It’s Never Too Late

by Priyanka Baranwal

  Rajat was astounded. His eyes went wide as I had dropped a bomb. “What? Is this really true, Maya? You used HIV as your defence? How did you get this idea?” I smiled at his astonishment.

  “Yeah. It’s all true Rajat. When I was in IIT, I attended many workshops. One was on HIV and AIDS. I learnt quite a bit about it. I used all that knowledge to my advantage to fool the two men. I knew it doesn’t spread by coming in the contact of the affected person unless he or she has some wound. Unsafe sex also promotes it. Tattooing, using unhygienic injections, or coming in contact with a bloody scratch on the patient may infect you as well but I used the basics only. I know how people are unaware about HIV and AIDS. Interestingly, kissing, touching and sitting next to the infected person is safe. People have very little knowledge and these two really had very little idea. I was lucky that they believed me. I had just one belief: when you are weaker in terms of physical strength, you have to use the strength of your mind. Attack the mind, weaken it and then completely destroy it. There was great risk but it was a do or die situation. I did it to save my family. It was my good luck that it worked in my favour.” I said and narrated the rest of the details quietly. I also included what Sejal had to endure in details. He knew in pieces but now he knew the whole picture. When I finished, I waited for him to speak.

  He listened to my every word patiently in silence. He was very attentive. And then he spoke, “Oh Maya! I am so sorry that you had to go through all this. If only I had been there. It is our good luck that your idea worked. It’s tough to imagine that you managed to defeat them. You have proved that women are no longer weak. You have shown that the mind is stronger than the body. You also did the right thing to not tell anyone about your trick. People may not understand it completely. I am proud of you but I can’t forgive myself, Maya. It is entirely my fault. It is all my fault. I should never ever have left.” He said shaking his head. The guilty was rising within him. “But I know it still hurts, right Maya? I can see it in your eyes, on your body in the form of these bruises, in your actions and in your words. I can feel the pain is bolting your every nerve.” He gently touched and caressed the wounds on my body.

  “I am glad that your idea worked otherwise I…” he couldn’t finish his sentence. It was useless to talk about things that hadn’t happened.

  I could understand his unspoken words. I tried to soothe his guilty pangs.

  “It’s not your fault, love. It just happened. And yes! It hurts. It still hurts. I know I am safe but it’s hard to live with what happened. Every time I close my eyes I see their wicked faces. I can still feel their fingers on my body. I rubbed my body hard but they’re still there. See, Rajat,” I said showing him my face, neck and wrists, “These are the places where they had touched me. My legs still shiver and hands still feel locked. I hate it, Rajat, I hate this all so much. When they were harassing Sejal, I wanted to kill those bastards.” I said sobbing loudly and covered my face with my hands.

  “Hey…. hey. Come here,” He held me close.

  “Don’t worry Maya. I can feel your pain. I am with you now. I will never ever go anywhere leaving you and Sejal alone. Nobody will touch you ever again, Maya, and it’s my promise to you. My life circles around you both. Everything will be fine soon” His eyes were wet and fists were clenched.

  “I know it’s hard for you to forget what happened but you have to give it a try. For me? For our family? We all have to,” he said and I could see the anger rising in him.

  “I hate this all too. I will make sure he gets the toughest punishment for the crime he has committed,” Rajat said fuming.

  “I know you are here now but I am so worried about Sejal. How could they hit her? When Jackal spanked her face, it took all of my strength to stop myself from doing something stupid. My whole plan would have crumbled with just one silly mistake. But now I want him to receive the harshest punishment so that it would be a lesson to all criminals,” I said with a voice of steel.

  “I don’t know how but he will pay for this,” said Rajat. Then he went to Sejal and kissed her forehead. “I will not spare that bastard for harassing my wife and daughter. One is gone but I will not let the other one go and that Beeji as well. I will not spare any of them at any cost,” he said with firm determination in his eyes; the determination of a husband who loved his wife deeply; the determination of a father who adored his daughter above everything.

  I could feel his body trembling. To put him at ease, I spoke in a calm tone.

  “You don’t cry, Rajat. It doesn’t suit you,” I tried to lessen his pain. The pain I was going through was more than enough to bear. “Hold onto yourself, honey. Life is going to be tough. It may take years to come out of this tragedy. But the toughest part will be to handle Sejal. She is too scared and it may be a while before she becomes herself again. Will she able to forget what happened with her? If not consciously then sub-consciously she may remember the incident. It will trouble her.” I said.

  “I know and I understand Maya. But don’t worry. Sejal is too small to remember anything. It’s just a matter of time before she forgets everything. But one thing is for sure, I will never leave you both again… ever. And one day, we all will be a happy family again without a tiniest memory of last night. I promise.”

  I looked at him and let myself fall into his arms. He gave me my medicines. I wanted to sleep and with Rajat by my side, I knew I could win over every odd. I quickly started to drift off to sleep. Just then his phone beeped. It was Kavya di. Rajat explained everything to her quietly. She was on her way to her in-laws’ house.

