What do you say, Sheena?
Sheena?
Sheena?
(Screaming, as if the person he has loved most in the world has just died.) Sheena!
Beat.
Thank you and goodnight!
8. Gemma and Robby
GEMMA Because it’s not really that bad, is it?
ROBBYWhat?
GEMMA The job.
Talking to Niall at lunch.
Do it for a few years, he said.
Any good and they bump you up to Woking, he said.
ROBBY–
GEMMA What?
ROBBYNothing
GEMMA What?
ROBBYNothing.
GEMMA No, I mean, sure. But, y’know, Head Office.
Move up a few spine points.
Company car.
ROBBYRight.
GEMMA You don’t sound –
ROBBYNo, I mean, that’s – that’s great.
GEMMA You – you don’t want that? You don’t want to, to progress?
ROBBYNot really, no.
GEMMA No. No, I mean obviously it’s just – bullshit but.
Bit more money. Maybe in thirty years buy a flat.
ROBBYI just – I don’t really care much if I get a company car.
Or, or if I get some more spine points.
GEMMAOkay. Okay. But I mean Woking, well it’s – Woking’s Woking, it’s not New York or – but I mean it’s better than here.
Better quality of life. Better – shops.
ROBBYI just don’t think it works like that.
GEMMA Works like what?
ROBBYLike – do you think your life’s gonna be massivelydifferent if you get a job in Woking?
If you get a, a bigger flat with a few more square metres?
A Hyundai I20 with walnut trim instead of a Peugeot 208?
GEMMA Yeah but – you don’t think if you had a bit more money? If you could buy a flat or, go on nicer holidays –
ROBBYI think that would be nice but –
I think even if I was, like, a millionaire or – it wouldn’t really make me any happier. I don’t mean that in a dickheady way – like ‘oh, money wouldn’t change me blah blah’ – I just, I don’t think anything makes much difference.
In the long run.
GEMMA You don’t think anything /
ROBBYNot really, no.
I mean, say I won the Lottery or. Say I won, like, six million pounds or, or if you sent me into space. If you sent me on some space mission into space, okay?
GEMMA A space mission into space?
ROBBYYes, fuck off. If you sent me on this long space mission into space, then obviously for a few days it would be kind of incredible.
Obviously as we were sitting there waiting for take-off and then, and then you go into space and you’re, like, looking down on the world, looking down on the whole planet then I think that would be pretty, pretty yeah.
But then.
But then, like, on the third or the fourth day, I think I would wake up and I’d look out the window of the rocket at all the stars and the infiniteness of the space and everyone would still be like ‘this is absolutely incredible, this is absolutely incredible’ and, like –
GEMMA Sticking all these photos on their instagram?
ROBBYYeah. And I’d be like, ‘yeah, yeah totally’ but inside, inside I’d just be thinking ‘yeah, that’s nice’.
Just that: ‘Yeah, that’s nice.’
And then the next day, I’d look out and I’d be all, ‘Stars, yep. Infinite beauty of space, yep.’ Because by then actually I’d be thinking about what I’m gonna have for my tea.
Or, or how annoying it is the way this other guy in the rocket is, is /
GEMMA Brushing his teeth?
ROBBYYes! Or what’s that tiny blemish on the side of my neck and is it cancer. Or or –
GEMMA How you wish you’d put more stuff on your Kindle before you left?
ROBBYYes!
It’s like, it’s like you read an obituary.
GEMMA Cheery.
ROBBYYou read an obituary and it’s about this great explorer. It says they were this great explorer and they climbed Everest and they’ve discovered this new, this new species of plant and they’ve won this big award blah blah blah and they’ve done all these amazing things and it’s like – wow, amazing!
And you think, God, Fucking Amazing Life.
And it’s like that’s who they were. That was their life. But then I think, actually. Actually that wasn’t really their life, was it?
GEMMA Was it not?
ROBBYNo. Because I think their life was somewhere else, their life was something else.
And the climbing and the discovering and the standing on the podium for, like, three minutes was actually just, like, one-hundredth. No, not even that. Probably one-thousandth.
One hundred-thousandth of their actual life that was intense and new and.
And then the rest of the time. Just nothing. The actual Huge Massive Fuck-Off majority of their life was just all these tiny, tiny moments of – just blah.
Thinking about eating a Twix and then eating a Twix.
Being on hold to your internet provider.
Running out of toilet roll and wondering if kitchen roll actually flushes.
Wondering what’s the earliest you can eat lunch and then having lunch and then thinking how you wished you’d had your lunch later because now you’ve got nothing to look forward to and – and
I think that’s pretty much the same for everyone.
GEMMA Everyone?
ROBBYYes.
GEMMA Everyone on the planet?
ROBBYMaybe?
Yes. Yes, I do.
GEMMA That’s – excuse me, but that’s –
You think all human experience is essentially the same?
