The Emotional Wound Thesaurus

by Becca Puglisi

  POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS

  Crying bouts and depression

  Engaging in displays of anger to release emotion at whoever was responsible

  Talking to the deceased loved one when times are hard or the hurt is especially difficult

  Smelling the loved one’s clothing or pillow in hopes of catching their scent

  Going through photos and mementos

  Becoming safety-obsessed; worrying about the welfare of remaining loved ones

  Obsessively locking and checking one’s door and window locks

  Repeatedly checking in with loved ones (via texts, looking in as a child sleeps, etc.)

  Carrying a weapon

  Always having a cell phone fully charged and handy

  Avoiding crowded areas or strange people

  Forcing remaining family members to adhere to safety protocols (calling for a ride home instead of walking, adhering to curfews, etc.)

  Difficulty trusting someone new or giving them the benefit of the doubt

  Being aloof; having a hard time letting people in (especially if a partner was killed)

  Frequently visiting a grave site or the area where the loved one died

  Drinking or self-medicating

  Becoming obsessed with bringing the perpetrators to justice

  Rejecting one’s faith or rededicating oneself to it

  Becoming prejudiced against the kind of people associated with the loved one’s death

  Joining a support group

  Adhering to a specific routine that one deems to be safe

  Becoming alert and more aware of one’s surroundings

  Making the most of every opportunity with remaining loved ones

  Being more affectionate with loved ones than one was before

  Dedicating oneself to effecting change (through speaking to raise awareness, financially supporting an advocacy group, etc.)

  PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM

  Attributes: Appreciative, decisive, empathetic, generous, hospitable, introverted, just, loyal, merciful, observant, passionate, pensive, perceptive, persistent, protective

  Flaws: Addictive, antisocial, confrontational, hostile, humorless, impulsive, indecisive, inflexible, irrational, needy, nervous, obsessive, paranoid, pessimistic, prejudiced

  TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND

  Hearing gunshots, sirens, tires squealing, or other sounds associated with the violent crime

  Violent movie trailers and video game ads

  Waking up from a nightmare where the event was replayed

  Finding an old text or picture on one’s phone

  A child coming home with a scrape or other visible injury

  OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND

  Learning that the responsible person has victimized someone else

  A scenario that causes worry for the safety of another loved one (a child being late for curfew, a spouse not calling when he said he would, etc.)

  One’s neighborhood growing increasingly dangerous

  Desiring justice so badly that one must take action

  Finding out the perpetrator is being let go because of a technicality or police screw-up

  Learning that a family member has ties to the responsible party (they’re friends, co-workers, etc.)

  RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS

  THE DEATH OF ONE’S CHILD

  NOTES: Though a son or daughter’s death can take many forms, one factor that can greatly affect resulting outcomes is whether or not the parent was responsible. When a child dies and there was nothing the parent could do, they’ll still often blame themselves to a certain degree. The depth of this wound (and therefore the fallout from avoiding dealing with it in a healthy way) will depend on how keenly the parent feels responsible for their child’s death. To explore this kind of wound further, this entry will focus on the death of a child for which the parent was technically not to blame. (For information on a wounding event where the person in charge of the child was even accidentally or incidentally at fault, see A CHILD DYING ON ONE’S WATCH.)

  EXAMPLES: One’s child dying…

  From a terminal illness

  In a car accident

  In a natural disaster

  From a freak accident during a sporting event (getting hit in the chest with a baseball, suffering a fatal head injury, etc.)

  Due to an undiagnosed condition (a serious allergy, bleeding out due to hemophilia, etc.)

  From being hit by a car while walking home from the bus stop

  While lost in a natural environment

  From a dangerous activity one had forbidden them to do (e.g., climbing on the roof)

  While taking part in a foolish dare or dangerous game

  Of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS)

  In utero, during birth, or shortly thereafter

  BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Love and belonging, safety and security, self-actualization

  FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED

  I can’t keep my loved ones safe.

  I am to blame for my child’s death (even when one was not responsible).

  I don’t deserve forgiveness.

  God did this to punish me (for whatever imagined or irrational transgression creates guilt).

  If I am not a mother (or father), I am nothing.

  Nothing is worth risking this pain of loss again.

  Danger is everywhere. I have to be prepared or I’ll lose someone else.

  Letting others care for my child is reckless. I will make sure she stays safe.

  THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…

  That they will never feel whole

  Being alone for the rest of their life

  Forgetting what the child looked like or sounded like

  Losing another loved one (a spouse, sibling, child, etc.)

