It all just goes on in pretty much the same way. Whatever we do.
Nothing breaks through that and nothing really changes.
GEMMA Okay, well.
Okay. What if, what if you had a kid.
What if we had a kid?
ROBBYBit soon, no?
GEMMA Shut up. What if we had a kid and /
ROBBYOur kid would look like a monkey.
GEMMA Well, A. That’s racist /
ROBBYHow can it be racist? I can’t be racist /
GEMMA B. Our kid would be fucking incredible.
They catch each other’s eyes.
And C. Just, just be quiet and run with this.
ROBBYIs this your way of talking guys into bed? ‘What if we had a baby?’ Because it’s really not very /
GEMMA No! This has nothing to do with the, the reproductive element.
ROBBYThe reproductive element – you bad girl.
GEMMASay – say if I froze my eggs with McCabe. And you stored my sperm with them. And then somewhere down the line, we, like, defrosted it. The sperm and the egg and – and we put it together and –
ROBBYDo you actually know how babies are made?
GEMMA And then I use the sperm and the egg and I’m pregnant. And the day comes and.
And I give birth. I give birth to this incredible new being and –
ROBBYWould he be in to dinosaurs? Because I really think he’d be in to dinosaurs. Diplodocus would be his favourite /
GEMMA And it’s the most incredible moment –
ROBBYI’d take him to the Natural History Museum and he’d be really into dinosaurs –
GEMMA Would you shut up about dinosaurs for a moment?! We unfreeze the sperm and eggs from the cryopreservation unit and we have a baby and it’s the most beautiful and incredible moment. And there’s life. There’s this whole new life. And it’s this one moment. It’s only one moment but –
ROBBYBut that’s all it is. Just one moment. And everything just continues. It doesn’t change /
GEMMA It changes everything! That changes everything! How does that not change everything?
ROBBYOkay. Okay. Let’s do a test.
Like, what are you thinking right now?
GEMMA Right now?
ROBBYYes.
Because, full disclosure, right now, I’m wondering if I need a poo.
Do I? (Tests himself.) No, I’m good.
GEMMA Gross.
ROBBYNo, seriously.
But I mean, that moment.
That moment’s gone. But when I click my fingers, when I click my fingers, I want you to say exactly what’s going through your mind. And I bet it’s something stupid.
GEMMA Aw, thanks!
ROBBYNot because it’s you. Just – because.
Because that’s how we’re programmed.
Because we’re programmed to just exist.
Because our lives just continue from insignificant moment to insignificant moment and there’s nothing we can really do about that.
So tell me what you’re thinking.
Because I bet it’s something just totally miniscule.
Okay.
GEMMA Okay.
Beat.
Now /
GEMMA pulls a face.
ROBBYFuck off. Be serious.
Do it again.
Beat.
Now. What are you thinking?
GEMMA I’m wondering /
ROBBYYes
GEMMA I’m wondering /
ROBBYGo on /
GEMMA I’m wondering if this is it.
ROBBYIt?
GEMMA The start.
ROBBYThe start?
What are you talking about /
GEMMA The start of us.
ROBBYYou’re –
GEMMA Yes.
ROBBYOf –
GEMMA Yes.
There’s a long moment. They just look at each other.
Eventually:
ROBBYRight, well that’s just –
Because that’s –
Beat.
Throw me the ball.
B: ANOTHER PRESENTATION
There’s a table, a laptop, a projector and various cables in the space plus a large holdall. For several minutes, HELEN is moving around the space setting things up – plugging cables in sockets, nervously fiddling with the laptop, attempting to get it all to work. Throughout, NIALL is seated on a high-backed chair, very still, his hands in his lap, looking at HELEN.
HELENI think this goes in… nope.
Just gonna…
Really old equipment so…
Ah.
They sit there waiting for it to load.
Sorry!
Won’t be [long]. Just waiting for it to –
Pause. A nervous smile from HELEN.
How’s Martine? Is she okay?
NIALL just looks at her.
And the children? What about – I think it’s Jack and – and Molly?
NIALL continues to look at her.
Must be, wow, teenagers by now I suppose.
Ah, here we go.
Finally a slide is projected on to the wall behind.
The slide says: ‘Presentation to Niall Barnett by Helen Smith, 20th May 2023’.
HELEN adjusts the sizing of the slide on the wall, then finds a place to stand.
Okay.
(Remembers something.) Oh.
She takes out a series of crib notes from her pocket. Composes herself.
Um. First of all, I want to thank you all for coming here today.
NIALL looks at HELEN.
I mean, not. Not all of you.
Because there’s only…
(Explains.) That’s – because I wasn’t sure how many of you there’d be so – not all of you.
Just – you.
Niall.
She takes a pen out and crosses that out on the card.
Also, you didn’t really come here today, did you? Because I came to you so.
So that’s – that’s Not A Thing, either.
Crosses that out on her crib card.
