by VR Baucke
Making the most of her on her stomach, I flicked the clip of her bra then wasted no time in running my hands down the backs of her legs and up again. The hum she made when I grabbed a handful of her rounded ass evaporated all moisture in my mouth. Rolling her so she now lay on her back beneath me, the sight of her took away what oxygen my body had left.
Lil’s unsure voice swam through my senses. “What’s wrong?”
“Fuck, you’re even more beautiful out of your clothes. Don’t cover yourself,” I said, batting her hands away from her chest.
It wasn’t until Lil tugged off my shirt that the hunger in her eyes blindsided me. I fucking faltered because I recognised that look and it brought everything flooding back in the worst way possible.
Without warning, we weren’t alone; Lotte was in the room with us, watching us, surrounding me with her presence that had me flashing back to when she was beneath me, not Lil.
Lil immediately noticed my change in demeanour. “Gage?” Concern laced her voice as her hands reached for my face. “Seriously, what’s wrong?”
I realised I had frozen in place, not moving, barely daring to breathe as I fought my conscience on every level.
I reared back from her touch as panic clawed through my chest. My breath became ragged as I grappled to regain control, struggling to become grounded again.
“Fuck. I… I’m so fucking sorry, Lil. I can’t do this. It’s not you, I swear. But I just can’t fucking do this.”
I was up and moving before I could think, zipping my jeans and grabbing my shirt off the floor. The single glance I dared to cast back at her when I reached the doorway sent me spiralling even more. Lil had the cover pulled around her and sat hugging her knees. The hurt etched deep on her face smashed what remained of my heart to smithereens.
Her wavering voice halted me to the spot. “What did I do?”
With a heavy sigh that did nothing to ease the agonising ache in my soul, I turned to face her. She flinched at the sight of me, and it sickened me that I was doing this to her. It wasn’t intentional, but that didn’t make a shred of difference to how badly I’d just offended her.
“Nothing, Lil, I promise. I wanted to. Fuck, Lord knows I do. I just can’t right now… It’s me, Sunshine, not you. Don’t ever think it’s you.”
I’m the one who can’t let go of the past.
She eyed me until moisture began to spring along her bottom eyelids. It was when she dropped her head to her knees that my knees weakened. She was fighting for composure, and it killed me that I was the cause of her tears.
“I’ll sleep on the couch,” I croaked.
Without looking up, Lil sniffed. “Give me a minute and I’ll grab you some sheets.”
I nodded despite her being unable to look at me, feeling like an absolute bastard for what I had just done. Despite the fact that I knew I should probably go for her sake, I couldn’t bring myself to leave her alone and upset. Seemed like every time I was around her, shit got stirred up and people ended up getting hurt.
Wordlessly trudging from her room, I finished dressing in the bathroom. I couldn’t even look at my own fucking reflection. The amount of self-loathing I felt was crippling.
I was standing in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka hanging from my fingers when Lil shuffled past a short while later with an armload of linen. I did a double take and couldn’t help but scoff under my breath when I saw she dressed herself in flannelette PJs. Message received loud and clear.
Lil stilled from making the couch when I stepped up behind her and softly touched her arm. She froze.
“Lil,” I murmured. “Stand up for a sec and listen.”
She stood as requested but looked everywhere around the room to avoid me.
“I wasn’t leading you on.”
Her eyes snapped to mine, rejection confronting me in her hazel depths so plain to see that I had to look away to gain a moments reprieve.
“I think I understand and you don’t need to explain, Gage. You’re not ready.”
When I didn’t react, Lil ran her hands through her hair and turned back to my makeshift bed.
“I just…”
I gently clasped her elbow and squeezed. “What, Sunshine?”
She looked at me now with unmistakable determination. “I won’t let myself be broken in order for you to heal.”
Anguish slammed into me at full force. Fuck! Seeing her hurting because of me immediately negated all the progress I’d made over the last three years.
“I’ll always be broken, Lil. No matter how much I heal on the outside, I’ll forever be broken on the inside.”
It was true. What wasn’t true was Lil’s assumption that women were my outlet; they weren't. Riding hard and long, and whisky, were the only things that helped numb the gnawing pain that held my heart in a constant state of arrest.
In fact, I had only had sex once in the last three years, and that was during the initial weeks where I swam, unfeeling and disorientated, through a grief so merciless I wished I was dead.
The woman involved was a close friend of mine—of ours—and we had blindly fucked each other in desperation to dull the desolation that we both struggled to come to terms with. It was a mistake. As soon as the lust faded, we knew it instantly. Neither of us had spoken about it since then, and we never would.
Lil laid a warm hand on my forearm, her touch bringing me back to the present and somehow settling some of my inner turmoil.
“Sometimes, we need to be broken so bad to realise just how whole we were to begin with. Then, that memory becomes the very thing we need to focus on and fight hard to restore. But you can’t do that until you want to be at the starting point. Only once rock bottom is reached, and only once you want to try, only then can you begin the arduous journey of clawing your way back towards the light.”
Her words spoke truth that slammed home. She spoke them as though she knew exactly what each of those words meant. She bent to continue making the couch but I stopped her again, this time speaking barely above a whisper.
