The Here and This and Now

by Glenn Waldron

  I’m not working today because I need to spend some time with my family.

  I’m spending the day with, with Ruby my niece.’

  NIALLGood, good!

  GEMMAAnd Niall’s not best pleased obviously but, but stuff it.

  Because – I just think some things are more important than work sometimes.

  Don’t you think, Martin?

  I mean, I bet there’s more to you than work, isn’t there, Martin?

  And so, so we jump in the car and we head up the M4 and all the way, Ruby’s, like, so excited.

  Like ‘Auntie Gemma, just tell me where we’re going?’

  And we’re travelling for hours but then we – we finally get there.

  Beat.

  Madame Tussaud’s.

  And obviously now I’m in trouble with my boss. I’m really in – in the brown stuff. But I don’t really care.

  Because when I think about her face. When I think about Ruby’s face when she has her picture taken with her favourite popstars at Madame Tussaud’s, it’s just – just one of those moments, you know?

  And I just think that’s what it’s about.

  Those moments. Those Everyday Moments.

  Listen.

  Listen, Martin.

  Here’s a thought.

  Let’s not – let’s not do this today. Hmm?

  Let’s not do this, this dance we’re supposed to do.

  Because.

  Because, even though this is all new to me, I know you’re probably bored.

  Bored of hearing it day-in, day-out.

  The chat. The pitch.

  A never-ending stream of, of slippery sales reps. All slithering up to your desk.

  All wanting ‘just five minutes’ with the senior consultants.

  All with their, their ‘Breakthrough Discoveries’ for Urinary Tract Infections, their ‘Game-Changing Treatments’ for, for Abscessed Teeth.

  All promising the – the moon on a stick.

  Me: Bit of banter with the handsome office manager, do my pitch, knock-back, in the car, soggy tuna baguette at Gordano Services and on to the next one.

  You: Smile politely, get rid as fast as possible cos it’s nearly lunchtime, Ginster’s pasty and a cheeky fifteen minutes on Facebook.

  NIALLNice!

  GEMMA Well – let’s not do it then.

  Let’s not do that today.

  No free pens.

  No red velvet cupcakes.

  No weird fluffy creatures gathering dust on your desk. (I mean, what are those anyway?)

  NIALLExcellent, Gemma!

  GEMMA No pitch full of science-y gobbledegook that you and I both know we don’t understand.

  Let’s just – be honest.

  Let’s try and be – real.

  Because.

  I don’t know you, Martin. I don’t know if you’re or married. Or not.

  I don’t know what makes you tick.

  Don’t know if you’re, I dunno, saving up to go travelling.

  Sunday five-a-side with your mates. Friday-night beers down the pub.

  Gym a couple of times a week. Ticket for the gunshow, yeah?

  Job’s a bit of a stopgap. More at home pumping iron and, and climbing mountains than pushing… whatever.

  I’m not going to assume anything about you.

  I won’t.

  But I do know that deep down – deep down, Martin, you want to help.

  To help people live the lives they want to live.

  To experience those Everyday Moments.

  Everyday moments like – I dunno – taking my niece to see her favourite band (even if they are just waxworks!).

  Beat.

  Can I be honest with you, Martin?

  What I have with me today is not going to save the world.

  It’s not gonna change the, the shape of medicine as we know it.

  It’s –

  It’s –

  NIALLA new topica

  GEMMAShit, sorry.

  NIALLIt’s fi

  GEMMAI’m sorry, I really thought I had this.

  NIALLYou do. You’re doing grea

  GEMMASorry.

  Should I start again or?

  NIALLNo, no. You’re fi

  GEMMAI’m really sorry.

  NIALLIt’s good. It’s really go

  GEMMAUm.

  NIALLA new topical treatme

  GEMMAIt’s a new topical treatment for age-focused keratinisation disorders. It has a new active ingredient called Preponin and it’s three-point-two per cent more affordable than the gel you’re currently prescribing while retaining almost like-for-like efficacy.

