by Ethan Egorov
“You have beer?” I ask her.
“Um, maybe.”
I get up and look in their fridge. There are mostly fruity drinks, but I find one of two beers. I assume she doesn’t drink it that often, or anything. All the liquor is tucked on the top shelf.
“How come you don’t drink often?” I ask her out of curiosity. She turns from the stove to look at me, and I sip my beer.
“Because…” she shrugs her shoulder. “I never liked it much.”
“Unless you’re celebrating.” I twist my lips, remembering her party.
She shakes her head as her eyes soften. “Not really. I mean… that was just because I was bummed about my parents not being there. It doesn’t usually weigh down on me much unless something big is happening. Like graduating from med school.” She exhales.
I nod in understanding. I used to feel the same way about my dad. But I never had much to accomplish to begin with. It was mostly stuff at the club. I didn’t know him well. It was my mom that took longer to get over because she was actually around more, but even that came in time.
“I get that.” I finally tell her.
In the silence, I drink my beer and she finishes the dinner. She serves me a huge helping like she already knows how much I eat.
“Thanks,” I mutter.
She sits next to me, “Sure.”
We eat in relative silence. Her food is good, better than mine, and it feels easily domesticated to be eating next to her and not saying anything. I’m a quiet person naturally. I talk more around her than anyone else and she never gets on me for it or pries me about it. I like that about her, it goes against how she is as a person; talkative and bubbly, but she still does it. When I have enough food in me, I take the plunge.
“My mom died when I was young. My dad too.” I say. My hard voice cuts the silence and the deepness surprises even me.
“They did?” Amy asks me. I half turn to her. She wipes sauce from the corner of her lip with a napkin and the sets it down. I look over her soft, delicate features and smooth legs curled up on the seat. Her eyes pin me down with their big brightness and it’s unnerving.
“Yeah.” I say. She stares at me, like asking ‘that’s it,’ and it takes me a while to find anything else to say.
“My dad died first. It was sudden, abrupt. My sister and I handled it a little better cause he wasn’t around much, but he wasn’t always like that so my mom took it harder. Anyway, she got sick and didn’t bother fighting it much, she died a couple months later.” I swallow. It’s the most I have said about that and I am surprised I was able to put it into words. I never had to talk about it because the people that needed to know witnessed it. It’s harder than I thought it would be.
Amy takes my hand in hers, even though mine swallows hers up it still feels like she’s the one supporting me. She leans in and kisses my cheek; I relish in her softness against me.
“I’m so sorry, Darius. That must have been really hard. Well, I know it was.” Her smile is soft and knowing, it lights up her eyes as she looks at me.
I nod once, “Yeah.”
Her fingers curl up into my hair and her nails rake across my scalp, calming my body even more.
“People think you’re only mean and dangerous, but there’s so much more to you. Why do you let them think that?” She whispers.
I shrug and take her wrist, turning it to kiss her palm.
“Because it’s easier that way. It’s not their right to know me. It’s not anyone’s. When I left the Army, people expected me to be a basket case, I let them think that. The only guy who would understand that I wasn’t was dead.” I tell her.
She curls her lips in as the thinks. I move her to sit in my lap. I need to feel her against me. Her softness, the pulse in her body, inhale her sweet scent. Her arms wrap around my bicep.
“You let me know you. Why?” Her voice is soft, like she is still in disbelief.
I wish she knew how special she is. How amazing she really is. But I can’t only tell her that, I’d have to show her.
“Because… it feels right.” It’s the only thing I can come up to say, not much else would make sense.
“Darius,” she pulls back to look at me. Her lips twitch as she thinks, and her body grows tense. I grip her tighter like it will help, and she relaxes only slightly.
“I think I’ve been in love with you for a long time. And I didn’t know you until now. But I always knew that there was more to you, and I still want to know all of you, Darius. Even the bad stuff.” She bites her bottom lip and it sends a sharp sensation down my spine. Both at what she said and how beautiful she looked saying it.
I don’t feel like I deserve her. Not one bit.
I cup her cheek and run my thumb under her eyes. She leans into my touch and practically starts purring.
“I never thought myself capable of love, Amy.” I admit.
She licks her lips and repositions herself on me. “You don’t have to say it back. That’s not why I told you.”
“I know. I guess the difference is that I want to.” I wrap my arms around her waist and pull her body flush against me as I kiss her.
I start off slow, slower than I thought I could. I just feel her lips pulsing against mine and her softness melting me. I deepen the kiss to swipe my tongue over her lips, tasting even more of her. She relaxes against me, the mounds of her tits soft on my chest as I feel her warmth still seeping through. My cock stirs under us, but I hold it at bay. I just want to kiss her, feel her against me. I have shared more with her than I even thought I had, and it’s like more of me is just waiting to show itself to her. I have never loved anyone before. I never saw myself feeling that way either, but the way I want to hold her now and never let her go tells me that I must be in love with her. It’s the only plausible explanation. But I’m too afraid to tell her now, in case I mess things up. It might be better if she never knew. It would hurt less.
After what seems like forever, I break the kiss, out of breath and panting slightly. She rests her head on my chest and we sit there for a bit.
