It’s Never Too Late

by Priyanka Baranwal

  I found out how beautiful South India was. People were mostly friendly. I faced some issues as I didn’t understand the regional languages but managed to make my way. It was a whole new world for me.

  There was so much learning involved. I was very excited about my life. I was right. The anxiety I experienced before leaving IIT was all but a glitch inside my head. In Bangalore everything had perfectly fallen into place.

  In the process, I had rented an apartment for myself where I could stay comfortably and relax. It was for the first time in my life that I was completely on my own. No friends hanging out in my room, no parents, no teachers, no one but only me. For the first time I got the earthy essence of complete freedom.

  I could do whatever I wanted to and whenever I wanted to. I could meet my friends anytime and could go out late in the evenings. I joined several workshops, ate whatever tickled my taste buds, updated my wardrobe, and attended slumber parties at my friends’ places without any restrictions.

  I had had quite a bit of freedom at IIT too but there had been certain restrictions as well. But it was different in Bangalore. I was enjoying every bit of it but I also reminded myself that with positive comes a negative side too. There were so many things in big cities that could easily spoil one. Late night parties, drinking, discotheques and pubs and not to mention the effects of the wrong company; in short, an overdose of freedom is bound to have adverse effects. Living alone also had its demerits. One has to be alert all the time especially if you are a girl.

  All in all, freedom has its pros and cons. I also managed my savings as much as I could. Money has great power and it makes life easy. I made sure my life went on smoothly. Managing everything on my own was tough initially but gradually I learnt the ropes. Bangalore was giving me much more than I was giving it back and independence had topped the list.

  The time flew by quickly and I settled down. I had never imagined Bangalore would be such a wonderful city to live in. Its pleasant weather was the best thing about it. I loved it. I had made many friends too with whom I went for several outings. I was overjoyed when my parents came to visit me after few months of my stay in Bangalore. I took them to all the sights and they enjoyed their visit.

  In Bangalore I made three good friends: Shraddha, Madhu and Kartik. While Kartik and Shraddha were my colleagues at work, Madhu was Shraddha’s friend whom I had met at Shraddha’s house. The four of us got along really well and in no time had become the best of friends. While Shraddha and Madhu also helped me settle down in the city, Kartik took me around the city where I could put my photography skills to test. Every now and then, we’d have get-togethers at one of our places. Whenever one needed the other, he or she would always present there.”

  ****************

  My reverie was interrupted when I heard Sejal wake up. She found that I wasn’t around and started calling out for me. I comforted her and made her go back to sleep. As she went back to sleep, the memories of the past crept into my mind.

  Happy Birthday, Sweetheart!

  Afew months had passed and I was well settled in Bangalore. My emotions had stabilised too. Everything seemed to be on track. But now that my heightened emotions settled down to a normal level I came to a state where I was able to analyse my life in its truest sense.

  My everyday routine was becoming monotonous. I was in office from the morning till the evening. I’d come back home, often very late, and would make dinner or sometimes even skip it and go to sleep. That was it. I had been to almost all the places in the city. There was nothing left to explore. The work load had increased and left me fatigued at the end of the day. A break was much needed. Corporate jobs look alluring but one had to be prepared to work very hard. If you were lucky, you genuinely liked your work or it just the salary that made it worthwhile. For me it was the latter though I must admit my job had given me three best friends and a chance to live in Bangalore. That was why I was toiling every day to achieve success with the right attitude.

  One Saturday I was sitting in my balcony with a cup of coffee and I started to analyse the turns my life had taken recently. Almost a year back I was in IIT Kanpur, studying hard and now I was busy working in Bangalore. It was out of the question that my life hadn’t given me more than I had asked for. I believed that once in every while, one should take out some time for the retrospection. Analysing over the past, present and future gives an insight that helps the person inside you grow.

  But the more I introspected, the more I was mystified. Something seemed to be empty like a hollow pipe and I had been ignoring it for a long time. Going back and forth through the endless memories, I paused many times exactly like a train that stops at small stations for few minutes. In those minutes, I felt something had been left behind while I had moved on. Something was holding me somewhere back in time. I couldn’t understand what but there was something. I tried harder and harder to put my finger on it. I tried to peep into that hollow pipe and see what was on the other side.

  My life seemed like a puzzle. All the pieces were together. I had been blessed with great parents, was an IITian, had a good job, was independent and had great friends; life was good with no piece amiss. But if this was the case then why did the picture seem blurred?

  As I was contemplating over these thoughts, Rajat’s phone call startled me. He had called to know about my whereabouts and then we chatted for a while. I was glad to hear that he had done well in his projects. There was no way I could discuss the thoughts I was having with him since there were other things too to talk about. I had kept in touch with Rajat over the phone and had shared e-mails and texts all these months. Talking to him on the phone was something I always looked forward to. Sometimes the duration of the call was as short as a fresh breeze or sometimes as long as a lasting fragrance. Talking to him was akin to a relaxation therapy for me. I figured out that may be I was missing our friendship which had brought me so much joy in IIT.

