‘Oh, Em, he really is. He’s such a gentleman. He treats me like a lady, you know? So respectful, so lovely, so…gosh, sorry. I’m gushing! I can’t help it. I feel nineteen again. Minus the baby bump, of course.’
‘Well, conception might happen tomorrow by the sounds of things…’
‘Stop it!’ she said, slapping me playfully. ‘I’m not sure about having any more kids. We’ll just have to see how it goes. Early days, so I don’t want to get ahead of myself. Well, I’ll remind myself of that tomorrow, when hopefully my head has disappeared into the clouds after we’ve slept together.’
‘Oh yes, I know the feeling of getting swept away after sex,’ I said.
‘Yes, yes!’ she screamed. ‘So tell me! How was it? What happened last night?’
I filled her in on the amazing time Josh and I had spent together, followed by him rushing off in the morning.
‘Hmmm,’ said Kat. ‘I can understand why you feel upset. You have the perfect night, you wake up and have visions of having round three, followed by breakfast gazing into each other’s eyes and whispering sweet nothings across the kitchen table, but instead, he jumps up and says he wishes he’d left sooner! I mean, yeah, he could have had stuff to do, like I don’t know what exactly at that time, but maybe he was genuinely just late to do something?’
‘Yeah, maybe,’ I said, not entirely convinced.
‘The never meeting on Fridays or Saturdays thing is a bit weird, though. Do you know where he lives, Em? Have you ever been to his house?’
‘No, I haven’t. Not yet. He lives in Vauxhall, though, so not too far away.’
‘Hmm. Okay. Kind of reminds me of a guy I was dating years ago who was really cagey and could never meet me at weekends. Turned out he had a secret family in tow. He’d have his kids stay over at weekends and didn’t want me to know. Which was strange, as he knew I had children, so I don’t know why he lied.’
‘What, you’re saying you think Josh is hiding a secret family from me? That he has kids?’ I said, my brain whirring.
‘I’ve got no idea. I’m just saying what happened to me. He’s definitely hiding something, though. I get that he’s working on this secret dream thing, but you need to find out more about him and what he’s not telling you before you get any deeper.’
‘I know. It’s driving me crazy! I don’t think Josh has a secret family, though. I mean, we spoke about it. He said he didn’t really have any close relatives in London.’
‘Well, maybe they live outside of London and come down to see him at the weekends,’ said Kat.
My head was spinning.
‘No. It can’t be that. Can it?’ I said.
‘Look, there’s no point us sitting here and guessing. Especially as we’re both overthinkers. You need to speak to him. Ask him. Outright. But in the meantime, don’t over-obsess or think about it. Keep yourself busy. Don’t you have any of Chloe’s activities coming up?’
‘Yeah, kind of. Tomorrow. Nothing in the daytime—I’d hoped to spend that with Josh, but I’ve got a gig tomorrow night. Which is something I set up myself.’
‘Well, that sounds good,’ said Kat, taking a sip of her drink. ‘It seems like you and Josh have practically been seeing each other every day—well, apart from Fridays and Saturdays, of course. And whilst that’s all wonderful, you have to still keep some of your independence. Don’t revolve around him or get swept away too much. Still make time to do your own thing.’
That was a good point. I’d missed the last life drawing class because I’d been out with Josh, so I really should stick to those to make sure I was doing something for myself at least once a week.
‘You’re right. Maybe I’ll see if Chloe fancies meeting up tomorrow for brunch and then I’ll go home, play some music as I take my time getting ready and then head to the show.’
I was really excited about it. It had been years since I’d been to a gig.
‘Good plan! Who are you seeing?’ asked Kat.
‘Sounds strange, but I’m not sure,’ I said.
‘You’re going to a concert and you don’t know who you’re seeing?’ Kat frowned.
