The Emotional Wound Thesaurus

by Becca Puglisi

  Making an important discovery (scientific, medical, etc.) and having an employer lay claim to it

  Netting a big client, then having one’s boss take the credit

  Discovering that one’s software or app has been pirated and distributed, cheating one of revenue

  Seeing knockoffs of one’s work being sold by others

  BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Esteem and recognition, self-actualization

  FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED

  No one can be trusted.

  I’ll never come up with an idea as good as that one.

  I’m better off working alone.

  If you start to get ahead, someone will always pull you down.

  Why respect the rules of good conduct when no one else does?

  To get by in this world, you’ve got to look out for number one.

  You’re only guilty if you get caught.

  THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…

  Being taken advantage of again

  Never being acknowledged for anything

  Trying to gain recognition in a specific area that is highly competitive

  Having to work with others

  Sharing their ideas or work with others

  POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS

  Being reluctant to share fully with others

  Difficulty working collaboratively

  Trust issues that seep into all areas of one’s life

  Losing favor with co-workers due to one’s inability to collaborate

  Giving up on succeeding in the arena where one’s work was taken

  Seeking to discredit the thief

  Suing the offending party

  Sabotaging the thief

  Refusing to work with that person again

  Playing the martyr

  Becoming a resentful and bitter person

  Suffering from stress-related health issues (frequent illness, aches and pains, stomach problems, etc.)

  Assuming that all people are unethical and only want to benefit themselves

  Stooping to new lows in order to succeed; adopting the if-you-can’t-beat-‘em-join-‘em attitude

  Never being fully open with anyone, even loved ones

  Looking for signs of disloyalty in others

  Clinging to those who have proven themselves completely trustworthy and loyal

  Not wanting to meet new people; keeping one’s distance professionally and socially

  Baiting people in conversation in hopes they will reveal their true motives

  Taking action to bring the thief to justice

  Deciding to take the idea farther and do it better than the thief could ever do

  Viewing the theft as a sign that one is headed in the right direction

  Accepting that if one came up with this good idea, others will follow

  Enjoying the process of learning and doing rather than focusing only on the endgame

  Taking steps in the future to protect one’s work before sharing it with others

  Recognizing that the time spent developing the idea was valuable and meaningful rather than a waste

  PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM

  Attributes: Cautious, confident, diplomatic, discreet, enthusiastic, focused, independent, just, optimistic, passionate, patient, persistent, persuasive, private, quirky, resourceful, wise

  Flaws: Catty, confrontational, controlling, cynical, devious, fussy, inflexible, irrational, obsessive, paranoid, perfectionist, possessive, resentful, stingy, stubborn, suspicious, uncooperative

  TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND

  Being forced to work with others

  People who show excitement or enthusiasm for what one does or is working on

  Seeing the thief gain great success and accolades from one’s idea

  A request to see a file, article, or schematic that one has created

  OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND

  A health scare that makes one see that bitterness about the past event is only causing harm

  Realizing that one’s continued negative focus on the past is stifling creativity and making it impossible to excel

  Coming up with a new idea that forces one to make a choice: continue to live an unfulfilled life or pursue a dream and risk being taken advantage of again

  Inventing something that could benefit a great many people but being afraid to act on it out of fear it will be exploited

  Wanting to pursue a new idea but needing the collaboration and expertise of a partner for it to succeed

  RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS

  INCEST

  NOTES: Incest is defined as sexual relations between closely related family members, such as between siblings or a parent and child. It occurs most frequently between a sexually predatory older relative and someone younger, but it also occurs in communities where marrying outside of one’s race or culture is considered taboo.

  BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Safety and security, love and belonging, esteem and recognition, self-actualization

  FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED

  He (or she) says that because we love each other, it’s ok.

  We have a special bond.

  I’m disgusting. No one will ever want to be around me if they find out.

  Telling will just make things worse.

  I deserve this because I am a terrible person.

  This is my fault; my behavior somehow led to this.

  If someone has power over you, they will hurt you.

  People use love to get what they want.

  THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…

  The abuser

  People like their abuser (men, women, authority figures, adults, etc.)

