by Jim McCarthy
It’s very hard for one person to be able to make any sort of fair judgment on another person, anyway, precisely because we don’t know the other person’s journey. Can you really know for sure that your next-door neighbor is a good mother? How would you possibly gain enough information to make such a judgment?
The Comparing Mind is futile. The judging mind is, too.
Why Is It Hard to Avoid “the Comparing Mind”?
For most people, life is full of real and intense competition. This starts in our educational systems, where students are often “graded on a curve.” Later, in the workforce, managers have to compare multiple people vying for a promotion and decide who gets the better job. There are real consequences to determining who gets hired, who can afford the condo, who gets to buy the fancy convertible. And whose company succeeds or goes bust.
Heroes, leaders, and role models often inspire us with their amazing courage, skill, dedication, and luck. You become motivated and say to yourself, “If she can do it, so can I!” That’s great, but don’t let this other person become your obsession. Instead, find your own truth, on your own path. After all, even though Mark Zuckerberg set out to become Bill Gates, he ended up becoming Mark Zuckerberg!6
Our popular culture encourages it. I have worked in a wide variety of advertising roles, ranging from video production in Spain in 1990 to mobile advertising at a Silicon Valley start-up in 2012. I can say with confidence that almost all advertising is designed to make us feel inadequate. The New York Times cites research indicating that we are bombarded every day with up to 5,000 advertising messages — all of which encourage us to have a Comparing Mind.7 Or, to put it another way, advertising follows the adage I learned doing sales, long ago: “Make the customer sick, and then sell them medicine.” So the more ads you see, the more you have the Comparing Mind, the more inadequate you feel, and the more you consume.
But consumption will not bring you more happiness. At least, not for long.
Do you think you have the Comparing Mind? Answer these questions to notice how your mind and emotions work:
Writing Activity 18
Who do you compare yourself to, either in your career or your personal life?
How long have you been comparing yourself to these people? Why do you compare yourself to these people, and not somebody else?
Are you “winning” the competition? According to what criteria? How would you know? When would you know? Is it even possible to win?
How do these comparisons make you feel? Are they making your life better? Or worse?
It’s fun to compare your “Comparing Mind” questions with someone else. If you happen to compare yourself to a trusted friend, then you might even reach out to them and say, “Hey, you might find this funny, but I often compare myself to you, because I think you’re so good at X.” They might be flattered by your comment, explain that they worked hard at their skill, or admit that they’re not nearly as talented as they look. They might share tips with you on how you can achieve at this level, too. And they’ll probably remind you of some wonderful ability that you have that you take for granted.
An Alternative Path
Don’t let comparisons get you down. In contrast, here are a few other ways to journey through life, with a different mindset to serve you better:
Be grateful for both the people and things in your life, instead of obsessing over those who have more material things than you. As part of your daily routine, spend one minute every day writing yourself an email entitled, “I am grateful today for …” This practice is simple yet powerful. While you’re at it, every day tell the people you love one thing that you appreciate about them. “Honey, I’m grateful you cooked dinner,” or, “Sweetie, thanks for taking out the trash,” are fine ways to start. We go into detail on this in Chapter Fourteen on Gratitude.
Recognize what money can and can’t buy. As Bruce Springsteen wisely said in an interview long ago, “If you’re makin’ more than $500 a night, you’re gonna have more than $500 problems.”8The next time you are presented with the opportunity to make some sort of sacrifice of family time or friends time in order to make more money, ask yourself if this is getting you what you really want. We address this in Chapter Three on Work.
Learn from wonderful, inspiring role models and heroes. Celebrate Oprah Winfrey, Warren Buffett, Mother Teresa, Richard Branson, or whoever you choose. And apply their lessons to your life. But don’t beat up on yourself if you have not yet achieved their levels of success. As far as I can tell, none of them is or was perfect, either!
Simply pay attention to how you feel when you’re exposed to advertising — online, in print, on the radio and TV, on billboards, on product packaging, walking through the mall, etc. And realize that you can be perfectly at peace the way you already are, rather than having to strive for some “ideal,” as envisioned by an ad agency. Madison Avenue has never made a lot of money by telling people, “You are fine.”
We discuss the skill of paying attention in Chapter Twelve on Meditation.
If you incorporate these simple practices into your everyday life, you’ll go a long way toward avoiding the Comparing Mind and living your unique life as only you can define it.
Writing Activity 19:
Compare who you were at the end of high school to who you are today.
How have you changed?
Consider your development professionally, financially, socially, physically, emotionally, and spiritually/philosophically.