ROBBYOkay, not the same. Just – everyone says life is really short. But actually I think it’s pretty fucking long.
And it’s all these moments of just –
GEMMA Nothing?
ROBBYYes.
GEMMA Fucking hell.
ROBBYYes.
9. Helen
HELEN(Brightly. Nervous yet enthusiastic.) Hello.
I’m Helen.
How are you?
Beat.
I see – I see you’re looking at my, my earrings, Elaine.
My – guinea-pig earrings.
There’s a funny story about them, actually.
Well, not funny but –
Um.
My daughter, Maisie-Grace.
My daughter really loves guinea pigs.
Anything to do with guinea pigs.
Guinea-pig… pictures. Guinea-pig… films.
Guinea-pig… pasta?
NIALLKeep it going, Helen.
HELEN(To NIALL.) Sorry, that’s /
NIALLIt’s fine.
HELENJust sort of panicked.
NIALLTry and keep the momentum.
HELENOkay. Okay.
Um, so yesterday she had an accident.
My daughter, not the guinea pig and –
Um Niall. Can I just say ‘once’?
NIALLUm.
HELENCan I just say ‘Once, she had an accident’?
Because she did have an accident, only not yesterday. And I’d just feel more, more comfortable saying ‘once’ than /
NIALLOkay, sure.
HELENGreat.
NIALLIf you feel more comfortable with that.
HELENI do, yes.
Beat.
Um, lost my [thread].
NIALLYour daughter –
HELENOh yes, my daughter had an accident.
My daughter had an accident!
She was, she was in her room and.
Because we’ve just moved house, y’see.
Sort of, sort of downsized since Steve – that’s my husband – lost his job.
Again and.
And s
o, so we’re in this new house that we’re renting and.
I mean, it’s not as nice as the old one but it’s really okay I suppose.
And Maisie-Grace’s room’s at the top of the house.
It has this dormer window because it used to be
the loft.
And Maisie-Grace knows she’s not supposed to open the window because it’s too heavy for her.
And I told Steve to put a lock on it, I’ve told him off loads of times.
And it’s not like he’s got anything particularly, particularly pressing so I really don’t know why /
NIALLHelen, try to /
HELENOh yes.
Sorry, Niall!
So.
So anyway, it was first thing in the morning and that room does get very hot.
And Maisie-Grace, she got out of bed.
And she put the chair against the wall by the window.
And then she stood on the chair.
And she stood on the chair and she sort of opened the window but then it’s a very heavy window and that’s when it happened.
Came down on her finger.
The window, it came down on her finger.
Sort of sliced through her finger actually.
And then.
And then I went upstairs.
I went upstairs because of all the screaming and that and –
And then we’re in the A&E.
And I have to take a day off work because Steve’s got a job interview that morning and I phone up my boss Niall and –
He’s just really nice about it actually.
Concerned and.
Just – really nice about it.
About everything.
Beat.
NIALLHelen, let’s try to /
HELENRight, yes!
NIALLStick to the /
HELENSorry!
And.
And so we’re in A&E and –
And Maisie-Grace is lying there and she’s, she’s sort of half-awake and, and her finger is –
But then.
But then.
But then I show her a picture of a guinea pig!
And even though she was in a lot of pain.
Even though she was crying from the pain. Sort of, sort of wailing actually and, and vomiting and – and her finger’s like, just hanging there –
But then –
But then I show her the picture of the guinea pig and she –
She smiles.
She smiles at me and –
It’s a really nice moment.
An, an Everyday Moment.
Beat.
(To NIALL.) I don’t think that really works.
NIALLIt’s fine. Let’s just –
HELENSorry, Niall. I’m really sorry.
NIALLI know you are, Helen.
Let’s just keep going. Keep it going.
HELENUm.
I have an idea, Lorraine – Elaine.
Let’s.
Let’s cut through this – this fucking bullshit!
NIALLToo much.
HELENThis – bloody nonsense.
Because.
Because let’s not – dance together.
Let’s just be honest and.
I mean, all these people coming into your office.
Trying to sell you things.
A – a never-ending stream of, of slithering sales reps /
NIALLGood!
HELENSlithering up to you with their, their pills and potions and.
Talking mumbo-jumbo that you /
NIALLWe –
HELENWe don’t understand.
Well let’s not do that.
Let’s not do that, Lorr– Elaine.
I want to just talk to you today.
Talk honestly as – as your friend /
NIALLToo much.
HELENAs your – salesperson?
HELEN has forgotten what’s next.
NIALLGimmicks.
HELENThere’s no free gifts!
I haven’t got anything with me so – so you’re not getting anything so…
Let’s just be honest.
Because –
NIALLWho are they?
HELENBecause I don’t know who you are, Elaine. I don’t know if you’re –
NIALLWhat’s on her desk? Imagine what’s on the desk –
HELENI don’t know if you’re um, a married lady in her early fifties with a stapler, a cuddly toy and pictures of a Golden Retriever on her desk or, or Not.
