by Ben Thomas
“You’re an idiot,” confirmed Bobby as he aimlessly threw his darts at the board. It was the first time I had been in Bobby’s office, and I shouldn’t have been surprised that he had a dart board in it, along with a table football table. We had given up scoring once Bobby got engrossed in my recounting of the past few days’ events.
“I mean it’s awesome you’ve made up with Kev, about time most would say, but it’s even awesomer – that’s a real word, don’t look it up – that you are going up a mountain with Julie!”
“She hasn’t even said yes yet. I never thought I’d say this, but I sort of hope she’ll say no. It would save me the job of letting her down.” I was very keen on the coward’s way out.
“You have to go. Kev won’t mind. He’ll be well chuffed for you. Doesn’t he own your old firm anyway?”
“Don’t see how that matters.” I took the darts off Bobby for my turn.
“Of course it matters. It means she can get the time off.”
“Bob, Kev won’t get involved with those decisions. He has more on his plate than playing table football and managing the staff holiday roster.”
“Don’t knock the table football. The staff love my office. I’m thinking about getting a pinball machine. Speak to Kev. Explain it to him. He’ll understand. Besides, it’s only a week, isn’t it?”
I handed Bobby the darts back.
“It’s not just that. I’ve been thinking I don’t know if it’s such a good idea to go away with Julie. When I got the phone call from Helen saying Kev was going to hospital, the OCD got really bad again.”
“YEEESSSS!” Bobby started doing a little dance, which seemed odd. “Treble twenty. The Bob, the Bob, the Bob is on fire.”
“Thanks for taking this seriously, Bobby.”
“Hey, treble twenty, T! That is serious. Your OCD, you’ve proved you can handle that. Flipping heck, if you didn’t get a touch anxious hearing your oldest mate had had a heart attack, when would you? If I’d had a call saying you’d been rushed to hospital, I think I’d go a little OCD for you.”
“Thanks, Bobby. I’m touched. What if it went really bad while I’m away? Julie would be stranded on a mountain with a maniac.”
“She already knows you’re a maniac. You’re making excuses. You’ve been going on so much about living your life, so you know this is something you need to do. You can do it, you know you can. I liked the old model T but I love the new improved version.”
“I know what you’re saying, but there’s too much to lose. I’ll phone Julie tonight and tell her.”
“Whoa, hold on. Don’t tell her yet. Wait to find out if she can go or not. No point telling her if she can’t go anyway. When will she let you know?”
“She said she’d asked her boss, but because it was short notice she’s had to be referred upstairs. I’m seeing her tomorrow. She’ll have to let me know by then or it’ll be too late anyway.”
“Let’s just see how this plays out. In the meantime, you can have a three-goal head start on the table football.”
34
As I sat on a couch in the corner of the coffee shop I observed the staff and the customers going about their business. I wondered what was happening in their lives, what was happening in their minds. Their whole universe was happening right in front of me in the space between their ears and I was oblivious to their truth. What were they all thinking about? What were they feeling? What were they fearing? Were they happy, anxious, excited, scared? I was all of those things as I waited for Julie. I was actually early for once, surely a sign that my recovery still had traction. I had gone back to basics with my CBT and I was managing today. The anxiety and fear that sat with me were the same versions that most people in the coffee shop would have been familiar with. I was fretting about what I might have to tell Julie when she arrived. I was annoyed with myself for being swayed into waiting to tell her I couldn’t go. What was I to do if she could go? What a bastard I would be if I said I couldn’t go. She might respect me for supporting Kev, but she quite rightly would have expected me to tell her as soon as I knew. I couldn’t help feeling that nervous excitement at seeing Julie again though, and part of me desperately hoped a miracle would happen and we could still go.
In she walked and the butterflies started slam-dunking basketballs in my stomach. She had come straight from work and she looked amazing. She spotted me and smiled as she made her way over. I tried to read what her news would be from that expression but it was indecipherable. I had been fortunate to receive many smiles recently and thankfully she still looked happy to see me.
I stood up and for some reason thought shaking her hand would be appropriate. The nerves were making me act like a tool.
“Nice and formal, Toby,” said Julie as we shook hands. “Obviously you’re keen to know if we have a deal.”
“Erm, I’ve ordered you a skinny latte. They’re going to bring it over.” I tried to forestall hearing the answer but it was only prolonging the agony. Why was I such a coward? I should have told her already. I thought my new philosophy was meant to be about being brave. I inhaled deeply. “Julie, there’s something I need to tell you. I should have told you earlier.”
Julie folded her arms and looked at me with an unreadable expression.
“The thing is, I erm…”
“One skinny latte and one cappuccino.” The waiter placed our drinks on the table.
