Because I wanna make you proud…
Oh my goodness. His grandma. Josh had written a song about his beloved grandma. As I listened to the lyrics, my heart began to melt.
Apart from the sound of his voice and the chords he was playing on the keyboard, the room was silent. Normally at a gig people are chatting with their friends, taking photos and posting on Insta rather than enjoying the artist and living in the moment. That wasn’t the case here. Everyone was giving Josh their full undivided attention. There was no conversation from the crowd. No unnecessary noise. You could literally hear a pin drop.
Josh was sat in front of the large floor-to-ceiling windows, which had a clear view of the London skyline, but it wasn’t the buildings the audience were struck by. Everyone was captivated, utterly mesmerised by his voice. Some were gently swaying to the beat. One lady put her arm around her boyfriend and rested her head on his shoulder. His music was touching people. Moving them. Evoking emotions. What a gift he had.
By the time he’d finished singing the last note, tears were streaming down my cheeks. The song was so beautiful. I felt every word. It summed up all the love I’d sensed he had for his grandma when he’d spoken about her that night in the restaurant. And the way he played those keys. Wow.
‘That’s all from me,’ Josh said, mopping his forehead with his hanky and standing up to address the crowd. ‘Thank you, Sofar, for having me, and thanks so much to each and every one of you for coming out tonight to support me. You’ve been an amazing audience. My name is JC, goodnight.’
The audience applauded and whooped. The clapping and cheering went on for so long that Josh began to blush. He put his hands together several times to give thanks. I had no doubt that the other two performers would be great, but even an established artist would find his performance a tough act to follow.
‘Give it up one more time for JC!’ said the host enthusiastically and the cheering continued. He patted Josh on the back and explained to the audience that there would now be a ten-minute break before the next act appeared.
Ten minutes wasn’t a lot of time, but it was enough for us to at least have a brief conversation. As proud and as bowled over I was with what I’d just witnessed, I still needed answers from Josh. Why had he kept this from me? And what other secrets did he have? I needed an explanation. And I needed it now.
Chapter Twenty-Five
‘Hey, Em,’ said Josh as he walked towards me, then took my hands in his.
‘You were amazing, man! Amazing!’ said a guy from the audience as he headed to the bathroom.
‘Ah, thanks. Thanks so much.’ Josh smiled.
‘Can we go somewhere to chat, please?’ I said quietly. This was so awkward and confusing. On the one hand, I wanted him to take a moment to soak this all up. Take in the praise and admiration from the audience. He’d given an amazing performance and was probably on a high, so I didn’t want to rain on his parade. But on the other, my head was spinning, crying out for answers, and I didn’t want to wait any longer to get them.
‘Sure. I know this is probably a big shock and you’ve got loads of questions, and of course I’ll explain. It’s just, I can’t right now, though,’ he replied softly. ‘I need to clear away my stuff to make way for the next artist and watch them perform. It’s important for us to support each other. But I can sit with you. That is if you can bear to be beside me?’
Whilst I was disappointed, I had to admit that made sense. Everyone was here to watch the artists perform. Josh was here pursuing his dream. Trying to make a good impression. Whatever the reason he’d hidden this from me, I didn’t want to jeopardise his future. I would just need to be patient. Wait a bit longer. In the grand scheme of things, I supposed another hour wouldn’t make a difference. I shrugged my shoulders without saying a word, which Josh took as a green light, because after he’d picked up his keyboard, the stand and his guitar, then taken them into the room opposite the bathroom, he came back and squeezed into the gap next to me.
Josh was so close I could taste his fresh, woody scent. I really wanted to throw my arms around him. To kiss him. It was only yesterday morning that we’d seen each other, but somehow it felt like it had been forever. I’d missed him.
But I couldn’t get all sentimental. This wasn’t just some little hobby he’d kept to himself. This was major. I know he’d said this dream was his life, but I didn’t realise it was on this scale.
Once the second act performed, there was another interval, but Josh spent most of the time queuing for the toilet and talking to people who were keen to know where he’d be performing next. After the final act had finished, the crowd got up and began chatting amongst themselves.