NIALLIs she here to save lives?
HELENBut I do know you don’t want to save lives.
I mean you’d like to save lives but you – that’s not really your priority so…
NIALLNow ‘Associate’. First Captivate, now Associate.
HELENBecause what you care about are Moments, Elaine. Everyday Moments.
Everyday moments like – like my daughter’s finger being partly amputated below the knuckle and /
NIALLNow ‘honest’.
HELENAnd I’m going to be honest with you, Elaine.
What I have with me today is not going to rock your world. Change your world. It’s not really going to change your world. The world. It’s not going to change the world.
NIALLKeep going, keep going!
HELENIt’s – (Takes a big breath and rushes through this.) a new topical treatment for age-focused keratinisation disorders called Setova and it’s three-point-two per cent more affordable than the gel you’re currently prescribing while retaining almost like-for-like efficacy.
NIALLGood! And what does that mean?
HELENWhich means that it’s cheap. It’s really really cheap! So cheap –
NIALLAnd what’s that?
HELENAnd that’s – that’s a really good thing, isn’t it? That’s a really good thing for your patients and – for everyone. For old people and young people and white people and French people and –
NIALLNow let’s really go for it. Kill, Helen. Kill!
HELEN(Wild and desperate.) Five minutes!
Please! I just need five minutes!
Just five minutes.
I don’t want three minutes or four minutes or six minutes. I want five minutes!
You’ve got to give me five minutes!
NIALLOkay now for the kiss-off.
HELENAnd together. Together we can really just –
Just.
NIALLBring it back to the moments –
HELENWe can make some really great moments together, yeah?
NIALLEveryday Moments /
HELENI mean Everyday Moments.
Not like – sexy moments.
Everyday Moments.
We can make them even better.
The Everyday Moments.
What do you say, Lorraine?
Sorry – Elaine.
What do you say, Elaine?
Beat.
Sorry, Niall, can I try that again? I’d really like to try that again.
NIALLThat was fine, Helen. Don’t worry about it.
HELENAre you sure?
NIALLYes, you’re fine.
HELENOkay.
Because it’s just an exercise, isn’t it?
It’s not – it doesn’t count towards, anything, does it?
NIALLYou’re fine.
HELENOkay.
Great.
Thank you.
Thank you, Niall.
10. Gemma and Robby
GEMMA You’re a prostitute.
ROBBYWhat?
GEMMA I’ve been thinking about what you said earlier. About all human experience being essentially
the same.
ROBBYI didn’t quite put it like that –
GEMMA So say you’re a prostitute.
You’re living in – Mumbai. You’re living in Mumbai and you’re a prostitute /
ROBBYAw, man, don’t make me a prostitute in Mumbai.
GEMMA
Okay, not a prostitute but –
ROBBYI wouldn’t make you a prostitute in Mumbai.
GEMMA Not a prostitute but – you’re an opium addict.
ROBBYAn opium addict. So I’m in the 1920s now or –
GEMMA Shut up. It’s the 1920s or it’s now, it doesn’t really matter. You’re a drug addict. You’re a drug addict and you live in a slum and, and just to survive you have to find some money to live and every day you have to do all manner of things –
ROBBYOh aye.
GEMMA Not sex-related things. Just horrible, terrible, terrifying non-sex-related things that you didn’t enjoy. And then you get your fix and it’s, it’s just – like heaven.
And – and your life is just full of the Highest Highs and the Lowest Lows.
ROBBYOkay.
GEMMA Don’t you think that’s different to your nice but relatively uneventful office job in Woking?
ROBBYUm, one: not actually going to Woking because Woking’s shit.
And two: maybe not.
I mean, my experience of it. Because you have those moments, those initial moments of, of wonder and discovery and terror and awe.
But then, then I think our bodies build up, our bodies build up a kind of resistance – to that.
To the pain and the terror but also to all the joy and – wonder.
And then after that it’s just –
And I just don’t think it makes any real difference really.
What we do. It’s like, we try and control it. Life. But we can’t.
Between what goes on out there, and what’s happening in here, we’re all just –
GEMMA Locked?
ROBBYYes.
In the now.
In these moments, these –
GEMMA‘Everyday Moments’?
ROBBYHaha, yes!
Everyday moments or – eternal moments or –
Only these moments are not like intense or thrilling or scary or anything – it’s just worry and, and banality and boredom.
We’re all just stuck in the here and this and –
And that’s actually just exhausting. It’s just full of nothing.
And nothing really changes that.
Everything just continues and no moments change that.
It’s now.
And now.
And now.
And now.
And that’s all it is.
GEMMA Wow, okay.
But can’t you change that?
Can’t you change the way you experience these moments by, by –
ROBBYMoving to Woking?
GEMMA Maybe, yes!
ROBBYBut what would that change really? Just – everything continues.
The Here and This and Now Page 3