by VR Baucke
I huffed a laugh. “You’re right. It was shit. But… I know there’s more to the story than you’re telling me. I can feel it.”
My heart actually panged for the guy when he looked at the floor again and cursed.
“Batman?”
He looked up at me from under his brows. “Yeah, Sunshine?”
I extended a hand and cringed internally as a single word slipped from my lips.
“Friends?”
With a smirk, he accepted my peace offering. “Friends.”
“Okay, cool. Now it’s time to hit the road.”
“Did you just kick me out?” he scoffed. “It’s not what a good friend would do.”
“Yes, it is. I’m on nights as of tonight and I need to catch up on sleep.”
Gage’s dark-brown gaze studied me for the barest of moments before he gave a subtle nod.
“I’ll walk myself out. You,” he turned me towards my bed, “in you get. I’ll see you later.”
I didn't bother protesting as I slipped beneath my bed covers and did a little wave when Gage looked back from the doorway.
As the door softly clicked shut behind him, I rubbed the bruised spot on my chest where Batman resided within my heart. It was obvious that he was consumed by something greater than confused feelings for me, and whatever it was, it was something he needed to work through at his own pace.
~
Trav was still passed out on the couch amongst the bedding Gage had used when I rose for the second time that day.
Mickey, however, sat in an armchair, drinking a coffee and scrolling through his phone with a smirk on his face. As soon as I stepped through the doorway, the smirk morphed to a scowl and he chucked his phone down beside him.
“Lil,” he hissed in a whisper, “we need to talk.”
I rolled my eyes and turned, heading back to the kitchen knowing he’d follow me.
Sure enough, the sound of the dining table chair being pulled out then a heavy sigh hit my ears.
“Lil,” Mickey started again, this time his voice was full of resignation.
“Joshy, I know what you’re gonna say, okay, and Gage and I aren’t a ‘thing’.” The pang in my stomach caused me to snap, “We’re friends.”
“He’s working through some serious fucking baggage, Lil. Mace filled me in on the vague details and I just don’t want to see you get hurt again. Last time was fucking horrible and you almost didn’t fucking make it.”
I sniffed hard as the prickle of tears stung the back of my nose. My brother was right. I almost hadn’t made it, and at the time, I didn’t see how I could.
“I know,” I whispered. “But you’ve got to realise, I’m a different person since then. That was six years ago.” I slid onto the dining seat across from him. “I wish I could help him.”
I didn’t add that Gage’s broken state of mind and soul was part of the reason I felt so drawn to him.
“You can’t fix everyone, Lil.”
“I know,” I murmured.
There was a hunger within me that wanted to fix everyone I came across, and I made it my mission to try my very best to do that during each shift I worked at the hospital. It was what I felt compelled to do, and that would never change.
Mickey leaned forward and grabbed my hand. “I understand, Lil, I really do. I wish I could save everyone too, but some days it’s simply impossible.”
I returned his squeeze, my heart feeling heavy with the knowledge that we both have been witness to injury and death more than either of us cared to remember. It came hand in hand with our choice of occupations, though it didn’t make it any easier to deal with, or accept.
“He’s different, Joshy, I can feel it.”
Mickey pegged me with a look that never failed to make me stop and think. “The deepest injuries are the hardest to cure, Lil. Remember that.”
Silence surrounded us as his words sunk in. He was one hundred percent right, and no one could help those who weren’t ready or willing to accept it.
With a final tap on my hand, Mickey rose and murmured about showering. After he had left the room, I texted Kimmie.
L: Shit went down last night. Are you up?
Her reply was almost instant.
K: Let me pee. Then we talk.
Sure enough, I was making my way upstairs when my phone vibrated with her call.
“Morning,” I grumbled.
“Afternoon. Oh my God I am so hungover!” Kimmie exclaimed. I imagined her throwing herself back amongst her bed covers. “What the hell has happened now?”