This writing activity is a nice excuse for you to reach out to high school friends. If you’re still in regular contact with them, then they can easily compare the “you” that they know today to the “you” that they knew in high school. If you reach out to someone with whom you have not spoken for 20 years, you might be amazed at how they remember you. Sometimes we forget who we were then, and how far we’ve come.
My hope is that after doing this writing activity — comparing yourself only to your prior self — you will feel good about the progress you’ve made.
Hope That the Comparing
Mind Lessens with Age
In late 2016 I attended my 20-year business school reunion. It was a tremendous experience, in part because I was honored to give a 15-minute TED-style talk to my classmates, entitled, “Live AS IF You Had Cancer.”
At the reunion, I noticed a few major themes:
Conversations tended to focus a lot less on money, career, and status, and a lot more on family, friends, and health as this group was heading for middle age. One classmate had been infected with a flesh-eating virus, contracted through oral surgery, which had almost killed him. Another seemed to be in great health — and nonetheless had had a severe stroke, which paralyzed half of his body for a year. And a third had had seven surgeries and 39 rounds of chemotherapy to fight colon cancer.
Several (including me) had gone through tough divorces — or were in the process of separating. Some had the courage to say they had faced severe depression. Others had realized that they were queer, and decided to leave their straight marriages.
People had gotten nicer. Or maybe I’d become less judgmental. At the reunion I had lots of wonderful, kind conversations with people I hardly knew before. It felt very comforting to be able to make completely new friends with people I’d known for 22 years, yet never really took the time to connect with.
Then there were the people I used to think of fairly negatively. In contrast to prior reunions, I did not try to avoid them. And in many cases, I had delightful, sincere conversations with them about personal issues. I can try to tell myself that these other people have changed for the better. But much more likely, I’m more self-loving and self-forgiving than before, which makes it a lot easier for me to accept and honor others. My perception of “the world” — it seems — is really just a mirror of who I am, right now.
Careers are unpre
dictable. I met up with people who had always been very low-key, but who were quietly able to start multiple companies that had been successfully acquired. I also recall the people who were flying high in their careers 10 years earlier, but were then wiped out in the Great Recession. Some who used to be quite arrogant had been humbled. (I liked them a lot more this way!)
Several classmates had completely changed their careers.
One went on to get a degree in psychiatry and now helps people in prisons in Massachusetts. One helped repeal the U.S. military’s “Don’t ask, don’t tell” policy, had a successful career in finance, and now works as a psychologist in San Francisco. And one later studied theology at Harvard and now teaches mindfulness and improvisation.
Others had been successful entrepreneurs who are now using their wealth, time, and energy to work for nonprofits. Some were full-time homemakers.
Despite all that they had accomplished — or not accomplished — many members of the Stanford Graduate School of Business Class of 1996 were still trying to figure out what they’d write in the next chapters of their lives. I felt hopeful that whatever they wrote, it would be based on living up to their own true potential, rather than trying to outcompete their classmates.
Writing Activity 20:
Think about the people you work with right now, or the people from your latest work. Now imagine you’re meeting them again, at a reunion, 20 years from now. What would you like to say about yourself?
What do you want to be true about the work you’ve done, between now and then? And why?
If you have a trusted friendship with any work colleagues, go ahead and ask them this question. You may find that they have a completely different set of career goals and life expectations than you do.
Chapter Nine:
Enjoy the Journey
The “I’ll Be Happy Only When …” Syndrome
I remember working very hard for a Silicon Valley start-up. One day I heard the founder/CEO say in exasperation, “I’ll be happy only when we go public!” That was clearly the goal for everyone in the company — having an initial public offering, or IPO, would be a major achievement — and all of us early employees would stand to make millions of dollars.
There’s nothing wrong with having goals and working hard to accomplish them. In fact, as we discuss in Chapter Three on Work, engaging with something that gives you purpose is a key element of happiness. But problems begin when we lead our lives under the never-ending assumption that “success,” “happiness,” or “peace” are states of being that can be reached only once we overcome all our current obstacles, after which life is suddenly perfect. Along the way, we act as if this state of contentment cannot be here and now, but rather sometime in the future.
You can call this the “I’ll Be Happy Only When” Syndrome. Here’s what it might look like at various stages in a person’s career:
I’ll be happy only when I get out of high school.
I’ll be happy only when I get good grades on my college admissions exams.
I’ll be happy only when I get into a top university.
I’ll be happy only when I graduate from that top university.
I’ll be happy only when I get a fantastic job after college.
I’ll be happy only when I pay off my student loans.
I’ll be happy only when I get promoted to manager at that great job.
I’ll be happy only when I earn $100,000 per year.
I’ll be happy only when I get promoted to director at that job.
I’ll be happy only when I switch companies and leave that job I hate.
