Though my coughing fits were in control yet the joint pains were very much there. I felt weaker and had become pale but I was now tired of resting day in and day out. A month long illness really gets the better out of you. Now that I wasn’t suffering from tuberculosis, I could freely roam around. Slowly I began doing my all the work with a steady pace. Rajat was relieved seeing me resuming my normal routine but he was still worried. Now that I was feeling better, I decided to let him go to attend Kavya di’s wedding. I knew it would be a tricky task to coerce him to go without us but I had to do it. I felt better but travelling was still out of the question for me.
I really wanted him to go because Kavya di and Rajat had shared a one-of-a-kind brother-sister relationship since their childhood. During our honeymoon trip, Rajat had told me all about Kavya di. She was his father’s sister’s daughter. They had spent their summer vacations, holidays and festivals together. Since Rajat had no sister, Kavya di was special to him. In return, Kavya di exchanged the same warmth and understanding of a sister. Every Rakshabandhan, when a sister ties a rakhi on her brother’s wrist, either Rajat would try to go and meet Kavya di or if he could not make it, Kavya di always sent him her rakhi on time. This tradition had strengthened the resilient bond between them.
They were sort of best friends. Be it her birthday, festivals or her college convocation, Rajat never missed any of them. Somehow he always managed to strike a balance in his life while participating in her life events too. It was adorable to hear how much they loved each other. And now that his favourite sister was about to leave for a new venture, I knew Kavya di would miss him like anything if he didn’t go. We were to go together but unfortunately my sudden illness had changed the course of things. But at least Rajat could go. I didn’t want him to hide his disappointment and sorrow from me. So I decided it would be wise if he went. It took some time to convince him but I succeeded in doing so eventually. One evening I got him talking on the subject.
“What are you going to do about Kavya di’s wedding, Rajat?” I asked.
“Nothing, Maya. You are not well so we cannot go.” He said working on his laptop.
“I know I am not well. I cannot travel but you can. You are perfectly alright,” I paused. “…I think you should go, Rajat,” and there he was, bemused to hear this. He stopped working and faced me.
“What are you talking about, Maya? You know we all had planned to go together and now that you aren’t well, I cannot go. I will definitely not go alone leaving you behind in such a state,” he declared his final decision by shaking his head in disagreement.
But I was not going to give up so easily. I counter played. “I am better, Rajat. You can see that. It’s just I can’t travel otherwise I would never stay back and you know this very well. See… you can go to attend just the wedding ceremony. It’s in the afternoon and Mysore is just three hours away. You can leave early in the morning and then come back the same day in the evening,” I put forward a solution.
“No way. I know you are very brave but I am not going without you and Sejal and that’s final.”
I sighed. “Try to understand, Rajat. Do you think she will be happy without you at her wedding? No, she wouldn’t. Think about it. She is your favourite sister and you can give her the best gift by your presence. You know how much she loves you and I know how much you love her too. I don’t want you to sit at home and miss her all the time. She wouldn’t be completely happy on the happiest day of her life. She will keep missing you. You must go, Rajat. Seriously.”
My persuasive words made him think and he paused for a minute.
“But how can I go when you are ill, Maya? We are waiting for the report too.”
“I know but I can call the doctor for my reports. He will tell me everything on phone. I am hoping for the best but if there is anything serious, I will call you the very next moment. And also, I am feeling better. You can see that. Gayatri is there and our neighbours too. It’s just a matter of one day, Rajat. Don’t miss it. I will feel bad if you won’t listen to me,” and I made a sad face, hoping to make him change his mind.
“But… why are you sending me, Maya?” he said sitting next to me, holding my hands.
I touched his face. “Because I love you and don’t want you to sit around moping. Don’t miss your sister’s wedding. See, I don’t feel like sending you away but now that I am sure I can manage myself, I can’t be selfish anymore. Let me do this for you… please my love. I will be happy,” and I squeezed his hands. He thought for a minute.
“Okay fine. I will go, but are you sure you can live for one day without me?” Now he was trying to play with my weakness. Touché!
