Love Offline

by Olivia Spring

  ‘Nope. The opposite. I reckon now is the perfect time to get rid of the dating apps. To prove to myself how far I’ve come and show how much I believe in Josh and our future together.’ I tapped on each app, one by one, and deleted them. With every click I felt lighter. As far as I was concerned, I’d found the one, so the search was over. No more swiping. No more empty messaging. No more drama. What a relief.

  ‘Cheers to that!’ said Chloe as we clinked glasses again. ‘I’m so proud of you. Next stop, eliminating social media?’

  ‘Hmm. I don’t know if I’ll get rid of social media altogether. Everything in moderation and all that. I’ve unfollowed all the people who made me feel bad and now, rather than being obsessed with watching other people doing fun things, I’m out there creating memories of my own. And I don’t feel the pressure to post pictures online to make everyone think I’m interesting or exciting anymore. Instead, I’m trying to live more in the moment, and it actually feels really good.’

  ‘That’s wonderful! Although I have zero experience of the Instagram and Backchat stuff you do…’

  ‘Erm, Snapchat…?’

  ‘You know what I mean…’ She rolled her eyes. ‘As I was saying, whilst I’ve never been into that, I know how much you were, so I’m proud of you for weaning yourself off it and for completing the challenge. But remember, even though you’ve bagged yourself a dishy man, don’t let him become your replacement addiction. Before, your world revolved around social media and courting apps, so as much as I want you to be all loved up with Josh, don’t give up all of the activities and things you’ve learnt from this process for him. Keep doing your lessons and whatever else you fancy. The challenge may have ended, but continue developing and growing.’

  Absolutely. I was definitely going to carry on with my life drawing classes, and tomorrow I was going to order a load of paint and supplies so I could make a start on some murals at home. Thanks to Josh, finding new hobbies and picking up on old ones, I was feeling inspired. I couldn’t wait to start painting my own creations again.

  I also planned to go on some more organised walks depending on where they were visiting, and I wanted to look into learning another language too.

  ‘Yeah, don’t worry, I will. I know it’s important to keep my own interests and not give up my life for a man. In any case, judging by the reaction from the Sofar gig and the calls Josh has been getting since then, I think he’s going to become really busy, so I don’t think we’ll see each other as often as we’d like, which means I’ll need to find plenty of other things to fill my time.’

  ‘You’re right, Em. I don’t know much about music, and sadly I can’t predict the lottery numbers, but based on the songs you played me earlier, I’ve got a feeling your man Josh is going to do very well. In fact, I’d put money on him becoming a very, very big star.’

  October

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  To say Josh exploded over the next five months would be the understatement of the century.

  After the Sofar gig and Alice’s interview came out in Sound magazine, Josh’s phone didn’t stop ringing. His Spotify streams jumped into the millions, and he was inundated with requests from managers and even some record labels.

  Josh had ruled out signing with a label again after his first experience and initially wasn’t keen on having a manager either, because he was adamant that he wanted to be completely independent. But even I could see that it had got to the stage where it would be impossible to manage everything himself.

  One of the managers that contacted him was Adrian. He had just branched out on his own after working for a few of the top music management firms in New York and London and was hungry for success. He wanted to launch his agency with a fresh, talented artist, and Josh certainly fitted the bill. Adrian was pretty sure of himself. Said he had major contacts and knew all the movers and shakers in the industry that’d make Josh’s music achieve exposure on both sides of the Atlantic and around the world.

  During their many meetings, Adrian told Josh they had a lot in common. After being controlled by large organisations earlier in their careers, he said they were now branching out and forging their own paths as independents. If he helped Josh succeed, then Adrian reasoned that his company would also become huge and they could grow together. Win-win, he’d said.

  He certainly was a smooth talker. Josh liked what Adrian was saying—in theory. But having been burnt in the past, he wasn’t leaving anything to chance. Because of all the buzz around him, Josh was in a strong position. If Adrian didn’t give him the terms he wanted, he knew that there were other managers lined up, ready to step in. Josh went through every detail and contract with a fine-tooth comb, going backwards and forwards, and renegotiated until he was completely satisfied. He also negotiated an extended probationary period of nine months to ensure that he’d be happy with Adrian’s services. Only then had Josh agreed to go ahead.

