“Of course it comes from mental issues. Our entire family is fucked in the head.” Chaos voice comes from behind me and I turn to him immediately. He’s been a dick the last few times I’ve seen him but the urge to run straight into his arms and hold him close takes over me. I rush to him, wrapping my arms around his body and giving him the sweetest kiss that I can. I love him so much, and I know he is hurting right now, even if he chooses to hide it. He grumbles against our kiss, “You came with him?”
“Yes. Pain was at Bubba’s when Trick told him. I don’t want to argue with you right now. It isn’t the time or the place. We need to focus on your sister.”
“Bullshit. All we ever did was focus on Angel. It was our jobs to do that, protect her cause we’re her big brothers. But you know what, Maria? You can’t protect someone who doesn’t want to be protected, not when she keeps putting herself in harms way. Fuck, she slit her wrists. She was trying to die.”
“She might have tried but she didn’t succeed.” Trick growls out, his protectiveness over Angel coming out in full effect.
Chaos hisses out at me. “I don’t give a fuck if you think I’m insensitive. I can’t believe you showed up here with him...after everything you and I have discussed.”
I can’t help it, I can’t keep holding onto this frustration and anger, to all of these emotions that are tearing me apart. I pull my hand back and slap him across the face. Tears spill behind my eyes, and all of the feelings I’ve been holding back flood to the surface. “I am yours, both of yours. I don’t belong to you. I don’t belong to him. Stop treating me like I am some object and not your damn girlfriend. You...big idiot. Do you even care about how you make me feel by treating me like this, you make me feel like a whore!” Wetness spills over my cheeks and for the first time I think that Chaos gets what I’m saying.
I think he may finally be understanding what he’s made me feel, and I think that he regrets it. I choose in this moment to not stay here for another moment longer. I dart down the nearest stairwell and do the one thing I know I have to do – clear my head.
Chapter 17
Even though we never said it to each other, we knew.
- Anonymous
Chaos
I only came to the hospital because I knew Maria had come with Pain. It didn’t take me long to figure out, and Polina ratted her out so quick when I went to Bubba’s to check in on her. Pain may not remember, but when we were kids he always got the girls. It’s probably why he doesn’t get why I’m so determined to have Maria to myself. I love this girl. Never in my life have I admitted to loving anyone. Never wanted to be that vulnerable I guess, and seeing that my brother is just as close to her only makes me doubt myself. Is she only with me because it means she gets to be with him? That’s all the girls ever wanted, was to get close to me to be near Pain.
It kind of fucks with your head a little bit after a while. Probably the reason I stopped searching for something meaningful and just went around looking for somewhere to stick my dick. I didn’t need an ol’ lady. Whores were good enough for a long time. Then Maria came along...and I haven’t ever looked back. One look at her and I knew she was going to be mine. I just never expected her to want to be my brother’s too. Now I’m kicking myself. The past always repeats itself, right? How could I be so dumb as to think I could be enough for one woman? That they wouldn’t end up choosing Pain over me?
They always pick him.
Shit.. I should’ve never let her play with him in the first place. I put the bait in front of the damn shark. It was my idiocy to think that the shark wouldn’t bite at it.
I left the hospital a few minutes after Maria did, getting judgmental stares from both Trick and Pain. They don’t get it. How could they. Pain would never understand what goes on in my mind when I see her with him. He’d never understand how it makes me feel, the inadequacy, the pain that he gives me. Ironic, isn’t it?
I head for the one place where I know she’ll be, already burying herself in work no doubt. Whenever she’s upset she goes to Bubba’s. She’s not one of those girls who wallow and cry, and lock herself way in their room. She takes that negative energy and puts it into something productive. It’s one of the many things that I love about her.
I barrel through the doors of Bubba’s and head straight behind the bar, knowing that she’s always in the kitchen if she isn’t out waiting on a customer. Some of the Russian dolls jolt in surprise, but Maria doesn’t flinch at all. Almost like she expected me to come here.
“Took you long enough.”
“Get out.” I grumble to the group of girls around us and the two guys Maria hired as cooks a few weeks back. Everyone looks at Maria before they even begin to move, and she nods. Shit, if I wasn’t so mad I’d think that was hot as fuck. They all go out through the swinging door that leads into the kitchen. There’s sure as hell not going to be any privacy here, but frankly I don’t give a damn. Not anymore anyways. Everyone already knows about all of our shit, and what they don’t know, they assume.
I run my hand over my face before I ask her what I’ve been thinking for days. It’s not going to be easy, but I need to ask. If I don’t, then my mind will play more tricks on me and I’ll end up torturing myself. “What is it about me that isn’t enough for you?”
Maria’s face goes from a stern scowl to something like shock, or maybe even sadness. Her guard disappears. “Why do you think that you aren’t enough for me?”
“You obviously want Pain, so I must not be what you want.” I say it plainly, trying my hardest to keep my emotions buried deep within me. I don’t want her to know how upset this really makes me. She’s never seen that side of me, and I don’t ever plan on letting it out.
