When You Read This
Page 18
ArduousArdvark: sell by date lulz
One Month Later
Monday, October 12
* * *
from:
wally@homilypines.com
to:
smith@simonyi.com
date:
Mon, Oct 12 at 11:03 AM
subject:
Checking in
* * *
Hiya Smith,
Hope you’re doing well. Your mom asked me to get in touch due to things aren’t going so hot with the new roommate Martha Stevenson. I guess she isn’t all that new anymore, given it’s been over a month they’ve shared a room. She and Martha can’t seem to agree on who chooses what goes on the TV, and since Martha is the one who can, well, she ends up commandeering the remote for the most part. Not that your mom lets her be a channel tyrant without a fight. She hollers until Martha changes it back. And then she falls asleep and Martha switches it and the cycle repeats.
I worry the stress isn’t good for either of them, and I even tried instituting a rule where every other hour is Martha’s, and every other hour is your mom’s, but then somebody has a nap and the schedule gets off and the fighting starts up again. Maybe she’d listen to you? It could be a good time to come out, you know, if you want to see the new room and meet Martha and talk to your mom about how cooperating is better for her health and frankly for all of us.
Let me know what ya think,
Wally
* * *
from:
sandra.p.willoughby@thelanding.com
to:
smith@simonyi.com
date:
Mon, Oct 12 at 11:22 AM
subject:
Issue of concern
* * *
Dear Smith:
A concern has been raised that there has been a great deal of traffic in and out of your unit recently. While co-op guidelines permit sublets of greater than 30 days subject to board approval, shorter stays as well as guests whom the board has not approved are not permitted.
I trust that you will see to this matter promptly and cease whatever operations seem to be taking place in 12D, as The Landing is neither a hotel nor a hostel but a reputable community that is home to 40 upstanding New York residents such as yourself.
Please let me know if you have any questions.
I am,
Sandra Willoughby
President
The Landing Co-operative
* * *
from:
hbclark@bellemagazine.com
to:
smith@simonyi.com
date:
Mon, Oct 12 at 11:31 AM
subject:
Your message
* * *
Smith,
I got your message. No hard feelings at all about the past. Yes, I was Clementine’s friend first, but I still consider you my friend as well. Divorces happen, especially at our age. Clementine is doing great as far as I know, and I hope you are, too. (I haven’t kept in super close touch with her over these last few years.) Would it be weird if you had reached out to me to, say, ask me out? Sure. I’d obviously have to say no. But solely in a professional capacity? Of course I’m up for discussing your new client.
A chef! I’d love to hear more about her decision to leave a restaurant as prestigious as Barn to embark on an unknown future, particularly in something as quaint as baking.
I’d be interested to see a draft of an essay on her decision to start her sister’s bakery. <800 words, first person, not too heavy on the death stuff? Can I get a draft end of week?
xo
Hadley
* * *
from:
jademassey@yahoo.com
to:
smith@simonyi.com
date:
Mon, Oct 12 at 11:32 AM
subject:
Thank you . . . again
* * *
Hey Smith,
Thank you for coming with me (again) to check out the space in Chelsea (both times), but I’ve decided to keep looking. It just didn’t give me a good vibe. It was the same problem with the Battery Park one, but different. Like something bad had happened in there or something. Maybe someone was killed there, I don’t know.
Does it feel like we’re moving fast on this? It feels extremely fast to me. Are we still on for dim sum later?
Jade
* * *
from:
smith@simonyi.com
to:
jademassey@yahoo.com
date:
Mon, Oct 12 at 11:34 AM
subject:
re: Thank you . . . again
* * *
I believe that if someone is murdered in a property that is up for sale, it has to be disclosed.
* * *
from:
jademassey@yahoo.com
to:
smith@simonyi.com
date:
Mon, Oct 12 at 11:39 AM
subject:
re: Thank you . . . again
* * *
Butchered nonfatally, then. Stabbed and survived. I understand that no one “disclosed” anything, but I get a queasy feeling in there.
What is happening with Richie? Is he going to give the green coffee sleeves to us for free, since it was Iris’s dream and he was sleeping with her before she died?
* * *
from:
smith@simonyi.com
to:
jademassey@yahoo.com
date:
Mon, Oct 12 at 11:46 AM
subject:
re: Thank you . . . again
* * *
Isn’t the priority to find a space, get permits, and then, well, figure out what this bakery is?
