Magic for Nothing

by Seanan McGuire

  “Because of what my grandfather did.”

  “Among other things.” She crossed the distance between us in four long steps, wrapping her arms around me before I could react. “We’ve all been scared witless, Annie—”

  “You can’t tell anyone you’ve seen me.”

  She let go and stepped back. “What?”

  “I’m hiding, remember? Did the mice make it home?”

  “Last week.”

  “Then you know why I ran.”

  “There has to be another way.”

  I shrugged. “Not that I’ve found yet.”

  “Fine, then.” She took my hands. “You will call me weekly. You will let me see that you’re all right. And in exchange, I’ll keep your parents from tearing the world down looking for you. Deal?”

  “Deal.”

  “Good. And remember, you just made a promise to a crossroads ghost. It’s binding.” She let go of my hands. “Why are you in Florida?”

  “Because no one will look for me in Florida,” I said. “I figure I can find work at or near one of the big amusement parks.”

  “Disney World?”

  “Lowryland. It’s smaller, which means less attention, and they’re a lot less strict in their background checks.”

  Mary nodded. “Good thinking. You’re being careful?”

  “I am.”

  “Thank you for that. I’ll see if I can scare up one of the local routewitches to give you a ride.”

  “That’d be nice. In the meantime, I guess I’ll keep on walking.” I offered her a wan smile. “No rest for the wicked.”

  “Never has been,” she said, and disappeared.

  I looked at the place where she’d been for a few long seconds before I turned and resumed walking down the road, into the hot Florida sun, leaving the past behind me.

  Price Family Field Guide to the Cryptids of North America

  Updated and Expanded Edition

  Aeslin mice (Apodemus sapiens). Sapient, rodentlike cryptids which present as near-identical to non-cryptid field mice. Aeslin mice crave religion, and will attach themselves to “divine figures” selected virtually at random when a new colony is created. They possess perfect recall; each colony maintains a detailed oral history going back to its inception. Origins unknown.

  Basilisk (Procompsognathus basilisk). Venomous, feathered saurians approximately the size of a large chicken. This would be bad enough, but thanks to a quirk of evolution, the gaze of a basilisk causes petrification, turning living flesh to stone. Basilisks are not native to North America, but were imported as game animals. By idiots.

  Bogeyman (Vestiarium sapiens). The thing in your closet is probably a very pleasant individual who simply has issues with direct sunlight. Probably. Bogeymen are close relatives of the human race; they just happen to be almost purely nocturnal, with excellent night vision, and a fondness for enclosed spaces. They rarely grab the ankles of small children, unless it’s funny.

  Chupacabra (Chupacabra sapiens). True to folklore, chupacabra are blood-suckers, with stomachs that do not handle solids well. They are also therianthrope shapeshifters, capable of transforming themselves into human form, which explains why they have never been captured. When cornered, most chupacabra will assume their bipedal shape in self-defense. A surprising number of chupacabra are involved in ballroom dance.

  Dragon (Draconem sapiens). Dragons are essentially winged, fire-breathing dinosaurs the size of Greyhound buses. At least, the males are. The females are attractive humanoids who can blend seamlessly in a crowd of supermodels, and outnumber the males twenty to one. Females are capable of parthenogenic reproduction and can sustain their population for centuries without outside help. All dragons, male and female, require gold to live, and collect it constantly.

  Fu¯ri (Homo therianthrope). Often proposed as the bridge between humans and therianthropes, the fūri is a monkey—specifically, a human—that takes on the attributes of another monkey—specifically, some form of spider monkey. Fūri transform instinctively, choosing their human forms for camouflage and their more simian forms for virtually everything else. A transformed fūri is faster, stronger, and sturdier than a human being. Offering bananas is not recommended.

  Ghoul (Herophilus sapiens). The ghoul is an obligate carnivore, incapable of digesting any but the simplest vegetable solids, and prefers humans because of their wide selection of dietary nutrients. Most ghouls are carrion eaters. Ghouls can be easily identified by their teeth, which will be shed and replaced repeatedly over the course of a lifetime.

  Hidebehind (Aphanes apokryphos). We don’t really know much about the hidebehinds: no one’s ever seen them. They’re excellent illusionists, and we think they’re bipeds, which means they’re probably mammals. Probably.

  Jackalope (Parcervus antelope). Essentially large jackrabbits with antelope antlers, the jackalope is a staple of the American West, and stuffed examples can be found in junk shops and kitschy restaurants all across the country. Most of the taxidermy is fake. Some, however, is not. The jackalope was once extremely common, and has been shot, stuffed, and harried to near-extinction. They’re relatively harmless, and they taste great.

