by Taryn Quinn
Never mind that I’d been no better than my no-good AWOL mother—and Sami’s even worse one—by ignoring my baby’s cries in favor of…getting some.
I hadn’t even gotten it. There was a parable somewhere in there, I was sure.
And if that wasn’t enough, the story would probably be shared all over town with everyone’s coffee-and-eggs diner breakfasts before Black Friday shopping trips.
I trusted Christian’s discretion implicitly, but the lookout point was a hotspot in town, and I hadn’t exactly been checking for lookie-loos while I’d had my head buried between Gina’s golden thighs. Once I’d gotten a taste of her sweet pussy, she’d become all I could think about.
Hell, even before that. Long before.
Now all I had was her stolen thongs, her delicious flavor still on my tongue, and a hard dick full of recriminations.
“Your father is a moron,” I told Samantha as I finished cleaning her up with about twenty baby wipes and then used some of the cream I’d gotten to prevent diaper rash. “We’re alone in this house right now because I can’t keep it in my pants.”
At my daughter’s babbling response, I shut my eyes. “You don’t know what’s going on, right? You won’t need therapy because of your daddy and mommy’s porn show in the front seat of the Jeep. Tell me you won’t.”
I swallowed deeply when Sami gave me a kick, either to shut me up or so I’d get a move on and dress her already.
“Tell me I just didn’t call Bee your mommy when that isn’t reality. When it probably never will be, since your daddy is dumb as fuck.”
She didn’t dispute my assessment. She just stuck her fist in her mouth and gnawed away because her clueless father hadn’t given her a new bottle yet.
I braced my hands on the edge of the vintage changing table I’d found at Kinleigh’s Attic. Well, Kinleigh and August’s Attic now. They’d started out as friends, and now they were parents with an adorable baby girl.
August had dealt with his share of angst over the whole situation, but now they were on the other side. A happy family. Just like John and Macy’s family was happy with Dani and their new son, Michael. Blended families could work.
Families, period, could function well. Just because my own had been such a disaster didn’t mean it was impossible. And my dad had done a damn good job solo with Mason and I. It was just the mother part of the equation that had caused problems.
Recurring theme.
Sami let out a burble, and I lifted my gaze to her, smiling as she gazed up at me so trustingly. “I don’t want you to grow up without a mom like I did, baby girl. You deserve so much more than I had. You deserve Bee. But maybe I don’t deserve her. She’s so much smarter than I am, and she’s used to having a family. I’m used to being alone. I thought I liked it, but I don’t. I don’t want an empty house anymore.”
I rubbed Samantha’s porcelain cheek, pleased when she tried to grab my finger. I moved closer and she tried again, succeeding this time. Like the Grinch, my heart swelled three times bigger.
“We’ll have to watch that together, Sami. You’ll love it. The old cartoon one, I mean. None of this new stuff with Jim Carrey. The first one is a classic. I wasn’t quite as bad as the Grinch. I didn’t hate Christmas. I just didn’t love it.”
I hadn’t known how.
Even that was changing. Everything was. Especially me.
“I told Bee I couldn’t go to the tree lighting because of work. It’s true. I’m working. But I scheduled that shift after she asked. All those families together, all that sweetness makes my teeth ache. I was smug and superior and didn’t need any of that. Now she’s going to go with someone else.”
I fought to get a Pampers out of the box one-handed because I liked the feel of that little finger clutching mine too much. The diaper got stuck and the box fell over with a crash, sending Sadie flying back into the room as the baby started to cry.
“Aww, sweetie, you’re okay. Daddy’s just having a bad day.” I picked her up and jiggled her on my hip, wondering if it was safe to dance her around the room with Sadie dogging our heels when the kid had a bare bottom.
I was suddenly very glad she wasn’t male.
She was still crying, looking absolutely pitiful. What the hell? No one else was here but Sadie, and she couldn’t complain about my singing.
I ran through my arsenal of remembered songs quickly as I carted her downstairs to make up a bottle. I started with “99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall”, which led to “London Bridge” and “Hotel California”. That one I definitely flubbed the lyrics in the second half, but the baby seemed oddly fascinated by my voice. It was raspy and deep and not at all melodic.
Luckily, she couldn’t throw tomatoes.