‘Yeah, it’s this thing called Sofar Sounds. I found out about it through Spotify. You choose the area you want to go to, but the actual location of the gig is a secret and they don’t reveal the address until the day before. It’s always an intimate venue, so sometimes it’s someone’s living room, or it could be somewhere cool like a rooftop in the city,’ I said, taking a sip of my drink. Actually, that reminded me: I should have checked my personal email for the details. The organisers would have sent them by now. ‘Yeah, so once you find out where it is, then you go and watch a surprise line-up of artists. They’ve had people like James Bay and Bastille playing there in the past, so it’s really exciting.’
‘Very cool! Chloe’s challenge has been life-changing for you, hasn’t it?’
‘It has, actually,’ I replied, thinking about how far I’d come.
‘How much longer do you have left?’
‘Tomorrow officially marks the end of the challenge. It’s gone by so fast. Don’t tell her I said this, as her head will explode and she’ll start her I told you so speech, but it’s been totally worth it. I haven’t been on social media properly for God knows how long and I haven’t even looked at any dating apps.’
‘Well, no need for them now that you’re seeing Josh…’
‘Yep! He’s amazing,’ I said, forgetting what had happened this morning, then quickly remembering again. ‘Oh God! Do you really think he’s got a secret family?’
‘No idea. There’s only one way to find out and that’s to ask him. But like I said, try not to focus on Josh for now. Text Chloe and set up your lunch tomorrow, then go and enjoy your gig.’
‘Will do. I’ll have some me time this weekend, and then if I see Josh on Monday, I’ll ask him. I need to know what he’s hiding. Once and for all.’
Chapter Twenty-Four
T-shirt and jeans. That’ll do. I’d better bring a jumper too just in case. It had been a while since I’d been to a gig, but I did remember that there was no telling how hot or cold it would be inside, so comfortable layers were always best.
Tonight I was going to my first Sofar Sounds event. When I’d checked my emails last night, the organisers had confirmed the secret residential location. I was excited to find out whether it would be in a flat or a house and what the bands would be like. Wherever it was and whoever was playing, I promised myself to forget about my worries for one night and just embrace every moment.
As everyone could bring their own food and drink, I stuffed my mini cans of pre-mixed Southern Comfort and lemonade and some snacks in my bag, along with a cushion to sit on just in case all the seating had gone by the time I arrived. It probably would have now as I should have left fifteen minutes ago, but I’d been on a bit of a go-slow, mulling over Kat’s comments from last night and Chloe’s thoughts from this afternoon.
On the whole, Chloe agreed with Kat. Whilst nothing was impossible, she wasn’t convinced about the secret family thing, even remembering that when we’d first seen Josh, it was a Saturday. But then we reasoned that if they really did exist, they might have been on holiday that weekend. In the end she concluded, like Kat, that I just had to ask him.
As much as her gut feeling still said Josh was one of the good guys, she did admit that the fact I hadn’t heard from him since he’d rushed out of the door on Friday morning wasn’t exactly helping his case.
I’d been over and over it in my head a million times. Questioning why he hadn’t messaged or called when a quick hi only took a second to write and whether I should call him. In the end, I decided to just focus on myself. So after I’d got home from brunch with Chloe, I’d set a lovely bubble bath, lit some candles, put on some music and just relaxed.
Trouble was, I was so relaxed, I fell asleep. And woke up at six forty-five—the time I was supposed to leave to get there for seven-thirty, which the organisers had recomm
ended. I’d got ready and out the door in half an hour, but considering this was going to be a nice chilled night and no dressing up or make-up were really required, technically, I should have been able to do it in half the time. Instead, I wasted it on overthinking.
I got on the tube. 7.20. Shouldn’t take more than half an hour to get to Old Street. Then according to Google Maps, it was nine minutes to walk to the mystery house or flat or whatever it was. If it started at eight, which I guessed it did, as they always liked you to get there a bit earlier, then I should still be okay.
Why aren’t we moving? We’ve been sat here for at least five minutes. Come on…
We still haven’t moved. I’m going to be so late.