“Oh yes, lovely. Thank you,” said Julie. “Maybe we should be drinking champagne instead, Toby.” Julie opened up her handbag and brought out a magazine that I recognised as her company monthly newsletter. She handed it to me. “Hot off the press, with a stunning cover star, might I add.”
On the front was Julie, being handed one of those giant cheques that lottery winners get, with a donation of £20,000 from the company to the Royal Alexandra Hospital which the expedition was in aid of. Being handed it by Kev. I quickly read the accompanying article. It told all about Julie’s expedition to climb Mount Kilimanjaro for charity. There were quotes from Kev: ‘Julie extols the spirit of adventure, courage and goodwill that we champion. It is a brilliant cause that Julie is doing the expedition for. I am also delighted that joining her on the expedition is an old friend of our company and one of my great personal friends, Toby Brammall. Toby is an inspiration to me and I am proud of our association. We wish Julie and Toby well; they are great ambassadors for our company.’
I was stunned.
“How amazing is that?” Julie’s eyes were sparkling. “I’ve got the time off and a whopping donation, and I am clearly in the good books of the big boss. It didn’t look like I’d be able to get the time off – in fact my boss, you know Jenkins, said that his boss Isobel Miller said it was a no this morning. I was dreading telling you, but then your mate, the big, big boss, turns up this afternoon with the novelty cheque and starts going on about how amazing you are and how it’s vital that Mitchell & Harvey supports charity and so he had sanctioned it. He told me to wait till the newsletter got printed, which was about ten minutes ago, before telling you, and told me to tell you to read this first before I let you say anything. He said you’d understand. Toby, I’m so excited!” Julie stifled a scream but allowed herself a little celebratory shuffle in her seat while I re-read the article.
“Wow, this is amazing.”
“Oh sorry, in all the excitement I didn’t let you finish what you were going to say.”
“What? Oh yeah, it was nothing. I was just worried that we wouldn’t be able to go. I was hoping for a miracle, and it turns out we got one.”
35
“So let’s all raise our glasses to our intrepid adventurers and Mitchell & Harvey ambassadors, Julie and Toby.” Everyone shouted and cheered. Kev continued, “And I think, as we’re all here, we should raise a glass to friendship.”
“Friendship,” we all shouted.
Everyone was here: Bobby, D
arren, Pete, Lou and Dave, Ryan, Al and Helen. Jess and Jez too, along with some of Julie’s friends and colleagues, including Steve and Amber. I had also invited Rory, who was enjoying a glass of water and catching up with his old staff. It was what had become the usual Friday night razz, but it had an extra celebratory feel due to our impending expedition and the fact that everyone was here and everyone wanted to be here.
Julie was busy chatting with Helen. I’m no expert on body language, but from where I was standing it looked like they had put their false start behind them. I noticed Bobby and Kev laughing together and walked over to them.
“I guess I need to say thank you, Kev, for swinging it for Julie. It’s amazing, isn’t it, Bobby, that he intervened like that at the last minute.”
Bobby feigned innocence. “I might have coincidentally and conveniently bumped into Kev at his, erm, office…and your trip may have cropped up in the usual course of conversation.”
“Toby, I can’t believe you were going to pass up such a great opportunity. I really wouldn’t have minded you going. I’ve managed without you, well sort of, for a short while now, I can surely cope for another week. Besides, how can I pass up such good publicity for the company?” We all laughed.
“Anyway, how are you? Shouldn’t you be off work?” I asked.
“Don’t worry, I’ve been back in so soon to work out how I can reduce my workload. I’m doing some rejigging in some of my businesses. The upshot is there are some new jobs being created, and I think you’d be ideal to fill one of them.”
I looked at Bobby. “I don’t know, Bob. First he fires me and now he hires me, a man just doesn’t know where he stands these days.”
“Hey, you weren’t fired. And I told you I didn’t even know it was happening at the time. This role is different, a real step up, managing a big department.”
“Thanks, Kev, but I think I want to do something different. I don’t know exactly what yet, but I think I might even enrol at university. I might even look at playing darts and table football for a living like Bob.”
Bobby made his best attempt at looking appalled. “Excuse me, I run a highly successful recruitment business. Just ask one of my loyal clients. Tell him, Kev.”
“I’ve actually had a couple of exciting new recruitment firms knock on my door recently. Got to keep your options open and keep existing suppliers on their toes, Bob,” said Kev, trying to keep a straight face.
“Oh look, there’s Natasha. Gotta jet.”
As Bobby departed, Kev leaned in to me.
“Just so you know, I really am looking to make some positive changes. I’m not going to have another heart attack. I’ve made an appointment with Susannah Jordon for next week, so we’ll see how it goes. Be even better when I fill these new roles.”
I had an idea. “On that point, there’s some one here I’d like to introduce you to.”