Sorry!
Bit nervous!
Okay. Um.
Looks at notes.
Sorry, do you mind if I just – start again?
NIALL looks at HELEN.
Won’t be a second, sorry.
HELEN attempts to compose herself. Perhaps writes something else on the card.
Starts again. Second attempt.
Good morning. Niall. And thank you for seeing
me today.
I know that you’re a very busy person and I don’t want to take up any more of your time than is necessary.
I know this is not – not ideal circumstances
I suppose, but I just wanted to say right now that
I really appreciate your… your…
Looks at NIALL.
Yep.
Goes to the next card.
Now. I know you’re probably wondering what’s – what’s going on.
Well, let’s start with the basics.
She clicks a button. A new slide appears with the words ‘Who am I?’
Who am I?
She clicks again and there’s a picture of her. Maybe a holiday snapshot.
Who am I?
My name is Helen Agnetha Smith.
I mean, you probably know that.
Probably remembered that.
Not my middle name.
I don’t know if you knew my middle name.
Just –
The first one.
Beat.
Soooooo. My name is Helen Smith.
I just said that.
Clicks and ‘Helen Smith’ appears on the slide.
Helen Smith.
And I’m:
She clicks. The words appears on the screen, each time she clicks, maybe in some kind of bad spider diagram.
Click.
A mother.
Click.
businesswoman.
Click.
A former Christian Scientist.
Click.
Your former employee.
That’s – yep.
Click. ‘Badminton player’.
And a keen badminton player.
Beat.
You possibly don’t need to know that but –
Just a thing I thought I’d –
(Nervously looking at notes.) Regional runners-up so –
NIALL continues to look at her.
Now. So that’s a bit about me.
Do – do you have any questions so far?
Beat.
No? Okay.
HELEN nervously looks through her notes.
So.
So the second thing I guess you’re also wondering about is this. Why all this?
I mean, not this – (Indicating the room and them.) or. We’ll come to that in a bit but.
I mean, this. (Points to the PowerPoint.) The screen and the –
(Reads from notes.) ‘Why has Helen gone to all this effort?’ You’re saying.
‘Why doesn’t Helen just tell me what she wants?’ You’re saying.
‘Why don’t we just sit down and have an informal chat?’ You’re…
NIALL says nothing.
Well. Niall. These are all very valid questions. And to answer them, I would ask you to cast your mind back to that awayday we did.
Do you remember that awayday, Niall?
HELEN looks at NIALL but NIALL does not respond.
We arrived on the Wednesday and all day we did, like, these bonding exercises and role-plays and then it was the evening and.
And – yeah.
And then on the Thursday we did this assault course and Tracey Denham broke a metacarpal and then we all did that test.
The, Myers Briggs-whatnot.
Do you remember?
NIALL just looks at her.
We did the assault course and Tracey Denham broke her metacarpal. And then we had lunch. And after lunch, we did the test.
And it was all these really random questions like ‘If you were a type of horse, what breed would you be?’
And then they did the results of the test and do you remember the results of the test?
You had this chart, this chart on the screen.
And it had, like, a red square, a green square, a blue square and a purple one.
And they went through everyone’s results and everyone was in the blue square or in the green square.
And everyone was saying how weird it was they were all in the blue square or the green square and then it came to me and I was in the purple. I was a INFP or a IFNJ or something – I never really knew what they stood for – but I was in the top-right-hand corner. I was in the purple as you far as you could be.
And everyone was laughing and joking and calling me, like, Purple Helen or something, and I was laughing too but I could see you weren’t laughing.
I could see you weren’t laughing.
Beat. They look at each other.
(Collecting herself, looking at her cards.) Anyway, what that meant, what that meant was that
Click.
As a person, I am:
Click.
Emotional.
Click.
Non-rational.
Click.
Non-logical.
Click.
Driven by passion.
Click.
A typical woman.
I don’t know if the test said that one exactly but it’s basically what it means, isn’t it?
NIALL–
HELENYou can just – say something.
If you want to.
NIALL–
HELENSoooo.
(Looking at notes.) Sorry, lost my –
So, yes. So that’s why I’m doing this, Niall.
The presentation.
Because – because I need you to understand what has brought me here.
I want to talk to you in a – in a Rational and Logical way.
I want to approach you in a way that is Reasoned and Logical.
In a way that is Non-Emotive and Transparent and.
I want to present you with just the facts.
And then maybe if I do that –
Maybe if I do that then you’ll understand.
Maybe you’ll understand and you’ll help.
You’ll want to – to help me.
Okay?
Okay?
NIALL–
HELENNiall, please. I really need you to say something now.
Just – something. Please.
NIALL–
HELEN looks at note cards. Goes back into presentation mode.
HELENOkayyyyyy. So now you know a bit about me, your next question is probably ‘Why am I here?’
Clicks to a slide that says ‘Why Am I Here?’
