Heartbreak Boys

by Simon James Green

  I swallow. “But when I’m with you, I feel like I’m … finding out. I feel like I’m getting to know it. I feel like I don’t have to pretend, I can just be me, even if I’m grumpy sometimes, even when I’m in a bad mood, and you don’t seem to mind, and I like that. Just me. No filter. Not the highlights reel, the whole thing, the whole … messy, chaotic, happy, sad thing I call me. And, Jack?”

  His eyes widen, his mouth open a little, waiting.

  “Just so you know, Jack, your truth, you with no filter, the real you, maybe some people like Dylan don’t like it, maybe they’re scared of it, maybe you shine so brightly for them they know they could never compete. But me, I like it. I love it. And I should have told you that. I should have told you that ages ago. You’re epic, Jack. You’re fabulous. And please don’t ever stop.”

  He looks like he might start crying again.

  “OK,” I say. “OK, I’m going to hug you, is that OK?”

  He vaguely nods.

  “OK.” I wrap my arms around him and pull him close. His onesie is crazy soft. It’s like hugging a giant guinea pig.

  He sinks his face into my shoulder.

  I grab hold of him with both hands.

  And I never intend to let go.

  CHAPTER FORTY-FIVE

  JACK

  I was not expecting Nate to turn up here today.

  I was not expecting him to say what he said.

  I was not expecting to go from feeling like I’d lost everything to feeling like I’d won the lottery.

  The other thing I was not expecting was the news that we were both to return to the trip tomorrow, by taking a train down to Plymouth for some unspecified and vague finale to this whole thing. But OK. And then I was not expecting Nate to say that he needed to stay the night at mine because while he had keys to his place, everyone was away and he didn’t want to be by himself because ghosts. I sense a bullshit excuse, but maybe I’m just being optimistic.

  So, fine, so I offer him the guest room.

  The look on that boy’s face. Unmistakable disappointment. And that’s when I start to let myself actually think things might be changing. That we’re not going to be just friends.

  “It’s just,” he says, kicking his sock feet about on the floor. “It’s weird, isn’t it, how we’ve basically ended up sharing a bed for almost all of this trip?”

  “Uh-huh?” I say.

  “And, like, will I even be able to sleep by myself any more?” He gives me a furtive glance, then adds a, “Ha ha!”

  He’s nervous. So am I. I can hardly believe what I’m hearing. “What … are you saying, Nate?”

  He looks up at me and chews his lip a bit.

  I swallow. “Are you saying you would prefer to sleep in my bed?”

  He shrugs. “I dunno.”

  My eyes widen. Nate’s never gonna say it, not outright. This is Nate, after all. “That you would prefer it if we both were sleeping in the same bed?”

  “I mean, it’s just—”

  “Uh-huh?”

  “It’s like a security thing, I guess…”

  “Oh, right?”

  “Like, for years, I couldn’t sleep without Patrick.”

  “Patrick?”

  “My teddy bear.” He gives me a look, as if to say, And what of it?

  I nod. “OK. Sure. So, I’m like a kind of security blanket to you?”

  “Do we have to label it, Jack?”

  “Please, not Jack, call me Blankie.”

  “We don’t have to,” he says. “I was only saying.”

  I look at him, smiling, until he meets my eyes again and gives me a guilty-looking grin back. “What?” he mutters.

  “Come on, then.”

  His eyes actually light up, which is adorable. We get up to my room, and I arrange the bed so he has a pillow on his side, while he strips down to his boxers, before hopping in. I flick the light off and do the same.

  “Jack?”

  “Yeah?”

  “I’m actually glad all this happened the way it did.”

  “Sure. Me too, I guess.”

  We lie in silence for a bit.

  “Jack?”

  “Mmm?”

  “Love you.”

  I laugh. “Love you, Nate.”

  CHAPTER FORTY-SIX

  NATE

  “Morning, Jack. Hi, Nate.”

  My eyelids flutter open. It’s Jack’s mum, standing by the bed and placing two mugs of tea on Jack’s bedside table.

  “Still take sugar, Nate?”