“Go back to bed, babe. I’ll sort this.”
Lil nodded without a word and left me standing and feeling isolated once again. The stairs creaked every now and then as she ascended them. Only once the house had settled again did I move. I grabbed the bottle of vodka and quietly slipped out the back door.
Leaning against my motorbike, I poured a shot into the bottle lid. Throwing it back then opening my mouth through the burn, I promptly poured another and downed that just as fast. The heat helped dull the discomfort in my chest, but failed to wash away the residual guilt.
Whatever there was between Lil and I, was something greater than the two of us could control, and it scared the shit right out of me. It didn’t seem right. However, after my fuck up inside, I had to face facts; I had to get my shit sorted before I ruined what little friendship I’d forged with Lil thus far.
As if it wasn’t confusing enough, my dick decided to make itself known. In that moment, with three vodkas under my belt, being alone with darkness surrounding me, and sitting pretty on my chopper while my dick filled my jeans, there was only one thing that would help me forget, if only for a little while.
I let the zipper down and reached into my jeans.
NINETEEN
GAGE
WADING THROUGH THE dark undertows of slumber, I fought against the awareness that threatened to drag me to consciousness. I stopped fighting the pull when slaps began to sting my cheek.
Lil was in a right panic when I woke up and was frantically shaking me.
“What, babe, what?” Now I was fucking panicking.
“He’s in jail, Gage. We have to go, now!”
“Lil,” I shushed her and rose to gather her into my arms with the intention of taking her back to her bed; being roused during a sleepwalking episode could be really traumatic.
“For fuck sake, I’m already awake!” she exclaimed and batted my hands away.
I squinted at her face while she glared
back then clicked her fingers, causing me to blink and shake fully awake.
“Okay, tell me what’s happened. And who the hell is in jail?”
Lil started pacing, her agitation obvious. “Mickey! He’s in jail with Trav.”
I almost, almost, fucking laughed. “How do you know that?”
She gave me an exasperated look and gesticulated wildly about her body that was now dressed in clothes instead of PJs.
“What? He told you in your sleep?” I scoffed. That shit was way the hell weird!
I grabbed my jeans and shirt and shoved them on as fast as I could while Lil took deep breaths. Crossing the room, I gathered her into my arms in an attempt to soothe some of her worries away.
“Give me your keys, I’ll drive. Just tell me where to go, okay?”
She looked up with worry creasing her forehead and a silent plea showing in her expression. With a quick nod, we headed outside. The few moments in the fresh night air helped her regain a little composure. While I backed down the driveway, Lil spoke.
“I’m sorry for the horrible wake up call, I was in a state of full-blown panic. I can’t believe they got arrested!”
“It’ll be alright, Lil, I promise. I’m sure it’s just a misunderstanding that got them locked up. Coppers tend to get a bit trigger happy.” A sudden thought hit me. “Won’t your dad find out?”
She pinched the bridge of her nose and hung onto the handle above her head as I took the corners without slowing down.
“I really hope not. If Mum finds out, she’s gonna ream out Trav big time.”
I did let a chuckle through then. It was only a matter of time before it came back to bite Trav on the arse.
When we reached the local police station Lil practically jumped out of the car before I had the chance to park.
Jogging to catch up with her hasty footsteps, I held the door open and followed her inside. I felt bad for the officer at the front desk; Lil gave him a dressing down, demanding that he release her brother this instant before the fury of hell was unleashed.
Managing to calm her down for a second while I spoke to the guy, I organised the release of the two dip-shits that had dragged us from the house at four forty-five in the morning! If it was up to me, I would have left them to stew overnight then strolled in at a more leisurely hour—after midday sometime—to bail out their sorry asses.
We sat and waited until the two shamefaced guys shuffled out of the lock down area.
Lil beat me to the interrogation. “What the hell are you two playing at? And why the heck were you arrested?”
Trav looked guilty as hell and avoided all eye contact. He was the instigator then, and Mickey was a willing accomplice.
“I’m really sorry, Lil, please don’t tell Mrs Mick,” Trav begged, actually begged, with his palms pressed together.
Mickey fought a smile. If he didn’t compose himself and fast, Lil was going to blow her stack.
“Do you want the first reason or the second reason?” Mickey asked.
“You mean there’s more than one?” Lil’s eyebrows met her hairline as her voice pitched.
“We, ahh, got arrested for being drunk and disorderly...” Mickey was stalling big time.
Lil and I gave him matching gestures to hurry the hell up and elaborate on the second reason. Trav decided it was time that he took one for the team.
“And for resisting arrest.”
“Oh, for Christ sake guys, how old are you? What did you do and why were you resisting arrest?” Lil’s voice dropped as she clarified her questions. “And, do not let your answer for resisting arrest be ‘because we were being arrested’, or I swear to God...”
She pinched the bridge of her nose again like it was going to grant her unlimited patience. It was the final straw for me; I couldn’t help but crack out a laugh that I quickly converted into a discrete cough under Lil’s ice queen glare.
Mickey blew out his admission as fast as he could, as if saying it faster would lessen the after burn.