  Sex and intimacy

  The incest being discovered, bringing shame and humiliation with it

  Getting pregnant by their abuser

  Loved ones discovering the relationship and rejecting them because of it

  Being asked to keep an important secret from someone else

  POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS

  Alcoholism and drug addiction

  Self-harming

  Eating and sleeping disorders

  Thoughts of suicide and attempted suicide

  Rebelling against those in authority

  Volatile emotions; acting out with violence

  PTSD, anxiety disorders, and phobias

  Being protective of younger siblings who could also be victimized

  An inability to trust others

  Difficulty being intimate with others

  Low self-worth

  Conflicted feelings about what happened (especially if it was consensual)

  Not trusting one’s instincts; second-guessing one’s decisions

  Anger toward one’s parents (whether they knew or not) for not protecting one as a parent should

  Not being able to remember chunks of one’s childhood

  A tendency to disassociate when highly stressed

  A generalized feeling of powerlessness

  Confusing sex with love

  Entering into abusive relationships as an adult

  Sexual promiscuity

  Having little or no interest in sex; avoiding sexual encounters

  Shutting down one’s emotions during sex

  Living in denial about what really happened

  Having a distanced relationship with one’s parents, especially if they encouraged one to not tell anyone about the abuse after discovering it was happening

  Being stuck emotionally at the stage of life when the incest occurred

  Worrying that one’s children will suffer the same fate at someone else’s hands

  Deciding against having children

  Seeking therapy in an effort to heal

  Viewing oneself as a survivor rather than a victim

  Vowing to take control of one’s life in a healthy way; not allowing oneself to be victimized again

  Empathizing with others who are in a chronic
ally unjust situation (suffering from a mental disorder, being disowned, telling the truth but not being believed, etc.)

  PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM

  Attributes: Affectionate, cooperative, courteous, discreet, easygoing, empathetic, imaginative, nurturing, pensive, protective, sensual, socially aware, studious, supportive

  Flaws: Addictive, childish, compulsive, controlling, dishonest, evasive, hostile, ignorant, impulsive, inhibited, insecure, nervous, perfectionist, pessimistic, promiscuous, rebellious, self-destructive

  TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND

  Missing a period

  Seeing the family member after an extended absence

  Seeing an adult touch a child the way one was touched (frequent arm squeezing, back rubs, touches that linger, etc.) prior to the act

  OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND

  Finding oneself in another toxic relationship and realizing the incest is at the root of one’s problems Facing a situation where one’s abuser will go free or possibly abuse someone else if one doesn’t speak out against him or her

  After being unable to enjoy or even want sex, one realizes that facing the past is the only way to heal

  An emergency situation where one must build trust quickly with a victim, and revealing one’s past victimization is the most effective way to do it

  RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS

  INFIDELITY

  EXAMPLES

  A spouse engaging in a one-night stand or giving in to desire after drug or alcohol use

  One’s husband or wife having an affair with someone at work

  Discovering one’s spouse is cheating through online chat rooms or voyeur sites

  A partner being caught with a prostitute

  A partner who visits an ex and old feelings rekindle, leading to intimacy

  Discovering that a spouse has multiple relationships or even a second family

  One’s spouse turning to a friend for companionship and advice

  One’s spouse struggling with sexual identity and choosing to explore it with others

  A partner who accepts someone’s sexual advances out of a strong need for approval

  A partner who finds satisfaction elsewhere because of a lack of intimacy at home

  A partner cheating emotionally (sharing intimate feelings with someone outside of the marriage), making one feel betrayed

  An affair stemming from loneliness due to frequent and prolonged absences, such as military deployments or work-related travel

  Discovering one’s partner has cheated with a family member (a sibling, cousin, parent, etc.)

  Trying to rebuild a marriage after infidelity only to learn that one’s spouse is cheating again

  BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Physiological needs, safety and security, love and belonging, esteem and recognition

  FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED

  I am unworthy of love.

  I am an unsatisfactory lover.

  No one could ever be attracted to me.

  This is my fault for not being good enough.

  There is no such thing as a committed relationship.

  All men (or women) cheat and I am better off alone.

  If I let people in, they’ll only hurt me.

  If I want a relationship to last, I have to comply with my partner’s whims.

  THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…

  Intimacy and sex

  Love (because it leads to vulnerability)

  Being betrayed by someone they trust

  Trusting the wrong person

  Being alone forever

  Being perceived as weak or gullible

  That their instincts are unreliable and they will continue to make life-impacting mistakes

  POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS

  Leaving one’s partner

  Avoiding dating and close relationships

  Second-guessing one’s actions and choices, especially those involving trust and relationships

  Becoming evasive; keeping one’s emotions close to the vest

  Looking for signs of deceit in potential romantic partners

  Following up with someone or questioning them to determine if they are telling the truth

  Paranoia; expecting one’s partner to account for his or her time away

  Control issues; difficulty giving a partner privacy

  Wearing clothing that hides one’s body

  Obsessive dieting or worrying about one’s weight and appearance

  Going through a period of turning inward, not wanting to get involved with anyone else

  Jumping into a rebound relationship

  Engaging in risky sexual behavior as a way of getting back at one’s partner

  Avenging oneself on the spouse’s lover

  Sabotaging a partner’s relationships with those of the opposite sex

  Withholding forgiveness from one’s partner even if he or she is truly contrite and wants to reconcile

  Decreased interest in sex

  Lying about the infidelity due to embarrassment or to save one’s children from shame

  Ignoring the infidelity; living in denial

  Learning to be independent

  Discovering that one is stronger than one thought

  Leaning on those who are supportive and trustworthy

  Giving one’s lover a second chance while maintaining reasonable requirements and expectations

  PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM

  Attributes: Adaptable, alert, analytical, bold, cautious, courageous, discreet, disciplined, honest, honorable, independent, loyal, merciful, nurturing, perceptive, private, proactive, protective, sensible, supportive

  Flaws: Catty, confrontational, controlling, cynical, grumpy, humorless, impatient, inflexible, insecure, irrational, jealous, needy, obsessive, possessive, resentful, self-indulgent, suspicious, vindictive, withdrawn

  TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND

  Having sex for the first time since the affair

  Seeing the person with whom one’s partner cheated

  Receiving divorce papers

  Having to get checked for a sexually transmitted disease or other condition following the cheating

  Seeing one’s ex (during custody swaps, at the grocery store, around the neighborhood, etc.)

  OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND

  A new relationship progressing to the point where vulnerability and openness are expected

  Falling for someone in a new relationship and finding out they cheated on a previous partner

  Wanting to reconcile with one’s partner but being unable to make oneself vulnerable again

  Learning that a friend was able to forgive a cheating partner and wondering if one has the strength or willingness to do the same

  RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS

  LEARNING THAT ONE’S PARENT HAD A SECOND FAMILY

  NOTES: To many, the scenario seems ridiculous, the stuff of fiction: a parent who has a second family, complete with children. How could that be perpetuated over the long term? How would the families not know? Yet it happens often enough to have become familiar. And with the seemingly impossible logistics of such a scenario, it’s no surprise that the parent does usually end up getting caught, leaving a trail of betrayal, lies, destroyed families, and wounded loved ones in their wake. Whether one makes this awful discovery as a child, teenager, or grownup, the results can be long lasting.

  BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Love and belonging, esteem and recognition

  FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED

  Given the choice, people will always choose someone else over me.

  If I had been better behaved (or smarter, prettier, etc.), he would have been happy with us.

  I’m defective in some way.

  I’m stupid; a smart person would have seen what was happening.

  Everybody lies.

  If I wasn’t enough for my mother (or father), I won’t
be enough for anyone else.

  THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…

  The parent choosing the other family over theirs

  Being rejected by others

  Never finding someone who can love and accept them unconditionally

  Their family falling into poverty if the parent leaves

  Being lied to

  Betrayal by a person deemed trustworthy

  Ending up like the betraying parent

  POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS

  Denial and disbelief

  Dulling the pain through self-medication (or acting out, for younger victims)

  Feelings of anger and rage toward the offending parent

  Doubting oneself

  Wondering if the parent’s feelings were genuine at all or just an act

  Examining oneself for weaknesses and reasons why the parent might have done such a thing

  Perfecting perceived weaknesses to gain the parent’s love (doing well at school, making oneself more physically attractive, excelling at a sport, etc.)

  Becoming obsessed with the other family

  Distancing oneself from the guilty parent

  Determining to never be gullible or ignorant again

  Obsessing over past family details, looking for the clues one missed

  Trying to uncover other lies one has been told, believing there must be more

  Difficulty trusting others

  Becoming controlling as an adult

  Being confused by conflicting emotions (love, anger, shame, fear, etc.) about one’s parent

  Viewing other close family members with distrust, wondering if they’re being honest

  Withdrawing into oneself; not sharing with others

  Becoming very protective of the other parent, who was also duped

  Taking a hard stance on lying; disassociating from those who cross the line

  As an adult, worrying that one’s partner is lying and living a secret life

  Spying on one’s partner to make sure he or she is telling the truth

  Disdaining marriage

  Becoming independent so one won’t have to rely on others