  So far, he was pleased with Adrian. Josh was impressed at how quickly he’d organised a twenty-date tour across the US, which would be starting in a few days. Particularly as a lot of venues got booked up several months or even a year in advance. They weren’t big places. No stadiums or arenas. Not yet, anyway. Adrian said it was best to start off small, build a buzz and then grow from there.

  A twenty-date tour meant Josh would be away for five weeks. Five long weeks. With all the interviews, shows and time spent in his studio at home recording songs for his forthcoming album, it was already difficult for him to see me more than a couple of times a week, which I was finding hard. We both were.

  Josh had suggested I join him in America, but I wasn’t sure. On the one hand, I wanted to be with him and give him my support in person. But on the other, I knew he’d be busy, and these days, I wasn’t very good at just hanging around. If I had to sit in a hotel doing nothing all day, waiting for him to come back, I’d go crazy.

  Perhaps during my hermit, pre-Chloe’s challenge days, I would have happily passed the time on social media. But I was a different person now. I liked to be active. And I’ve always been independent, so although I supported his career, I didn’t want to abandon my work to follow him to the States.

  Especially now that I was back into my art, in a big way. For the past few months I’d been spending three days a week painting. I’d reduced my illustration work to four days a week so that I could dedicate Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays to my own personal projects.

  That included designing the artwork for Josh’s forthcoming album. I couldn’t believe it when he’d asked me. He’d decided to make ‘Rainbow’, the song he’d written about me, the title track, and as he still wasn’t keen on having his face on the cover, he asked if I could do a simple illustration of a rainbow instead. I jumped at the chance to do something fun for a change. As well as being excited for his album to be released so that the world could hear the amazing tracks he’d created, I admit, I was also looking forward to seeing my artwork on Spotify and on the advertising posters too.

  And that wasn’t the only cool thing I’d been working on. True to his word, Josh had given me the go-ahead to paint a mural in his house. I was really nervous about doing it at first. After all, it’d had been years since I’d last painted on a large scale. I was bound to be rusty. So I decided to start by doing a couple in my own flat first. I created a large seafront mural in my office, painting beautiful golden sand and gorgeous blue sea on the wall directly opposite my desk. Every time I looked up from my computer, it made me smile. I felt like I was working on the beach.

  In the bathroom, I painted a mural that gave the illusion of looking out of a large window with a sea view. I’d added a cute red-and-white sailboat and lovely clear blue sky. It really livened up the room and lifted my mood when I dragged myself into the shower in the mornings.

  I needn’t have worried about getting back into it. Once I’d planned out the designs, prepped the walls and got started, it all came flooding back to me. It was like it was only yesterday that I was a s
tudent helping Hans and Carrie out with their murals. I felt alive again. Motivated. Happy.

  With my growing confidence, I told Josh that I was ready, came up with some ideas, and after he gave me the green light, I got started on the first mural on his studio wall.

  As Prince was one of his favourite artists, I created a huge monochrome portrait of him from his Purple Rain era, playing his guitar. I also added some doves in honour of one of Josh’s favourite songs, ‘When Doves Cry’.

  It had taken weeks to complete, mainly because I had to fit it around my free time and when Josh was out at a gig or not in the studio, which, given how busy he’d become, was a challenge, but I finally finished it a few days ago and he loved it. I was really proud of it too.

  Now that I had a few new murals under my belt, I was planning to build myself a little website to showcase my work and start growing my portfolio. Which was another reason I thought it would be best for me to stay. I wanted to make the most of my newfound creativity. It had taken me so many years to get my mojo back, I was worried that if I just swanned off on tour with Josh, I might lose my momentum.