‘Apologies ladies and gentlemen,’ the driver’s voice blared through the carriage. ‘We’re being held at a red signal due to a passenger being taken ill on the train in front. We hope to be moving shortly.’
It was 7.37 and I was barely halfway. I was going to get there and there would be nowhere left to sit. They might even turn me away. Dammit.
7.59. I was outside the station. Directions. What was wrong with my phone? Why was there no reception? Seriously? Not now. Not when I’m late. And I was dying to go to the toilet. Like, I needed to wee really badly. It would be just my luck to turn up late and wet myself.
Shit.
Okay, okay. It was 8.11 and I was here.
‘So sorry I’m late,’ I whispered to the organiser as I stumbled through the door. Wow, this place was impressive. A loft apartment, and from what I could see from the limited view of the large room at the end of the hallway, it had stunning views. I started tapping my feet. The music sounded great too.
‘No worries. You’ve missed about ten minutes of the first artist, who’s amazing, but there’s still a couple of songs to go. It’s just in the living room, straight ahead at the end of the hall. There’s a teeny bit of space at the back, so you should be able to grab a seat there,’ she said.
Thank God. That was really kind of her. I know they liked everyone to be on time to avoid disrupting the artist’s performance, so I was really grateful that they still let me in and I didn’t have to wait until the interval.
‘Thanks so much! I will.’ I winced, crossing my legs, ‘but I desperately need to go to the loo first. I’m bursting!’
‘It’s just before you get to the living room on the right,’ she replied.
‘Thank you,’ I said, speed walking and ordering my bladder to hold on a few seconds longer.
The music boomed through the bathroom. The sound was incredible. So sharp, so clear, so raw. I wasn’t even in the room yet but could already tell that this was going to be so much better than being stuck in a stadium or massive commercial venue. As I sat down, I found my feet tapping away again.
Actually, I recognised this song from Spotify. Yes! I remember it was on the Discover Weekly playlist they’d sent me and I’d saved it straight away. I pictured the cover image. The black-and-white image of the guy with his back to the camera. I loved this song.
Hurry up! Why was it that whenever you were in a rush, your bladder seemed to decide that it wanted to empty literally every drop of water in your body? It was as if I’d drunk a hundred bottles of Evian and now had a never-ending flow. I needed to get out there before the song ended.
Too late. It was finished. Now he was talking. I liked when they did that. When the singer engaged with the audience. I pulled up my knickers and jeans, washed my hands and shut the door gently behind me.
‘The next song I’m going to sing was inspired by someone really special to me.’
Awww, sweet, I said to myself. I loved hearing about what led an artist to write a song and the inspiration behind it.
‘In fact, I only wrote and recorded it last week, so you guys are the first to hear it.’
Hold on.
That voice.
I recognised that voice.
It couldn’t be?
I walked into the room and nearly fainted.
‘It’s called “Rainbow”.’
Holy shit.
Sat at the head of the room on a stool, dressed in a white T-shirt, black waistcoat and jeans, clutching a guitar in front of several rows of people seated on the wooden flooring was him.
Josh.
What the hell?
I couldn’t believe what I was seeing.
Josh was a musician? An artist? That was his secret? His dream? That’s what he meant when he was talking about his creativity?
I slid down onto the floor in a corner at the back in a trance. I still couldn’t take it all in.
The way he’d gushed about the paintings at the museum and been so enthusiastic about my work, I’d thought perhaps he was an artist, as in a painter. Not an actual singer artist. I didn’t even know he could sing. Never mind play the keyboard that was sitting beside him, and of course the guitar he was strumming. There was a whole side of him that I knew absolutely nothing about.
Why didn’t he just tell me?
