Live Each Day

by Jim McCarthy

  What about purpose? Bourdain was an incredibly gifted storyteller, who was able to use food as an excuse to probe the humanity of so many people on his episodes. His curiosity, gusto, and empathy showed through, and all of us viewers benefitted from his explorations and explanations. Bourdain’s work had a huge positive impact on others.

  Unfortunately, my fear is that he ultimately lost sight of how he was touching our lives. I saw an interview with him in which he worried that “Parts Unknown” ruined the tiny restaurants he meant to highlight, created jealousy with the neighbors of the farmers he featured, or even caused a riot in Haiti when his production crew tried to feed hungry children.17

  Maybe, in the end, Bourdain felt like he was having no positive impact at all. Or that he had seen so much “good” and “bad” in the world, that he became jaded and apathetic.

  But the bottom line is that depression and mental illness are not logical. If people were perfectly logical, they would not want to kill themselves in the first place. So whether you have enough pleasure, or enough purpose, or both — none of this will register in your mind if you’re truly depressed.

  I come from a family with our fair share of suicides. Most people I talk with can say the same. I was struck by the comment from Talinda Bennington, the widow of Linkin Park singer Chester Bennington, who died by suicide. She told CNN, “I have not spoken to a single suicide survivor that says they wish they would have succeeded.”18

  A person who is depressed needs expert mental health treatment, just as a person who’s broken their leg needs expert physical health treatment. If you feel despair or depression, you can be proud that you have the courage to reach out for help.

  In the United States, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255

  Their website: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

  In the U.K. and Ireland, it’s 116 123

  Website: https://www.samaritans.org/

  In Canada, it’s 1-833-456-4566

  Website: https://thelifelinecanada.ca/

  In Australia, it’s 13 11 14

  Website: https://www.lifeline.org.au/

  Chapter Five:

  The McCarthy Happiness Matrix

  I hope you find my Happiness Framework useful. If you find the right balance of pleasure and purpose, you will have better chances of being happy, more of the time.

  And you might have already noticed that pleasure and purpose are not always mutually exclusive. So like all good MBAs, I figured that it might be more nuanced and insightful to think about pleasure and purpose in a 2x2 matrix. Voilà, the McCarthy Happiness Matrix!

  Once I created this matrix, I started searching for examples, to see if the framework still made sense. I think it does — but you need to be the judge of that! Let’s look more closely …

  Think about the huge range of activities you do or have done. Where would they fit into any of these quadrants?

  Below is an example of a wide range of pursuits that quickly came to mind for me. I then tried to see where I would put them in the matrix.

  Please know that what I’ve written here is extremely subjective. My answers will be very different from yours. Whatever you write can easily change over the course of your life.

  Low Pleasure and Low Purpose

  Let’s get the worst stuff out of the way first!

  Doing meaningless work for a boss you hate would be in this quadrant. You might feel numb, indifferent, detached, or apathetic. Sex with someone you don’t love could be pleasurable, but lacking in purpose (precisely because you don’t love them).

  Doing household chores might not be much fun, but if you do so because you’re trying to make life easier for your beloved mom, then that would add a lot more purpose to your tasks.

  Doing a job just for the paycheck is more pleasurable if you don’t despise your manager, and being able to pay the bills can be a very relevant source of purpose, too.

  Initially, I put “Being in prison” in the bottom left corner, because I thought being incarcerated would lack both pleasure and purpose. But then a friend pointed out that a truly guilty criminal might find purpose in paying their “debt to society” and look forward to living a better life once freed. Or, you can imagine a person who was wrongly imprisoned due to a miscarriage of justice. For example, Nelson Mandela spent 27 years in South African jails as a result of his leadership in fighting the apartheid regime. His captivity was difficult, but he knew that it was part of a greater, noble struggle. He was ultimately freed and went on to lead the new South Africa.1

  If you find yourself doing a lot of things with low pleasure and low purpose, then I encourage you to figure out a way to stop doing them. Quit the job you hate and work hard to find a better one. If you can’t leave the job, then accept this fact, and assign meaning to the work by acknowledging that you need to do it to pay your bills. (We discussed this earlier in the section, “Screw Your ‘Job’ — Define Your ‘Calling’” in Chapter Three.)

  What if you don’t have a job in the first place? Being unemployed can definitely land you in the “Low Pleasure, Low Purpose” quadrant. Not working means you don’t experience the rewards of interacting with colleagues. You may get lonely as you stay at home all day long. You don’t have the sense of accomplishment of working on a team, adding value, or improving your skills. You may feel the frustration of knowing that you can contribute a lot to the world, but the world does not seem to want you. You may not be able to help with your household’s finances, so you worry about not pulling your own weight. Even worse, you may have the real fear of becoming homeless, which afflicted more than half a million Americans on any given night in 2017.2

  I am fortunate to have never worried about being homeless in my life. However, I’ve been unemployed on many occasions, including times when my money was running out. If you find yourself in this situation, then I’d encourage you to get work — any work whatsoever — in order to start making money. This will boost your self-worth and confidence, and force you to manage your time more efficiently. Early in my career, I went from being unemployed to sweeping an acquaintance’s garage floor, raising money door-to-door for the Democratic Party, selling newspaper advertising for The San Francisco Business Times, and selling voicemail and phone systems for a multinational corporation. Less than two years later, I was in business school at Stanford.

