by Jim McCarthy
Wouldn’t that be sad, and pretty absurd? What can we do to prevent this from happening?
Instead, Enjoy Your Journey
How do you break the cycle of impact bias and hedonic adaptation? First, you need to recognize when it happens. You need to notice every time you say something like, “I’ll be happy only when …” You need to stop and consider that it is possible to be quite content even before that certain special thing happens. One of my daily affirmations is, “All I need for a peaceful, fulfilling life is to have a peaceful, fulfilling now.” It’s simple, practical, and comforting.
Enjoying your journey should be one of your major life strategies. It’s the Pleasure part of my Happiness Framework. (See Chapter Four.)
If this is not your focus, then you run a huge risk of never really learning how to savor this present moment — no matter how imperfect it may be, or how much better you think “things will be in the future.”
For example, I have a friend whose father worked for many years running a successful family business in Boston. Although the family was quite affluent, the father kept putting off retirement. Finally, he sold the business and moved with his wife to Florida. Sadly, within just months of the move, he suffered a massive stroke, disabling half of his body. His devoted wife helped with his care, but he was never the same. He suffered more strokes, and died 10 years into his retirement.
I know that my friend’s family found these events challenging — but they also grew in commitment and love for each other. Nevertheless, I could not help but observe the situation, and think, “Gosh! I wish the dad had quit working sooner, so he could have enjoyed his retirement more.”
I want you to think about the choices you have, right now, to enjoy your journey — or else risk falling for the illusion that everything will be resolved … some day.
If you need a more vivid example, I’ll remind you that there is no guarantee that you’ll have any future, let alone a perfect one. After all, how long can you be certain that your life will continue? I was wondering about this one day, and concluded that I could really only count on being alive for another five to 10 seconds. I live in California, so a deadly earthquake could happen at any moment.
What, you don’t live in an earthquake zone? There are still tornadoes, floods, hurricanes, terrorist attacks, and random assault rifle shootings in public places throughout the United States of America. As I look outside the window right now, San Francisco is choking from a dense layer of smoke from wildfires. The most likely cause of death for most Americans, during most of their lives, is automobile accidents. (Some people have a “fear of flying,” but it’s more logical to have a “fear of riding.”) As you get older, heart attacks and strokes can take your life very quickly.
I’m not trying to freak you out or render you paralyzed in fear. Instead, just as we discussed in the section on “Imagine Your Death Day” (Chapter One), I want you to appreciate that you’re mortal — and that no one knows how much, or how little, time they have. But even if you live for another 90 years, I’d like you to enjoy those 90 years.
As the great French philosopher Albert Camus advised, “Real generosity towards the future lies in giving all to the present.”5
What Is “Stress,” Anyway?
What is the opposite of Camus’s recommendation to “give all to the present”?
It’s when you are hung up on what has already happened, or freaked out about what might happen. When you think this way, you feel stress.
Ah yes … our faithful companion, “stress.” We could address this in the chapter on Relationships — because all sorts of relationships can be stressful, right? We can discuss stress in the Work chapter — because work is a huge source of stress for many of us. Indeed, Stanford Professor Jeffrey Pfeffer, who wrote the book Dying for a Paycheck, has said, “I look out at the workplace and I see stress, layoffs, longer hours, work-family conflict, enormous amounts of economic insecurity. I see a workplace that has become shockingly inhumane.”6
It helps to think about stress with regard to how present we are … or aren’t. Stress is driven by our relationship to events in the past, right now, and the future.
The past. This came before. It is finished. There is nothing you can do to change it if you wanted to. Nothing you can do to change what happened in 1998. Nothing you can do to change what happened 98 seconds ago, either. By definition, it has passed.
Even so, the past affects who you are today, and while you can’t go back and change it, how you think about it is important. Here are some possibilities:
Recalling events positively: with pride, satisfaction, or gratitude for what happened. Maybe you overcame adversity, conquered a huge challenge, or received tremendous love from others. This is a productive way to think about the past, because it reinforces your self-image as the hero of your life journey. You can think to yourself, “Wow, I’ve had tough problems to solve before, and I overcame them. I can do it again. Nothing succeeds like success!”
Looking back longingly: with nostalgia. Wishing that you could go back to the “Good Old Days.” This outlook is less constructive, because it refuses to accept that things in life do change. You may also be overestimating the “good stuff” from the past and forgetting that there was plenty of “bad stuff” going on as well. Be aware of this as you do the Writing Activities in this book.
What’s more, you may be filling yourself with sadness, when instead you could think, “Well, at least I was lucky to experience that, if even just once in my life.” There are times when I feel nostalgic for my days at Yahoo, around 1999. I got to work with smart, motivated, fun, funky, relaxed, creative people at the leading global company in a bleeding-edge, important industry. And I was getting paid a lot. On the one hand, I’m sorry that none of my other jobs since then has been able to compare. On the other hand, I’m grateful that I was able to have that remarkable experience — even once.