“How long will you be gone?” She asks, breaking the silence.
“I don’t know.” I sigh. “Hopefully not too long.” I tell her. I can’t exactly say I’d be back sooner if I out right beat those sons of bitches up. I don’t necessarily want to do that anyway.
“What do you have to go do anyway?” She asks. Amy pulls back to look at me and her eyes pin me down. She must know what kind of effect she has on me otherwise she wouldn’t do that.
“You know what the club’s enforcers do.” I tell her.
She licks her lips and narrows her eyes. “Yeah.”
I shrug my shoulders. It’s like if I tell her, she will change her mind about me or something. But I know that is just my fear talking.
“The Devil’s Princes have been fighting our turf for a while now. We’ve tried to be peaceful. So, we’re taking other measures.”
“Why do you have to do it?”
“Because,” I say. I leave it at that, and she frowns slightly. But she knows that is all I can tell her. It has to be for now. Cause God forbid the cops come around asking questions, it’s better if she never knew.
“Fine. Just be careful.”
I nod, “I’ll call you every day.” I promise her.
I kiss her again, but I don’t plan on leaving just like that. I lift her light body up and carry her to the couch, the closest place. I memorize her body with my hands and mouth again and do my best job of making love to her. I’ve never done it before, so I wouldn’t know, but she seems pretty satisfied with it. I hold her tightly to me and kiss her like it’s all I know how to do.
“I do love you, Amy. So fucking much.” I close my eyes as my lips hover over hers. I breathe her in as she stills against me in surprise. My cock is still inside her, all emptied out.
“I know, Darius.” She exhales deeply. Her chest rises and presses to me.
I groan deep in my chest as I kiss her again. My arm
s wrap around her like a vice as I keep her close to me, so close her heart beat is against mine. The moment is so perfect, I don’t want it to end. I thought I could keep it to myself and be fine. But I knew I couldn’t leave without telling her, knowing something could happen to me. And she deserves to know that I love her. Somehow, the best way I can, I love her.
“Stay the night. Please.” She whispers against me. Her voice is so soft and vulnerable I find it hard to deny her. I pull back to look in her eyes and they plead with me.
“I’ll be gone before you wake up,” I warn her.
“I know.” Her lips twitch. Mine do too, except with a smile.
“Good.”
She giggles softly and bucks against me. We have another round and then I carry her upstairs. I pretty much have to from how exhausted she is. But we have enough energy to shower together. She washes my hair and then I wash her from head to toe. It feels nice, someone else taking care of me like this.
We climb in her bed naked and I hold her against me. I hope that I will still be able to get up in the morning, but I know that I have to. The club and Amy are the only things I care about, my family including Olivia. For such a long time it was just the club and my broken family, but now I see how broken pieces can fit together because I’m one of them.
I hold Amy as I promised and she falls asleep before me, her soft snores are cute as she has her mouth half open. I’m completely wired and don’t think I’ll be falling asleep anytime soon, I might leave without ever sleeping. But I don’t want to go too soon. It reminds me that I really have someone to come back to now, and that I have to be careful while I’m gone. Whatever it takes, I have to stop the Devil’s Princes because the club depends on me, what my father built, and no one knows about. I might tell Amy one day, but I don’t know when, I just know that I want to.
Until the sun comes up, I hold her as she sleeps against me and I didn’t get a wink of sleep before I get up slowly and get dressed to leave. I kiss her forehead, remind her I love her and hope she can hear me in her dreams, before I leave in silence.
15
Amy
As I suspected, Darius is gone when I wake up. I miss him immediately and am already worried about him, but I know I shouldn’t call. He said he would talk to me when he can, and I expect him to be busy while he is there. It just worries me that he might get hurt. I know what he does is dangerous, otherwise questionable, and he does it because he is loyal to the club. But I wish there was another way. As much as I know about the club, I know some things are inevitable. And if Paige can get past it as a lawyer, I can certainly figure something out. I trust Darius, though, I know that he has a pretty sound reasoning, and I love him too.
I’m glad that I told him even though I was apprehensive about it at first. Darius is much different than other men, very private, and I’m not surprised he doesn’t know much about love either. But I trust that he loves me, in his own way, and that we can only get to know each other more.
Eventually I roll out of bed, tired as hell. I forgot about starting work again today, but I wasn’t about to miss out on any time with Darius either. I like working at the clinic, even though I have graduated now and it’s different. But it’s something to do, somewhere to go, I think. I shower and what not before having oatmeal for breakfast and making an iced coffee to go.
Once I get to work, I answer the texts from Tish and Danielle that I left since I got them yesterday. They just wanted to know how things went with Darius and our date. I’ve hung out with them and talked to them less because I’m starting to realize even more that they aren’t very good friends. It was nice in medical school because I had study partners and people who understood how hard it was but now it’s just a bane, unless they want to change, I’ll slowly retreat from them.
My mind is occupied with Darius. Last night was really special, like a breakthrough of some sort. Both being tied up and the sweet love making on the couch. I’m surprised he can be as tender as he was, with how rough he can usually be. But I don’t think it’s rough, I think he is just passionate and has his own way of liking things and I’m starting to like it too. Knowing he’s all I have ever had and all I probably ever will have is special to me. I have never been glad to have waited before.