  Johrlac (Johrlac psychidolos). Colloquially known as “cuckoos,” the Johrlac are telepathic ambush predators. They appear human, but are internally very different, being cold-blooded and possessing a decentralized circulatory system. This quirk of biology means they can be shot repeatedly in the chest without being killed. Extremely dangerous. All Johrlac are interested in mathematics, sometimes to the point of obsession. Origins unknown; possibly insect in nature.

  Jorōgumo (Nephilia sapiens). Originally native to Japan, these therianthropes belong to the larger family of cryptids classified as “yōkai.” Jorōgumo appear to be attractive women of Japanese descent until they transform, at which point they become massive spider-centaurs whose neurotoxic venom can kill in seconds. No males of the species have ever been seen. It is possible that the species possesses a degree of sexual dimorphism so great that male Jorōgumo are simply not recognized for what they are.

  Laidly worm (Draconem laidly). Very little is known about these close relatives of the dragons. They present similar but presumably not identical sexual dimorphism; no currently living males have been located.

  Lamia (Python lamia). Semi-hominid cryptids with the upper bodies of humans and the lower bodies of snakes. Lamia are members of order synapsedia, the mammal-like reptiles, and are considered responsible for many of the “great snake” sightings of legend. The sightings not attributed to actual great snakes, that is.

  Lesser gorgon (Gorgos euryale). One of three known subspecies of gorgon, the lesser gorgon’s gaze causes short-term paralysis followed by death in anything under five pounds. The bite of the snakes atop their heads will cause paralysis followed by death in anything smaller than an elephant if not treated with the appropriate antivenin. Lesser gorgons tend to be very polite, especially to people who like snakes.

  Lilu (Lilu sapiens). Due to the striking dissimilarity of their abilities, male and female Lilu are often treated as two individual species: incubi and succubi. Incubi are empathic; succubi are persuasive telepaths. Both exude strong pheromones inspiring feelings of attraction and lust in the opposite sex. This can be a problem for incubi like our cousin Artie, who mostly wants to be left alone, or succubi like our cousin Elsie, who gets very tired of men hitting on her while she’s trying to flirt with their girlfriends.

  Madhura (Homo madhurata). Humanoid cryptids with an affinity for sugar in all forms. Vegetarian. Their presence slows the decay of organic matter, and is usually viewed as lucky by everyone except the local dentist. Madhura are very family-oriented, and are rarely found living on their own. Originally from the Indian subcontinent.

  Manananggal (Tanggal geminus). If the manananggal is proof of anything, it is that Nature abhors a logical classifica
tion system. We’re reasonably sure the manananggal are mammals; everything else is anyone’s guess. They’re hermaphroditic and capable of splitting their upper and lower bodies, although they are a single entity, and killing the lower half kills the upper half as well. They prefer fetal tissue, or the flesh of newborn infants. They are also venomous, as we have recently discovered. Do not engage if you can help it.

  Oread (Nymphae silica). Humanoid cryptids with the approximate skin density of granite. Their actual biological composition is unknown, as no one has ever been able to successfully dissect one. Oreads are extremely strong, and can be dangerous when angered. They seem to have evolved independently across the globe; their common name is from the Greek.

  Sasquatch (Gigantopithecus sesquac). These massive native denizens of North America have learned to embrace depilatories and mail-order shoe catalogs. A surprising number make their living as Bigfoot hunters (Bigfeet and Sasquatches are close relatives, and enjoy tormenting each other). They are predominantly vegetarian, and enjoy Canadian television.

  Tanuki (Nyctereutes sapiens). Therianthrope shapeshifters from Japan, the Tanuki are critically endangered due to the efforts of the Covenant. Despite this, they remain friendly, helpful people, with a naturally gregarious nature which makes it virtually impossible for them to avoid human settlements. Tanuki possess three primary forms—human, raccoon dog, and big-ass scary monster. Pray you never see the third form of the Tanuki.

  Ukupani (Ukupani sapiens). Aquatic therianthropes native to the warm waters of the Pacific Islands, the Ukupani were believed for centuries to be an all-male species, until Thomas Price sat down with several local fishermen and determined that the abnormally large Great White sharks that were often found near Ukupani males were, in actuality, Ukupani females. Female Ukupani can’t shapeshift, but can eat people. Happily. They are as intelligent as their shapeshifting mates, because smart sharks are exactly what the ocean needed.