Seeing things regretfully: with sorrow for events that happened to you, many of which might have been totally out of your control. For what you did control, you may be disappointed about things you did or did not do. What’s a helpful way to come to terms with these emotions?
If you have a regret about the past, and you can still act on that regret, then I suggest that it’s better late than never. For example, let’s say you wish you had started learning to play the guitar when you were eight years old. For whatever reason, it did not happen. So would you still like to learn to play the guitar? Regardless of your age right now, why don’t you pursue this desire? For the things you do control — either make them happen or accept that you can’t make them happen.
Regret does not have to be worthless. This emotion can be used for learning, growth, focus, and inspiration. You can look back at your setbacks and use them as motivation to get better. I have made many mistakes in my life, but each time I try to learn my lesson and apply it going forward. In this way, I never feel like my mistakes were a “waste of time.”
Do you spend a lot of energy dwelling on the past? Many people do. I encourage you to use the recommendations above to think about the past in a more constructive way, so that you can enjoy the present moment more.
Right now. You have a lot of control over this. It’s not perfect control — if you walk outdoors and it’s 103 degrees, you will sweat. Or, as another example, you are subject to the laws of any country you live in, more or less, sooner or later. But you actually have a lot of say regarding whether you get out of bed in the morning, eat or not, work or not, interact with others or not. You have a lot of freedom to do what you want … as long as you understand there will be consequences for what you do.
As for the old saying about the certainty of death and taxes, you actually don’t even have to pay taxes! Just be aware that you will probably end up in jail if you refuse to pay. (Alas, death still remains certain.)
Living in the “right
now” is a great place to be. Recall the study from the chapter on Pleasure, in which Harvard researcher Matt Killingsworth found that we are happiest when we stay in the present moment.7
You feel like admiring the passing clouds? Do it now.
You feel like enjoying a sip of tea? Do it now.
You feel like giving your partner a big, long hug, and saying “I love you, darling”? Do it now.
Many of the exercises and practices in this book are aimed at helping you savor right now.
The future. You might be the sort who obsesses over the future. But, in fact, it does not exist yet. The future never exists. It only reveals and manifests itself in the right now, one little moment at a time. There are fundamental ways to think about the future:
Optimistically: You can look forward to things. During the college football season, I anticipate the next time that Stanford or Nebraska play. You can get excited as you plan your next vacation — even get thrilled as you look online at restaurant options. This can feel wonderful. The Germans even have a saying, “Vorfreude ist die schönste Freude” (say that five times fast), which can be translated as “anticipation is the greatest joy.” But if you spend all your attention on whatever’s in the future, and don’t know how to savor the present, then you’re guilty of the “I’ll Be Happy Only When” Syndrome, which we discussed earlier.
Pragmatically: The future may never really exist, but ignoring it will make right now more difficult. It’s hard to pass tests in school if you never study. It’s hard to work long term for anything if you’re solely focused on whatever you feel like doing right now. My Happiness Framework is based in part on balancing the pleasure in the now versus working for something with purpose, even if you don’t achieve that goal until far in the future.
Anxiously: This is when we envision negative outcomes.
For events that are likely to happen, you can fear the worst scenarios playing out. In those cases, you need to simply do the best you can to get the best results. Yes, you might have to declare bankruptcy and lose your home. I know people who had to go through that. It was very hard for them, but eventually they came out on the other side, stronger than ever.
For events that are not likely to happen, you may still worry about worst-case scenarios — no matter how unlikely. This becomes unreasonable, paranoid, or neurotic. Is it possible that the plane you’re flying on is going to crash? Yes. Is it probable? Not at all. In fact, you’re extraordinarily safer flying in that plane than driving in a car to the airport.8
To address any unnecessary anxiety you have, I refer you to this wisdom, often attributed to Mark Twain: “I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”9
I try to encapsulate my stress-reduction approach with this affirmation: “I learn from the past. I fully enjoy the present. I do the best that I can. And I let it be.”
A Bucket List for Mindfulness
Do you have a “bucket list”? A lot of people maintain lists of things they want to do, be, or experience before they die. Many people have unwritten “bucket lists” in the back of their minds: “I’d like to start my own company.” “I’d like to do a triathlon.” “I’d like to see Venice someday.” I’m lucky to have traveled the world, and have had a varied career, so I’ve enjoyed a lot of fun, fulfilling experiences, long before I heard the term “bucket list.”
I have mixed feelings about these lists. On the one hand, I like the idea of setting goals for things that are important to you, and then figuring out how to accomplish those goals. A goal can be purposeful, such as volunteering for a political campaign to help someone you admire get elected. Or the goal can be for something pleasurable, such as swimming with dolphins in Mexico.
On the other hand, I detest when people do things so superficially that the activity hardly “counts” at all. For example, I once made great efforts to help someone see a European cathedral, just to have him walk out after two minutes because he only needed 120 seconds to “do” the cathedral.