* * *
from:
jademassey@yahoo.com
to:
smith@simonyi.com
date:
Mon, Oct 12 at 11:50 AM
subject:
re: Thank you . . . again
* * *
FYI, I meant “green” as in environmentally friendly, not green like the color. Or are they also not green in that sense? I thought you said they were recycled from local trash. That was my interest. Now I can’t remember if that’s true or not. If they aren’t, I’m not interested and we should go back to the drawing board on coffee sleeves.
* * *
from:
smith@simonyi.com
to:
jademassey@yahoo.com
date:
Mon, Oct 12 at 11:59 AM
subject:
re: Thank you . . . again
* * *
The sleeves are recycled, yes, though again, I don’t think that’s our focus right now.
MESSAGES
Mon., Oct. 12, 12:06 PM
JADE: Switching to text bc on my way to Pilates. Are you still gambling online? What, poker?
SMITH: Where did that question come from? Did you get my email about the essay in Belle? It would be great press for the bakery.
JADE: Oh, right. Opening email now . . .
JADE: Her name is HADLEY? Is she a grown-up, or six?
JADE: Wait, she’s hitting on you! Your ex-wife’s friend is begging you to ask her out.
SMITH: She explicitly says that if I asked her out, she would say no. How is that begging me to ask her out?
JADE: Telling you not to ask her out is her way of screaming ASK ME OUT.
SMITH: This essay opportunity is a really easy way to get the word out about the bakery. Two words: free publicity. Plus I think it pays. By the end of the week can you have something?
JADE: I don’t know if I have time to write an essay. I don’t know what I would write. I’m not a writer. I’m not even a baker, yet. I still have that to figure out. And I have to go back down to Virginia Thursday because my mom decided to host her entire church congregation at her house this weekend and somehow thinks this is something she can manage on her own.
SMITH: Oh come on.
JADE:
“Come on” re: her wanting to date you, or the essay?
SMITH: Both!
JADE: Okay, I’ll try to put together something.
SMITH: Jade, I wouldn’t ask someone out right now, when you and I are kind of . . . you know. Dim sum sounds good, let me put it that way.
JADE: Why did you say my name like that? And why wouldn’t you ask someone out right now?
SMITH: Is this a trick question? Are you trying to get me to say that we’re dating? Fine, we’re dating.
JADE: We’re not dating. We can’t be dating.
JADE: ARE we? We only kissed once.
SMITH: Twice. So glad they were memorable.
JADE: You don’t want kids. That won’t work for me.
SMITH: Can we talk about this later?
JADE: So it’s true! You don’t want kids!
SMITH: I never said that! I said it depends!
JADE: On?
SMITH: The person! The future! I don’t know. You won’t even say we’re dating!
JADE: Pilates is starting. I have to go.
JADE: I’m just saying there’s no point in us dating if you don’t want kids, so we can save ourselves the trouble.
1:32 PM
JADE: I can’t believe you didn’t write me back during all of Pilates.
JADE: I can have something to you by the end of this week, fine.
SMITH: Thank you.
JADE: And yes to dim sum. See you at 6.
* * *
from:
smith@simonyi.com
to:
iris@simonyi.com
date:
Mon, Oct 12 at 4:19 PM
subject:
no subject
* * *
Richie is still avoiding me. Does he suspect the gambling? I don’t gamble money I borrow from him. I’ve barely logged on in the last few weeks.
I know money is money, and the reason I need to borrow is because I keep losing what I have, but I didn’t borrow in order to gamble is the point I think I need to make clear to you.
To me. The point I need to make clear to myself.
God, I’m so full of shit.
http://dyingtoblog.com/irismassey
March 8 | 6:01 PM
On a Saturday morning six weeks after my wedding day that wasn’t, I still hadn’t returned a single gift. They sat piled in a corner of my studio, mostly wrapped. I was wandering home in my clothes from the night before. Unable to be with either of the men I cared about, I’d gotten smashed and slept with the bartender. At the corner of Ninth and Court Streets, a block from my place, a little boy manned a lemonade stand. He held out a paper cup to me, but all I had on me was a credit card. I said sorry. He told me I could have it, anyway. The gesture gutted me. I took it from him, but when I got to the end of the block, I dropped it into the trash can, full, because I couldn’t bear it.
