The Emotional Wound Thesaurus

by Becca Puglisi

  Mistrusting even one’s closest friends

  Looking for deceit; believing that every person has a hidden agenda

  Believing that others are guilty until proven innocent

  Avoiding seeing old friends out of embarrassment

  Avoiding family functions where awkward questions will be asked

  Dropping out of social circles one used to frequent with one’s partner

  Lashing out at the person on social media

  Outing the person as a means of avenging oneself

  Laughing it off or making jokes about it to avoid showing one’s hurt

  Hounding friends to find out if they knew or suspected the truth about one’s partner

  Avoiding new romantic relationships

  Not telling others the truth about why the relationship ended

  Choosing partners who embody a clear sexual preference (being highly macho, overtly feminine, etc.)

  Choosing partners with biases (homophobes, those with an extreme standpoint on sexual identity, etc.)

  Struggling with bouts of depression

  Being healthily cautious when starting new relationships in the future so one’s eyes are wide open

  Being more appreciative of the trustworthy people in one’s life

  Adopting honesty as a core character trait

  Seeking partners for whom honesty is a core trait

  Training oneself to become more observant, perceptive, or analytical to avoid being fooled again

  PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM

  Attributes: Analytical, bold, cautious, discreet, empathetic, honest, honorable, loyal, merciful, meticulous, observant, perceptive, philosophical, private, socially aware, traditional

  Flaws: Abrasive, antisocial, callous, cruel, fanatical, haughty, inflexible, judgmental, macho, nosy, paranoid, prejudiced, promiscuous, resentful, self-destructive, vindictive, withdrawn

  TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND

  Recalling clues to the truth that one didn’t recognize at the time

  Friends or family members saying that they suspected the truth from the beginning

  Overhearing hurtful gossip

  Catching another loved one in a big lie

  Being the last to know something, even when it is an oversight or completely harmless

  OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND

  Suspecting a friend’s partner of living a lie and having to choose whether or not to speak up

  A love interest being honest and transparent about their past but disclosing something worrisome, like infidelity with a previous partner

  Seeing the ex move on while one is alone, miserable, and mired in insecurity and distrustfulness

  Entering a new relationship and discovering that one’s partner has lied about something important, such as their name, marital status, or criminal record

  RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS

  DISCOVERING A SIBLING’S ABUSE

  EXAMPLES

  Witnessing the abuse firsthand (seeing or hearing it occur)

  Discovering the abuse after the fact when one’s sibling opened up about it

  Realizing a sibling has allowed herself or himself to be victimized in order to shield one from harm

  Learning about the abuse in a sibling’s suicide note

  Being told about it by a friend or family member the sibling had confided in

  BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Safety and security, love and belonging, esteem and recognition, self-actualization

  FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED

  I failed because I didn’t protect him (or her) from this.

  How did I not know? I’m too stupid to see what’s in front of me.

  I should have taken the abuse myself.

  I am unworthy of love, respect, or trust.

  I can’t help others; I will only fail or let them down.

  Because I failed my sister when she needed me most, I deserve only pain and unhappiness.

  This failure is a permanent stain; I deserve the guilt it brings.

  I can’t protect the people I love.

  I don’t deserve to feel safe and secure—not when my sibling had that taken away.

  THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…

  Trusting people, especially ones who are like the abuser

  Being responsible for others and screwing it up

  Misreading people and missing a threat

  Being unable to protect loved ones

  Failing to protect someone again

  Being rejected for being a bad sister or brother

  Being exploited when they are at their weakest

  POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS

  Denial (initially); not wanting to believe that one was wrong about something so important

  Subservience to one’s sibling to alleviate guilt and make up for the perceived past failing

  Trying to help “fix” the sibling

  Anger and outbursts, even violence

  Blaming adults close to the situation for not preventing the abuse, even if they didn’t know it was happening

  A desire for revenge

  Not taking anyone at face value; believing that trust must always be earned

  Seeing signs of abuse where there are none

  Second-guessing one’s decisions, especially in situations where one is responsible for others

  Growing overprotective of loved ones

  Viewing any secret as toxic; developing a compulsion to speak the truth

  Cutting all ties with the abuser

  Digging into suspected secrets to uncover the truth

  Wanting to know where loved ones are at all times

  Fine-tooth-combing one’s memories to find clues one might have missed

  Being confused about conflicting emotions (relief over not being abused oneself, guilt for being relieved, hatred toward family members for not catching the abuse, etc.)