“I am very sure, Rajat. In fact, I will feel better thinking about both of you. You don’t worry. I will unpack Sejal’s and my clothes. You can take what you need for a day.”
“Hmm, okay. As you say but I am still not sure,” and he shrugged. I convinced him again. Finally he agreed half-heartedly. We called di and told her about Rajat’s coming. She was happy but became sad when she learnt Sejal and I would not be coming. She also said Rajat need not to come if I wasn’t well. My health was more important than her wedding but we assured her of Rajat’s presence. She then gave me her best wishes for my health. Rajat had to leave after two days and in these two days, he cared for me as though I was a baby. I was also sad for sending him away but sometimes we have to make some choices to make our loved ones happy even if it makes our heart sad.
A Night Without You
Rajat had planned to leave for Mysore on the morning of the wedding. But because of a special ritual, he had to leave the previous evening. In this ritual, the bride’s brother had to take her to a nearby sacred place lifting her in his arms. There she’d have to perform some rituals followed by prayers for her new life. Then the brother had to pick the bride in his arms, bringing her back home, protecting her all the way. It symbolised that whenever the girl was in trouble, her brother would do his best to help her. This ritual was sacrosanct and held a very special meaning for the bride. It symbolised the eternal bond between brother and sister. Since Kavya di was the only child of her parents, Rajat was supposed to perform the ritual.
“Call me as soon as you reach there. Take care and come back soon,” I said to Rajat waving him goodbye. He was leaving for Mysore. We were standing in the parking lot of our building and it was eight in the evening.
“I will call you for sure. I am not feeling very happy leaving both of you alone in the house for the first time. But I will leave Kavya di’s house as soon as the wedding gets over. But you have to rest, Maya. You are weak you know. No carelessness and no ignorance. Promise me,” Rajat said in a concerned voice.
“I promise I will. I will follow the doctor’s advice to the dot and I am doing my work gradually. So don’t get so worried. We have good neighbours too. They will take care of me. They are our family too.” I said with a smile.
“I know but still I will say the same. Take your medicines on time and sleep early. No need to stay up late.”
“I know, sweetheart. Don’t be so worried. Everything will be fine I am sure. Let’s say goodbye happily. Sejal! Kiss your papa,”
Sejal jumped up and Rajat tucked her in his arms and hugged her. He planted a fatherly kiss on her cheek.
“Come soon, papa! Don’t forget to bring me a new Barbie doll set, pleaassse,” Sejal sweetly demanded as she wrapped her arms around Rajat’s neck.
“Sure, my little princess,” Rajat said smiling. Then he kissed me on my forehead, hugged me and left. I kept staring at the car until it disappeared. For a few moments I stood there looking in the direction where the car had just disappeared. I had already started missing Rajat.
With a sigh and a heavy feeling in my heart, I held Sejal’s hand and we returned to our flat which was on the third floor of the building. The entrance door of our flat was embellished with a diamond shaped name plate on which was engraved ‘# 09, Rajat and Maya Kapoor’, under that were the carved word
s ‘Welcome to Our Little World’.
When we reached at the door of our flat, I sighed. I knew what I was about to encounter. I prepared myself. When I unlocked the door, I stood at the entrance for a moment holding Sejal’s hand. The house was incredibly silent. No laughter, no sound; just pin drop silence. The usual gaiety of my house was gone. I felt it more intensely as this was the usual time when Rajat, Sejal and I shared precious moments together. The silhouettes of our chats, laughter and shouts of joy flashed by. Rajat always came back home around five o’clock in the evening so that he could spend a sufficient amount of time with us.
Sejal was sad too. She was quiet, waiting for me to enter. “It’s a matter of just one day, Maya. Don’t worry”, I consoled myself. I looked at Sejal. I realised that she needed me more than I needed Rajat. I put on a convincing smile and entered the house holding her hand. She sat on the couch gloomily.
I took her on my lap and asked, “What happened, Sejal?”