  Wadjet (Naja wadjet). Once worshipped as gods, the male wadjet resembles an enormous cobra, capable of reaching seventeen feet in length when fully mature, while the female wadjet resembles an attractive human female. Wadjet pair-bond young, and must spend extended amounts of time together before puberty in order to become immune to one another’s venom and be able to successfully mate as adults.

  Waheela (Waheela sapiens). Therianthrope shapeshifters from the upper portion of North America, the waheela are a solitary race, usually claiming large swaths of territory and defending it to the death from others of their species. Waheela mating season is best described with the term “bloodbath.” Waheela transform into something that looks like a dire bear on steroids. They’re usually not hostile, but it’s best not to push it.

  PLAYLIST:

  Everybody needs a soundtrack, and Antimony is no different. Here are some songs to rock you through her adventures.

  “Burn”

  Mad at Gravity

  “Dollhouse”

  Melanie Martinez

  “Little Talks”

  Of Monsters and Men

  “Lucky Me”

  Sarah Slean

  “Hollywood’s Not America”

  Ferras

  “London Calling”

  The Clash

  “Funhouse”

  Pink

  “Trapeze”

  Patty Griffin

  “How Do I Look?”

  Muzzled: The Musical

  “Good Little Dictation Machines”

  Alleluia! The Devil’s Carnival

  “Out of the Woods”

  Taylor Swift

  “Emperor’s New Clothes”

  Panic! At the Disco

  “Ferris Wheel”

  Rachael Sage

  “Skeletons on Parade”

  Ludo

  “No Spill Blood”

  Oingo Boingo

  “Bleeding Out”

  Imagine Dragons

  “Fly”

  Moxy Fruvous

  “Hallelujah”

  Panic! at the Disco

  “The Boy Could Fly”

  Rubylux

  “Rock and Roll Queen”

  The Subways

  “Bad Romance”

  Halestorm

  “Sin for a Sin”

  Miranda Lambert

  “Ship to Wreck”

  Florence and the Machine

  “Mistakes We Knew We Were Making”

  Straylight Run

  “Boats and Birds”

  Gregory and the Hawk

  “Chasing the Sun”

  Sara Bareilles

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS:

  Welcome to Antimony’s adventures! Are you ready for ROLLER DERBY?! (Well. Some roller derby. More carnivals and theme parks and identity crisis.) I am so delighted to be here, six books in and still going strong as we head into a new phase of the Price family’s history. Antimony has been waiting for a while for her star turn, and I know some of you have been waiting for her. Well, wait no longer—and best of all, she’ll be back soon for book seven, Tricks for Free.

  Enormous thanks go out to my carnival family, especially Lars, Davo, and my best-beloved Daniel, who said he wouldn’t put scorpions in my bed again if I thanked him in a book; to my roller derby experts, Michael and Deborah Kwan, and to every derby girl who’s had me excitedly asking her questions about the fine points of the game; and to Patty, who keeps me from accidentally wandering into traffic. As always, Phil is the man to blame for so much of what I do, and he shoulders that burden with good grace and terrible puns. Terrible, terrible puns. Thanks to Priscilla Spencer, for everything, and to Rob and Rachel, for everything else.

  The machete squad gets thanked in almost everything I write, because they’re worth it, and without them, I would have a lot more continuity glitches. Kory Bing illustrates the amazing Field Guide to the Cryptids of North America, which you can visit at my website—bring a net—while Tara O’Shea’s dingbat and website design remains top-notch. I am the luckiest author in the world. Big thanks to the team at DAW, my publicity team at Penguin Random House, and to Aly Fell, whose cover illustrations are everything I could possibly have asked for.

  While this book was being finished, I finally made the move I’ve been talking about for the last decade, relocating from California to Washington. Much of this process happened while I was in New York on business or traveling along the West Coast on book tour. Thanks to my mother, Micki McGuire, for supervising the California end; to Jennifer Brozek, for keeping an eye on the new house until we could move in; and to Michelle Dockrey, my best beloved fox girl, for organizing the moving party on the Washington end. As Wesley so often says, it takes a village to keep a blonde from disappearing into the swamp and never being seen again.

  Thanks to my Magical Girl Urban Fantasy Tour buddies, Amber Benson and Sarah Kuhn; to all the bookstores that have hosted me in the last year; to Nikki and Mike (and Mina) for their hospitality, and to Cylia, for the cupcakes. Thanks to Borderlands Books, for
putting up with me. And to you: thank you, so much, for reading.

  Any errors in this book are my own. The errors that aren’t here are the ones that all these people helped me fix. I appreciate it so much.

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