  Placing oneself in risky situations that increase the likelihood one will be hurt out of a deep sense of guilt and believing one deserves pain

  Backing away from responsibility for fear of messing up again

  Deep feelings of shame that keep one from being near the abused sibling

  Self-harm, medicating with alcohol or drugs, or other self-destructive behaviors

  Becoming very alert and observant out of fear of missing the signs again

  Offering unconditional love and support to the sibling

  Encouraging the sibling to seek counseling and offering to go with them to show support

  PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM

  Attributes: Affectionate, alert, appreciative, courageous, empathetic, generous, honest, honorable, humble, introverted, kind, loyal, merciful, nurturing, obedient, observant, patient, perceptive, persistent, private, protective, resourceful, responsible, spiritual, supportive, unselfish

  Flaws: Confrontational, cowardly, humorless, inhibited, insecure, nervous, paranoid, promiscuous, reckless, self-destructive, subservient, suspicious, timid, uncommunicative, violent, volatile, withdrawn, workaholic

  TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND

  Seeing signs (even false ones) that a loved one is being abused, such as personality shifts or acting out

  Seeing the abuser and one’s sibling together at church, a birthday party, or other event

  A memory surfacing that was a clue to the abuse but one didn’t recognize it at the time

  Being touched unexpectedly (not seeing the interaction coming)

  Situations where one’s sibling is being criticized or judged by others

  OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND

  Being blamed by the sibling for not recognizing or stopping the abuse

  Family members not believing the sibling and siding with the alleged abuser

  Resentment toward one’s parents for not intervening (even if they also had no idea the abuse was occurring) which causes a rift, and wanting to move past those feeling to repair the re
lationship

  Wanting to be close to one’s sibling again after the discovery but having to forgive oneself to do so

  Having children who fight constantly and wanting them to realize they should value a sibling’s love

  RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS

  DOMESTIC ABUSE

  NOTES: Domestic abuse is any ongoing pattern of behavior by an intimate partner intended to exert power and control over the other. Males or females can be targeted, and the mistreatment can be physical, sexual, psychological, and verbal in nature.

  EXAMPLES

  Constant accusations of things the victim isn’t guilty of, such as cheating, lying, or disrespect

  Verbally shaming the victim (at home, in public, or around family members)

  Distancing or isolating the victim from family and friends

  Controlling the victim’s money and finances and making important decisions for them

  Dictating the victim’s physical appearance (hairstyle, clothing choices, makeup, etc.)

  Physical violence and threatening the victim through words, facial expressions, and posture

  Pressuring the victim to have sex or forcing her into sexual activity she isn’t comfortable with

  Stalking (online and off)

  Destroying the victim’s property or threatening their loved ones and pets

  The perpetrator blaming the victim for the abusive behavior

  Gaslighting (manipulation using denial, misdirection, and contradiction to disorient a victim, causing them to question their own sanity, abilities, actions, and beliefs)

  BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Physiological needs, safety and security, love and belonging, esteem and recognition, self-actualization

  FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED

  If I were more intelligent (or a better wife, husband, etc.), he or she wouldn’t treat me this way.

  If you love someone deep enough, they’ll change.

  This is what love is.

  I’m defective and don’t deserve any better.

  Other people will always have power over me if I let them get close.

  I’m weak and I always will be.

  THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…

  Uncertainty and the unknown (from living in constant fear of what will happen next)

  Retribution from the abuser, should they try to leave

  For the safety of their children

  Not being able to care for themselves financially or raise the kids alone

  The removal of their children if the authorities should find out

  The police (if this was taught by the abuser)

  Being perceived as weak if the abuse becomes known

  That the abuser is right; believing the lie that they are stupid, unlovable, or worthless

  POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS

  Conforming one’s will to the abuser’s and losing all sense of self

  Catering to the abuser’s needs and following a routine based on their demands

  Internalizing what the abuser says (believing that one is lazy, slutty, stupid, ugly, etc.)

  Provoking or taking abuse to shield others in the household, like one’s children

  Depression, dissociation, and gaps in one’s memory

  Fearing for one’s life or the life of one’s children as abuse escalates

  Secretly honing an ability (self-defense, a career skill, etc.) to help one escape

  Aligning with people who could help one escape, like a police officer, a social worker, or someone with a room to rent

  Leaving with nothing (not wanting to provoke more rage by taking things)

  Seeking sanctuary (with a friend, at a shelter, at a home for families at risk)

  Being hyperalert even after one is freed from the situation

  Having flashbacks and nightmares

  Experiencing anxiety or panic attacks when one feels threatened

  Fear-driven behavior and actions; expecting the worst to happen

  Feeling nervous when out; routinely scanning for an exit or escape and looking over one’s shoulder