  The doorbell rang. It was Josh. My stomach flipped. He’d managed to schedule the evening off to come round for dinner. Yes, schedule. That was what it had come to now. Gone were the days of him working in Cuppa, where we’d have our impromptu afternoons in the park. Because he’d become so in demand, everything had to be booked like an appointment at the dentist just so that he could fit it all in. As I was learning, this was all part of the life of having a talented boyfriend who was becoming more and more famous every day.

  ‘Awww, thank you!’ I smiled as I took the bouquet of colourful tulips Josh handed to me. He’d often surprise me with a bunch. He knew how much I loved them, and I think it was also his way of encouraging me to paint the tulip field mural I’d wanted to do for so long.

  ‘Beautiful flowers for the beautiful lady. Mmmm, I’ve missed you soooo much,’ said Josh, wrapping his arms around me before giving me a long, slow kiss.

  ‘Me too. I guess we have to get used to this,’ I said, pulling a sad face. ‘Just think. It’s been three days since I’ve seen you. Soon it’s going to be five weeks…’

  ‘I know. It sucks,’ he said.

  ‘Well, this is your dream, so it has to be done.’

  ‘Yeah, of course. I didn’t mean touring sucks. I mean being without you sucks. Big time. Are you sure you won’t come?’ he asked, stroking my cheek. ‘I’d really love you to.’

  ‘I would too, but can’t,’ I said softly. ‘I need to work.’

  ‘I understand,’ he said, taking my hand and leading me to sit on the sofa.

  ‘Even if I did come, we wouldn’t really get to see each other. You’ll be busy rehearsing, in the studio, doing the gigs, then hanging out with all your new celebrity friends and going to all these cool places. I won’t fit in, and you won’t want me getting in your way. You’ll need to focus. Not be worrying about me and whether I’m okay.’

  ‘Yeah, it’s going to be busy, but I’d still find time for us to be together. You’d be focusing on your illustration stuff and planning your mural work during the day. I’m sure you’d get loads of inspiration over there, and then if you wanted to, you could come to the gigs each night and then we could be together afterwards. I’ll also have a few days off at some point too, so we can go exploring in whatever city we’re in. It’ll be fun. And you know I’m not into that whole celebrity culture thing. I don’t fit into that world either. But we fit. The two of us. Em and Josh. Josh and Em. That’s what matters.’

  ‘I don’t know,’ I said, thinking that it did sound like it would be amazing. ‘I want to be there for you, but I need to find a way to develop my new career too.’

  ‘I understand. And I wouldn’t want you to give that up for me. I’m your biggest supporter, so I wouldn’t even suggest it if I thought it would set you back. I want you to succeed. Your mural work is really going to take off. I really believe that. I love you, Em. I don’t want to be without you.’

  My heart melted. Just like when he’d told me the first time that he loved me. I loved him too. And that’s what made me so afraid. I wanted to go with him, but I was terrified of what would happen if I did.

  Josh had already taken me to a few of the industry parties he’d been invited to by Adrian to network. It had taken me hours to get ready, and even though I went with Josh and not on my own, it was like going to my first Chloe Challenge event, multiplied by ten million. Whilst I wasn’t as bad as I was all those months ago, I was still an introvert at heart, and my nervousness was off the scale. I felt like a fish out of water. All that champagne and those ridiculously beautiful and cool people. Most of the male musicians I spotted were with gorgeous supermodels with legs up to their eyeballs, flawless skin and flowing hair. And I challenge even the most confident woman not to feel insecure in a setting like that.

  Josh had held on to my hand tightly, as he could probably see pints of blood draining from my face with every wobbly step I took in my heels, but he was there to work. He couldn’t stay with me all night. So when Adrian whisked him away to speak to this person and that person, I was left on my own. And somehow the ‘is it your first time here?’ conversation starters I’d used for the Happy Solos events weren’t going to cut it.

  And that was just for a few nights over a period of a few months. Imagine doing that constantly for five weeks. It would be torture. Whilst my confidence had grown, I wasn’t ready to throw myself in that deep. I couldn’t. And I didn’t want my insecurities to affect Josh and his success. He’d know that I was uncomfortable, then he’d worry and wouldn’t be concentrating on what he needed to. And that would be wrong. I’d be selfish to put him in that position.

