Live Each Day

by Jim McCarthy

  Later Mary would have that quote prominently posted to the frame of her bedroom door.

  Seeing Mary and Ted was deeply disturbing and moving, but it filled me with optimism, as well. I told Stacy that I’m not used to having friends my age die. But as we proceed through life, this will happen more and more. Add to that list parents, siblings, and possibly even children. This is the hard part of life — which is nonetheless part of life. All we can do is love others as best we can with the time we have and leave memories and a legacy that will be a positive influence on others.

  Mary said that in the future, she would still be here, she just wouldn’t “have skin.” Stacy noted that she always feels like her mom is watching over her, like a guardian angel. I must admit I have never gone through my life with that sort of awareness. But I always carry with me the ideas, stories, experiences, and love that I’ve received from others. We all channel the lessons and legacy of many family and friends, living and deceased.

  After my wife and I said goodbye to Mary and Ted that day, we grabbed lunch at a tiny Mexican restaurant in Granada Hills. We ordered fish tacos, ceviche, chips, and guacamole. I asked for extra spicy salsa, even though it makes my eyes water.

  I savored the delicious food, but was also deep in thought, absorbing the conversation we had just finished with our friends. I was oblivious to the other patrons in the restaurant. My eyes were welling up with tears.

  “This food is perfect for crying,” I said to Stacy.

  She and I drove north on Highway 5 in my convertible. We crossed the mountains, then navigated California’s scorching Central Valley, passing orchards and farmland, and finally returned home to foggy, windy San Francisco.

  Behind the wheel of my car, I ruminated on despair and hope, sorrow and joy. This trip through the California landscape felt like we had traversed vast stretches of our emotions and humanity.

  It was good to be alive.

  Think Long Term So You Have No Regrets

  Writing Activity 11:

  What work would you do if you had to do it full time for the next 30 years?

  Can you start doing it now?

  If you are like I was in my late 20s, you might assume that you can just try out a job in a particular company, industry, or career — and if it doesn’t work out, sooner or later you can try something else. And if that doesn’t work out, then you can switch again. And then again. (Some countries accept this workplace behavior much more than others. For example, in my experience, job-hopping is far more tolerated in Silicon Valley than it is in Germany.)

  I understand that you can be desperate to get any job, if bills are piling up and you need to support yourself and your family. But for many of us, we’re too willing to accept work that is not a good fit for us, rather than being honest, authentic, and courageous enough to pursue a career that would be truly meaningful.

  That’s where this question comes in. If you had to start a new job first thing Monday morning, and you knew that you’d have to do that job, full time, for the next 30 years, you’d be crazy to pick work you didn’t love, right? Only an insane person would say, “Sure, this work isn’t good for me. It’s boring. I’m not learning anything useful. There is no challenge. I don’t like the company or the corporate culture, or the mission of the organization. I dislike my colleagues. The commute is horrible, I have terrible work/life balance, and they don’t pay me enough. But I’ll keep doing this until the middle of this century …”

  Instead, if you had to pick a role that you’d have to do full time for the next 30 years, you’d be darned sure that you’d find it fascinating, meaningful, and challenging. Yes, it would need to pay you enough so you could live the life you wanted to lead. You’d ask all your friends and family, seek out the best experts and mentors, do research, and be very creative, asking, “What would it take to do this?”

  Take this writing activity and share it with a loved one. What would they answer? Why? What does that say about their hopes and goals? How hard would it be to do this yourself? Send me an email at jim@jimmccarthy.com. I’d love to hear what you came up with.

  You should be taking this approach to your work anyway, whether you do it for another 30 years — or 30 months.

  The next activity offers one way to uncover the path to such rewarding work.

  Writing Activity 12:

  What gift do you have that puts you in the 99th percentile?

  This is a question from my friend, Anil Sethi, who has founded many very successful tech start-ups in his career. (His last start-up was acquired by Apple.) His point is that, if you think very broadly and creatively, you can identify the special skills, talents, or expertise that makes you unique. Often, but not always, your uniqueness can translate into a lucrative and rewarding career.

  If you asked five people who know you extremely well, “What special skills or superpowers do I possess?” you’d probably get a quick consensus on something that you take for granted about yourself. You’d probably say to yourself, “Well, I thought everybody can do this,” when in fact only you can do it. Maybe you’re amazing at gardening. Or you can spend endless hours doing financial analysis. Or you have great intuition for how smartphone apps should work. Or you’re beautifully persuasive and eloquent. If you notice, respect, and honor your superpowers, then you can set yourself up for success in areas that already seem effortless to you. That’s a source of competitive advantage.

