‘You really did get me there. So cruel! Let’s order some drinks quickly so that if I say something stupid again, I can blame it on the alcohol.’
‘Good idea. Same goes for me too!’
‘Great! What are you drinking?’
As we waited for the main courses to arrive, we talked about our day. Whilst mine was fairly uneventful, just drawing some boring illustrations for a magazine subscription advert, Josh’s Tuesday seemed much more interesting.
He said he’d woken up at 6 a.m. to work on something and had locked himself away for twelve hours to focus on it before coming to meet me.
‘Let me get this straight: on your day off, you voluntarily woke up at six a.m?’
‘Yep,’ he said.
‘Are you mad?’
‘No!’ he chuckled.
‘Hmm. I’m intrigued. There’s not many things that would get me out of bed at six. Never mind on a day of rest. Must have been important,’ I said, hoping that he’d reveal more.
‘It definitely is,’ he said. Nope. Clearly he didn’t get the hint. Time to be more direct.
‘So, what was it, then? DIY?’
‘Nope,’ he replied blankly. Still nothing. This was like getting blood from a stone.
‘Gardening?’ I suggested.
‘Nope. Although I should have actually, as my garden is getting a bit overgrown,’ he said.
‘Okay,’ I said, throwing my hands in the air. ‘I give in. I’ve got nothing. What were you working on Josh?’
‘Erm,’ he said, shifting in his seat. He seemed to do that a lot. In fact, whenever I asked him questions about himself. Was he hiding something? ‘Do you mind if I don’t say? It’s just—it’s kind of a private thing. I don’t really like talking about it. Not just yet anyway.’ His eyes darted downwards.
‘Oh, right. I see. Fair enough,’ I said, my stomach sinking. I felt a little hurt that I’d poured my heart out on Saturday and revealed lots of personal things about myself to him, but he didn’t feel he could trust me enough to do the same.
Whilst I’d try my best to respect his privacy, if he was genuinely interested in me and if whatever this was could have any hope of going further, I had to know more about him. So far, all I knew was that he worked in Cuppa, was thirty-seven years old and was a good listener. That was it. A conversation had to work both ways. As much as I liked Josh, he was going to have to open up and give me something.
‘So…if you’re not able to tell me about the secret project you work on at home, at least tell me a bit more about you. Like your work at Cuppa. You’ve only been there a few weeks now, so where were you working before? You seem like the kind of guy that was either working somewhere much bigger or has chosen to be there whilst you work on something bigger. You know, like how you hear about actors and actresses waiting tables whilst they go to auditions, as they have dreams of making it big in Hollywood?’ I said.
His face turned cold. Was he angry? I wondered if what I’d said had come across badly. What if he’d always been a barista and enjoyed it? I didn’t want to insult him by implying there was something wrong with working in a coffee shop. I wasn’t like that. I respected anyone who got out there and earned a living, whether it was as a barista, bartender or an actor.
‘Sorry,’ I added quickly. ‘I hope that I didn’t offend you. I wasn’t saying that it isn’t a good job—’
‘It’s okay. I know what you meant,’ he said. ‘And, yes, you’re right. It is something I’m doing whilst I work on something else. And, yes, you could say I was working in a “big” job before I came to Cuppa.’
‘Oh, thank God for that! Not thank God you had a big job or—’ Take your foot out your mouth, Emily. ‘I mean, thank God I didn’t offend you.’
‘Don’t worry. You didn’t. I guess I’m not so great about talking about myself, but yeah.’ He took a deep breath. ‘I used to be a lawyer.’
‘A lawyer?’ That surprised me. It didn’t seem very Josh.
‘Yep. A fully fledged, suited and booted lawyer.’
‘That’s interesting. You don’t strike me as the corporate type…’ My voice trailed off as I thought about the assumptions that guy at speed dating had made about me. At least I wasn’t judging Josh negatively purely based on his looks.