“I am missing Papa, Mumma”, she said sadly.
“I’m sad too, baby,” I wanted to say but I restrained myself. It was better to hide my feelings from her. Also, it is not hard to understand how much a daughter can miss her father. I decided to ease her situation.
I hugged her and smiled, “You don’t need to be sad, honey. Papa will be back by tomorrow evening and he will get you a new Barbie doll set, remember? You should be happy. If Papa hears about your sad little face, he won’t like it. You know how much Papa loves you, don’t you?”
As soon as she heard these words, she smiled, “Oh yes, Mumma! You are right. I shouldn’t be sad because I love papa too. Now I will be a good girl. Give me my dinner and then I will go to sleep.”
“That’s like a good girl. I’ll get your food now. You go and wash your hands properly’, I said standing up.
“Okay!” and she ran off to her room.
How easy it is to distract kids. A little distraction and they easily forget all their worries. They don’t have to bother about earning money or running a house. They live in their own little happy carefree world while we adults have to struggle with the harsh realities of life. I wish adults could also avail the same privilege as them.
I sighed, brushed aside my thoughts and served her dinner. I already had had my dinner with Rajat when Sejal was playing with her friend Diya. And now that Rajat was gone, Sejal looked dejected and kept playing with her food instead of eating. Finally I coaxed her to finish her meal. I cleaned up the kitchen while she played.
I wanted Sejal to sleep in our bed tonight. Usually she liked to sleep in her own room but tonight I didn’t want to sleep alone in my bedroom nor did Sejal. Rajat used to tell her stories at bedtime and she loved the time with her father at the end of the day. She would babble about her entire day at school, her friends, teachers and many other things non-stop. Rajat also loved putting her to bed amidst giggles and cuddles He listened to her things patiently and responded accordingly. I would often brush her aside in haste to complete my household chores but she could always bank on her father. That was why bedtime was so sacred for her.
But taking the present situation into the account, we both needed each other. Sejal was telling me how much she was missing Rajat and I could only nod. I told her to not to worry and go to sleep quickly. I took Sejal with me to my room. Looking at the other side of the bed reminded me of Rajat. Some of his clothes were scattered here and there. The emptiness of my room teased me. Tears surfaced into my eyes but I hid them well lest Sejal would start crying too. I thought it would be better to make Sejal sleep before Rajat’s call. I read her a nice story from her story book and did my best to fill the void created by her father’s absence. I succeeded and after an array of questions, she fell asleep.
When she was fast asleep, I tried to sleep too. But sleep seemed to have gone away with Rajat. I tried again by shutting my eyes for a long time but it didn’t work. I remembered how Rajat used to comfort me since I had fallen sick. After putting Sejal in bed, he would keep talking to me until I drifted off to sleep. Partially because of my illness and mainly because of his absence, I wasn’t able to sleep. I looked at the clock. It was ten. There were eight full fledged hours remaining before the beginning of another day and I was not able to get even ten minutes of shut eye.
The next day was Sunday. This thought made me restless. Sejal could manage herself by playing with her neighbourhood friends but what about me? What would I do tomorrow? How would I manage a whole day without Rajat? How would the day pass? All these questions made me anxious and put an end to my attempts of trying to get some sleep. Usually it is not hard to manage for one day. I could do it easily but since the time I had fallen sick, Rajat had been nursing me all the time. This way I had become emotionally dependent on him and now that he was not here, emotions were spurting out and had made me weak. Every weekend we loved to do something different. We’d watch a movie, take Sejal to some fun place, visit a tourist spot or just visit a friend; we’d always make good use of Saturday and Sunday. Now those memories hurt and I couldn’t sleep.
I reminisced about how he had started taking care of me lately and how much worried he was. He had to make me forcefully swallow the pill. I had always been recalcitrant for not taking medicines. I was chewing on such relics when the phone rang, startling me for a moment. I rushed to pick it up hoping that it was Rajat but it happened to be Kavya di on the other side. She was checking on my health. I smiled when I listened to her concerned voice. I assured her that I was well and gave my best wishes for her new life. She said she would miss Sejal and me at her wedding. She made me promise to visit her soon after I recovered and I did. We talked for few more minutes and then wished each other good night.