*
I managed to drag Julie away from Helen and we sat down at a table with Jess and Jez. Jez looked a bit out of his comfort zone, but I was glad he had made the effort.
“Thanks, guys, for this amazing opportunity,” Julie said, “I know you must be gutted to miss out but hopefully we’ll do you proud.”
“Oh, don’t worry about it, Julie. I guess we have other priorities now.” Jess rubbed her belly which bizarrely, in the space of the week since she announced it, had expanded…or more likely, it was just proof of how unobservant I was. “Besides, if you weren’t on board we wouldn’t have had that super donation from your firm.”
I smiled at Jess. “Thanks for coming, both of you, and also thank you for everything. I am so chuffed I’m going to be an uncle.”
“And we’re chuffed that our new one is going to have you as their uncle. You should be very proud of yourself,” said Jez.
“What for?”
“You know what for,” he replied.
“Thanks, Jez.”
Out of the corner of my eye I saw Rory looking around. I excused myself and went over to him.
“Oh Toby. Yes, there you are. Just wanted to say goodbye.”
“Oh, you’re off, are you?”
“Yes, got to get back to the family.”
“I’m really glad you could make it tonight, Rory. It means a lot.”
“Oh, it’s been great catching up. Hey, you’ll never believe it. Your mate has pretty much offered me a job. I’ve got to go through an interview, but he says it’s just a formality as they already know my CV, obviously, and I have a couple of – in his words – glowing references. Unbelievable, eh? First he fires me and now he wants to hire me.”
“That’s great, Rory.”
“So how are things with, well, you know what?” Rory lowered his voice to a whisper and discreetly looked about him.
“It’s all good, Rory. My issues are well documented now among everyone here. In answer to your question, I’m doing really great. Heaven knows where I’d be if I hadn’t seen you that day. I didn’t really believe in miracles before, but I’ve had a couple recently and I think that day with you falls into that category. Thanks, Rory.”
“My pleasure. Hey, look after Julie on that mountain.”
“Ha ha, you know she’ll be the one looking after me.”
*
I retook my seat at the table. Kev and Helen and Natasha and Bobby had by now sat down, and as usual Bobby, backed up by Natasha, was holding court. I looked around the table and saw that I was with my best friends. I also noticed that what I used to refer to as he was behaving. I was fully aware that the OCD was still present in my life, and possibly always would be in one form or another, but I had learnt to understand it and master it. I had taken back control of my own mind. Still, I had to remain vigilant and brave. I knew there would be times when my OCD would attack hard. I guess climbing a mountain was apt. Every day I would need to climb a mountain in my mind. Some days those mountains would be small, some days steep. I had proved that I could conquer the biggest mountain, and though I might have to climb it again and again, I knew I could do it. Kilimanjaro would be a piece of cake in comparison.
I felt happy. People say that easily, but once you’ve known how unhappy it’s possible to be, it feels richer. Worth more.
I was even happier when I felt Julie slip her hand into mine. She leant into me and whispered in my ear, “I’m so excited.”
“Me too,” I replied. “Me too.”
Acknowledgements
Thank you for taking the time to read this book. It is hugely appreciated and I hope you enjoyed it.
As Toby says OCD effects so many people in so many different ways and I am aware that there are many people who suffer more than Toby.
I believe many mental illnesses are hugely misunderstood and OCD in particular is often trivialised. Hopefully Thief of Mind has helped shine a light on what it can be like to live with OCD and maybe it might have offered hope to some who have the condition and given understanding to those who don’t.
Whether you have experienced mental health issues or not, everybody needs love and support. You don’t always know what people are going through on the inside and sometimes someone who appears to be the most confident and happy person can be struggling, so please remember to ask people how they are and be ready, prepared and willing to listen to the answer. Sometimes knowing that you are being heard can make all the difference to a person.
The following people read early versions of the book: Rowan Evans, Mark Simpson, Kat Emery and Camplbell Guy. Thank you to each of you for giving me your valuable opinions.
Thank you to Jefferson Franklin for editing the first draft of the book and for giving an unbiased critique and offering such great guidance. Thank you also to Daniel Goldsmith Associates for their critique and advice.
I was privileged to be able to speak with Kathryn Hughes, bestselling author of ‘The Letter’. Kathryn gave me fantastic a
dvice and I am extremely grateful to her.
Family is an important theme in the book and like Toby, I am blessed to have the most brilliant family.
To my sister Emma, my brothers, Curtis and Jamie, my Mum, Sandra and my Dad Malcolm; thank you for reading first drafts of the book and for your amazing support and encouragement.
Thank you to Joel Curtis so much for your book cover design and for your insight and input when reading the final draft.
Holly thank you for your constant love, patience and support. You are always there for me. You are truly my rock.
Samuel, Zachary and Charlie thankyou for being so amazing and bringing so much joy to my life.