  Specific situations that led to the child’s death

  POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS

  Spending a lot of time in the child’s room

  Looking for someone to blame, even if there is no one

  Watching old videos or going through old pictures

  Recreating the circumstances of the child’s death over and over

  Struggling to care about other people and their problems

  Friction with a spouse over grieving processes (one wanting to purge the child’s things, the other wanting to keep everything, etc.)

  Needing to know where one’s other children are at all times

  Adopting superstitions or rituals to better protect one’s other children

  Mistaking other children for one’s child due to a similar look or mannerism

  Vivid dreaming that can be emotionally painful

  Developing an anxiety disorder

  Pulling away from people

  Flares of anger when others say they understand or that time will help heal the wound

  Wanting to live in the past and avoid the present

  Turning away from one’s faith

  Talking aloud to the deceased child, especially to apologize for failing them

  Avoiding kids, especially those the same age as one’s deceased child

  Refusing to participate in special holidays because doing so hurts

  Imagining what one’s child looks like and sounds like as time passes

  Researching to better understand the circumstances that led to the child’s death

  Carrying a memento of one’s child at all times (a bracelet, a picture or favorite key chain, etc.)

  Moving to a new home that doesn’t have so many painful memories

  Returning to one’s faith or finding faith

  Creating and maintaining a memorial at the place where one’s child died

  PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM

  Attributes: Appreciative, empathetic, gentle, industrious, inspirational, nurturing, pensive, persistent, private, proactive, protective, spiritual, unselfish

  Flaws: Addictive, controlling, cynical, humorl
ess, irrational, irresponsible, jealous, martyr, morbid, needy, nervous, obsessive, oversensitive, perfectionist

  TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND

  The mention of the child’s name

  When people are clearly avoiding mentioning the child at all

  Commercials advertising the child’s favorite toy

  When another person asks how many children one has

  Being around children the same age as one’s child

  Specific areas associated with the child (a favorite restaurant, their school, etc.)

  Attending a baby shower, birthday party, or significant coming-of-age event, like a graduation

  OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND

  The desire to have another child

  Discovering one is pregnant before one has fully processed the death

  Deteriorating relationships with one’s other children because they feel neglected

  Wanting to help a surviving child process their sibling’s death but being unable to do so because of one’s own grief

  RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS

  WATCHING SOMEONE DIE

  EXAMPLES

  Trying (and failing) to help a passenger in the aftermath of a car accident

  Witnessing a friend’s hit and run as she crosses the street

  Losing a loved one to a drowning or boating accident on a family vacation

  Offering end-of-life comfort (e.g., after a fatal fall)

  Finding someone alive after a natural disaster but being too late to save him or her

  Being helpless to stop a violent act such as a mugging or hate crime beating

  Witnessing someone die in a random accident, like being electrocuted by faulty wiring or being involved in a fatal motorcycle accident

  Being unable to reach a person who is trapped by fire (seeing them on a high-rise balcony with nowhere to go or being unable to reach the building floor they’re trapped on)

  A child experiencing a fatal accident during a sporting game or practice

  BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND: Love and belonging, esteem and recognition, self-actualization

  FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED

  I failed when I was needed most.

  I should have died, not them.

  Anyone I love will be taken from me.

  I’m toxic to the people around me (if blame comes into play).

  Loving someone will only end in pain.

  I could die at any moment, so why plan for the future?

  Danger is everywhere and I can never let down my guard.

  THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR…

  Abandonment through death

  Dying and abandoning those in their care

  Becoming too emotionally connected to people

  Circumstances and other factors associated with the cause of death (guns, fire, heights, driving in the rain, etc.)

  Causing loved ones harm (if real or imaginary self-blame is a factor)

  Failing someone when they desperately need help

  Being responsible for others

  Danger and risk

  POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS

  Suffering from PTSD

  Depression

  Obsessing about the victim to the point that others are marginalized

  Being unable to sleep

  Avoiding people who were present at the time of death

  Becoming clingy with remaining loved ones

  Becoming overprotective of family and obsessing over their whereabouts

  Refusing to allow one’s children to do activities that could be risky

  Becoming safety conscious to the extreme

  Always worrying about possible dangers

  Needing to plan and negate all risks before committing to an action or decision

  Avoiding anything spontaneous; becoming very risk-averse

  Behaving in self-destructive ways or being reckless (to prove one is not worthy of living)

  Avoiding future responsibility for the welfare of others

  Distancing oneself from friends and family

  Scaling back one’s relationships so they are surface-level rather than deep

  Throwing oneself into work or other activities to avoid dealing with grief

  Seeking justice, vengeance, or restitution for the death (investigating, raising public awareness, suing involved parties, etc.)