  NIALLMeaning?

  GEMMAMeaning that it’s just that bit more affordable for your patients.

  Beat.

  Five minutes with the senior practitioners. Not three minutes or four minutes or – (Laughs.) ten minutes or.

  Five minutes.

  And maybe together.

  Maybe in our own small way today, we can make some more of those Everyday Moments.

  What do you say, Martin?

  6. Gemma and Robby

  GEMMA At least you’re using your knowledge.

  ROBBYWhat?

  GEMMA You said before lunch that you were totally fucked but –

  ROBBYAt least I’m using my knowledge?

  GEMMA Yes.

  ROBBYYay!

  GEMMA What?

  ROBBYI spend my days travelling the country trying to sell cut-price pile ointments and basically never get past the racist doctor’s receptionist who suspects me of vague terrorist associations the moment I walk in the door.

  Hardly ‘Living My Best Life’, y’know?

  GEMMA Still at least they’re quite – ethical, y’know. The company. McCabe.

  Quite honest.

  ‘No bullshit.’ ‘No free gifts.’

  Plus, you know, company perks. Pension plan. Car, eventually.

  Did you know they let you freeze your eggs or sperm? They have this facility in the Scottish Highlands.

  ROBBYGemma, how long have been with McCabe?

  GEMMA Three – no, four days.

  ROBBYYep.

  GEMMA What?

  ROBBYThe reason they let you freeze your eggs or sperm is because they invested in these cryopreservation units ages ago and no one’s using them. And they think if their employees are not so worried about having babies right now, than they can work us for longer.

  It’s purely economic.

  GEMMA Oh. Okay. So what about the ‘no gifts, no bullshit’?

  ROBBYThere’s no free gifts because the gift budget ran out in February.

  And there’s no bullshit because there’s not really anything we can bullshit about.

  There’s literally nothing to base the bullshit on.

  All we do are a bunch of ‘Me Toos’.

  GEMMA Me-what?

  ROBBY‘Me Toos’.

  Before a new drug comes out, there’s always a kind of arms race going on with all the big pharma companies. Because everyone’s trying to develop similar stuff.

  And someone wins and does it first and gets all the glory and someone loses and comes out six months later. And the one that comes out six months later has to try and sell the exact same thing – only without any real interest or benefits.

  ‘Me too’.

  And that’s always us.

  We’re literally the Shittest of the Shit and everyone knows it.

  GEMMA Oh.

  Beat.

  So are you?

  ROBBYWhat?

  GEMMA A terrorist?

  I just, just wanted to clear that up.

  ROBBY(Laughs.) Fucking hell.

  Beat.

  And what about you. Why are you here?

  GEMMA Why am I here?

  ROBBYYes.

  GEMMA At the awayday or –

  ROBBYNo, I mean. Here. McCabe, why are you –
<
br />   GEMMA Oh.

  I just –

  I saw an advert.

  I like driving.

  I like finding out about new things.

  I don’t mind talking to people.

  I needed a job.

  That’s it.

  ROBBYAnd you live with your sister.

  GEMMA Yeah, just until.

  It’s just –

  Temporary.

  Beat.

  ROBBYYou’ll be fine, you know.

  We don’t do anything you’d want to take anyway.

  GEMMA looks at him.

  I saw the way you’ve been handling the samples.

  Like you’re scared the pills are literally gonna pop themselves out the packaging and jump in your mouth of their own free will.

  Seen that before.

  GEMMA looks at ROBBY.

  Sorry. None of my –

  GEMMA No, it’s.

  (Trying to explain.) I had –

  It’s –

  ROBBYIt’s fine.

  Beat.

  So why don’t you live with your fiancé?

  GEMMA I don’t have a fiancé.

  ROBBYWell, your /

  GEMMA No boyfriend.

  ROBBYRight.

  They continue the game/exercise for a moment.

  7. Robby

  ROBBYThis?

  Beat.

  Oh it’s.

  Nothing.

  Laughs.