  Earlier in my career, I felt like I had to be constantly challenged by taking on roles and tasks that did not come easily for me — just so I could learn and expand my “toolkit,” as we say in MBA parlance. Although I’m glad to have had very diverse work experiences, over time I’ve come to understand that most people are predisposed to do certain tasks best — and the sooner they end up doing those tasks, the happier and more successful they’ll become.

  Do what only you can do. For example, I combined my bohemian hippie love of travel and learning languages with an MBA from Stanford, which helped me work on international product rollouts for Yahoo and NexTag, leading Silicon Valley companies at the time. I have a very good friend who got a business degree at a top East Coast school, then graduated from the Culinary Institute of America, one of the best such institutions in the world. Today, he’s the CEO of a major restaurant chain in the U.S. No surprise there — who would be better qualified than someone with a strong business background and a serious culinary degree?

  You might be a gifted artist who also excels in writing software. Or you have a degree in design and also know a lot about psychology. Any one of these skills can put you in the 90th percentile, which is good. But once you start overlapping them with other skills, you get into the 99th percentile — which is much better.

  Don’t live a life filled with regrets. Irv Grousbeck is a highly successful businessman and co-owner of the Boston Celtics. He has taught a legendary entrepreneurship class for decades at Stanford’s Graduate School of Business. He’s spoken to thousands of people who’ve founded start-ups — and no doubt more who wanted to found companies but never did.

  Regarding those who never did, Professor Grousbeck notes that by the time these people reach age 45 or 50, “those regrets are palpable.” They live with despair for never having even tried. The Stanford professor warns that “the saddest phrase of middle age is ‘I wish I had.’”36

  In contrast, Grousbeck cites others, who at age 30 or 35 attempt to start companies. Some succeed. Some do OK. And some fail. But even the ones who fail are glad that they tried, and they carry that satisfaction with them for the rest of their lives. Grousbeck’s observation: “Regret for what you have done can be tempered by time. Regret for what you have not done is inconsolable.”37

  A recent study confirms this. Research by Victoria Medvec, at Northwestern University’s Kellogg School, found that the more time that passes after an event, the more a person regrets what they di
d not do, rather than what they did do. In an interview with KelloggInsight, Professor Neal J. Roese explains the fascinating dichotomy between what we know has happened, and what we imagine could have happened: “Lost opportunities linger in our memory longer … there are so many ways in which you can see different things you could have done.”38

  In related but distinct research, a team of Dutch scientists found that participants overestimated how bad failure would feel, writing, “forecasters predicted to experience more guilt and shame than experiencers actually experienced.”39

  What are you waiting for? Even if you screw up your next big endeavor, you’ll be glad that you tried. It’s the things you did not try that will haunt you. What would you do if you knew you could not fail? What would you try if you had only five years to live?

  There are only three Post-It notes on the monitor at my desk. One of them says, “Try and fail, but don’t fail to try.”

  PART TWO

  What Is "Happiness"?

  Chapter Four:

  Happiness Framework

  Are You “Happy”? How Happy Are You?

  You have probably noticed that you’re reading a “Surprisingly Simple Guide to Happiness.” I put the word “happiness” in the subtitle, because it’s a broadly used and understood word. Just like “health,” “freedom,” or “justice,” pretty much all of us want “happiness” — although your mom, sister, and accountant might have a very different understanding of what the term means to them.

  Like a doctor who takes your pulse at the start of a medical examination, I’d like to see just how happy you are, right now.

  Writing Activity 13:

  On a scale of 1 to 10, with “1” equaling “deeply depressed” and “10” equaling “euphoric or extremely joyful,” how would you rate yourself at this very moment?

  How would you rate yourself for the past week?

  The past month?

  The past year?

  The past decade?

  Is it hard to come up with a number? If this number changes over time, what is the trend? Are you “getting happier” or “getting less happy”?

  Do you even trust your own memory? Do you think you’re being nostalgic, and rating your past level of happiness higher than it truly was at the time?

  Or is it a matter of time healing all wounds, so that the events that seemed very painful in the past don’t seem so bad from today’s perspective? Have you completely forgotten about that huge challenge or crisis that used to be the main source of your daily suffering, back in 2013, 2002, or 1979? What, if anything, was giving you insomnia last March?

  Lots of questions here. Did you notice that I did not even bother to define “happiness” in the first place, other than with the synonyms “euphoric or extremely joyful”? I wanted to see how easy it was for you to answer the question, without giving any definition.

  Next, make sure to check in with someone who knows you well — your spouse, children, parents, siblings, work colleagues, or friends. Just ask them: “Hey, I’m doing a little survey … on a scale of one to 10, how happy do you think I am?”

  Then, close your mouth, cover it with your hand, and listen carefully to their response. Just listen and nod. Don’t try to refute their answer or explain why they might be “wrong” about you.