  Attending a survivor’s support group meeting

  Processing the deceased’s things (donating items, distributing things to loved ones, etc.)

  Creating a scholarship in the deceased’s name

  Weaning oneself off medication or sleeping pills that have been used as a coping mechanism

  PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT MAY FORM

  Attributes: affectionate, alert, cautious, focused, independent, nurturing, observant, organized, proactive, sensible, wise

  Flaws: Indecisive, irresponsible, needy, nervous, obsessive, paranoid, perfectionist, resentful, self-destructive, temperamental, timid, uncommunicative, withdrawn, worrywart

  TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND

  Witnessing one’s children acting in a foolhardy way

  Sensory input from the event (e.g., antiseptic smells reminding one of hospital visits)

  Being unable to help in even a small way (fixing a favorite toy, comforting a spouse after a work disappointment, etc.)

  A loved one being injured or hospitalized

  Visiting the scene of the accident

  Witnessing another “close call” type accident

  Internet videos that show accidents, close calls, and foolhardy behavior just for entertainment

  OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND

  Having responsibility thrust upon oneself in some way, such as a sister dying and being the only relative left to care for her son

  Discovering who was responsible for the death, but police are unmotivated or unable to enact justice

  Uncovering a fault associated with the person’s death (an equipment malfunction, a structure was not built to code, etc.)

  Meeting someone who wants to connect in a deep and meaningful way, but one’s fear is getting in the way of developing the relationship

  Being a single parent or a sole provider and having to be strong for others

  RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS

  APPENDIX A: WOUND FLOWCHART

  Figuring out a character’s wounding event can be daunting for an author. Not only is it an important piece of the backstory puzzle to identify, it’s also the first in a series of dominoes that will threaten the character’s very foundation. As the author, it’s important to know all of these pieces so the character will be believable and can be written consistently. To better understand which elements will need to be researched and the cause-and-effect relationships between them, use the following flowchart as a handy reference.

  RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS

  APPENDIX B: CHARACTER ARC PROGRESSION TOOL

  Once you have a basic understanding of how the wound will impact a character, you’ll need to know how those aftereffects should play into his or her arc. This graphic provides an overview of how everything fits together. You can find a blank copy on the next page, which can be printed out and filled in for different characters.

  APPENDIX B: CHARACTER ARC PROGRESSION TOOL

  A printable version of this tool is available at Writers Helping Writers.

  RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS

  APPENDIX C: WOUNDING EXAMPLES FROM POPULAR STORIES

  An author may not always reveal all the details behind a wounding experience, and so some of the inner turmoil left in the trauma’s wake is only hinted at. In particular, the resulting fears and lies from a wound are rarely stated outright; however, this allows readers to get involved and use their imaginations to visualize the aftereffects. To help you see how the pieces can fit together successfully, we’ve profiled some popular characters and their wounding events. If any of th
e elements are implied rather than clearly defined (such as the lie, for instance), it won’t be included here; still, these examples should help you see how the wound can lead to a greater fear, what emotional shielding might be donned, and the unmet need that will play a large role in the character’s present story.

  Daniel Kaffee (A Few Good Men)

  Wound: Growing up in the shadow of a highly successful father

  Fear: Never being able to live up to his father’s reputation and distinguish himself as a lawyer

  Emotional Shielding: Kaffee, a lawyer, is afraid that if he tries a case in a courtroom, people will compare him to his father and he’ll be found lacking. So he plea-bargains all his cases. He’s living short of his true potential and the life he really wants. His character traits support this goal: he’s disorganized, flippant, superficial in most of his relationships, and doesn’t dedicate much time or thought to his cases.

  Unmet Need: Due to this emotional shielding, Kaffee is lacking Esteem and Recognition. He knows he could be a great trial lawyer but is settling for less in his career. As a result, people don’t respect him as a lawyer and he doesn’t respect himself.

  Jack Torrance (The Shining)

  Wound: Growing up with an abusive and alcoholic parent

  Fear: That he will be just like his dad

  Emotional Shielding: Jack is a recovering alcoholic with rage issues who struggles to banish the demons of his past. Though he recognizes his long-dead father’s negative influence over him, he doesn’t fully refute the resulting insecurities and self-doubt, which undermine his efforts to become a better parent and husband.

  Unmet Need: Ultimately, Jack is lacking Esteem and Recognition because he doesn’t respect himself. He knows his father’s words are toxic, but his inability to separate himself from them makes him second-guess himself and his capabilities. Though he finds redemption in the end, the insecurity resulting from his wound eventually leads to his physical demise.