I pulled out a fresh set of scrubs and switched my phone to speaker.
“It’ll need to be the condensed version because I’ve just started getting ready for work.”
“Hit me,” Kimmie declared while munching on something crunchy.
The next fifteen minutes were spent with me speaking as I dressed and did my hair, elaborating when Kimmie needed more information. By the time I was finished, I needed a stiff drink, and I said as much.
“Okay, okay, firstly, you definitely do not need a drink right now,” Kimmie assured me.
I looked at my reflection in the mirror and nodded in agreement.
“But you know what, Lil? I’ve known you all our lives, and this is me telling you straight up that straightforward and simple aren’t your style. You know, like, boring doesn’t rev your engine or give you something worth fighting for. Likewise, the guy for you will fight for you no matter what it costs them, and when he does, you’ll know. You’ll know so damn hard just how much you mean to him and there will be no doubt in your mind. Yes, you and Gage are messy, but for whatever reason, and even though neither of you can see it, you both need each other. Give him time, I’m positive that if he wants you, he’ll come out swinging sooner or later.”
My pulse raced as she finished her speech; Kimmie was so fucking right. Straightforward and simple were never my style. Her pep-talk re-ignited my determination to, first and foremost, do right by me.
“And that is why I love you, Kimmie. I’m sorry to have dumped this all on you.”
“That’s what friends are for. God knows I’ve relied on you over the years. Love your face.”
“Yours is better,” I countered and grinned when I heard her scoff. “Seriously though, thank you, chick.”
“All good. Now go save the world while I watch Beauty and the Beast.”
I giggled through our goodbye and was still smiling when I made my way back downstairs to where Mickey and Trav were also watching a movie.
I headed for the kitchen to raid the pantry for snacks to see me through my shift.
“Yo, Lil!” Trav cheered right behind my back.
I squealed a little and jumped in the air as I whirled. He was all grinning face and mussed hair.
“Shit, Trav! Back it up a pace will ya. I almost shat myself,” I sassed then resumed my foraging.
I loaded my arms with food and turned to the bench. Trav’s eyes snapped from my ass to my eyes as I narrowed mine.
“Um, are you needing something specific or just wanting to stare at my ass? I’m on my way out the door.”
Trav frowned while his gaze skipped over my scrubs and sneakers.
“What?” I demanded, looking down at myself.
He chuckled. “Nothing, Lil. Scrubs aren’t made to be sexy, are they?”
“Oh, for fuck sake, Travis. Don’t start with me, you’re still in my bad books after last night, so don’t go making it worse for yourself!”
He grinned again, knowing full well that I couldn’t stay mad at him. By tomorrow, my snit would be forgotten.
“I actually wanted to apologise. Last night was fucked up, Lil, and I can’t believe we ended up in the slammer. Thanks so much for coming to bail us.” He threw his arms wide and stepped closer.
I backed up a pace. “Trav,” I warned, crouching slightly and getting ready to run.
He snagged the back of my shirt as I took off. He was the rough one in the crew, and
I wasn’t at all surprised when he boisterously engulfed me with his arms and squeezed the ever-loving shit out of me.
“I should’ve left you there like Gage wanted,” I muffled into his chest.
“But you didn’t, because you love us,” he declared, already weaseling his way back into my good books.
I scoffed. “Yeah, for some reason, I do.”
As abruptly as it began, Trav released me from his hold and enthusiastically smoothed down my hair.
“So, you and the new guy, huh?”
I slugged him on the arm then started shoving food into my bag.
“Dog house, Travie, that’s where you are. The only way to fix it now is with M&M’s,” I called to Trav’s chuckling back as he headed back into the lounge.
TWENTY-ONE
GAGE
“OVERNIGHTER, EH?” MACE’S smug-ass grin greeted me the moment I got in the door.
“Fuck you.”
He raised his hands and backed off before coming at it from a different angle.