“Why would you think that, you big idiot?!” She walks right up to me, grabbing on to my hands. “Why do you think that you aren’t enough? Me wanting to please you both has nothing to do with you not being enough. It’s about how you both make me feel. I have always lived in fear, since that day. You and Pain make me feel less afraid. I still have fears, but the two of you block them out. You each know what I need, when I need it...Chaos...?”
“Yeah?”
“You wouldn’t have let me near Pain if you didn’t trust him. I know that. I think...” She looks up at me, obviously holding back.
“You think what?”
“I think that you knew I needed someone who was sensitive too. I didn’t just need your callousness, which I love, but I needed comfort too. Who else would you trust more than your own brother? I just think maybe you’re scared I’m going to pick him over you and I would never do that.”
“Kinda feels like you are.” I point out.
“Because you’re looking at it that way. I haven’t done anything to push you away, it’s been quite the opposite actually. You’re not only pushing me away, but your brother too.” Maria takes her hand and caresses my cheek, smiling up at me. “We both love you in two completely different ways. I know that you are scared, and that you love us even though you have a shit way of showing it. I’m not going anywhere. Trust in that..” Maria kisses me quickly before she turns toward the kitchen door and I’m left there wondering what the fuck just happened.
Chapter 18
“A true lover is a fighter.”
- Anonymous
Chaos
It’s been a week and things have been pretty steady, and after the day I’ve had, the only place I want to be is at the club with Maria wrapped in my arms on the couch. I go well over the speed limit to get there, needing to be home.
As soon as I get to the club, I park my bike and dismount. I take my time getting to the door, amazed that tomorrow it’s going to be a new year. A new beginning. I only hope that it gets better and things finally start to settle down for all of us. After talking with Daisy yesterday, I feel a lot better. Don’t get me wrong, it’s still hard as fuck knowing that she wants Pain too, but it has nothing to do with me. It’s not about me at all.
I stand outside the doo
r, scrolling through my phone and happen to hear Maria and Daisy talking on the other side.
“I just need Pain. I need him so much and I can’t explain it. He calms me down and Chaos...”
“Really?” I roar as I open the door, startling the hell out of Daisy and Maria. I don’t give a flying fuck though, not after what I’ve just heard. “Did you really just fucking say that!?”
“Say what?” Maria asks me.
“Don’t play dumb with me. I heard you say that you need Pain!”
“Okay....this is my cue to leave before I get dragged into y’alls drama.” Daisy says, and I shoot her a glare.
“No, you fuckin’ stay cause I’m gonna leave in a minute anyway. Not like I have anything to stick around for since my bitch wants my brother so damn bad, she needs him.”
“No! Now you are twisting my words around!”
“No I’m not, Maria. I just want you to know that there is nothing in this world that I regret more than ever starting anything with you. You’re the reason I’ll never be able to look at my brother the same again. That’s on you, Maria. You fucked us up, cause you wanted more then I could give you. You wanted him more then me!”
“No, you misunderstood what I was saying!! Daisy, tell him. Please tell him what I said!” She pleads, but it’s no use. I know what I heard. She fucking flat out said she needed him more then me.
Daisy starts to open her mouth but I wave my hand, signaling her to shut her mouth before she even starts. “Daisy, don’t.” I glare back at Maria, “No, I didn’t! Stop telling me that. You keep opening that damn mouth of yours and acting like it’s going to change something but it won’t. I heard you, and I think it’s the first time I’ve actually heard you! Why haven’t you told me that you needed him before, hmm? Why not?!”
“You’d better check your tone with me and her before my husband destroys you.” Daisy threatens, and I let her. I couldn’t give two fucks right now.
Tears are spilling over her cheeks, and I don’t care. I’m nothing but a void, emotionally cut off. “I tried to tell you, numerous times. I said I was your girl. That’s what I am. I belong to both of you...” She hiccups, “The last thing I ever wanted for you to feel is like I love one of you more then the other. I love you both equally. I need you both. Please!” She takes a step towards me and I take a step back, not wanting her to touch me.
I can’t let her.
I can’t keep doing this, feeling inadequate, like I’m not enough for her. Maria has made her choice. “Stay away from me. You aren’t my problem anymore. Go cry on my brother’s shoulder. You’re so damn good at it, after all.” I don’t bother waiting for her to cry more, or even to hear another word that comes out of her mouth. It’s just going to be the same old stuff. I turn around and walk right through the door I just came through.
I need some fuckin’ air.
Chapter 19
She’s both hellfire and holy water. And the flavor you taste depends on how you treat her.
- Sneha Pal
Maria
I take in a deep breath, hoping that the pain will go away, wondering how long it will take for my heart to stop hurting as much as it is. It’s been four days since Chaos spoke to me in the way that he did. Four days of me avoiding him, and Pain too. Four days of working extra long shifts in the hopes of not running into either of them.
Every day I wake up remembering the callous tone of his voice as he told me he regretted ever starting anything with me, and then when he told me I was the reason that he and Pain will never be able to speak to one another again. They once stood side by side and now couldn’t be further apart. Apparently, I am to blame for that. They’re alone, and I’m alone too.
