The Emotional Wound Thesaurus

by Becca Puglisi

  Someone discovering a shameful secret, such as the parent being an alcoholic or hoarder

  Following in a parent’s footsteps (choosing the wrong partner, being unfulfilled, etc.)

  Poverty and becoming homeless

  Becoming like the adult one is caring for or replacing (an addict, a terrible parent, etc.)

  Developing the same illness or debilitating condition and having to rely on others

  Feeling or expressing certain emotions (if it is unsafe to do so)

  A loss of identity; never being able to escape the trap of caring for others

  POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS

  Putting oneself last (taking on extra jobs, going without sleep or food, etc.)

  Anticipating the needs of others

  Becoming hypercautious about factors that allow one to care for others (safety, hygiene, etc.)

  Overprotecting the people in one’s charge

  Pushing one’s siblings hard so tough love will make them resilient

  Resenting peers who have fewer responsibilities

  Distrusting people in authority

  Perfectionism

  Becoming evasive, withdrawn, or deceptive (if one has a secret to keep)

  Repressing one’s emotions

  Making do with less

  Having no patience for frivolity or “silly” endeavors (while secretly craving such things)

  Losing touch with one’s peer group

  Gravitating toward more mature peers

  Giving up hobbies, interests, and friends due to having no time for them

  Feeling guilty for wanting freedom

  Straining under home pressures, especially if neglect or abuse are present

  Growing rebellious and acting out

  Doing whatever it takes to escape the situation

  Rationalizing guilt for leaving one’s siblings: Once I get a place of my own, they can move in with me.

  Being careful with one’s relationships, especially if parental abandonment was a factor

  Taking on and succeeding at jobs one didn’t know one could do

  Being highly practical

  Noticing what others miss

  Enjoying the small things

  Becoming thrifty and innovative

  PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM

  Attributes: Bold, disciplined, discreet, gentle, honorable, independent, industrious, mature, meticulous, persistent, protective, resourceful, responsible, sensible, thrifty, unselfish

  Flaws: Controlling, cynical, evasive, fussy, humorless, impatient, inflexible, obsessive, perfectionist, promiscuous, rebellious, resentful, uncooperative, withdrawn, worrywart

  TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND

  A friend being showered with gifts at Christmas while one’s family has to go without

  A bare cupboard or pile of overdue bills

  A sick sibling who needs medicine that one must somehow acquire

  Being invited out by friends and being unable or unwilling to go

  Having to buy secondhand or depend on handouts

  Briefly being part of an intact and ideal family, then having to return to one’s situation

  OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND

  A chance to do something one wants that would interfere with responsibilities at home

  An event that makes it difficult for one to be the caretaker (i.e., being evicted)

  Being threatened with the removal of one’s charges

  Struggling in school and knowing that failing would sabotage the chance for a better future

  One’s home situation becoming dangerous (strangers being welcomed in, drugs being openly used, instances of physical abuse, etc.)

  Having difficulty coping as a caregiver but being unable to seek help due to guilt, shame, or distrust

  RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS

  BEING RAISED BY A NARCISSIST

  EXAMPLES: Being raised by a parent who…

  Withheld love and affection via the silent treatment

  Demanded excellence and then took credit for one’s successes

  Demanded full compliance to every wish and whim

  Rarely displayed physical affection

  Critiqued every mistake and misstep

  Complained about one being a burden

  Showed anger instead of compassion when an injury or life event caused inconvenience

  Pitted siblings against one another, encouraging competition

  Displayed cruelty, possibly employing emotional and physical abuse

  Refused to help when needed

  Frequently undermined one’s progress and then blamed one for being stupid

  Made one feel responsible for the parent’s happiness and well-being

  Caused everyone to walk on eggshells due to their high expectations, mood swings, etc.

  Made threats and manipulated to get their way

  Expected others to cater to them because they were special or important in some way

  Purposely took statements out of context to use them against others

  Gave conflicting advice to create a no-win situation

  Lived out personal dreams through their children

  BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Safety and security, love and belonging, esteem and recognition, self-actualization

  FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED

  Love is how people manipulate you.

  Love is conditional.

  I am a failure and a burden to those around me.

  Wanting something for myself is selfish. I need to put others first.

  I am too flawed to ever be loved by anyone.

  I am not talented or smart enough to distinguish myself.

  To matter, you need to be the best.

  To avoid being hurt, hit first.

  THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…

  Rejection and abandonment

  Experiencing certain emotions and having them used as weapons

  Deep relationships that require vulnerability to succeed

  Failures that will prove the parent correct about their deficiencies

  Being punished for their mistakes and failures

  Trusting the wrong person and being taken advantage of

  Repeating the cycle with one’s children

  POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS

  Struggling to identify one’s feelings because one is used to putting the parent’s feelings first

  Difficulty choosing a direction because one can’t identify what one wants

  A tendency to put one’s needs last

  Saying that things are fine when they’re not

  Deferring to others, especially when one is under pressure

  Being unsure what healthy boundaries look like

  Struggling with vulnerability, intimacy, trust, and sharing one’s feelings

  Being a people pleaser and needing praise to feel valued

  Trying to be perfect in all things

  Becoming clingy or needy; having dependency issues

  Being driven to achieve accolades but feeling uncomfortable receiving them

  Low self-worth; feeling stupid or deficient regardless of one’s achievements

  Choosing a career because it was what a parent wanted

  Being taken advantage of because one is unable to self-advocate

  Changing one’s role to become what others need

  Being drawn to nurturing people (a kind teacher, an understanding boss, etc.)

  Making excuses or forgiving a parent’s behavior out of a desire to gain their love

  Believing one is to blame when something goes wrong, even when it’s irrational

  Catering to a partner’s needs to keep them happy

  Beating oneself up for personal failures

  Always putting one’s needs first (repeating the narcissism cycle)

  Becoming a bully as a way to cope; striking first to avoid being crushed

  As an adult, cutting ties with the offending parent


  Choosing to practice self-love in hopes of healing and achieving greater self-worth

  Building a relationship with someone who fills a healthy parental or mentoring role

  Being deeply moved by acts of kindness and displays of affection

  Being hypersensitive to the needs and feelings of others

  Using a journal to process emotion and express one’s thoughts

  PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM

  Attributes: Adaptable, alert, analytical, appreciative, cooperative, diplomatic, empathetic, loyal, mature, meticulous, obedient, observant, organized, perceptive, persistent

  Flaws: Addictive, defensive, dishonest, gullible, indecisive, inhibited, insecure, jealous, judgmental, manipulative, materialistic, nagging, needy, oversensitive, perfectionist

  TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND

  Criticism, no matter how constructive or respectfully it’s phrased

  Falling short, failing, or making a mistake

  Spending time with a friend’s family and participating in a normal parent-child activity

  Phone calls and visits with one’s parent

  Coming in second (or third, last, etc.)

  OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND

  Trying to reconnect with a sibling who shared the parent-enforced dysfunction

  Realizing one’s marriage will fail if one can’t learn to resolve the self-esteem issues

  Needing help and having to ask for it regardless of how vulnerable it makes one feel

  Experiencing joy at someone’s gift of encouragement and unconditional support and realizing this emotion was missing from one’s toxic upbringing

  RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS

  BEING RAISED BY AN ADDICT

  NOTES: Many factors will determine how deep this wound will be, such as whether the addict was one’s sole parent, if abuse was involved, and the quality of life the character experienced in this environment.

  BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Safety and security, love and belonging, esteem and recognition, self-actualization

  FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED

  People drink because they can’t stand to be around me.

  No one would notice if I ceased to exist.

  I can’t protect my loved ones (if there were siblings one failed to protect from abuse).

  If I let people in, they’ll only be disappointed.

  No one will be there for me if I really need it.

  I’m weak; I’m going to become just like my parent.

  There’s no safe place for me in this world.

  THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…

  Violence, sexual abuse, or both

  Conflict

  Being abandoned

  Life spinning out of control

  Becoming just like their parent

  Having to rely on others

  Functional relationships (since dysfunctional ones have become normal)

  Instability

  Affirmations of love or acceptance (since these have always proven to be false)

  POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS

  Difficulty relaxing; being in a perpetual state of guardedness

  Carefully reading a situation before responding to it

  Anxiety and depression

  Having a hard time telling if someone is joking; being uncomfortable with humor, teasing, or pranks

  Keeping one’s deepest thoughts and desires private

  Not rocking the boat

  Drinking or doing drugs to feel connected to one’s parent

  Difficulty expressing what one wants and needs

  Shying away from conflict and even healthy debates

  Rebelling, or wanting to rebel, from being so emotionally stymied

  Feeling isolated; struggling with dating, meeting people, going out, etc.

  Keeping secrets

  Choosing what’s safe over what one really wants

  Double-checking things to make sure all is as it should be

  Feeling close and grateful to people who keep their word

  Continuing the cycle (becoming a drug user, drinking too much, engaging in illegal activities, etc.)