‘I’m not. I wasn’t. I went into law after—well, let’s just say I went into it because I saw how people can be taken for a ride without the right guidance, so I had all these idealistic visions about helping people. But somewhere down the line, after I qualified and landed a job at a fancy firm in the city, I got caught up in the whole corporate world. Rather than helping people in need, which was always the plan, I got sucked into the trap of climbing the career ladder. Obsessed with rising to the next level. I was representing horrible, greedy people. I didn’t realise it at the time, but I sacrificed myself and my integrity just to get the next promotion.’
‘Oh,’ I said, taking a gulp of my Sex on the Beach. ‘That sounds horrible.’
‘It was. But when you’re on the hamster wheel, you’re none the wiser. You bounce from one successful case to another. My bosses loved me because I was committed. If I take something on, I give it my all. I never want to fail. So I’d work until eleven o’clock at night—sometimes even until three in the morning—to make sure I’d done everything possible to win a case. They saw that and took advantage. Well, it’s my fault. I let them. Before I knew it I was on call 24/7. Late nights became weekends. Working seven days a week became the norm rather than the exception. It was my life. As the years passed and my track record grew, they kept dangling the carrot of making partner and I continued working my arse off.’
‘So what happened? What led to you making the change and leaving?’
‘I suppose as I became more and more exhausted, getting up in the morning got harder. My friends had always said I was working too much and was losing myself. Eventually I started to realise they were right. Every day I stepped through those doors, I lost a little bit more of my soul. But the real wake-up call came after my grandma.’
‘Your grandma?’ I frowned. His expression suddenly changed. It was like a wave of sadness washed over him. I wondered if it was a good idea to keep discussing this. Maybe I’d let him carry on, and if it was too much, I was sure he’d let me know.
‘I used to always see my grandma on a Sunday evening for dinner,’ Josh continued. ‘But one Sunday morning, I got a call from the boss. Some potential clients were coming over from New York. If we landed this account, it would “transform the firm,” he said. “Get this account and you’ll definitely make partner,” he said. “I just need you to meet with them this afternoon. Shouldn’t take long. You’ll be done by six. Seven at the latest,” he said. I agreed to it, but only on the condition that I’d be done by seven as I always went to see my grandma. Always.’
‘So did you leave on time?’
‘No.’ His voice cracked. ‘I was still with them at eight. I told them as politely as I could that I needed to wrap it up, but they said there were a few more things they needed to run through. By the time we finally finished at ten thirty, it was too late to see her. I called to apologise and said I’d come on Wednesday, which was the other day she liked me to visit to have her home-made soup. But she died unexpectedly that Tuesday night and I never got to see her alive again. All because I’d agreed to that stupid meeting. To land a deal. Just to make partner.’ His eyes began to water.
‘I’m so sorry, Josh.’ I desperately wanted to reach out and hold his hand or give him a hug. Anything to try and comfort him.
‘Yeah,’ he said, trying to compose himself. ‘Nothing like the death of one of the people you love most in the world to make you realise what’s really important in life. I was on autopilot the next day. Dragged myself into work, walked straight into my boss’s office, told him I was leaving and walked out.’
‘Bloody hell! What did he say?’
‘I didn’t wait around to listen. I remember him being shock
ed, but I couldn’t have cared less. I didn’t have to do it in person. I could have just not showed up. But grandma always taught me to be respectful, and under the circumstances, telling him face-to-face, even though it was in an abrupt way, was the best I could manage.’
‘I’m surprised you could even get out of bed,’ I said. God knows how he went to work that day. ‘I’d be a wreck if I lost someone so close to me.’
‘I was. After I left the office, I stumbled to the park and sat there. For hours. Staring into space. I couldn’t get my head around her not being here anymore. And I felt sick that I’d missed the chance to see her because of work. Because of a job I didn’t even enjoy. I’d wasted years of my life doing something I hated, and I couldn’t waste another minute. I needed to follow my dream. And so that’s what I’m doing now. That’s what I’m working on.’
‘Wow, Josh,’ I said, trying to think of the right words. ‘I don’t know what to say. I’m so sorry you lost her. I’m sure she would have been proud of you, though.’