Finally we’d get to talk.
‘So, can we go somewhere? Somewhere private?’ I asked as I stood up and pushed my cushion back into my bag.
‘JC!’ said a pretty twenty-something as she touched his arm. ‘Amazing performance! You’re going to be huge!’
‘Thanks!’ Josh smiled, then glanced back at me. ‘Sorry. Yes. Yes, we should—’
‘JC, this is Alice,’ said one of the organisers, who had a beautiful raven-haired woman beside her. ‘She’d like to interview you for Sound magazine.’
‘Great!’ Josh’s eyes bulged excitedly. ‘It’s really nice to meet you, Alice.’ He shook her hand. ‘I love Sound magazine!’
‘There’s a room down on the hall on the left. You know, where you stored your stuff? If you guys need to chat, maybe it will be quieter there?’ suggested the Sofar lady.
‘Brilliant, thank you,’ said Josh before glancing at me again. ‘Sorry, Em, back in a minute.’
I waited half an hour. Which then became forty minutes. The audience had disappeared and the only people left were the Sofar team. I even offered to help tidy up so that I didn’t look like some sad groupie.
I passed the toilet a couple of times, which was opposite the room, just to see if they sounded like they’d be finishing any time soon. And, yeah, I’ll admit, also because I was a little paranoid. It was only natural. The magazine woman, Alice, was attractive and she was clearly impressed with Josh. As they’d walked away I heard her gushing about how phenomenal his performance was. And she touched his arm too. What was with all these women touching his arms? Those arms were meant for me. Just yesterday they were wrapped around me. Now it felt like every woman in London seemed to think she had the right to stroke them.
From what I could hear the last time I walked by, they had no intention of wrapping up the interview anytime soon. All I could hear was lots of giggling and laughter.
Sod it.
Like Kat had said, I couldn’t revolve around him. I had to have my own life. This Alice woman seemed influential. This interview was important to him, so he wasn’t going to want to rush it. And I wouldn’t want him to. This could be great for Josh. I wanted him to do well. I really did. He shouldn’t have to be apologising or worrying about keeping me waiting. This sounded like the opportunity of a lifetime. It was just, because of what had happened to me before, I couldn’t help but feel insecure. The longer he was in there and I was out here, the more paranoid I was going to become. It sounded like they were getting on like a house on fire, so who knew what would happen next? Maybe she’d make a pass at him and he’d just go with the flow because she had promised him a big spread in her fancy magazine and he would feel that he couldn’t say no. Surely a kiss or a quickie was a small price to pay to achieve his lifelong dream?
But no. Josh wasn’t like that. He had integrity. He was professional and honest. Wasn’t he? Then again, he’d kept all this from me, so what else would he be prepared to hide?
Oh God. Oh God. Oh God.
My head was all over the place. I couldn’t handle this. I needed to get out of here before I wound myself up so much that I burst into the room and either didn’t like what I saw or ended up embarrassing myself.
I had to go home. Right now.
I heard a buzzing sound. I opened my eyes and saw
my phone screen light up as it vibrated on the bedside table.
Josh.
12.37 a.m.? I must have left around eleven. What had he been doing for the past hour and a half?
I don’t like this. I don’t like that I’m wondering where he’s been and what he’s been doing. I hate it.
The phone rang out.
Next the doorbell rang.
I rubbed my eyes, then dragged myself out of bed and into the hallway. I clicked on the intercom.
‘Hello?’
‘It’s me. Can I come up, please? Please. We need to talk.’
Those words. We need to talk. Exactly what Eric had said to me when I’d caught him with Nicole.
My head was spinning. I wanted to hear what Josh had to say, but I was afraid to. What if tonight was just the tip of the iceberg? What if there were more secrets?
I guessed the sooner I found out, the sooner I could try and get over him. I pressed the buzzer and within seconds he was at my front door.