  I clear my throat and blink away the sleep. “Um … yeah. Thanks.” Jack’s eyes are closed, apparently fast asleep, on his back next to me. I glance at his mum. “We were up late talking, so we just crashed here.” Which, incidentally, is the whole truth. Nothing else happened.

  “Don’t tell her anything, Nate,” Jack says, eyes still closed. “She’s only here because she sniffs gossip.”

  “I was just bringing you tea,” his mum says.

  “A likely story!” Jack replies. “We’ve been at it like rabbits, if you must know.”

  “Jack!” I immediately blush. “He’s winding you up,” I tell his mum.

  She shrugs. “Shame. He’s almost bearable when he’s getting some.”

  Jack sits up. “OK, very good, thank you for the tea. Don’t you have some criminals to set free?”

  “It’s not that sort of law.”

  “Just FYI,” Jack says, “we’re heading down to Plymouth today. Don’t know how long for.”

  His mum smiles. “So, does that mean everything’s sorted itself out?”

  Jack flicks his eyes to her. “I guess?”

  She nods. “Good. And just remember, all those fuckers at school? In ten years’ time they’ll friend request you on Facebook and ask you to like their page for the new cosmetics pyramid scheme they’ve joined, and that’s when it’s official – you won. Because you will literally have no idea who they are.“

  “Ahh,” Jack smiles. “We already have won.” And he puts his hand on top of mine under the duvet, and he’s right, because whatever happens, or doesn’t happen next, this feeling feels a lot like winning.

  When we finally arrive at Plymouth, Mum, Dad, Elliot and Rose meet us off the train and take us to where the camper van is parked.

  “Announcement!” Rose tells us. “I’m married to Elliot now!”

  “It’s been an eventful twenty-four hours,” Elliot says, looking rather browbeaten.

  “Elliot’s my husband now, which means he will do whatever I say!”

  “That’s not really how marriage should work, Rose,” Dad says, as we clamber in the van.

  “All OK, boys?” Elliot asks, as Dad starts the van and pulls out of the car park.

  I glance at Jack, and smile. He smiles back and my heart flutters, just like it did when he put his hand on top of mine under the duvet. And that’s a weird new development that I’m not sure I’m quite ready to face just yet. “Yeah. All OK.”

  “So, Nate, we have something to tell you…”

  “Oh, Mr and Mrs Nate!” Jack claps his hands together. “You’re pregnant? Congratulations! Aw, Nate, you’re gonna be a—”

  “Um, no, Jack. No. That’s not…”

  “God, no,” Mum says, looking actually sick. “No offence, kids, but I’m not doing this again.”

  “Although in some ways,” Dad grins into the rear-view mirror, “it’s sort of like our little baby!”

  Mum laughs. “Yes! I suppose so!”

  “Are we getting a puppy?” I mean, I live in hope.

  “No, Nate, we’re starting a business,” Dad says. “I’ve been looking for something new after the redundancy, and I don’t want to spend any more time doing things I’m not totally passionate about. Your mum’s going to help out—”

  “I’m cutting down to four days a week from next term,” Mum says. “And hopefully it’ll be less as the business takes off.”

  “Well, don’t keep us waiting!” Jack says. “
What’s the big idea?”

  Dad’s eyes sparkle. “Seize the day dot com. It’s basically a life experiences website – a curated selection of bucket list items so people can easily do and see the things they’ve always wanted to. Not just stuff like parachute jumps—”

  “Or outward bound centres!” Mum grins.

  “But also unusual camping places, restaurants that are off the beaten track, the best woodland walks, stunning views, so, like, some of it will be free stuff, others you’ll have to pay for. We’ll take a commission for anything booked through the site, plus adverts. A one-stop shop for living in the moment and doing the stuff you always should have done but somehow never got round to.” There’s a wistful look on Dad’s face, just for a moment. “I think that’s important,” he says.

  “So was this whole trip a research mission for you?” I ask.

  “Nah,” Dad says. “I got the idea on the trip. You know, a free-spirited summer is great, but sometimes things would be easier and less stressful with a little bit of” – he glances sheepishly at Mum – “structure. I guess I just got inspired – and that’s exactly why you should do these sorts of things. Magic happens when you step out of your regular routine, out of your comfort zone.” He meets my eyes in the rear-view mirror. “You realize what’s really important to you and what you really want.”