  Getting out of bed to go to work will give you a sense of purpose. In turn, you can look for better and better jobs, stabilize your finances, and strategically think about how to do work that you love, which will be highly pleasurable and purposeful. This may take years of hard work to bring to fruition. But it’s better than the alternative.

  High Pleasure and Low Purpose

  Moving to the upper left-hand corner of the matrix, I put “Learning to salsa dance.” Salsa dancing is festive and joyous, but I must admit I’m not very good at it. (Maybe a year in Cuba would cure that!) It’s very fun and sexy — but would be even more pleasurable for me if I developed my salsa skills.

  Getting a great night’s sleep is becoming increasingly pleasurable, as I get older and my body slows down. It’s also becoming a lot more meaningful, because I better understand the importance of sleep for pretty much everything we cherish in our lives, such as health, happiness, analytical ability, creativity, and good relationships.3

  Hearing my favorite song is wonderful — and would gain in meaning if it suddenly also reminded me of a friend.

  Eating a delicious meal is packed with pleasure. In general, though, I don’t find a lot of purpose in great food. Rather, the meal is the end in itself. Now, I know that there are lots of foodies who have an almost religious zeal in seeking out the best ramen truck, foie gras, or bottle of Bordeaux. (My wife is one of them, actually, and I love her for that.) In fact, I think part of the reason people become obsessed with food is to create purpose in
their otherwise rather unfulfilled lives. (“Bored with your bank job? Then maybe cupcakes should be your new compulsion!”) Much of the advertising we see, by the way, is there to convince us that we Gotta Have That Particular Junk Food Right Now!

  Maybe I just come from a white, Midwestern American family where the food wasn’t so great. (Sorry, Mom! Sorry, Nebraska!) Which might explain why I usually end up asking myself, “What’s the big deal about this particular food?” Yes, I love lobster. It tastes delicious. It was hard to get when I was growing up. Most of my life I have not been able to afford it at all. And it enjoys status as a luxury food.

  But does that mean that I have to eat lobster at 27 different restaurants in San Francisco, to find “the best”? Do I need to travel nationally or internationally, to find the world’s perfect lobster?

  I don’t think so. Because I just don’t find eating lobster to be very purposeful. Pleasurable, yes. But deeply meaningful? No.

  In contrast, making spaghetti carbonara has meaning for me, because it’s one of the few dishes I do well, it reminds me of my first trip to Italy with a dear friend, and it’s what I used to make for my two daughters when they were little. I can make a great salad, but the meaning is not there for me — until I remind myself that healthy eating is a great way to fight cancer.

  Hearing a funny joke is pleasurable — and will have more purpose if it’s satirical or makes an important social or political point.

  Kittens are adorable for me — and they could have even more meaning if they remind you of the kitten you had when you were a kid.

  Watching your favorite sports team can be exciting, entertaining, and cathartic. It might actually have a lot of purpose for you, if you strongly identify with the team for whatever reason. I’m from Nebraska, where college football has been a key part of the state’s identity for my entire life. When I watch a Nebraska football game, I feel like a little kid again — sitting next to my Dad, brothers, and sister as we cheer the Cornhuskers on to another victory.

  How does travel affect you? When you travel, do you like to just rest, do yoga, and meditate all the time? Or is clubbing in Miami Beach more your style?

  When I was younger, I could not imagine traveling somewhere just to stay at a club and sit on the beach all day long. I figured that there was plenty of local culture to experience, which went way beyond drinking beer and watching the surf. But as I got deeper into my career, and I became exhausted by the intensity of both working in Silicon Valley and raising children, I delighted in the simple pleasure of going to an all-inclusive resort in Mexico and chilling out for a week.

  So sometimes there is not a lot of purpose — you’re just hanging out at a beach in Maui. But if you return to that same beach, 20 years later, you might realize how you’ve grown as a person in the intervening years. That’s meaningful — making sense out of the past, present, and future. Going to a little village in Ireland might not be terribly fascinating to you — unless you know that your great-grandfather was born there.

  As we discussed above, you can gain a lot of happiness by having enough pleasure in your life. But if you find that your life is filled with lots of fun but not enough purpose, then I encourage you to invest more in family and friends, and to do work that is more meaningful to you.