‘I’m so sorry about earlier,’ he said as he stepped inside. ‘The interview went on for ages, but it was a really great opportunity, so I…Em?’
‘So you’re only sorry that the interview went on for ages. Not about the fact that you’re a bloody pop star and didn’t even tell me?’ I shouted.
Whoa. That came out perhaps a little more aggressively than I’d intended. But I was nervous. Scared—in fact, terrified—of getting hurt again, so I supposed I was lashing out with frustration and fear. I needed to calm down. At least give him a chance to explain. Yes. Try and be reasonable. Try…
‘I’m sorry. I wanted to tell you.’ He stepped forward and rested his hands on my shoulders. ‘I was going to tell you. When we saw each other on Monday. I just didn’t want to jinx it, you know? I wanted to get those gigs out the way first, make sure they went well, and then I was going to tell you. Of course I wanted to.’
‘But you didn’t.’ I shook his hands from my shoulders. ‘You kept it a secret. Men always keep secrets. Just like Eric.’ The words flew from my mouth before I could stop them.
‘Oh, Emily…’ Josh’s face fell. ‘You can’t compare me to Eric. I wasn’t trying to hurt you or do anything bad or wrong. I just needed to be sure it was going to work out this time. My music career, I mean. Last time, everything was so out of control. I just needed to take things slowly. Do things on my own terms.’
‘Last time?’ I frowned and placed my hands on my hips. ‘What do you mean last time?’
‘This isn’t the first time I’ve done music. The last time, the first time, I was eighteen. I was really into my music. Desperate to make it. I spent all my time locked away in my bedroom writing songs. I’d done it for years. I think it was my kind of escapism. From all the problems at home. Dad leaving us, Mum being depressed. It was my release. I tried everything to break into the industry. It wasn’t like today, where you’ve got Spotify and so many other platforms to showcase your work. Then I saw an ad. Looking for talented singers. I went to the audition. They were putting together a serious soulful band, the manager said. Finally, I thought. This is it: my big break. I got in the group. I was over the moon. He gave me a contract to sign. Said we’d be successful, credible artists. And I believed him.’
‘What happened?’ I asked, sitting down on the wooden hallway floor. Josh joined me.
‘In a nutshell, I got well and truly shafted. Because I was so desperate and hungry for success, to get my voice heard, I didn’t check the contract. It wasn’t a serious soulful group, it was some cheesy pop boyband. And I hadn’t been chosen for my singing or musical talent. They wanted me because they thought the female fans would like me. That it would help sell more records. They gave us shitty songs which we had no input in whatsoever and they worked us like dogs. No, worse than that. I went months without a single day off.’
‘But what about your parents?’ I tucked my knees beneath my chin. ‘Or rather your mum?’
‘She was still out of it. She wasn’t herself. She was still a mess from Dad leaving. She didn’t know the first thing about legal stuff or what the hell was going on. She could barely look after herself.’
‘So how did you get out of it?’
‘I used the little time we did get off to research contracts and clauses to try and break free. Found a really helpful lawyer who had a son my age and wanted to help. It took ages. By the time I finally got released, I’d been in the band for two years. Two years of absolute hell. I didn’t do anything for another year after that. I was broken. Broken by the relentless schedules. Broken by the fame. Everything.’
‘The fame?’ I frowned again.
‘Yeah, I guess you could say we were well known. We had a few top ten singles in the UK and were really popular in Asia, so there was a lot of travelling.’
‘What was the name of the band?’
‘LDN Boys.’
I scanned my memory, trying to think of the groups that were popular at that time. I thought I remembered them, actually.
‘LDN Boys? That band with that song…what was it called? “Baby Be Mine”? No. “Baby You’re”…?’
‘“Baby You’re the One”,’ Josh finished.
‘No way!’ My eyes popped out of my head. ‘That was you? That group was pretty big!’
‘Kind of,’ he said modestly.
Yes, I definitely remembered them. They were on all the music TV shows back in the day and on the radio. How they all looked was a bit of a blur, but I did recall hearing their songs. Wow. I would have thought he’d enjoyed that experience though, surely?