My belief is that your life will be richer and more meaningful if you slow down enough to pay attention and savor your experience. (We mention this in Chapter Fourteen on Gratitude, when we discuss how to move events from short-term memory to long-term memory.) In fact, many of us are so busy multitasking and racing around experiencing things that we really shortchange ourselves of the beauty of the present moment.
For instance, have you ever hiked a long distance to get to the top of a mountain, and once you’re at the top, you immediately start thinking about your ride back home? Or you’re on vacation in Montreal, but you’re already talking about your next trip to New Orleans? Or you’re watching an expensive Broadway musical but worrying about the next day’s trip to the Statue of Liberty?
These are problems that arise when we are not being “mindful” or aware of the present moment. (Chapter Twelve on Meditation offers excellent ways to develop your ability to be present.)
I’m reminded of the saying, “The purpose is not to fit more years into your life, but to fit more life into your years.” At first glance, I can interpret this quote to mean, “Go ahead! Do more stuff! Don’t just do the same thing! Live life intensely.”
OK, that’s a great approach. But then, you can imagine that, taken to an extreme, a person following this suggestion is just running around, striving to “do” their bucket list, while not really slowing down to enjoy any of it. The rise of social media has made this insanity even worse, as people experience life more as an efficient photo shoot than as … well … life!
As an alternative, you can interpret the quote to mean, “Stop racing and start living! No matter how long you live, you’ll be a lot happier and more successful if you savor each hour of each day — whether you’re visiting a city on your bucket list, sitting at home listening to music, or just reading a good book.”
If you can’t learn how to enjoy the simplest of daily pleasures, then extraordinary experiences probably won’t have much positive impact on you either. Instead, why not create a bucket list of the day — “a bucket list du jour,” if you will. A daily bucket list for mindfulness. That list might look like this:
•I notice many variations of smells and savor the ones I like.
•I smell and taste the food I eat while consciously putting words to the flavors and textures.
•I smell and taste the liquids that I drink, giving them the same attention I would if I were at a luxurious wine-tasting event.
•I recognize the beauty of colors, shapes, and patterns throughout the day — orange and turquoise, curved and straight, plaid and polka dot, leopard skin and lavender.
•I appreciate my sense of touch of things warm, cool, cold, hot, rough, smooth, soft, fuzzy, prickly, squishy, shallow, or deep.
•I notice all the varieties of sounds — espresso machines, barking dogs, rustling leaves, pounding drums, TV commercials, and the voices of people talking to me.
•I marvel at my bodily sensations and my ability to move and feel gravity.
•I notice the eye color of those who are speaking with me.
•I pay attention to whether someone I see looks happy, sad, or any other emotion. I attempt to put their emotion into words.
•I seek opportunities to be compassionate to others — by word, or action, or thought.
•I laugh.
Writing Activity 22:
What is your bucket list for mindfulness, just for today?
Go ahead and create your “racing all over the world” bucket list, if you insist. But make sure you practice your daily mindfulness bucket list as well — so that you can live each day. Rick Hanson, the Bay Area psychologist and author, likes to quote a Tibetan saying: “If you take care of the minutes, the years will take care of themselves.”10
You Can Have It All —
Just Not at the Same Time
Are you impatient? My mom will be the first to tell you that I’m quite impatient. My wife would concur. Impatience seems to be a key aspect of the “I’ll Be Happy Only When” Syndrome. No matter how great our current situation is, and no matter how much better it is now than it was before, we tend to want to hurry up and get on to the newer, better situation. It’s OK to want to improve, but if we can’t even enjoy how good life is right now, then we’ll simply rush to get to our new life — and not appreciate that once we get there, either.
Mahatma Gandhi is believed to have cautioned, “There is more to life than simply increasing its speed.” To remedy this tendency to rush through life, the advice I like to give is, “You can have it all — just not at the same time.”
Yes, you can work 90 hours per week to create a venture-capital-backed Silicon Valley start-up, which might even be successful and help a lot of customers.
And you can also have a superb diet, exercise a lot, run a half-marathon, get a lot of sleep, and take great care of your health.
You can be a wonderful, caring, giving, loving, highly involved parent.
You can have excellent relationships with your parents, siblings, and extended family, while also having a delightful circle of friends and an amazing social life.
You can lead a “book of the month” club, volunteer for political activist groups, help your university’s alumni network, and mentor those less fortunate than you.
In fact, if you simply look at your social media accounts, you probably know various people who seem to be doing all of these things — and more! But in reality, I don’t believe anybody can do all of these things at the same time.
It’s not lazy or defeatist to simply recognize certain constraints of time and space. Don’t beat yourself up for not being able to “do it all.” Yes, there was a phase in my life when I worked extremely long hours — but at the expense of my relationships. Later I got married and had my first daughter, so I cut back dramatically on my work hours, and then was a stay-at-home dad for a year. I’m glad that I made this choice — even though it slowed my career advancement. After my divorce, I was working long hours again — but to the detriment of my physical and emotional well-being. These days, my priority is taking care of my health and having a successful marriage and family life. Those things are a higher priority than working as much as I can to earn as much as I can, as fast as I can.