‘Yeah,’ he said, managing a smile. ‘She was my biggest supporter. She loved to… she was sad that I’d stopped and used to always encourage me to pursue it again. But there was just no time for it when I was at the firm. It was too full-on. I was exhausted. It stifled my creativity.’
‘Creativity?’ I asked, pleased that he’d unwittingly given me a clue. ‘So it’s something creative, then?’ He did his chair shifting thing again. ‘Sorry. I didn’t mean to pry. You said you don’t want to talk about it, so I’ll respect your decision.’
I really, really wanted to know, but pushing him probably wasn’t a good idea. I just had to try my best not to overthink and trust that he’d open up and tell me the full story. Hopefully sooner rather than later.
‘Thanks. I appreciate that. It’s a big deal for me. It’s my life. It’s what I really want to do, and now I am.’
‘Good for you. So did you start working on it straight away?’
‘No. After leaving the firm, I took time out. Didn’t work for a few months. I was exhausted. Working that hard for so many years really messed with my body, my health and my mind. And then add to that the grief. It was a disastrous cocktail. I had some really dark days. There’s no way I could have worked. Thankfully, I had savings. That’s the by-product of selling your soul. Having money meant I was able to survive for months without working, invest some cash in my future and make things happen. But doing it right, the way I want to, takes both time and money, so I had to get another job. And I didn’t want something that would get in the way of what I need to do to get everything fully off the ground.’
‘So that’s why you work at Cuppa?’
‘Yep. I start at seven and I’m usually finished by two, so I have most of the rest of the day to focus on it.’
‘And how is it going?’
‘Actually, it’s great. When I’m doing it, I feel like me, you know? Like this is what I was always meant to do. It’s my calling. And things are progressing well. I received really good news earlier about an opportunity that could really help things take off.’ His face lit up.
‘Sounds amazing!’
‘It really is! It’s a long journey and really hard to achieve success because it’s super competitive, but I’m not giving up. I’m really proud of my work and the feedback so far is encouraging. It feels right. Like it’s my time now.’
‘Well, you sound really passionate about it, so keep going. Whatever it is, I hope it all takes off in a massive way, Josh, I really do. And I admire you for taking that leap and chasing your dream.’ I thought about all the people who’d talked about wanting to do this or do that but never made it happen. A bit like me. Yeah, I’d left the agency and gone freelance, but I hadn’t followed through with my goal to do work that I enjoyed. I wished I could be as brave as him. ‘Can’t have been easy walking away from a big, well-paid job, when you were so close to making partner.’
‘Money isn’t important to me.’ He shook his head. ‘Obviously I need to live, but all the rest is bullshit. It sounds lame, but it’s people and being happy that matter. My boss couldn’t understand that. He thought I was nuts. They tried for weeks to convince me to come back. Said I needed to at least work my notice, but I soon pointed out some things that made them see why it would be better to let me leave rather than fight me on it. The irony is that we won the big New York account and they still tried to persuade me to stay. Offered me partner and a shedload of money. I could have named my price. Had whatever salary I wanted. But my happiness was worth more than they could ever pay me.’
‘Sounds like you did the right thing,’ I said. ‘I’m really happy for you.’
Josh sat there smiling and completely silent. Was something I’d just said funny? I thought I was being quite deep. Oh gosh. Why was he grinning?
‘What’s up?’ I said.
He smiled again and held my gaze.
‘Nothing,’ he said.
More silence.
Perhaps I should say something to fill it? Normally the conversation just flowed so freely between us.
‘Thank you for opening up,’ I said. ‘For telling me more about you.’
He reached over the table and gently placed his hands on top of mine. As I felt the heat coming from his palms, it was as if I’d been struck by lightning.
My heart started racing.
‘No,’ he said, holding my gaze. ‘Thank you for listening and for respecting that I’m not ready to talk about everything just yet. It means a lot.’
‘You’re welcome,’ I said, staring into his eyes. God, those eyes…
‘I’ve been waiting for the right moment to say this… it’s not easy for me to do, but after the conversation we’ve just had, now seems like the perfect time to tell you that—’
‘Boeuf bourguignon? For you, sir? And coq au vin for you, madame?’ said the waiter, resting our mains on the table. Josh quickly lifted his hands away to make room for the plates.