  Days seemed to pass slowly or it seemed to me as I went on with my monotonous routine. Emptiness had started to creep inside me. Everything was the same but I was feeling out of the place. I kept searching for that missing key. Sometimes I travelled and took some lovely photographs assuming I must be missing my hobby but that did not help either. Slowly I withdrew into a shell. All I wanted to do was to sit back home and do nothing. My meetings with Shraddha, Madhu and Kartik seemed to be a thing of the past and we slowly drifted away later as everybody had their own schedule. But they kept in touch through texts and calls. At times when I couldn’t bear my hollowness, I craved to be with my parents and missed them terribly. But I never told them about it. They would get worried and I wouldn’t like it either.

  To make matters worse, my birthday was coming up the next month. I wasn’t in the mood for any celebrations so I decided to stay home all day and do nothing. I’d just watch movies, surf the internet and would chat with Rajat and my parents. That was all I could think of. But Rajat was excited about my birthday. He asked me what I wanted for a birthday gift. After thinking for a moment, I replied that I missed our days at IIT Kanpur; that I missed our Hall 1 canteen and eating snacks together; that I missed every moment of our little world. I wished I could go back in time to re-live them again. He listened patiently. We talked about our IIT days for a long time. When he hung up, I was still lost in those memories. I smiled and suddenly my eyes welled up with tears. I felt an urgent desire to cry. How I missed those fun filled days. How I missed my life in IIT. And how much I had missed Rajat!

  For the first time, I came closer in figuring out what was wrong with my life. The puzzle was complete but it was upside down. That was why I couldn’t get the clear picture. The moment I realised I was missing Rajat and not just our platonic friendship; his words, his silence, his faith and support, his laughter and above all his presence next to me, the puzzle automatically positioned itself correctly and the picture became vivid. It had been Rajat who had stolen my heart. His memories had always brought a smile to my face whenever I was
upset. And how those smiles slowly turned into sad ones as my heart had been furtively missing him.

  How foolish I had been. Why hadn’t I figured it out earlier? It was so easy to do so. I sat quietly on the couch for a long time, thinking about him and all of a sudden, tears started to roll down my cheeks. I slowly realised that the thing which was missing all this while was Rajat. The bizarre feeling I had just before my final semester in IIT belonged to the fear of going away from him. How had I been so oblivious not to notice it earlier?

  I cursed myself “You fool, you stupid girl. You have been missing him all the time. You love him. You are madly in love with him”. I cried loudly. For the first time in my life, I felt absolutely two extreme feelings at the same time. I was peaceful as I was touched by love but at the same time I was restless as I wanted to see him immediately. My heart started to ache less but the pinch was present.

  Since then, there was nothing that could uplift my spirits. I didn’t have the courage to talk about this to Rajat. I was completely oblivious to his feelings. As the days passed, I became like a robot doing all my work automatically, ignoring the presence of the blood pumping organ in my body along with its twisted feelings – the heart. Whenever I thought of Rajat, my heart filled with pain. Hence, I no longer wanted to feel its presence. It started taking a toll on my health too. Rajat wanted to have a video chat one day but I ignored his request. He could make out something was wrong and was worried. I didn’t tell him about my weak health but he realised that I wasn’t well. He tried to call as often as possible but I started to ignore some of his calls in the fear that I might start crying at the sound of his voice.

  **********************************

  A day before my birthday, I became feverish and took three days leave as per the doctor’s advice. I had also been crying since the night before. Rajat called me at midnight to wish me. I talked to him and tried to sound cheerful. When I realised I couldn’t deceive him anymore, I hung up, tears started to wet my cheeks and I cried uncontrollably. I desperately wanted to be with him.

  The next morning on my birthday, I was really jaded. Teardrops had dried up on my face and I felt emptied within. The lachrymal gland refused to squeeze out one more tear drop. Somewhere in between my tasks, their traces touched the corners of my eyes but I wiped them away. I was dangling between states in which I felt neither pain nor joy. It appeared that my emotions too had made their way out with the tears. I received several calls from my friends, my parents and a few relatives. They all gave me their best wishes for my birthday and health. But I wanted to shut the door of my world and not let anyone enter into it. I spoke briefly to all of them but refused to meet anyone. All I wanted was to be with Rajat. I wanted to be in his arms for the rest of my life. He called me again in the afternoon. I talked and started sobbing. He became extremely worried when he heard of me crying. He behaved like my guardian angel assuring me that everything would be fine and I should not worry. This was it. This was the final cue to make me realise that Rajat was the one whom I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. He tried hard to make me smile but we both knew it was impossible. I hung up quickly. I curled up on the couch and drifted off to sleep dreaming about him.

  I woke up with a jolt in the evening. Someone was at the door and was ringing the door bell continuously. I got up hurriedly. Rubbing my eyes, I looked out of window. It was already dark. I quickly washed my face to remove fossils of the tears. Handling myself carefully and with an absolute blank mind, I reached the door to open it. For a moment I wondered if it was Kartik and the others who had come to give me a surprise. I shook my head. I was in no mood to attend a party let alone be the centre of its attraction.