  The other thing that terrified me was taking a leap and falling flat on my face, or rather getting my heart completely crushed. What if I threw caution to the wind, told everyone I was jetting off to the States for five weeks with my wonderful boyfriend, and something happened? What if we didn’t get on or had a massive argument? Then I’d come back to London with both my career and my love life down the toilet.

  I’d love to be all feisty and say I didn’t need Josh and if something did happen, I would just get over him. But I loved Josh. So much. I had never loved anyone in all my life even half as much as I loved him. That would crush me. Yes, Chloe and Kat would be there to support me, so perhaps I’d pick myself up eventually (I’m thinking the year 2050 might be realistic), but the pain. Imagine how excruciating it would feel to lose him. I felt sick to my stomach just thinking about it.

  No. I can’t. It was safer for me to stay in London. Keep things as they are. Don’t rock the boat.

  ‘Em?’ said Josh.

  ‘Hmmm?’ I said, snapping out of my thoughts. ‘Sorry. I know you’d like me to be there. I love you so, so much too. You know I’m a hundred per cent behind you, but I’ll just need to support you from here. We can Facetime every day, and I’m sure five weeks will fly by,’ I said, trying to stay positive. I bet it wouldn’t, though. It was probably going to feel like five years.

  ‘I hope you’re right. Well, if I’ve only got forty-eight hours left in London,’ he said, kneeling down on the rug in front of me and leaning forwards, ‘we’d better make the most of it…’

  ‘All set?’ I said, trying my best to stay strong.

  ‘Think so…? I’ve checked my packing list a million times, so hopefully…’ We were standing in the hallway at Josh’s house with everything all packed ready to go. ‘This is it, Em. I’m so bloody nervous. My first solo US tour! Shit.’

  ‘They’re going to love you, Josh. You’ve already got a strong fan base out there. Your shows all sold out so quickly. It’s going to be amazing.’

  ‘I hope so. I’d feel so much better if you could come. I know you’ve got your reasons, but if you change your mind, just say the word. I’ll pay for your ticket. Whatever it costs. Remember, I’ve also got a couple of dates in New York on a F
riday and Saturday, so if you’re busy with work and need to focus on building your new career, maybe you could just come for a long weekend or something? You could see your parents then too. Promise you’ll think about it?’

  ‘I will. I promise,’ I said, kissing him firmly on the lips. God, I was going to miss those lips so much.

  ‘Thanks. And you’re sure you won’t come to the airport to see me off?’

  ‘I really want to, but I’ve always hated airport goodbyes. Even as a little girl. I get too upset. I’m just about holding my emotions together now. If I see you walking away through those doors, I’ll end up wailing, and if you see me ugly crying, you might never come back!’ Although I was trying to keep things light-hearted, I could already feel myself welling up.

  ‘You could never look ugly,’ he said as he took me in his arms and squeezed me tight.

  ‘I love you so much, Josh. I’m going to miss you,’ I said, tearing up. My stomach was in knots. It was like a magician was inside, twisting balloons into a thousand different animal shapes.

  ‘I love you too, Em,’ he said, his eyes watering. ‘Look!’ he laughed. ‘You’ve got me bloody crying now!’

  ‘Go!’ I sobbed. ‘The taxi’s outside. I’ll lock up everything for you.’

  ‘The taxi can wait. I need an epic kiss with the love of my life. Come here.’

  As our lips locked, the whole room spun around, just like it had that first time we’d kissed. Back then, I thought I would never feel anything stronger or more earth-shattering ever again. But my feelings for Josh had only intensified. There was no doubt in my mind that he was the one. We were made for each other. Our lips and our bodies went together like the sand and the sea, like strawberries and cream. He made me feel happy. So alive. But now he was leaving to pursue his dream. And I had no idea how my heart would survive five weeks without him.