And he couldn’t be a complete beginner either. I’d played that song I heard him performing whilst I was in the bathroom to death about two months ago and I remembered seeing his Spotify following. Whenever I added someone new to a playlist, I enjoyed checking out their monthly listeners, seeing what they looked like, where they came from, what other songs they’d made, how many streams each song had… I found it fascinating. I couldn’t remember exactly, but I was sure for him it was something like half a million? Or maybe even a million?
I also remember being disappointed that his profile image didn’t show his face. Just the back of his head and shoulders.
That’s it! That’s what was familiar when he was facing away from me and putting stuff on the shelves at Cuppa. I knew I recognised something about him.
And there was no information about him in the bio either. I can’t even think what his name was. What did he call himself? Did he have a stage name? Or was that just for actors?
Before you, life was black and white
Now everything shines so bright…
God, he’s good. That voice! How could he keep this from me? Why did he want to? He was so talented. I would have supported him. Been happy for him. I didn’t get it?
Everything is in colour…
He said he wrote and recorded this song last week about someone that was special to him? Last week? How did you even finish a song that quickly? Didn’t it need to go through loads of music producer people or studios or something? I knew nothing about how this record stuff worked. I just liked listening and dancing to music. I hadn’t given the rest of it much thought before. I’d never had any need to.
Wait, did he just mention viewing his favourite art and picnicking in the park? That’s what we did. Was this…? Could this song be about me?
Your eyes, your smile,
Your curls, your style…
Shit! I think it is!
I love you and I want you to know
You are, darling, you are my rainbow…
I couldn’t move. I couldn’t breathe. This was so much to take in. Josh was a singer. Josh was here performing. Josh had written a song about me. Little old me? And wait: he loved me? I was his rainbow? Could it be true?
I pinched myself to check I wasn’t dreaming. Ouch! Squeezed a little too hard there. At least that confirmed that I was definitely awake. This was actually happening.
Bloody hell.
As he finished the final chord, he gazed into the crowd, grinning at the rapturous applause and whooping from the audience. Then it happened.
He saw me.
Our eyes met.
At first he frowned. Then squinted. Next his eyes bulged out of their sockets as he clearly struggled to believe that I was here. That I’d seen him. That his secret was out.
But then his face softened into a smile. He chuckled, shaking his head in a kind of what are the chances way and winked. I couldn’t be sure, but I sensed warmth. That maybe he was happy I was there
?
I felt butterflies dancing in my stomach, which jolted me out of my trance. I couldn’t quite decide how I was feeling. Shocked? You can say that again. Hurt? Yes. Angry? A little. He should have told me. Been honest. I’d opened up to him about my life. Why did he feel like he couldn’t do the same? Especially if he loved me.
Oh my God. He loves me!
Equally, though, I was relieved. If this was his secret, then it wasn’t bad at all. He probably didn’t have a secret family. I’m guessing he’d just been busy preparing for this gig. And man was he good. Bloody brilliant. His voice was so smooth. Soulful. Rich. Josh was super talented.
As well as all of the emotions swirling around me, I was also proud. This was my guy. And he’d written a song about me. Imagine that? I still couldn’t get over it. Well, at least I hoped it was about me. Otherwise, he had even more explaining to do…
The room fell silent as the crowd waited to hear what was coming next.
Josh got up from the stool and moved over to sit behind the keyboard.
‘This is my last song. It’s about another person who was a major part of my life who sadly passed away. It’s called “Make You Proud”.’
As he started playing, I took a second to look around the room. Until now, I’d been so fixated on Josh. There were at a guess around sixty people here. Some seated on the large squishy grey sofas, others on some dining room chairs, but most were sitting on cushions on the oak flooring. I’d completely forgotten about mine, which was tucked away in my bag. Well, I wasn’t exactly expecting to see Josh was one of tonight’s performers, was I? I took it out and slid it underneath me.
When I feel that it’s all too much
I keep going and tell myself I can’t give up
Because I wanna make you proud
If I’m trying to write a song,
Whenever everything feels like it’s going wrong
I tell myself I must stay strong
Love Offline Page 20