After trying my best to sleep and failing miserably, I sat up on the bed thinking of Rajat. It would take him around two or more hours to reach to Kavya di’s house. I was missing him tenderly in the cold night. The cold reminded me of Rajat’s warm embrace in which I could easily curl up. I decided to call him and in next few seconds, he was on the other side.
“Hi Maya! You are not asleep? Are you okay?” Rajat asked as he stopped the car at the side of the road.
“Yeah, I am fine. Don’t worry, love. It is just… umm… I am missing you, Rajat,” I mumbled.
“Oh! I miss you too, Maya. Only you can imagine how lonely I am feeling right now. You know I have never travelled without you and the empty passenger seat next to me is reminding me of you constantly. I am missing my little princess too. How is she? Did she have her dinner on time? Take care of her.”
“She is asleep. She had her dinner. She was a bit sad during bedtime but she is five years old now and she does understand things, Rajat. That’s why I am not worried about her. I hope tomorrow will go off well too. It’s getting late. If you’re hungry, stop at a restaurant and eat something.”
“No need. I am full. Don’t worry, Maya,” he smiled.
“Okay. Enjoy the wedding and come home soon. Kavya di called me. She was nice and asked me about my health. I told her that I am feeling better. Anyway, you drive carefully” I said trying not to cry.
“Yeah, I will. Do not worry, Maya. And I know she is a nice person. I will be at home tomorrow evening. It’s just one day, Maya and I am sure you can manage. Right?” he tried to console me.
“Yeah, you are right. Don’t worry.”
Rajat smiled and said, “I knew that. That’s my girl. I love you, Maya. Do not miss me too much. I will message y….”
And all of a sudden, the call got disconnected. I was startled for a moment. I started to check if my phone’s battery had run out but it had not. Then I realised the balance of the prepaid card in my phone was finished. Rajat had forgotten to recharge it before leaving. I rubbed my temple as I pondered over what could be done. I immediately put on the laptop to recharge it online but I found there was a problem with the internet connection. This meant I had no other way to talk to Rajat. I cursed my destiny for putting me in a fix. For a moment
taking the help of my neighbours crossed my mind but it was too late to disturb others. I would have to wait till the morning. I just wanted to listen to his voice a little longer.
Then Rajat called again to check why the call had got disconnected. I told him the reason and I asked whether he could recharge my phone. He said he’d try as soon as he reached di’s house. We chatted for few more minutes and hung up.
I knew I was going overboard with nostalgia. I disliked it. After my illness we had become even closer and he had started to give me as much of his time as he could. I didn’t realise that sending him away would dare to put me in such angst. I was still not able to asleep. I looked around and my eyes rested on the swing in the balcony. After our wedding, Rajat and I had bought this swing for our balcony to add a special touch and also to spend some private moments. We’d sit together silently holding each other’s hands. His silence had always filled me with tenderness and warmth. We had chatted, kissed, and teased each other on that very swing. On most nights we found ourselves gazing at the twinkling stars. It was something that we loved to do. I also remembered our tenth anniversary party chronically and how we made love after kissing on the swing.
Suddenly I longed to sit in my balcony. I stood up, went to the balcony and sat on the swing. If Rajat had been here, he wouldn’t have allowed me do so. But it was so lonely without him. I sighed. The cool breeze stroked my body and I curled up on the swing. There was a nip in the air. As a warm escape, I decided to have a cup of hot coffee though I knew it would only keep me awake. But sleep was playing hide and seek with me so it did not really matter. I made a big cup of black coffee, wrapped myself in a big blanket and sat with my legs crossed on the swing. With the first sip, the train of memories started taking me to the stations of my past life. Good memories are always evocative. I thought it was better to get lost in those happy memories rather than sitting and moping.
It’s Never Too Late Page 5