  I opened the latch and swirled the knob, clueless about the unexpected guest. The door creaked open and what I saw, my mind refused to register. I froze for I could not believe the sight. Words refused to come out while my hands started to tremble and my legs seemed to become numb. With a gush of emotions whirling into my head, I reached out my hand but precisely at that moment, the world around me started to spin and I collapsed. Two arms instantly caught me and lifted me gently as though I was as light as a feather. I tried to mumble something but I had already lost my senses.

  When I opened up my eyes, I found myself lying on the couch with a blanket over me. Water was being sprinkled over my face. I still could not believe what I saw in front of me. The sight was simply incredible. It was undoubtedly the best picture that God could have ever created for me.

  It was Rajat, the Rajat whom I had been missing so badly. It could not be true, I thought. He lived far away in Kanpur. There was no chance of him being in Bangalore. I blinked a few times to make sure I was not dreaming. I even rubbed my eyes but the sight refused to change for it was serene to see. There he was, sitting on his knees right in front of me and looking at me with his angelic face that had stolen my heart long time ago without giving me any prior notice. His beautiful lips were curved into a smile while his forehead was creased with concern. His eyes were filled with warmth. I shook my head. This had to be a dream.

  “What have you done to yourself, Maya?” he whispered caressing the tangled locks on my face. I felt his touch and instantly came back to reality with a jerk. It was real. Rajat was here with me in Bangalore on my birthday. Wow! A big smile escaped my lips. I felt a gargantuan flood of emotions jabbing hard inside my body, waiting to break and spurt out like an untamed wild river. But I was unable to figure out how to let it out and express them to him. He had not been there with me for what seemed like centuries and now that he was here, right here with me, I was speechless.

  I was still living in a daze but three things I was fairly sure about: first, Rajat cared enough for me to give me a surprise on my birthday; second, I wasn’t sure whether to tell him about my feelings for him and third, I certainly was not in my best state. I winced but at the same time I smiled. It took all my energy to resist myself from falling into his arms.

  I sat up. At least he was with me on my birthday. That was more than I could ever want. I said, “Nothing, Rajat. Just fever.” And just then something hit my senses. I asked in shock, “But how come you are here, Rajat? You didn’t even inform me.” Fortunately I was gaining control over my senses gradually.

  “I wanted to surprise you but you have surprised me instead with your state, Maya. Last month I had decided to give you a surprise on your birthday by coming here. Then you started to behave strangely. I had already planned to come but it became urgent when I heard you sobbing. I was so worried for you. Remember when I called you this afternoon? I was at Delhi airport and couldn’t wait to see you,” he said softly holding my face in his hands.

  My tears started to wet his palms as I listened to his words. He embraced me as though I was a small baby; patting and caressing my ruffled hair. In between my sobbing, I saw his eyes brimming with tears too. I wiped them with my shaking fingers and he smiled. We looked at each other for a moment. I looked into his eyes and I saw the pain; I saw a strange intensity infused in them which I had never witnessed earlier. Something was holding us back again. I wished time could stop at this very moment. But Rajat chose to break the hypnotic effect of the moment. “Have you eaten something since morning, Maya?” he asked, looking down.

  “No. I haven’t,” I said weakly, looking at him for a brief moment. I felt my heart beat racing like a sprinter and I needed to control them. I looked away.

  “Then you must eat something first.”

  I looked at him. His eyes were twinkling and he seemed to be up to something. He stood up and reached for a packet that he had brought along with him. He opened it carefully.

  “I hope you will like it,” and he put the box in front of me on the table.

  To my surprise, inside the box was a delicious looking cake. He brought a knife and a big plate from the kitchen and put the cake on it. He had also brought a candle which he placed in the centre and then waited for me to cut the cake. But I was too hypnotised by his
presence to move my hands. He seemed to realise that too. He put the knife in my hand.

  “I have brought your favourite cake, Maya. It is butterscotch with chocolate and vanilla icing. The candle shows our lifelong friendship” and he guided my hand to cut the cake.

  He sang’ Happy Birthday’ and put a small piece of cake in my mouth. I was about to feed him a piece too but before I could do that, he took some of the icing and spread it on my face with a childish smile. He chuckled and fished out a camera from his bag to take a photograph of me. I was becoming overwhelmed with emotions. I felt like I would go mad the very next second if I didn’t do anything to comfort my aching heart.

  Oblivious to my inner battle, Rajat took a photo of me and laughed. Seeing him laugh heartily was the last straw. The beautiful sight of him filled my eyes with tears. I couldn’t hold myself anymore. I ran towards him and hugged him tightly as though I’d never let him go. That moment it didn’t matter what he thought of me. I was not able to think on this note anymore. I started to pour out my heart to him. Words were coming out incoherently because of my uncontrollable sobbing.

  “I missed you, Rajat. I have missed you so much. You know ever since I left IIT and came to Bangalore, I had always felt something was missing; something was not in its place. It took me months to figure that out. But now I know that I missed you, Rajat. I missed your laughter, your voice, your smell; everything related to you. I have missed you so badly, Rajat.”