  We’re nearly an hour on the road before we pull up at this small stretch of unspoiled beach, somewhere near Hope Cove. There’s a large wooden beach hut and they’re serving freshly barbecued fish and prawns, as well as local crab, mussels and burgers to the throng of happy laid-back customers who are chilling on the beach and enjoying the live music from the band playing next to the hut.

  “Ohh, this is niiiiice,” Jack smiles. “This was worth coming back for!”

  Dad looks well pleased with himself. “We’ll set ourselves up on the beach, get some food and drinks, watch the sun go down.” He hands us a tenner each. “Go and grab whatever you fancy.” He lowers his voice. “Do you want me to get some beers, or…”

  “I mean, you said ‘beer’ but what I heard was ‘a really chilled, sweet rosé’,” Jack says.

  “Done!” Dad says.

  Jack, Elliot and I end up pooling our money and getting this huge platter of freshly cooked seafood: plaice, sardines, prawns, clams, whitebait, crab, with huge wedges of sourdough and butter, and basically a bucket of crispy triple-cooked chips. We sit on the sand tucking in to it, while the band plays behind us and happy people mill about, enjoying the sea air and the last of the evening sun.

  Afterwards, I go and find Dad, who’s standing by himself at the far end of the beach, looking out across the sea.

  “Hey, Nate,” he says, turning as I crunch along the sand towards him.

  “Hey.”

  “Great spot, isn’t it?”

  “Yeah, it’s awesome. I love it.”

  Dad smiles and nods. “Yeah,” he says, looking back out to sea. “So. You’re wondering why I made a big deal out of this.”

  “Kinda.”

  “So, you remember my mate Martin?”

  “Yeah, the one who…”

  “Yeah. So, we were mates, back in the day, just like you and Jack. And, just like you two, we’d just finished our GCSEs and—”

  “Wait, you had GCSEs?”

  Dad gives me evils. “Point’s this: me and Martin had all these plans long ago, for the summer,” he continues. “A road trip, see places, meet people, freedom. Didn’t happen that year though, ’cause Martin ended up seeing this girl and wanted to spend time with her, and I ended up getting a part-time job, and quite liking the money. But we promised we’d do it the year after. Except we didn’t get it together that year, and the year after, we were getting ready for uni, and there were loads of goodbye parties, and we didn’t want to leave all our friends. And then we were at uni, and we still promised we’d do it one summer, ’cept now we had new friends, and we were doing stuff with them. And so, long story short, the years rolled on and we never did do it. Started jobs, couldn’t get the same holidays, got married, had kids, and somehow there was always a reason why it couldn’t happen. And then earlier this year, Martin… And now … it never will.”

  I put my arm around his shoulder and he smiles.

  “So, this place,” he says. “This was always meant to be the end of our trip. The rest of it was always kinda flexible, just see what happens kinda thing, but we were always going to finish here.”

  “Why?”

  “Well, look at it, Nate! It’s beautiful. It’s perfect. It’s a little corner of unspoiled paradise.” He shakes his head. “I’ve known about this place since I came on holiday here as a kid with your gran and grandad; I wanted to show it to Martin. And now I want to show it to you. And, Nate? I want you to realize that life can be full of things you’ll never do, if you’re not careful. So do them.”

  “Even if…”

  Dad turns back to me. “They scare you? Yes.”

  “Like, it could mess everything up?”

  “Oh.” Dad chuckles. “Oh, you should totally tell him.”

  I stuff my hands in the pockets of my shorts. “Don’t know what you mean by that, so.”

  “If I was a betting man, I would bet he liked you back, just the same.”

  I can’t look at him, but I hope he carries on.

  “Step out of that comfort zone, Nate,” Dad continues. “Magic awaits when you grab life by the horns! Ooh, maybe that’s what I should call the website. By the horns dot com?”

  I laugh. “Yeah, no, Dad.”

  I find a pebble on the beach, pick it up and throw it out to sea.

  It goes about two metres; doesn’t even reach the water. Nowhere close.

  “Shit throw,” Dad says.

  He picks one up himself.

  “Martin? If you’re up there, this one’s for you, buddy!”