“We thought it would be funny to chuckpiesaroundatthegasstationonthewayhome.”
“You what!” Lil’s voice actually cracked with disbelief. “Please tell me you fools are taking the piss right now? You woke me up, causing me to panic thinking you had been in a horrible fight, and I come down here to find out that you were arrested for chucking pies around a gas station!”
The three of us guys couldn’t take it anymore. Our laughter burst out the floodgates that had held strong right up until Lil’s recap. It was bloody hilarious and such a ridiculous reason to be arrested.
Unfortunately, the lack of sleep began to catch up on Lil and she could not, or would not, even acknowledge that it was more than a little bit funny.
Seething, she shoved her hand into the front pocket of my jeans and extracted her car keys with such ferocity it left me concerned for the safety of my junk. I clapped a protective hand over the area before I lost a nut. Her shoes made an aggressive clapping sound as she headed towards the exit without a backwards glare to see if we were following or not.
We all needed to get our shit together before we reached the car, otherwise, there wasn’t a doubt in my mind that the three of us would be walking home.
Lil sat with the car revving impatiently like it was going to speed up our urge to enter the capsule of tension. Silence reigned for most of the ride back until Mickey finally realised that something was amiss.
“Hey, how come you two arrived together?” He leaned forward from the back seat and flicked a forefinger between us as if it was unclear who he was referring to.
“You aren’t in the position to be asking the questions, so shut the hell up,” Lil snapped, not taking her eyes off the road.
Honestly trying to be helpful, I suggested, “Why don’t you ask her internally?”
“She’s blocking me,” he replied dryly.
Both Trav and I let out an amused snort.
“You guys did it, didn’t you?” Mickey questioned.
Seriously, the guy had a death wish and was jumping on wafer thin ice.
Lil sassed out an unexpected answer. “Yes Mickey, we fucked, on the couch. Twice.”
I bit back my shout of laughter as Trav let his free. Jeez, I was in over my head with this lot. Mickey, however, lost his shit.
“Bullshit! Please tell me she’s bullshitting me, Gage? On the couch? Seriously! I’ll never be able to sit there again.”
“Sorry, mate, I don’t kiss and tell.”
Lil and I shared a knowing, albeit strained, glance as Mickey huffed in the backseat, cursing me all manner of names under the sun.
TWENTY
LIL
DAWN WAS BREAKING as I pulled into my driveway after picking up my moronic brother and our stupid-ass friend.
I strode around the side of the house without a word to look back at the three of them still in the car. I already knew they weren’t coming just yet; Mickey and Gage were taking lame selfies with Trav while he slept. If I wasn’t in such a bitch mood, I would’ve joined in, but running on minimal sleep with a night shift ahead of me, my patience was wearing thin.
I let myself into the house and left the door open. The laughter coming from the car began to increase and Trav’s alarmed voice rang out. Shortly after, car doors slammed and I was graced with the presence of three people who were not in my good books right now.
I was still highly embarrassed about what had—or hadn’t—happened with Gage last night. I could tell he hadn’t been ready, but was unable to resist in the heat of the moment.
Speak of the devil. Gage’s hands landed on my waist in a way that was both intimate and intended to keep distance.
“About last night…” he spoke in a low tone against my ear.
“What the fuck is this!”
Both Gage and I snapped apart and saw Mickey—with the fires of Hell burning in his eyes—holding up my discarded dress and toeing the strewn pens that had clattered to the ground last night.
“M
y dress.”
“Lilianne!”
“Don’t call me that!” I yelled as my anger spiked unexpectedly. I literally saw red after hearing my full name—the one I never let anyone call me—pass his lips.
Mickey at least had the sense to look apologetic, though voiced his disapproval regardless while glowering between me and Gage.
“You weren’t joking, were you?”
I sneered at my shithead brother while distancing myself from Gage. “You’re such a fucking hypocrite, Josh! But I don’t rub it in your stupid face!”
Mickey spluttered as I took flight, taking the stairs two at a time. As I reached the doorway of my room, unhurried footsteps followed my ascent. Mickey’s furious warning from downstairs had a sadistic smirk forming on my lips.
“You’re a fucking dead man, Gage Westbrook. Right after I’ve had some fucking sleep!”
Gage was chuckling under his breath when he entered my room, and stopped short as I rounded on him.
“Thanks for helping me out back there,” I said, not meaning a damn word.
He looked at the floor while running a hand over his beard. His eyes were filled with remorse when he finally flicked them to mine, putting an abrupt end to me checking him out while he wasn’t looking.
“Lil, about last night-”
I held up a hand, totally exasperated about everything that happened during the last six hours.
“It’s fine. Honestly. Probably for the best anyway,” I muttered while trying to quash the lingering sting of rejection. It hurt more than it should have.
The guy had baggage—huge baggage—and I needed to tread cautiously. Hell, even Mace had warned me about it.
Gage reached for me and this time I let him, unable to remain staunch as he ran a finger across my jawline then down my neck. The barest hint of a smile tugged his lips when he saw goose bumps prickle my arms.
“It’s not fine. I should never have started something I couldn’t finish. It was shit of me.”