I’m so distracted I almost put a patient file in the wrong place, but I luckily caught myself. Once I leave for dinner, Kit calls me, and I get the same sinking feeling I’ve had since I started up with Darius.
“Hello?” I answer anyway.
“Hey sis, what are you up to?” He asks. He sounds more chipper than normal.
“Um, leaving work. You?” I get into my car and run the engine, so it cools down.
“I’m still at the office.”
“Wow, you’re so old now.” I giggle softly.
“I know, it’s insane. I don’t know how this happened. But do you want to grab some dinner?”
“Aren’t you eating with Emily?” I ask him. I pull out onto the road and am stuck in town traffic soon after. Just from people driving too slowly.
“I still have time for my sister.” He laughs.
“Okay, sure.” I smile. And then I feel nervous right away at being around him and not spilling the beans. I should wait until Darius and I do it together and can be united in it, that way Kit will take this more seriously.
“I’ll bring something by the house.” He says. I hang up soon after so I can focus on driving. I’m not very good at multitasking.
I get home around six like usual, taking off my scrubs and putting them in the wash right away before I take a quick shower. I’m around sick and questionable people all day, it’s a must. I put on leggings and long-sleeved college tee. By the time I reach the landing of the stairs, Kit is keying his way in.
“You still have your house key?” I meet him in the foyer. He looks different in his suit, even with the tie loosened and stuff. But I have almost gotten used to his new corporate side.
“Yeah, it’s still my house.” Is his response.
I’m going to have to keep that in mind for later, that he can still come in whenever he wants to.
“I brought sushi.” We head to the kitchen and he takes black plastic containers out of a plastic bag.
“Nice.” I grab the edamame and Kit takes the rest of the food over to the small dining table.
“So, Emily was busy tonight or something?” I eat a shrimp tempura.
“Um, yeah she’s with her dad.”
“Oh, so I am the backup plan?” I joke with him. He shrugs and more or less agrees.
“When are you two getting married anyway?” I joke with him because I know he hates that.
“I don’t know. I’m too young. And all this stuff with the company is taking up more of my time than I thought. Plus, the club too.” He sighs.
I keep eating, I skipped lunch and I’m starving.
“I get it.” I sigh. My phone dings on the table and he glances at it before I do because it sounds a lot like his sitting right next to it.
“Why is Darius texting you?” I grab my phone before he can see the preview text or anything.
“Um, I don’t know.” I ignore the text and don’t read it. My heart pounds in my chest for a good few beats, the salt of my food flooding my mouth.
“Weird.” Kit makes a face and chuckles.
“What’s weird?” I ask. I don’t think he suspects us but I’m still not sure what he means by that.
“I mean clearly there’s nothing else going on. It’s Darius we’re talking about. That dude is odd.” He scoffs and sips his beer.
“But he’s your friend?” I remind him. He shrugs and nods once.
“Yeah, I know. He’s my best friend, and that’s why I confidently have that opinion about him. But it’s not his fault though.”
I blink. Of all the things I know about Darius I could say the same thing. And that is in fact a proper description of him.
“Yeah.” I agree softly.
My heart finally st
ops beating out of my chest and I can drink my water calmly again. I thought he would figure us out. But lucky for me, Darius isn’t known to be with women, publicly at least, so the last suspicion is that he is texting me something romantic.
“You should hang out with Emily and I some time. She asks about you.” Kit says.
“In all your free time?” I joke. He makes a face and shrugs. I was happy when he first met Emily. He doesn’t do relationships in general, but I was even more worried about him after our parents died. I thought he’d never be able to open up properly. But ever since I met Emily half naked in our kitchen, things were looking up for him and now they have been together happily for a while.
“I’ll find some. I’ve been teaching her how to golf.” He says.
He has started doing the kind of recreational stuff Dad would drag us to do when he had company parties and stuff. We grew up very comfortable and it is because of the company our parents built. I could never manage to work for them, though. That corporate stuff would just drag me. I’m more into science, clearly.
“Okay, cool.” I imagine Darius hanging out with all of us and while it’s an odd picture, he fits in there somewhere. I can only hope that things go well when I tell Kit.
It threatens to come spilling out of me the whole night and I have to force it away. Darius has enough to worry about with that rival club thing, and I don’t want to push him away. As soon as Kit leaves, I am thinking about Darius even more.
I check his text and he only said he should only be there for a few days.
Amy: Good.
I copy his word. He has a limited vocabulary by choice, and I find it endearing. Being with him is like peeling an onion, piece by piece he just keeps getting better.
Darius: I miss you.
I read his words with a smile and imagine him saying something else. I know him well enough to know that he probably wouldn’t text it or even say it out loud much.
Amy: Me too. I love you.
I get ready for bed and that’s the last text I get from him, saying goodnight. I have an early day tomorrow. I go from thinking about him to where I will accept my residency. I know I have to make a decision soon but it’s so hard, since I have other factors to consider now. I know I shouldn’t be staying for a man, but it would be so easy to choose Darius, and family.