“Haven’t received any complaints from Lil Bean this morning…”
I flicked my middle finger over my shoulder as I angrily jabbed buttons on his stupid coffee machine.
“Whoa, go the fuck easy, bro. Don’t take your bleed out on my woman!”
I added another jab just to get my non-existent point across and grinned when I heard his pissy growl behind me.
“Thought you’d be in a better mood today?” he ventured.
The urge to rant climbed through my veins and Mace must have realised he was walking a fine line. I turned to face him while my coffee made itself, and my expression alone must have been enough for him to work out that shit went down.
“Please tell me you didn’t.”
“Didn’t what?” I bit.
“Leave on bad terms.”
Fuck he was annoying me. Taking my time to sip the scalding coffee then run my fingers through my hair, I leaned on the bench and looked him square in the eye.
“I didn’t. I left in the fucking friend zone.”
And it was my own goddamn fault.
I was being held back and didn’t know how to break the cycle.
Mace scoffed a laugh then slapped his palms on the bench. “Is that what they’re calling it these days?”
“Fuck you.” I took another sip. “You really wanna know what happened?”
“Yup.”
“Nothing, that’s what. I had her laid out on her back and, fuck, I was all but in her, then I freaked out. A huge block came over me and when I looked down at Lil, I fucking saw...” Telling him this was killing me. “…I fucking saw Lot, and, and…”
And it fucking killed me and broke my heart further than it already was.
Mace’s hand came down on my shoulder and squeezed hard. “Mate.”
“It’s fucked up, cuz. How is it even possible to not be able to have sex with someone I want to for the first time in three fucking years! As soon as I touch Lil it’s like she lights fireworks under my skin and all rational thought goes out the window. I practically want to fucking eat her!” I yelled, much to my horror when Mace started pissing himself laughing. “You know what I mean, asshole. And I all but did before an overwhelming sense of guilt consumed me. I ended up on the goddamn couch,” I mumbled, so deflated I couldn’t even look at Mace.
“You ever… you know, fucked the grief from your system?”
I winced at his words, remembering that single time with Heidi.
“There was one, a mutual friend, not long after, and it was a colossal mistake for both of us!” I admitted. My anger swiftly followed the memory; it was such a desecration on Lotte.
“And since?”
“Nothin’,” I confessed, the words leaving a bitter aftertaste in my mouth.
“You need to sort your shit out before even contemplating taking things further with Lil. My guess is that she accepted it for what it was, after your talk with her this week?”
I nodded.
“Good. A word of warning though, she won’t tolerate being fucked around. Then you’ll have Mickey raining down on your ass and I’ll be next in line.”
“You think I don’t know that?”
Mace sniggered. His eyes grew wide when I added, “We picked him and Trav up from the slammer last night.”
“Bull-fucking-shit!” Mace boomed then pointed at me while pulling up a stool. “Details, now.”
His enthusiasm got a smile out of me as I relayed the previous night’s events in between sips of coffee and his laughter. I allowed the recap to overshadow the not so great details of last night.
One thing was for sure, I had only been here for a few weeks and I had more fire in my soul than I’d had over the last three years combined. It was an odd feeling to feel half-alive again. There was a small part of myself that loathed to perceive again, but there was a growing part of me that was welcoming it more with each passing day.
~
Lil constantly played on my mind, ensuring that what should have been a restorative sleep, was broken and fitful. I hadn’t long got back from the lunch run when Uncle Dave came limping into the on-site office and threw himself into a chair.
“What the hell are you doing here?” Mace demanded through his mouthful of pie.
“You sound just like your mother. I needed to get out of the house,” Dave grumbled, reaching for the unclaimed brown paper bag in the middle of the table.
Mace snatched it out of his reach then smirked at his father. “You’re getting slow old man.”
There was a flurry of movement as Dave lunged across the table and grabbed the bag from Mace’s hand. Dave and I pissed ourselves laughing while Mace flipped his father off while chewing savagely.