  He talked to her for a few minutes and hung up. He came to me. I partially opened my eyes. He told me that Kavya di was upset because she couldn’t be with me at a time like this. But she has sent her best wishes. I nodded as I felt sleepy and embraced him.

  Finally I slept. After what it seemed like a very long time.

  Winning the Battle against Fear

  When a girl or woman gets raped in a city, it automatically hits the headlines. My case was in the papers too. But it was different. I was alone at my home with my five year old daughter, fought with two guys stronger than me and finally I managed to escape without getting raped! My survival wasn’t a common thing that happens every now and then. It’s rare and rare things do get attention.

  I was in the news everywhere. I had become the breaking news for the newspapers and channels. The media had gathered information from the police station and now our phones were ringing continuously. Media persons even reached Shruti’s door. Everybody wanted the same thing - my story in my words. They wanted an interview with me. They kept pestering me but I preferred to stay away.

  ‘To hell with that,’ I thought. Did any one of them have slightest of idea of what I had gone through? Could they possibly showcase my pain and humiliation in the papers and on the screen? I was disgusted. All they wanted was to increase their TRP ratings. They are all same, I told myself and stayed away from them. The media was flooded with my reaction but my name had not been disclosed.

  Why is she not picking up any calls?

  Why is she not ready for the interviews? If she is scared for her safety, the entire nation is with her. The police and media will give her the protection she needs.

  If 23rd October changed her life, she can change others’ too. She should come out with her story.

  Why is she keeping herself hidden when she can be a phenomenal inspiration and can send a strong message? She is a survivor. She is a fighter.

  The whole nation is waiting for her to come out and tell her story.

  Almost every news channel was crippled with such headlines. I hated all of this. I didn’t do anything to show off. What I did was solely for my family. That was it. It was my thing, my struggle, not the world’s.

  When Sejal woke up the next morning, only Rajat was in the room. She was terrified. She started asking several questions. Rajat consoled her and described what her tiny mind could absorb. He narrated a simple story where
everything turned out well in the end. I had informed her class teacher that she wouldn’t be able to come to school for few days as she was not well.

  Every now and then she would scream especially if she saw a stranger. It was difficult for her to eat anything though she tried. The fear had shrunk her appetite. She hardly went outside to play. If she played, it was only with Diya and Aara, her doll. She hardly watched TV. All she did was to stay close to her father. Rajat often had to control himself from crying in front of her. He couldn’t bear the sight. He loved his daughter and stayed close to her throughout the day. He had also taken a few days leave from office.

  People from the society had started to come to see us. They all wanted to hear my story. Most of the faces were inquisitive and they had a multitude of questions just to gossip about. It had irritated me and I kept some distance from such people. For some, I was still their friend but for others, I was now a different person; who had taken on a new avatar in just one night. Rajat and Shruti’s family stayed with me all the time and were prompt to tackle things tactfully. Sejal thankfully was busy playing with Diya and Aara. All in all, we were receiving a mixed bag of reactions from different people.

  Somehow one more day passed on. At night when we all were having dinner together, I vent my anger on the media and some of the neighbours at the table.

  “I can’t believe this, Uncle. People are coming to rub salt on our wounds. They are enjoying the misery we are going through. Did you see Mr Mehta’s eyes? He was gazing me like I was standing naked in front of him. And Sulekha? She was trying to suppress her smile like you were describing a funny story to her. Disgusting!” I grunted.

  Everyone had their lips pursed, probably letting me vent my frustration. “And the media? They all want to raise their TRPs. But why they don’t understand anything, Rajat? My pain? Our misery? I did it for all of us, for my family. Not for a show.” I lashed out. It was hard for me to talk sanely and everyone round the table understood it.

  “I know, Maya, but you should not neglect the positive side as well. There are still a few people who are willing to help you and Rajat. Sameeksha, Mrs Sharma and old Mrs Kaushik were so supportive today. You must see the bright side too, Maya,” Uncle said.

  I shook my head.

  “But I can also understand your situation and how hard it must be to deal with everything. But after thinking a lot, I have concluded that…“he paused. He caught a good glimpse of everyone’s faces which were turned towards him. They all were waiting for him to complete his sentence.

  “I have concluded that you should not hide like a coward. You should face it upfront. Then only you will be able to handle everything coming your way. You must speak about it. It will make you stronger.

  “I think you should go out and tell the world that women are not weak anymore. You should tell your story. This way, you can send a strong message not only for girls but also for everyone. You are a survivor, Maya, not a victim. You are already a paradigm to all of us for the bravery and courage you have shown. People should know about your pain and suffering. Then only you will bring your fight to actual fruition. That’s the only way to show people like Jackal and Lion that women are not toys. That’s the only way to make people more sensitive towards women,” Uncle said in a firm voice.

  Everyone was silent. After few seconds of exchanging glances, it was Shruti who broke the ice.

  “Maya, we all are with you and we will always want the best for you and your family. Papa is right. I think that should exactly be the next course of action,” she said as she held my hand.