  Bit daft, really.

  My sister’s youngest.

  Frozen mad.

  Frozen posters.

  Frozen costumes.

  Loves dressing up as Elsa, does young… Edward.

  NIALLRobby –

  ROBBYWhat?

  NIALLI just think that’s too – complicated.

  For our client base.

  ROBBYOkay, okay.

  Beat.

  My sister’s youngest.

  Ed-wina…

  Frozen mad, she is.

  Frozen posters.

  Frozen costumes.

  Frozen peas /

  NIALLRobby –

  ROBBYThat’s actually funny!

  NIALLJust –

  ROBBYGot in a bit of trouble actually.

  With the boss.

  Niall.

  Little Edwina, she’s been a bit, bit ill recently –

  Oh nothing serious. Just a bit – chicken poxy but.

  Bit rubbish when it’s the holidays and all the other kids are out there playing and you’re stuck inside.

  Do you remember that, Sheena?

  (Coming out of the roleplay, to NIALL.) Because I have a question.

  I have a question, Niall.

  NIALLYes.

  ROBBYWhat if she’s not?

  NIALLWhat?

  ROBBYLooking.

  What if Sheena’s not looking at my Olaf-from-Frozen cufflinks?

  How do I ‘Captivate’ Sheena if she doesn’t even see them?

  Aren’t I – and here you’ll have to forgive my French – a little bit, well, fucked if Sheena on reception doesn’t even notice them?

  NIALLYou have to make her notice.

  ROBBYOkay, okay.

  Beat.

  (Continues.) So. So it’s yesterday and little Edwina, she’s finally rallying round, the tiny trouper, and she’s been in the house for two weeks. And she’s looking forward to going to the park and seeing all her pals and all that.

  But then Rob-ina, that’s my sister, she gets it too, the pox.

  Beat.

  I know. Who’d have thunk it?!

  And – (Stepping out again.) actually, Niall –

  Because um how?

  NIALLWhat?

  ROBBYHow do I make her notice my cufflinks?

  NIALLI don’t know. Do something with your arms.

  ROBBY does things with his arms.

  Not that.

  ROBBYI just think I need another ‘conversation trigger’, Niall.

  What about /

  NIALLYou’re not having an eye patch, Robby!

  ROBBYOkay okay. Jesus.

  Um, so.

  So I’m just about to leave for work. Yesterday. Got my car keys and I’m halfway out the door and, and then I see her, Sheena. Little Edwina. I see little Edwina, Sheena. See her just sat there and.

  She’s watched ‘Let it Go’ on loop for, like, five hours straight!

  And I get this idea in my head. Because it’s not right.

  It’s really a – a sad state of affairs, Sheena. Don’t you think?

  And I get this idea in my head and something in me snaps and I think, I think – excuse my French, Sheena – sacré bleu!

  Sacré bleu!

  And I phone up the boss and – I mean, I could pretend that I’m sick.

  Could say I’ve caught it off little Edwina (whose basic hygiene is frankly not the best, Sheena) but then I think, know what? Know what – today I’m gonna be honest.

  Not gonna sneak around.

  And I phone up my boss, who’s actually not really my boss because we started on the same day and we’re actually on the exact same spine-point pay-wise, only he threatened to leave unless they put Executive Manager in his title and /

  NIALLCan you get on with it, Robby –

  ROBBYAnd I say to him, ‘Niall.’ I say ‘Niall, me old mucker. Niall, you crazy office drone, you! Niall,

  I know it’s all chocka. I’ve know I’ve got appointments in Grimsby, Gravesend and Godalming all lined up but they’re going to have to wait because actually I’m not working today.

  I’m not working today because I’m going to spend some time with my family.

  I’m spending the day with little Edwina.’

  And Niall’s pretty mad obviously but stuff it.

  Because – I just think some things are more important than work sometimes.

  Don’t you think, Sheena?

  And then I get this idea. I get this idea for a surprise for little Edwina. So I jump in the car.