  Keeping one’s guard up; having difficulty trusting anyone new

  Feeling followed and watched; struggling to find a normal routine

  Worrying one is too weak to cope, too broken to succeed (believing the lie)

  Falling apart when the kids aren’t around (through crying, depression, or self-medicating)

  Avoiding new relationships

  Struggling with intimacy and trust

  Seeking out free or subsidized counseling

  Talking out one’s fears with others who have been through the process

  Cutting or dyeing one’s hair and changing a wardrobe both to feel safe and to embrace a new start

  PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM

  Attributes: Adaptable, affectionate, appreciative, cooperative, courteous, discreet, gentle, humble, merciful, nurturing, obedient, private, protective, supportive, tolerant, traditional

  Flaws: Cynical, defensive, dishonest, flaky, forgetful, fussy, humorless, ignorant, indecisive, inhibited, insecure, martyr, needy, nervous, subservient, timid, uncommunicative, weak-willed

  TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND

  Seeing one’s child expressing violent behavior that is clearly a response to the abuse they witnessed

  Flashing back to a particularly abusive experience

  Being contacted by one’s abuser after leaving

  Experiencing a sensory trigger specific to one’s abuser (the scent of sweat, beer breath, seeing the item that was often used as a weapon, etc.)

  Seeing a child with suspicious bruising or a friend with frequent wounds

  OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND

  Being too afraid to pursue a relationship with someone who seems great, then questioning one’s choice

  Realizing that one is repeating the cycle of abuse with one’s children or a new partner

  Losing a job, friend, or lover due to a substance abuse problem that’s being used to mask one’s pain

  Meeting a survivor who embodies strength, and wanting to find one’s own

  RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS

  FINANCIAL RUIN DUE TO A SPOUSE’S IRRESPONSIBILITY

  EXAMPLES: Experiencing financial devastation due to a spouse…

  Secretly overextending their credit and being unable to hide the lie any longer

  Investing in questionable companies and initiatives that go bad

  Draining joint accounts to pay for a habit (drinking, drugs, prostitutes, gambling, etc.)

  Being fired or laid off and depleting the savings account to avoid admitting it

  Falling prey to scams and not wising up in time

  Loaning a friend or relative money that is never paid back

  Who is a hoarder, collector, or compulsive shopper

  Running up credit card debt or a personal line of credit to support a failing business

  Borrowing money from questionable people who then call in the debt

  BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Physiological needs, safety and security, love and belonging, esteem and recognition, self-actualization

  FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED

  I can’t trust anyone to handle money but myself.

  My instincts and judgment are flawed, especially when it comes to relationships.

  Trusting other people is foolish.

  I need to use my head, not my heart.

  The only way my future is safe is if I am in control.

  THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…

  Trusting the wrong person

  Living in poverty or becoming homeless

  Going into debt

  Making a bad decision that leads to more instability

  An illness or disaster that further stresses their financial situation

  Taking risks

  What the future will hold

  POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS

  Leaving one’s spouse<
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  Difficulty trusting others; always wondering if they’re being honest or hiding things

  Obsessively watching one’s bank account

  Insisting on maintaining separate finances in future relationships

  Demanding to know how money is being spent within the family (wanting to see receipts, etc.)

  Restricting access to one’s accounts and investments

  Refusing to use credit cards

  Clipping coupons

  Only engaging in free or cheap activities

  Becoming stingy (e.g., resenting having to kick in money for a co-worker’s birthday cake)

  Feeling guilty when spending money on oneself

  Buying used items instead of new ones

  Minimizing the importance of holidays to avoid having to buy gifts

  Not going out with friends to avoid spending money

  Reusing and repurposing items

  Going without

  Becoming risk averse

  Taking advantage of any money-making opportunity

  Taking on extra jobs and sacrificing downtime to do so

  Becoming protective of what one has left

  Taking charge of one’s finances in a realistic and expectable fashion, rather than leaving them for someone else in the family

  Consulting a financial advisor or family member with wisdom in this arena to figure out what to do

  Creating a plan to climb out of debt, and sticking to it

  Becoming less concerned with material things

  PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM

  Attributes: Analytical, cautious, centered, decisive, disciplined, efficient, focused, industrious, just, mature, meticulous, organized, persistent, proactive, protective, resourceful, sensible, simple, thrifty, wise

  Flaws: Apathetic, catty, compulsive, controlling, disloyal, fussy, greedy, humorless, impatient, inflexible, insecure, irrational, judgmental, nagging, nosy, obsessive, possessive, resentful, stingy, workaholic, worrywart

  TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND

  A glitch in one’s banking records that temporarily shows a great loss