  Being pessimistic

  Denial, especially as to how bad a situation is and how one is coping

  Being a people pleaser

  Putting the needs of others first

  Being hard on oneself

  Fleeing from situations that make one feel vulnerable

  Wanting clear rules and boundaries; craving predictable routines

  Becoming a caretaker of others out of habit

  Taking on more responsibility than is healthy

  Finding it difficult, if not impossible, to speak up or complain

  Letting emotions build up until there’s an explosion

  Needing to be given clear directions and understand the exact expectations

  Having less fear of the specific dangers one was exposed to as a child

  Shutting down when a confrontation flares up

  Lying or distorting the truth to protect others

  Feeling shame and embarrassment keenly

  Always waiting for the other shoe to drop

  Having strong peacekeeping skills; being able to persuade others, calm tempers, etc.

  Finding an outlet for safe expression (playing an instrument, writing poetry, gardening, etc.)

  Only making a promise when one knows with certainty that one can deliver on it

  PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM

  Attributes: Adaptable, alert, analytical, cautious, cooperative, loyal, mature, nurturing, organized, perceptive, persuasive, proactive, responsible, tolerant

  Flaws: Addictive, antisocial, controlling, cynical, dishonest, evasive, hostile, humorless, hypocritical, inhibited, insecure, judgmental, nervous, paranoid, pessimistic, rebellious, resentful, self-destructive, subservient, suspicious, uncommunicative, volatile, withdrawn, worrywart

  TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND

  The smell of alcohol or pot

  The sight or smell of vomit

  Being unable to wake someone right away

  Raised voices and heated arguments

  The taste of alcohol or cigarettes

  Seeing drug paraphernalia lying around someone’s apartment

  Driving with someone who is drunk

  Having to care for a friend who’s had too much to drink or has passed out

  Loud music, parties, and celebrations where people let loose

  The sound of clinking glass bottles or a beer can being crumpled

  OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND

  Marrying someone with a drinking or drug problem

  Watching the parent’s health decline and wanting to mend old fences before it’s too late

  Wanting to be a good parent and recognizing that one must let go of one’s dysfunctional past

  Becoming an addict as an adult and realizing how the habit is affecting one’s child

  RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS

  BEING RAISED BY NEGLECTFUL PARENTS

  EXAMPLES: Neglect can best be described as a caregiver’s ongoing failure to provide for a child’s basic needs. It can be physical, emotional, mental, or medical in nature. Child or teen victims of neglect could be said to have been raised by parents who…

  Refused to take the child to routine medical check-ups

  Were unable or unwilling to buy appropriate clothing for their child

  Suffered from a mental disorder or another disability that rendered them unable to adequately care for others

  Often failed to feed their child

  Didn’t make their child go to school

  Withheld love and affection

  Knew about and didn’t stop their child from engaging in dangerous behavior, such as abusing drugs or alcohol

  Were neglectful due to their addictions

  Were so absorbed in their own lives they neglected the basic care of their children


  Were unintentionally neglectful due to having to work multiple jobs or travel often for work

  BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Physiological needs, safety and security, love and belonging, esteem and recognition, self-actualization

  FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED

  I am unlovable.

  I’m not worth taking care of. I am a burden to others.

  My needs are not important.

  I’ve done something to deserve this treatment.

  I’m invisible. My life will always be this way.

  I can’t depend on others for my survival; I have to fend for myself.

  Adults can’t be trusted.

  My parents’ love must be earned.

  This is what love looks like.

  THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…

  Never being loved or accepted by anyone

  Being hungry or not having enough to eat

  Embarrassment (over their clothing, home, appearance, etc.)

  Other people discovering how they were raised

  Being mistreated by others

  Having to rely on someone else

  Never being able to rise above their circumstances

  Repeating the parents’ mistakes with their own children

  POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS

  Hoarding materials such as food, clothing, or toys

  Clinging to anyone who shows love and affection

  Being highly protective of one’s siblings

  Pulling away from peers so no one discovers one’s situation at home

  Being evasive and keeping secrets

  Confusion over why one’s family and home life is different than others

  Trying to be obedient, helpful, perfect, etc. in order to receive attention and love

  Developmental delays, especially social ones, from certain life lessons not being passed on

  Developing mental disorders such as depression or eating disorders

  Having to learn through trial and error what others have already mastered or know

  Seeing oneself as inadequate or insufficient in some way

  Difficulties focusing or succeeding in school

  Sacrificing secondary needs to meet imperative ones (e.g., giving up self-actualization to gain love)