  And I head to the Disney Store in town.

  I head to the Disney Store in town and it’s the last one in the shop but they’ve got it:

  He starts singing the chorus to ‘Let it Go’.

  The Elsa Deluxe ‘Frozen Fever’ costume with detachable cape.

  And obviously now I’m in the doodoo with the boss. I’m in the doodoo up to my –

  But I don’t really care. Because when I think about her face. When I think about little Edwina’s face when she sees it, it’s just – it’s just one of those moments, you know?

  Those Everyday Moments.

  And you have to seize them, don’t you.

  You really have to just – just grab them by the nuts and squeeze.

  Really hard.

  Don’t you, Sheena?

  Beat. An idea is forming.

  Listen.

  Listen, Sheena.

  Here’s a thought.

  Beat.

  Let’s not do this today, hmm?

  Let’s not do this elaborate dance, this, this erotic fandango, yeah?

  Let’s just – not.

  Because.

  Because I know you’re probably bored.

  Bored of hearing it day-in, day-out.

  The chat. The pitch.

  A never-ending stream of, of slippery-yet-undeniably-attractive sales reps. All slithering up to your desk like, like a dangerous sex snake.

  All wanting just five minutes with the senior consultants.

  All with their, their Game-Changing Treatments for Acute Papulopustular Nodules, their Breakthrough Phenoxymethylpenicillins.

  You: Smile politely, get rid as fast as possible and head to the local cathedral to light a candle for your dying husband.

  Me: Bit of banter with the lovely receptionist, do my pitch, get told to get stuffed, cheeky wank in the disabled toilets at Gordano and on to the next one.

  NIALLGoodness’ s
ake, Robby.

  ROBBYWell – let’s not do it then.

  Let’s not do that today.

  No free pens.

  No cupcakes.

  No ‘everyone look under their chair, ooh it’s tickets to Jamaica and the keys to a new Ford Mustang’ moment.

  Nada.

  Let’s just – be honest.

  Let’s try and be real, shall we, Sheena?

  Because.

  I don’t know who you are, Sheena.

  I don’t know if you have a family, if you’re single.

  If you’re straight, gay, transgendered /

  NIALLRobby!

  ROBBYI don’t know if you’re ever tried fenugreek, ever wrestled naked, ever woken up in a cold, dark room with a corpse wrapped in clingfilm and your hands covered in blood.

  NIALLJust get on with it /

  ROBBYI can’t even guess.

  But I do know you want to help.

  To help people experience those Everyday Moments.

  Everyday moments like – like a little girl who is actually a boy swishing round his-slash-her living room in a highly flammable, sweatshop-made emblem of hyper-consumerism and globalisation masquerading as a signifier of individual expression and female empowerment.

  And that’s why I think you’re here too, Sheena.

  Can I be honest with you, Sheena?

  What I have with me today is not going to change the world.

  In fact, it’s actually contributing to our already potentially catastrophic over-reliance /

  NIALLCan we just finish this please?

  ROBBYOur already potentially catastrophic over-reliance on antibiotic and anti-viral solutions for the most inappropriate and frankly miniscule of medical complaints.

  NIALLRobby, change the record. We’re almost done.

  ROBBYIt’s a new topical treatment for age-focused keratinisation disorders called Seto – can’t we just say it, Niall?

  NIALLHmm?

  ROBBYCan’t we just say what it is?

  Can’t we just tell them it’s a new cream for liver spots?

  Because I think they might like to know.

  I think someone somewhere might like to know.

  NIALLJust say the words, Robby.

  ROBBYIt’s a new topical treatment for age-focused keratinisation disorders called Setova with an active ingredient Preponin and it’s three-point-two per cent more affordable than the gel you’re currently prescribing while retaining almost like-for-like efficacy.

  Meaning that it’s just that bit more affordable for your patients.

  Five minutes with the senior practitioners.

  Five minutes and maybe together. Maybe in our own small way today, we can make some of those everyday moments just a little bit better.