  “Seriously, Shruti? You are also tuning to their frequencies? Incredible!” I snapped, snatching my hand away.

  “Think about it, Maya. It’s hard I know but give it a thought,” she said meekly.

  I shook my head to and fro. “I can’t do this, Shruti. I am so scared. I am so very petrified. You want to know why? Because after all that has happened, I am also angry with myself. Why I am so weak? Why am I a woman? Why the hell was I too feeble to put up a fight with them? There are already so many questions to deal with.”

  Shekhar was about to say something when Rajat cued him to stay silent. I heard Rajat speak.

  “Do you think we are not dealing with questions, Maya? We all are. But your questions must be answered first and that tops the list for all of us sitting here.”

  Everyone nodded in unison.

  “You can get the answers for your questions once you come out of your anger, frustration and fear. Have control over your thought process, Maya. You have shown you are strong enough to put down those criminals. Step outside and do it again. Give your interviews. People want to hear your words because they want to get inspired. Everybody is talking about you. They are not insensitive people who just want to listen to a good night story in which the good wins the battle. They are human beings; people like you and me. They also face so many atrocities and that’s why, they are looking out for some inspiration to fight their own helplessness and miseries. This way, you will win the battle against your biggest enemy, fear. Only then you will start to believe in yourself and you will get the answers to your questions. I am with you. We all are.”

  “Yes, Maya. Go out and show the world what a woman can do when it comes to save her family,” Aunty spoke up.

  I was at an impasse. I looked at Rajat first and then at everyone else. The confidence they had in me was visible on their faces. I kept fidgeting with the spoon I had in my hand.

  “Okay. Let me think about it. Please try to understand. It’s not easy for me to do what you all want. I will give it a thought for sure but I need some time.”

  “We all understand, Maya. You take all the time in the world to think over it. Now go and get some rest,” Shekhar said.

  When Rajat and I came to the room, I started pondering. Rajat had said one thing that hit the chord. I was indeed scared and had been battling with my own self and my fear. I was not able to come out of my own misery. I was in a desperate need of finding something that could seep strength into me and here the entire nation was waiting to be inspired by me.

  But the truth was, I was scared to lose my family again. I had been precariously trying to suppress my fear. Finally I sat beside Rajat on the bed.

  “I am not sure Rajat. I am still scared that somehow I will lose you and Sejal again. I am not in the state to fight with my own fear. I can’t expose the HIV trick that I had used. I just can’t. It can lead to trouble.” I placed my head in his palms.

  “I understand, Maya. I am scared too. But will living in constant fear solve our problems? Will it give you the answers you want? Hell no. Think of those girls and women who have been victims of rape. You were strong enough to save yourself but what about them, Maya? Don’t limit your strength to you only; spread it in every possible direction. If you can heal someone from your words, if you can empower someone with your message, it will certainly heal you in return.” And then he cupped my face in his hands. His action seemed like a déjà vu of the moment when Jackal had done the same. I quickly turned my face away. Unaware of the sudden earthquake that had just rocked me deeply, he continued.

  “I request you to come out of your fear and face the world. Hiding is not the solution. You can skip the HIV part. Tell them the rest of the story and win your own battle. I will be by your side and you know it,” Rajat said holding my hands.

  “But I don’t have the strength to face anymore atrocity, Rajat”

  “Then let your family be your strength, Maya. Sometimes to gain something, we need to give first. Give away your fear and let us give you strength.” His words worked. I thought for few minutes over the pros and cons before saying yes. It was true that living with my fear would do me no good. I was living inside a velvety sheath that could be easily charred with piercing glances. I didn’t want that. At this stage or the other, I would have to come out. If what Rajat was saying that going out was the only solution to overcome my fear, it was the right time to do it. Maybe s
tretching my wings would give me the freedom from the anger and frustration within me. But there was one glitch. I wasn’t sure whether I’d have enough strength in my wings to fly.

  But if I refused, things would always remain the same and there was no question about that.

  My mind was filled with uncertainties but keeping my fingers crossed, I surrendered and said yes. Rajat hugged me.

  “Trust me Maya. Things will get better. Just trust me.”

  The next day, I went out to a news channel and gave an interview. I was well received by the people. I was asked several questions regarding the entire incident to which I answered in a dignified manner. As Rajat and I had decided, I didn’t speak about the HIV. And it was not unfair as it was not the trick that saved me. Rather, it was the love for my family that made me stand against the crime. I fought because I believed it’s never too late to find an escape or a solution.

  My words spread like fire in a jungle. I was everywhere; my story had touched millions of people; my words had affected thousands of lives. People had started to connect with me. I had never thought of such a reaction to my story. I was stunned at how people opened their hearts for me. I was inundated with endless emails in which women shared their own stories. Reading them repressed my own trauma. I wasn’t alone. What Rajat said earlier was right. Coming out was probably the best solution to find my lost inner self. I felt I wasn’t alone on this earth. There were several people struggling with their fears everyday in their own way. I was merely one of them.