Why am I here?
Why has Helen Smith – Helen Smith who I have not seen in six years.
Helen Smith who I… why has she suddenly turned up out of the blue on my doorstep?
Why is Helen Smith doing an old-fashioned PowerPoint in my living room at – (Looks at her watch.) three thirty-two a.m. on a Thursday morning. Or – evening.
(Reads from notes.) ‘Why is she here and what is it that she could possibly want?’
HELEN clicks to the next slide. ‘Why Helen Has Come Here and What Does She Want?’
Yes.
Well, to answer that question in a non-emotive and and reasoned way, I need to give you a bit of context.
Clicks again. ‘A Considered and Rational Background History of Why Helen Smith is Here’. The following presentation should be accompanied by assorted relevant images as HELEN clicks through.
In 1977, Star Wars hits the cinemas, Elvis dies and the French use the guillotine for the very last time.
Click. A collection of images.
It is also the year that Malcolm and Kath Partridge of Lowestoft see the arrival of their second child,
a girl they call Helen Agnetha.
Click. A picture of a baby.
That’s – that’s me.
Click.
Helen is quite a shy, nervous girl. She sometimes wishes she had the natural outgoingness and less curly hair of her older sister, Susan, but overall her childhood is not especially unhappy and she looks back on it with a vague sense of contentment.
Click.
When Helen is sixteen, she gets a part-time job in WHSmiths.
Click.
One day a man called Steve Smith comes in and asks her if they have this month’s copy of Practical PC and Helen says she’ll check in the back and they don’t but then they go for a drink and eventually get married.
Click.
They have two children together and move from Lowestoft to Harlow and sometimes Helen wonders what would have happened if she continued with cello lessons as her cello teacher said she had some natural talent in that area but overall I think she is quite content.
Click.
(A thought.) Lots of things happen in the world during this time including the fall of the Berlin wall, 9/11, an increase in out-of-town supermarkets and the internet.
Click.
In July 2011, Helen’s husband Steve loses his job at Network Rail. In the same month, Helen begins work as a part-time administrative assistant for McCabe Healthcare. She is very pleased with this job and gives it her all.
Click.
In March 2013, Steve retrains as a self-employed Domestic Energy Assessor. This is not a good idea.
In the same month, Britain’s Chief Medical Officer Dame, Dame Sally Davies, argues that the threat posed by antibiotic resistance should be ranked alongside acts of terrorism and climate change as a threat to global welfare. Blaming our excessive use of antibiotics as well as the pharmaceutical industry’s general disintere
st in this unprofitable area in research, ‘Antimicrobial resistance is’, she says,
Click.
‘a ticking time bomb for the world’. Nobody seems that fussed at the time.
In March 2017, Helen is let go from her job at McCabe. At the time, her boss says it is nothing personal and that it is part of a ‘wider programme of company streamlining and dedicated cutbacks’, which, because Helen is quite a meek person at this point and because it is cloaked in business-speak and definitely sounds like A Thing, she accepts without questioning.
HELEN coughs.
Click.
In September 2017, the South Sudan News Agency reports a number of deaths at a village hospital outside Pibor Post. In each case, small liquid-filled lumps appear under the skin, swelling the victim’s heads and bodies until they suffocate.
The story is not covered by any global media at this time.
Click.
In October 2017 Helen is diagnosed with low-level depression and anaemia, and takes a distance learning course in Hopi Ear Candling.
Suddenly NIALL’s left arm falls from his lap. As it hangs limply at his side, it becomes clear he cannot move it, or any of the rest of his body.
They both just look at this arm dangling there for a moment.
NIALL then looks at HELEN.
HELEN eventually comes over to NIALL and rearranges him, placing his hand back in his lap.
Um… where was I?
Ah, okay.
In November 2017, the first European case of
the so-called Nubes virus (named because of the victim’s cloud – or marshmallow-like appearance at the point of death) is reported in Amsterdam, carried by a Dutch woman coming back from a fly-and-flop fortnight in Sharm el Sheikh.
Click. Image.
Caused by a mutated variant in the bacteria Klebsiella, the virus is aggressively opportunistic in nature and transmitted by human contact, with hospitals, schools, churches and nightclubs all becoming key sites of infection.
Click. Image.
After Central Africa and the Middle East, it spreads rapidly across Europe and North America, somewhat dampening President Trump’s view that it is God’s punishment on Islam.
Click. Image.
In May 2018, Lorna Granger, a woman who Helen went to school with, becomes the first person she knows to die of the new virus.
Click: a small photo of Lorna Granger.
It’s quite concerning at the time but because Helen has not seen Lorna face to face for over twenty-six years and is only really friends with her on Facebook then it is quite sad in a way but it does not overly impact the day-to-day business of her life.
A few months go by and then it is Martin Hewson, the builder who worked on their Harlow extension.
The Here and This and Now Page 4