  Eventually, feel free to give definitions or ask clarifying questions. Share how you would rate yourself. And then you can turn around and ask them, “Would you like to know how I would rate your happiness?”

  Have fun with this exercise! I just asked my wife this question for the first time, and we ended up having a very insightful 20-minute conversation — touching on some of the most important aspects of our lives.

  What Would Make You Happier?

  Writing Activity 14:

  Regardless of how happy you rated yourself in the previous Writing Activity, what would make you happier going forward?

  Take as much time as you want to answer this question. What would have to happen?

  What would you have to do, learn, be, or become in order to get happier?

  What would you need to add to your life?

  What would you need to subtract from your life?

  What would you need to keep in your life?

  You might want to start with absolutely nothing, then add the essential elements that would bring you happiness. Or you might start with your current life, and then subtract, one by one, whatever is not making you happy, until you can simplify no further.

  You can focus on material things, such as having a new car.

  You can focus on experiences, such as doing that once-in-a-lifetime trip you’ve always desired.

  You can focus on the sort of work you would love to do — assuming you’re not doing it already.

  You can focus on relationships — at home, at work, or in your community.

  You can focus on your health.

  It’s not always easy to answer these questions. But they’re fundamental for you to understand what would make you happy.

  After all, if you don’t know what you want to have, how can you get it?

  If you don’t know how you want to be, how can you be it?

  Next, as in the previous Writing Activity, check in with a friend or family member and run this question by them. If their answer is “win the lottery,” then you can gently refer them to the section called “Limits of What Money Can Do for You.”

  A Framework for “Happy”

  The word “happiness” gets thrown around a lot. But what does it really mean? Here is one way to think about happiness:

  Day 1:

  Imagine you’re on vacation at a beautiful tropical resort with someone you deeply love. You get a great night’s sleep. You have an excellent workout to start the day. After you shower, you have a delicious, healthy breakfast. Next, you do your favorite activity or hobby, be it golf, tennis, swimming, surfing, cycling, shopping, wine tasting, sightseeing, reading, or visiting a museum. After a fabulous lunch, you go to the spa, relax, and get an incredible massage. Back at your room, you have a restful siesta, then dress up and go out for the evening with your loved one. You have an unforgettable meal, listen to live music, then return to your beautiful room for a night of romance and passion. You fall asleep in each other’s arms.

  Do you think this sort of day would make you happy? (This may not be your sort of ideal day, but it’s mine!)

  Now, let’s compare Day 1 to Day 2.

  Day 2:

  At the start of Day 2, you are at home. Your alarm clock goes off early. You went to bed late the night before and you are feeling sleep deprived, yet again. You quickly drink a cup of coffee, then commute the long distance to your work at a senior care facility. It’s a nonprofit organization, and you do not earn a lot of money, although you do see the direct impact that your work is having on the elderly residents.

  At the end of your day, you pick up your two kids at daycare, go grocery shopping and cook dinner for them, help them with their homework, and get them to bed. After that, you answer an email from your mom, text your friend who’s sad because of a recent breakup, and then you go to sleep. (No romance for you, because you’re a single parent and have no time for dating.)

  Now, do you think Day 2 would make you happy? Why? Why not?

  Is this a trick question?

  In essence, Day 1 is about pleasure. Day 2 is about purpose. Both are extremely different, but very important for creating your own happiness.

  This framework is a synthesis of my own thinking, experiences, and research, as well as insights from the 2013 Stanford University Roundtable, “Are You Happy Now?”1

  The event was hosted by the American journalist and TV host Katie Couric. She interviewed Sonja Lyubomirsky, who is a professor of psychology and director of the Positive Psychology Lab at the Uni
versity of California, Riverside.

  In addition, Couric spoke with the following professors, all from Stanford:

  •Jennifer Aaker, marketing professor at the Graduate School of Business;

  •Firdaus Dhabhar, associate professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences;

  •Ian H. Gotlib, chair of the Department of Psychology;

  •David Kelley, who led the creation of the innovative Design School.

  Let’s review the framework in detail.

  Pleasure is about receiving, such as receiving a foot rub.

  Purpose is about giving, such as providing attention and care to the people in the senior care facility.

  Pleasure is about physical comfort and fun, such as eating great food, dancing, or playing volleyball.

  Purpose is about psychological comfort and meaning, such as teaching your kids to read or have good manners.

  Pleasure is about getting what you want and need.

  Purpose is about expressing and defining yourself.2

  Pleasure is about loving and taking care of yourself, such as getting enough sleep and not working too hard.

  Purpose is about loving and taking care of people who need you, which can include any family, friends, or community. It may require significant sacrifice and not be “fun.”