“Did Mum not feed you before letting you lose?”
Dave’s reply was cut off by a sharp wolf-whistle slicing through the air outside. A round of roaring laughter followed a short pause then the office door swung open, revealing a slightly flustered Lil.
“Love! What are you doing to my boys out there?” Dave chuckled.
Lil scoffed and cocked a brow. “Giving them something to look at aside from my ass. More to the point, what are you doing here?” she accused.
Mace chuckled and continued eating, and as Lil gave Dave the once over, I gave her a twice over.
Her legs painted in tight blue jeans stole the moisture from my mouth. My tongue darted out to wet my lips as I studied hers, looking all pink and shiny. My gaze dropped to her chest while she handed my uncle a box. I was doing another skim over her hips and legs when the brown paper bag was thrown across the table and Mace shouted a curse when it landed in his lap.
The movement snapped me from my hungry thoughts, and my eyes locked with Lil’s. A pretty little blush began to snake its way over her cheekbones.
“Both of you shut your mouths,” Mace muttered, now eating the rejected cream bun and getting icing sugar everywhere.
“Er, uh... Hi, Lil.”
Dammit. Now she was stealing my ability to form a decent fucking sentence!
Lil sounded as breathless as I felt. “Hi, Gage, how’s it going?”
“Good,” I snipped and focused on eating my sausage roll.
Dave’s brow furrowed as his eyes ping-ponged between me and Lil. “Am I missing something?”
“Nothing, Uncle.”
“I’ll tell you if you give me one of them donuts,” Mace smirked, wiping his mouth on the back of his hand.
Dave flipped open the box Lil just handed him and pushed it into the middle of the table.
“David Westbrook! Who knew you had such a rubber arm!” Lil exclaimed, sounding a little bewildered. “At least wait until I leave,” she sassed at Mace before turning her attention back to Dave. “As for you, boot off.”
“How come you never bring me donuts?” Mace bitched.
“Because you never bring me M&M’s,” she retorted without looking up from examining Dave’s healing injury.
Mace looked indi
gnant at her accusation. “I do bloody so!”
“Yeah, when I ask for them.”
Mace turned to me. “Hear that, cuz? Don’t bother sending Lil flowers as a random act of romance, pick her up a five-dollar bag of M&M’s and she’s all yours.”
“You’re an asshole,” I snapped.
Dave’s chuckling broke the silence. “You boys still bicker like you did as kids. Some things never change.”
Mace—the fat bastard—ignored his father’s dig and shoved a donut into his mouth.
I used his momentary distraction to visually drink Lil in again, unsatisfied with my last stolen skims over her body. Her concentration face made me stifle a smile; it was cute as hell when her lips pouted ever so slightly. At least this time, watching her as she worked, I wasn’t fighting the urge not to pass out.
“How are you not the size of a house?” Lil asked Mace, her facials thoroughly dismayed at how much crap food he consumed within one meal.
Mace stood and flexed. “I work it all off, baby.”
“Goddammit, I’ve raised a show pony,” Dave muttered while re-booting.
Lil scoffed at Mace then laughed heartily at my uncle’s comment. When she turned to me, the grin slid from her lips where it was replaced with unusual shyness.
“I’ll see you guys later,” she said without breaking my eye contact.
Her gaze briefly dropped as I licked moisture back onto my lips. I managed a nod while Mace and Dave said their goodbyes. Not a word was spoken after she slipped from the office, then my uncle turned to me.
“You’re smitten with that girl, son.”
Mace choked on his drink and coughed violently while Dave studied my reaction; which was to completely ignore them both and curse the entire situation.
TWENTY-TWO
LIL
I SHOULD HAVE melted from the way Gage looked at me when I turned up at their job site on my way to work earlier in the week. The hunger brewing in his dark depths almost flattened me. It was obvious that our awkward intimate situation had done little to dampen his desires; if anything, it had heightened them.