  Low Pleasure and High Purpose

  This quadrant is full of activities we often call “very rewarding.” You could feel motivated, determined, driven, or inspired. Studying for a big exam at school can be grueling. It’s even more demanding if you have to dedicate years of your life to achieving some sort of milestone, such as finishing your residency to become a physician. If you did not have the burning desire to accomplish this goal — for whatever reason that is meaningful to you — you would probably give up.

  I don’t find changing a baby’s diapers intrinsically enjoyable. But I changed a huge number of my daughters’ diapers and I never really minded, because this was an act of love for them. It was very fulfilling to know that they were more comfortable because I was keeping them clean and dry. (For them, having clean diapers was very high on pleasure, but completely lacked any purpose.)

  Physical exercise can be onerous for many people, especially if you are not used to it. But even some former couch potatoes find their lives transformed by sticking with a workout program, to the point where they come to enjoy it. That would then put exercise into their “High Pleasure, High Purpose” quadrant.

  Doing volunteer work (as I describe in Chapter Two on Relationships) will almost always make you feel better about yourself — so it’s high on the Purpose axis. It may not always be a lot of fun, though. I remember participating in “get out the vote” drives in Nevada, Virginia, and Orange County, California for the 2008, 2012, 2016 and 2018 U.S. elections. I spent my own money to get to those places from San Francisco. Most of the time, I did not get enough sleep, because I got up early. I canvassed into the night. It was hot. I was dehydrated. The neighborhoods were often dangerous. People were sometimes hostile. But they were some of the most meaningful experiences I have ever had, because I believed deeply in the candidates and causes that I supported. For the rest of my life, I can feel good about helping my person get elected (three times), and knowing that I did all I could at the time when my candidate lost (once!).

  Building a successful product can be fairly purposeful, if you connect the work you do with the positive impact you’re having on others. If the product is “successful” but does nothing to help people, then you’ll have a lot less purpose.

  Visiting a friend in the hospital can be extremely meaningful for you and for them. It might also be disturbing, frustrating, inconvenient, or depressing, so the Pleasure component might be low. Or not.

  How do you apply this to your life? The next time you’re grinding away at some activity that is very low on pleasure, ask yourself why you’re doing it in the first place. Then, you may concur with the French novelist Honoré de Balzac, who wrote in Père Goriot, “Some day you will find out that there is far more happiness in another’s happiness than in your own.”4

  High Pleasure and High Purpose

  This is the happiest quadrant. This is the optimal, ideal quadrant. Not everything you do will fit here, but the best things in life do: playing soccer with your kids in the backyard during a holiday barbeque, amazing sex with your long-time partner, or being “in flow” at work.

  Let’s start with family reunions. They could be anywhere on the matrix, really. In my family, they’re reasonably fun but not incredible. (We are, after all, an Irish Catholic family from Nebraska — how fun can we actually be?) But I find reunions to have a lot of purpose, especially as we all get older, and I realize that any time I see my family might be the last.

  Winning a scholarship can be a thrill, both because it saves you money and it allows you to study something you find purposeful.

  Hanging out with friends can be a lot of fun. If they’re old friends and you have not seen them for a long time, or you’ve overcome adversity in the relationship, then the purpose is even greater.

  Going to Disneyland can be unforgettable — which is probably why 18.3 million people went there in 2017.5 Like changing diapers, it’s especially purposeful for the parents, and especially pleasurable for the kids. But overall, good theme parks are fun, entertaining, unique, and appealing to kids and parents alike. They make you feel like you’re being a great parent by taking your kids there. This one-two punch of pleasure and purpose explains why the marketers at Disney like to call it “The Happiest Place on Earth.”

  I mentioned that doing physical exercise can be a “Low Pleasure, High Purpose” activity. But a wise person will establish good workout habits with the purpose of living a healthy, long life. (See Chapter Sixteen on habit-building) Each time you do yoga, go for a swim, or visit the health club, it will get easier. You will feel stronger and healthier. You will get sick less often. Yo
u will sleep more at night. Even better, as the Harvard Health Letter reports, “Improving heart health is also good for your brain.”6

  This is a wonderful, virtuous cycle!

  And as the old saying goes, “When you have your health, you have everything.”

  It’s hard to be happy if you are not in good health. Indeed, research from Dr. Nattavudh Powdthavee at the University of London tried to put a monetary value on the importance of being well. Using a technique called shadow pricing, he found “Improvement in health has one of the largest effects on life satisfaction; a move from having a very poor health to having an excellent health is worth around an extra £300,000 [roughly $389,000] a year.”7

  So vibrant health can greatly add to your happiness, through increased pleasure and purpose.

  Before we go on to some of the larger philosophical dimensions of happiness and well-being, take some time to create your own matrix — it could give you a new perspective on many of the things you already do.

  Writing Activity 16:

  Think of all the things you do, on a regular basis. Put them into this matrix. Evaluate what is purposeful. What is pleasurable. What is both? What is neither?