I wish I could go back and talk to that girl. I wish I could grab her and say, “You’re not a bad person. You’re not a failure. Now, drink the fucking lemonade because that kid can still see you.”
COMMENTS (1):
SP2004: you are not a bad person just for cursing but cursing ITSELF is bad because it is toxic and spreads to babies
Friday, October 16
* * *
from:
smith@simonyi.com
to:
jademassey@yahoo.com
date:
Fri, Oct 16 at 8:56 AM
subject:
hi
* * *
Good morning. How’s it going in Virginia? How was your trip down yesterday?
* * *
from:
jademassey@yahoo.com
to:
smith@simonyi.com
date:
Fri, Oct 16 at 9:17 AM
subject:
re: hi
* * *
Okay. I made my mother the best omelet of my life this morning (I sampled it) (ate half). In my industry, we say that there are two options for an omelet: transcendent, and tastes like eggs. Today’s was the former. That is more difficult than it sounds. I mean, there are entire books written on eggs. Not cookbooks. Philosophical treatises. To me, the perfect omelet is made with nothing but a fork. But there are people who would argue that a spatula is acceptable. Others would say it’s too violent, on par with tongs. You don’t know violence until you’ve watched delicate greens quiver under giant metal teeth.
* * *
from:
smith@simonyi.com
to:
jademassey@yahoo.com
date:
Fri, Oct 16 at 9:29 AM
subject:
re: hi
* * *
You were going to get me the draft by today?
* * *
from:
jademassey@yahoo.com
to:
smith@simonyi.com
date:
Fri, Oct 16 at 9:36 AM
subject:
re: hi
* * *
Shit.
* * *
from:
jademassey@yahoo.com
to:
smith@simonyi.com
date:
Fri, Oct 16 at 9:38 AM
subject:
re: hi
* * *
I can have something to you by this afternoon.
* * *
from:
smith@simonyi.com
to:
jademassey@yahoo.com
date:
Fri, Oct 16 at 9:55AM
subject:
re: hi
* * *
Jade, you haven’t even started? What did you do Wednesday night when you left the bar to write?
* * *
from:
jademassey@yahoo.com
to:
smith@simonyi.com
date:
Fri, Oct 16 at 10:01 AM
subject:
re: hi
* * *
Packed! I said I was leaving to write and pack.
I also binge-watched this web series called The Uncertain Detective. This woman is concerned because her dog doesn’t recognize her, so she thinks her dog is a clone. But it turns out the reason her dog doesn’t recognize her is that she is the clone. You should check it out.
I’ll have something to you by this afternoon. I’m writing RIGHT NOW.
* * *
from:
ronaldglass@apexunitedcitizens.com
to:
smith@simonyi.com
date:
Fri, Oct 16 at 10:20 AM
subject:
Re-branding
* * *
Dear Mr. Simons,
My name is Ronald Glass. I am the founder of Apex United Citizens. You may have heard about Apex in the media as of late, but I ASSURE YOU THAT THESE RUMORS ARE FALSIFIED.
Apex is a community of individuals seeking to expand their minds and hearts through the Apex curriculum, which I have recently revamped in light of rumors THAT ARE WHOLLY AND FULLY UNTRUE.
I am seeking assistance in re-branding Apex, and would welcome a meeting with you per this matter.
As a token of my appreciation, I am providing below a “glimpse” of what is in store for anyone (you?) who chooses to join Apex. It is a pearl of wisdom that, this time, is for free! There is more where it came from.
Sincerely,
Ronald P. Glass
The Meaning of Life in Less Than 300 Words
BY RONALD P. GLASS
So I hear you wish you had a different breakfast cereal in the cabinet. I hear you wish you had a different couch, such as the one possessed by your neighbor, with the reclining option and the flap that folds up to expose a convenient and reliable cup holder for containers of all sizes. You are tired because you are sick, born with an illness you have no control over. It is called being a Homo sapiens.
But I will tell you a secret. Here are three ways to make your own nature work for you not agains
t you, such as in the style of “judo.”
If you had those other things or if you were as healthy as a robot-human, you would still wish you had something different. It is the human condition to wish for “the Different.” Pretend you are someone else wishing they were you, and you will begin to see “the Positive” aka “the bright side” because you have taken on a new perspective of another envious, unsatisfied human except that human is looking at you!!!!!!