliation. He had also asked me for Susannah’s contact details, which I was very happy to send him, and we agreed to meet up with the rest of the lads next Friday, two days before I left for Kilimanjaro. Or would have left for Kilimanjaro, because now I wasn’t going. I mean, how could I? I had just revived my friendship with Kev and promised myself I wouldn’t let him down again. He had reached out to me and asked for my help and I wanted to, and needed to, give it.