‘But isn’t that every eighteen-year-old’s dream? Being in a band? Having screaming girls throwing themselves at you?’
‘To an extent, yes. But if you’ve always wanted to be a serious artist and are singing bubblegum pop, doing stupid dance routines and working twenty-hour days, seven days a week, month after month with no way out, with everything you do or say being controlled like you’re a puppet, then no. It’s not a dream. It’s a nightmare.’ Josh grimaced. ‘That’s the bit they don’t show you. Being stuck with three other guys you hate. Watching them spiralling out of control, off their head on drugs when we’re supposed to be some squeaky-clean band. You have no idea what goes on behind the scenes. It can be ugly. Believe me.’
Gosh. He was right. I never would have thought that a group like that would be stoned. Their songs were always so sweet and innocent.
‘So when you got out you must have been glad, but you said you were broken? Because of the pressure?’
‘Yeah, that and the exhaustion. And also the fame thing. It’s hard to explain.’ He rested his back against the white walls and stretched his legs out in front of him to try and make himself more comfortable. ‘When you’re that young and everyone’s kissing your arse, telling you what you want to hear and how amazing you are, you start to believe it. Everyone wants to be your friend. All the people that didn’t give you the time of day at school and college suddenly tell everyone that you’re besties. Guys want to hang out with you to get girls, girls want to hang out with you so they can brag that they slept with a guy from a band and then suddenly you leave the group and no one wants to know you. Worse, they pity you. You used to be famous, but now you’ve failed. When you’re barely twenty and you don’t have the experience or mental capacity to process that, it’s tough. My true friends, Doug and Phil, tried to understand, but they were the same age as me. It was hard enough trying to figure out their own lives, never mind attempting to get their heads around what I’d been through. That’s when I started seeing more of my grandma. Without her support, I wouldn’t have pulled through.’
‘God.’ I raised my eyebrows. ‘I didn’t realise. I always thought being a pop star was super glamorous. So I don’t understand? How did you get into law, and if the music industry is so awful, why do you want to be part of it again?’
‘Well, because I got royally screwed over with that contract, it drove me to look into law as a career. To help other pe
ople avoid the same fate as me. That was the idealistic view I had, but as I explained before, the reality didn’t quite pan out that way. And why go into it again? Because music is my passion. It’s who I am. It always has been. I tried to suppress it, but it would always come back. I knew I was happiest when I was writing or making music. My grandma used to love listening to me sing. Sometimes she’d literally say I had to sing for my supper! She wouldn’t feed me unless I’d sung her a song.’ He strained a smile.
‘That’s really sweet,’ I said, my heart thawing.
‘Yeah. So she encouraged me to pursue it. To try again. But my brain was fried. When I was at the firm, I couldn’t write. Then on the night after her funeral, I woke up in the middle of the night with an idea for a song and wrote the lyrics for “Make You Proud”. It was like she was there with me, pushing me to pursue my dream. So I had to do it. I had to go for it.’
‘That’s amazing. I love that you’re brave enough not to give up. What do you think will be different this time around?’ I asked, thinking after what happened before that it would have put him off for good. Once bitten, twice shy and all that.
‘The difference now is that this time I’m older and wiser. My eyes are wide open. And I’m doing things on my terms. I haven’t shown my face on any of my covers, so people can judge me purely on my music. I don’t have a record label. I’m doing it all myself. My own way. I don’t have to answer to anyone.’
‘That’s great. And I’m glad you didn’t give up, because you’re so good. What am I saying? You’re not just good. You’re great!’ I moved closer to him. The frustration I’d felt earlier began to slip away. Whilst I wasn’t happy that he’d kept it a secret from me, I began to understand. After his past experience, he clearly wanted to make things right this time around and take everything at his own pace. I couldn’t be angry with him. Just remembering how well he performed made me excited about his future. ‘People loved you tonight. I didn’t even realise it until this evening, but I was already a fan. I’ve had your songs on my playlists for months.’
Love Offline Page 21