I’ve run into Pain twice, and both times he’s given me a look that tells me all he wants is to rush over to me and yank me in his arms. I want to let him. I want nothing more then for him to hold me close and tell me that everything will be okay, even though we all know that it won’t be. Nothing will ever be okay again. But I don’t let him. I can’t let him, instead I disappear as quickly as possible. He doesn’t even try to follow me. Pain knows me well enough to know that I need my space, and that if there is a time where I want him to hold me...I’ll rush into his arms. It’s not that I don’t want him to, it’s that I feel like I can’t let him. Chaos made it obvious that I am the reason he and Pain aren’t speaking, and the guilt that comes along with knowing that small truth weighs heavy on my mind.
Each day I hope things will get easier, and in a way they have I guess, but have they really? I don’t have nightmares of Rafael anymore and I think I should be thankful for that, but the nightmares I have now are even worse – far worse. Every time I close my eyes the only thing I can see is Chaos screaming at me.
That is my nightmare now.
Everything Rafael did to me is nothing in compared to the way I was shredded and destroyed, when the man I love pinned all of that anger on me. Anger that came thrashing from his body like a sonic boom.
“You can get going. I will close up the bar and all will be good in the morning.” Polina tells me from her end of the bar. She’s wiping the top down one more time before she starts her usual cleaning routine. “We have two customers, plus Trick is here. I will be fine.” I feel uneasy about leaving her alone, even knowing that she is fully capable of closing down Bubba’s. The truth is that I don’t want to go back to the club because it’s still early and I may run into Pain, or Chaos, or worse: both of them. I want to avoid that situation completely. I don’t know what any of us are at this point. Pain and I...I don’t see anything without Chaos. As much as I love them both, I can’t see anything working without the other...but can our relationship be rectified now? Is there any way for me to get over what Chaos said to me, even if he apologized? I don’t know. I am a firm believer that one does not say anything unless they mean it, whether it is good or bad.
“Okay. I’ll get going, but come in an hour late tomorrow since you insist on closing up tonight.” I tell her. Polina doesn’t like taking orders, but she knows that I’m basically the manager of this joint. Daisy used to be in a sense, but after she had Ryder her priorities changed and I can’t blame her for that. Jenna was here a lot after, but she isn’t even around anymore since all of Dmitri’s family shit is going on. I miss her a lot, cause we’re very close friends. I understand that she needs to be there for Dmitri as they deal with their mafia issues if that’s even what you can call them, but I selfishly hope that they will be back at the club soon. It’s not the same without the two of them here, and even Slash. Things have felt a bit off since they’ve all been gone.
I slide on my lightweight jacket and grab my purse from under the bar, noticing the eyeroll that Polina shoots my way. “I will come in when I feel like coming in!”
“Geez. Fine. If you wanna work more, then do it. It’s not like I’ll complain about having the help around here.” I grumble back to her.
“You have joke. All you do is hiss at me when I help over the last few days, and all because you are angry at the hurt brothers!” Dammit, Polina’s English is awful. I thought I was bad but then this bitch showed up. She calls Pain and Chaos the “hurt” brothers.
“I just want to stay busy.” I inform her, but why do I even bother trying. It’s not like she’ll understand why I’m trying to stay busy. I need to focus on something, otherwise I get stuck inside of my own head and overthink.
“Maria, you cannot hide from the things that go on up here.” Polina points to her head, “We all have to deal with them, each of us do. There is no hiding, only facing it and moving forward. I have let you snap at me today but don’t think I’ll put up with it tomorrow.” My eyes go wide at her words, but I nod, accepting what she’s saying. I think I respect her a bit more in this moment.
“Okay, fine. I’ll see you tomorrow.” I sling my purse over my shoulder and walk around the bar until I’m out the front door of Bubba’s. I didn’t park the car too far away from the entrance, none o
f us do actually, especially when we know we’re going to close. We haven’t ever had any issues of creepers being around, but it’s better to be prepared. Usually one of the guys ends up closing with one of us anyways, which is exactly why Trick is still around tonight. I get into my car, insert the key and turn on the ignition. Santana pumps through the speakers as I peel my way out of the parking lot and down on the road. Bubba’s isn’t too far away from the club, just a few miles so I make sure to take my time. This drive is the only silence, my only peace. The second I walk back through those clubhouse doors I’m going to be thinking about Pain and Chaos yet again. I take in deep breaths, exhaling slowly, letting out all of that negative energy.
Suddenly, a loud popping sound startles me and I slam on the brakes. I look around, checking my surroundings as much as possible in the dark and wondering what the hell just happened. Did I hit an animal? If I did it surely wouldn’t sound like that, like a firecracker going off. I wonder for a second if it was a gunshot, but I’ve heard guns go off before and it’s never sounded like that...
My heart pounds heavy in my chest as I remind myself to breathe over again and again. After a few moments, I make the decision to get out of the car and see if I can figure out what the hell just happened. I grab my phone and turn on the flashlight, moving it as I walk around my car until I see that one of my tires popped completely. I don’t even know how it happened...and just like that it clicks. I hit that damn pothole. Fuck!
I open up my texts and immediately go to text Chaos, knowing that he’d be here in a second to help me fix this, but then I remember.
I can’t text Chaos.
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