Nooooo!
Why did the waiter have to bring the food right at that second? Josh was about to say something. Something good, I think? He had an extra sparkle in his eyes. Goddammit.
‘Salt and pepper?’ asked the waiter.
‘I’m fine, thanks,’ said Josh.
‘Any more drinks?’
‘We’re okay at the moment,’ I said, wishing that he’d leave so we could continue our conversation.
‘Would you like any more water for the table?’ the waiter added.
Mr Waiter, I whispered in my head, I know you’re trying to be helpful, but please, pretty please, can you go now? We were right in the middle of something…
‘We’re fine, thank you. Everything is fine. But if we need anything, we’ll let you know,’ said Josh politely.
‘Wonderful. Okay. Great, well, if you’re sure there’s nothing else, I’ll let you enjoy your meal. Bon appetit!’ he said before darting back towards the kitchen.
‘I thought he was never going to leave,’ I laughed.
‘I know! He certainly was keen. Must be new. Not used to picking up on when two people want to be alone. That won’t be good for their Most Romantic Restaurant status!’ He chuckled. ‘Anyway, this looks amazing. I’m starving! All I’ve had to eat today was two slices of toast and a muffin.’
‘Blueberry, by any chance?’
‘Yep,’ he replied.
‘Such a copycat!’
‘Well, you have one every morning, so I wanted to see what all the fuss was about.’
‘And?’
‘Delicious!’ he said. ‘I’m hooked. But if I keep eating those, I’ll have to step up my gym routine,’ he said, patting his toned stomach.
‘Looks fine to me,’ I said. Josh smiled and held my gaze again. ‘So—you were about to say something before?’ I asked. He glanced down at his plate.
‘Oh, nothing. It was nothing,’ he said. ‘Come on, let’s eat our food before it gets cold.’
It was as if we’d inhaled our main co
urses and the tarte tatin we’d had for dessert, because before I knew it, we’d left the restaurant and were outside my flat.
‘So…here we are again,’ said Josh, standing in front of me.
‘Yes, indeed. Here we are,’ I said. ‘And I’m actually able to stand on my own two feet this time. Bonus!’
‘Yes, I must say, you handled your drink much better tonight.’
‘I did, didn’t I? Perhaps I’ve become a middleweight, rather than a lightweight!’
Josh stepped towards me and brushed a stray curl away from my face.
‘You’re beautiful Emily,’ he said. ‘So stunning, kind and funny and smart.’
‘Tha—’
Before I had a chance to say thanks, Josh had pulled me into him and gently placed his lips on mine.
As we kissed, it was like the whole world was spinning. Round and round. Faster and faster. Like the wheels of a Ferrari speeding around a racetrack.
Wow.
Maybe I’d spoken too soon about being able to stand on my own two feet.
I felt a rush of blood shoot towards my head and as he wrapped his arms around my waist, my whole body tingled.
Wow. Wow. Wow.
I parted my lips and his tongue slid effortlessly inside, gently flicking against mine. His breath was so sweet, and as his kisses grew stronger and stronger, I began to feel him against me.
Oh my God.
I couldn’t help it. My hands began to wander. Down his firm back (he definitely worked out), then across his bum. That beautiful, taught, sculpted bottom I’d admired many times from afar. It was solid like a Roman statue. So hot.
‘Wow,’ he said, easing away for a second. He pushed me against the front door and started kissing me passionately again.
I want this man so badly. And I mean, really badly.
I wanted him upstairs. I wanted him in my bed. I wanted him inside me. But I liked Josh. A lot. Somehow I felt that Chloe might be right. Josh could be special. And if he was, I didn’t want to rush into things. I couldn’t sleep with him on our first date. Or even our second. We had to take our time. I needed to get to know him. Properly. I needed to be sure that I could trust him. I couldn’t get hurt. I couldn’t go through that pain. Not again. It would destroy me.
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