Sadie kept trying to jump up to check on her while I moved around the kitchen. She settled once I leaned down to show her the baby was fine, and Samantha let out one of her heart-melting hiccupy giggles when Sadie delicately licked her chin.
I kept singing as I got the bottle ready, landing on “Another Brick in the Wall” this time. Gina had taught me not to microwave the formula since the liquid didn’t heat evenly. I warmed up the bottle under the running water and then headed back upstairs to hurriedly put a diaper on her—she was still pee-free, thankfully—and dress her in one of her selection of fuzzy fleece winter onesies, this one decorated with fat white owls. I lifted her up and she giggled, especially when I tucked her and her bottle in the second swing I’d bought for upstairs.
Slowly but surely, the guest room I’d used as an office was turning into a nursery. The blue and brown walls didn’t work for a baby though, so I’d have to head down to the hardware store and pick out some paint. Maybe a soft yellow and spring green? I didn’t want to go with the usual so-called girl colors. She should have a rainbow to choose from.
Hmm. Rainbow walls would be cool. I wasn’t exactly sure how to paint that since my artistic talent was nil, but I supposed I could check out YouTube for ideas on that too.
I turned on the mobile and Sadie trotted over to check on Sami, nosing at her blanket as if to ensure she was properly tucked in. Sami fumbled for Sadie as she always did, and the dog laid her head on the edge of the swing as the colors in the mobile flashed and music played merrily.
I grinned as I dug out my phone from my pocket. I should show Gina—
No. You should let her be. You made your decision tonight.
But I still took the photo anyway and sent it to my dad. He usually went to bed pretty early, but I figured he could look at it when he got up.
He didn’t know what to make of being a grandfather. That was my fault entirely with my clumsy reveal. In time though, he’d grow into the role. I had faith.
I turned on the baby monitor I’d picked up a few days ago and went to my room to fiddle with the receiver. The buzz of the phone in my pocket startled me, and I answered on the second ring.
“Dad? What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. You texted me, didn’t you? That baby is pretty is a picture.”
I sat on my bed. Hearing the warmth in his voice was a relief. I just didn’t want anyone else to close themselves off to her like her biological mother had done. Even knowing I’d made it harder on my dad to accept this situation didn’t lessen my worry for Samantha.
“She is. She’s smart too. She watches everything.”
“Sounds like her dad. What’s going on with you and Gina?”
“Nothing.” I shut my eyes. “Because of me.”
“Since when? Sure looked like something at dinner.”
“I’m the sheriff. It’s my number one responsibility—” I paused. “God, it’s not anymore, is it? Samantha is. The town is second.”
Wrong. The town comes after Gina, and you know it. That’s why you shoved her away.
“As it should be. That little girl needs you.” He released a breath. “I know it’s not my place to ask.”
“Go ahead. Ask anything.”
“You have good judgment, son. You
always have. Why would you pick someone like that? A woman who would abandon her own child.”
I’d been waiting for this very question. “We both did,” I said softly.
I didn’t want to wound him. That was the last thing I wanted. But somehow I’d repeated a pattern, even without intending for the experience to be anything other than fleeting.
“Your mother wasn’t like that when we met. She changed, Jared. I know you’ll never believe it, but I knew her, inside and out, and she changed. The woman I fell in love with could’ve never left her babies.”
I didn’t argue. How could I? If he hadn’t changed his mind in this many years, he wasn’t going to. And I wasn’t exactly an expert on love or anything else.
Tonight had proved that. Not that I was in love with Gina.
I didn’t know how to be.
“Samantha’s mother was a lost weekend. That’s all. I was running away from dealing with…other things and aimed at her instead. It was just fun and meaningless.”
“Not meaningless,” he said lightly.
“No. Not at all.” I laid down on the bed and stared up at the ceiling. Earlier, I’d imagined this evening would end very differently. “What kind of flowers say ‘I’m sorry but I don’t deserve you so you should probably try again with someone else, even if it kills me’?”
“Hmm. You’ve stumped me.”
I frowned. “You know every single flower. There has to be one.”
He thought for a moment. “White orchids. They’re probably perfect for Gina.”
“You think so?”
“Best guess. What happened? You seemed quite cozy at dinner.”
“I just keep fucking…fudging up,” I amended over my dad’s low laughter.