  And he hurls the stone out to sea, so fast, so far, I can’t even see it.

  He turns back to me. “Now, when you were smaller, you were fearless. My god, that performance you did as the Tin Man that time…”

  I flinch slightly. “What about it?”

  “Well, it was … it was…” He licks his lips. “It was brave, Nate. So brave! It was … valiant! That’s an appropriate word. Spirited is another similar word a person could use to describe that … performance.”

  “Bloody hell.”

  “So! Similar mindset now! Be plucky! Go and … pluck!”

  I cringe. And I laugh, and I smile, because, know what? That’s what I’m going to do. I’ve been in the shadows for too long, cowering, afraid, but no more. I’m ready to go out there and live. I’m ready to go out there and be the real me.

  CHAPTER FORTY-SEVEN

  JACK

  Elliot’s gone off to score some dessert, so I’m sitting alone on the sand when Nate comes stomping up and flops down on to the sand next to me.

  “Huh,” he says.

  “Nice chat with Daddy?” I ask.

  He sort of nods. Then he turns to me. “Jack? Serious question, no pissing about, who’s your perfect guy? Like, I’m talking romantically, what type of person would you go for? Be honest.”

  He catches me off guard with this one. I could just tell him, of course. I could just say, “You,” and get it all out there. But what if I’m wrong? What if that would be too much, too soon? At the same time, I need to actually say it, else how will he know? I guess I can always say it, and then turn it into a joke at the end, if it looks like that’s what I need to do. “Well, Nate,” I begin. “He would be … around my height, maybe just fractionally shorter. My sort of build. No abs, he wouldn’t really work out or be bothered about hitting the gym all the time because that just wouldn’t be something that was important to him. He’d have light brown hair, that he would probably describe as nondescript, but which I’d describe as beautiful…” I glance at Nate, and he’s staring back me, a small smile playing on his lips. “It would be styled pretty much the way
it naturally fell, but that would be cool, because the way it naturally fell would be awesome. He would be kind, but he wouldn’t describe himself as kind. He would be intelligent, but in a way that wasn’t measured by exams. He would beat himself up relentlessly over every little thing because he would be an overthinker who cared too much, and he would have within him so much love and so much happiness waiting to burst out.” I glance at Nate. He swallows. I slowly move my hand, so it’s on top of his. “He would be called Nate, and I would have loved him, so much for so long, I just never got round to telling him, because being honest can be hard when you’ve got so much to lose, and when so many people see that as weakness and take advantage, being that vulnerable takes more courage than I usually feel like I’ve got. But I do love him. And…” I swallow hard.

  Silence.

  Just the gentle lap of the waves on the shore.

  Stillness.

  And then, slowly, Nate leans towards me…

  CHAPTER FORTY-EIGHT

  NATE

  I lean into him, and then…

  CHAPTER FORTY-NINE

  JACK

  Finally…

  CHAPTER FIFTY

  JACK & NATE

  We kiss.

  CHAPTER FIFTY-ONE

  NATE

  It’s one kiss. One, beautiful, slow, lingering, kiss on the lips. And I’m shaking, I’m actually trembling, but it’s joy pumping through my veins. It’s the barely believable, spectacular realization that this isn’t just happening, it’s right. All these feelings are colliding and they’re crazy and weird and, yeah, kind of terrifying, but they’re also stars-in-my-eyes brilliant because this, this is what it really feels like. To be in love. To be with the right person. To be happy.

  And then we’re just staring into each other’s eyes, smiling.

  “What?” Jack says, after a bit.

  “What?”

  “No, seriously, what?”

  I chuckle. “I’m happy. Are you?”

  “Jesus, Nate! It’s only taken sixteen years!” Jack laughs. “But I’m glad. Me too.”

  I hear the crunch of feet on sand. “La, la, la! Just returning from picking up some dessert!” Elliot says, nice and loudly, carrying a big bowl of freshly fried mini-doughnuts. “Oh, HI, GUYS! Here you are!” He looks between us and lowers his voice. “I wasn’t sure whether to come back, I said to the doughnut guy, ‘Do you think there’ll be more kissing?’ but it looked like you’d stopped, so, here I am!” He nods at us. “But I can totally go if you want?”