I’ll be happy only when I earn $200,000 per year.
I’ll be happy only when I save $1,000,000 for my retirement.
I’ll be happy only when I retire.
I’ll be happy only when I figure out what hobbies I should have in my retirement.
In parallel, this syndrome can take many forms in someone’s personal life:
I’ll be happy only when I have a boyfriend/girlfriend in high school.
I’ll be happy only when I have a boyfriend/girlfriend in college.
I’ll be happy only when I lose my virginity. (This could happen at many different stages in one’s life … but only once, as far as I can tell!)
I’ll be happy only when I get engaged.
I’ll be happy only when I get married.
I’ll be happy only when we have our first child.
I’ll be happy only when we have our second child.
I’ll be happy only when our kids get into an outstanding kindergarten/grade school/high school/college/graduate school/postdoctoral program in astrophysics at Princeton.
I’ll be happy only when all of the kids are out of the house.
I’ll be happy only when I get a divorce.
I’ll be happy only when the child custody issue is resolved.
I’ll be happy only when I get remarried.
I’ll be happy only when I get a divorce again.
I’ll be happy only when I undergo my gender transition.
Those are examples of major life events. But this syndrome can plague our daily lives as well:
I’ll be happy only when tax season is over.
I’ll be happy only when the Golden State Warriors win the NBA championship again.
I’ll be happy only when this out-of-town visitor is gone.
I’ll be happy only when we finalize plans for our upcoming vacation.
I’ll be happy only when we get better marketing materials for our product.
I’ll be happy only when that stupid colleague of mine switches departments.
I’ll be happy only when the stock market goes up.
I’ll be happy only when it stops raining.
You may be waiting a long time.
Impact Bias and Hedonic Adaptation
The “I’ll Be Happy Only When” Syndrome means that you think your life will be way better once a certain desired event takes place. Psychologists Daniel Gilbert from Harvard and Tim Wilson from the University of Virginia call this phenomenon “impact bias.” As described in The New York Times, the research means that “Yes, we will adapt to the BMW and the plasma TV, since we adapt to virtually everything. But Wilson and Gilbert and others have shown that we seem unable to predict that we will adapt. Thus, when we find the pleasure derived from a thing diminishing, we move on to the next thing or event and almost certainly make another error of prediction, and then another, ad infinitum.”1
If you’re like many people, it’s normal that you study hard and work hard in your career, so that you can afford basic necessities and buy useful things. For your transportation, if using your feet, scooters, bikes, buses, trains, or ride-sharing isn’t good enough for you, then you’ll probably end up buying a car. At first, you’re thrilled to have that new car. But over time, you get used to that car, your passion dissipates, and you take it for granted.
If you’re a typical human being, then you will set your sights on some new object of desire. You work to be financially successful enough to buy your own home. But eventually that dream home will just become a place to live. I remember buying a beautiful new house in Cupertino, California, in 2001, never imagining that I could ever be unhappy living in that home. About seven years later, I was moving out of that home when I decided to end my marriage. That lovely house did not save my marriage, and it did not maintain my happiness, either. (It was, however, a source of great disagreement in the divorce proceedings!)
Scientists describe the phenomenon of getting used to nice things as “hedonic adaptation.” Speaking to The New York Times, Carnegie Mellon University economist George Loewenstein characterizes this human tendency as follows: “Happiness is a signal that our brains use to motivate us to do certain things. And in the same way that our eye adapts to differ
ent levels of illumination, we’re designed to kind of go back to the happiness set point. Our brains are not trying to be happy. Our brains are trying to regulate us.”2
Psychology Professor Sonja Lyubomirsky writes in The How of Happiness that hedonic adaptation occurs because of rising aspirations and social comparisons.3 As we continue with material successes in life, we keep raising the bar to even higher success. And we tend to surround ourselves with people who are successful like us — with even more successful people closely within sight.
Long-term research confirms that this behavior does not bring happiness. University of Southern California economist Richard A. Easterlin asks us to “Consider, for example, Americans born in the 1940s. Between the years 1972 and 2000, as their average age increased from about 26 to 54 years, their average income per person — adjusted for the change in the price of goods and services — more than doubled, increasing by 116 percent. Yet, their reported happiness in the year 2000 was no different from that 28 years earlier. They had a lot more money and a considerably higher standard of living at the later date, but this did not make them feel any happier.”4
Writing Activity 21:
Even if you got everything you desired in Writing Activity 14, how much happier do you think you would become? How long would that last?
This question forces you to imagine your dreams coming true. Visualizing that might be exciting. Or actually scary. Or both. Could you imagine one day adapting to the point where all your highest aspirations become reality — and you find it totally normal and boring?