He never corrected me, but I just couldn’t swear around my dad. He was this gentle soul, and I was coarse and stubborn and rough around the edges.
And Gina appreciates you just the way you are.
“We’ve been close for so long, and nothing ever changed. Some part of me liked the constancy of that, even if there were things I wanted to happen.”
“I can just imagine what.”
“Not only that,” I said quickly, heat singeing the back of my neck. “And for the record, it still hasn’t. We can’t quite get there. Maybe it’s for the best.”
“Or maybe you both keep putting up roadblocks so you don’t risk more than you’re prepared to lose.”
“Look, I don’t want advice.”
“No one ever really wants it. Advice means doing the work. Fighting for what you want. But those who love you will try to help anyway. What I saw tonight was a family.”
“Well, of course, the Ramos family is tight.”
“Not only them. I meant you and Gina and that baby.”
I reached out and fisted the plaid comforter. This room got drafty, so I appreciated the fireplace in the corner on cold nights. I wanted Gina to be here. Even a few hours of silence from her felt unbearable.
“I want that. But just because she’s the best thing for me, maybe I’m not the best thing for her. I can’t seem to juggle my job and her and the baby.”
“You’ve been trying for, what, a week and a half? No one learns that fast. But I never pegged you for a quitter.”
“Sometimes quitting is the better thing for someone.”
He surprised me with a gruff chuckle. “Boy, you can’t stand back and see the way that girl looks at you. It’s a mixture of X-rated thoughts and affection and just plain admiration. Could be you just need to say yes for a while. Just yes. Don’t make everything so hard. Loosen up.”
My eyebrow lifted. “My old man is telling me to loosen up?”
“I know, I know, sheriffs are usually hard-living partiers, but someone forgot to clue you in.”
“The last time I ‘partied’ I ended up with a kid I never expected.”
“And I’ll bet she’s the best thing that ever happened to you. If not yet, she will be. Mark my words. You have it in you to be a darn good father. Not acknowledging that about yourself doesn’t make it any less true.”
“I’m trying,” I said quietly, glancing toward the baby monitor when Sami made a soft snuffling sound. Sadie hadn’t joined me in the bedroom, so I was sure she was keeping watch. “Failing more than succeeding so far, but I’m trying.”
“My money’s on you. I’m looking forward to learning to be a PawPaw.”
The nickname made me laugh—and breathe another sigh of gratitude. “Where did you get that from?”
“Ed down the street has a granddaughter. Sweetest little thing. She calls him PawPaw. I think I may steal it. Sounds more dignified than Gramps.”
I laughed again. “I’m just glad you want to be there for her. She needs us, Dad. Every one of us. I’m not enough—”
“You stop that right now. You think I didn’t have the same fears when your mother left? And I had two. I went from just being a dad after dinner to being everything for you both. Hell, maybe that’s why she left. I’ll never know. But I do know you boys saved me. I would’ve gone under without you, that’s the God’s truth.”
My eyes burned as I sat up and pushed a hand through my hair. “I just don’t want her to ever feel less. I want to make up for everything her mother took away.”
“You will. You already are. You and Gina.”
I shut my eyes. The idea of raising Sami without her by my side was incomprehensible. How could we go back to being just friends after this?
If she even still wanted to be my friend after tonight’s colossal mess.
Maybe my dad was right. All I needed was some practice.
I had to try. If I couldn’t get it right with her, so be it, but I had to see if I could figure out how we could still be best friends and so much more.
Partners in every sense of the word.
“Can you send over some of those white orchids to her tomorrow? Like, I don’t know, three dozen?”
My father barked out a laugh. “Doesn’t work that way with orchids, but let me handle it. What would you like on the card?”
I rose as the baby started fussing in the other room. Time for daddy duty again.
It wasn’t as awkward as it had been just a few days ago. I was learning.
“‘I’m sorry, Bee.’ Just that. Thank you.”
“You’re welcome. Now when can I see that sweetheart of yours? We have a lot of time to make up for.”
I shifted from foot to foot. “Well, turns out I’m probably going to need a sitter Saturday night.”
“Oh, yeah? Think I can shuffle my schedule. At the station that night?”
“No. I’m going to get someone to cover for me.” I sent up a fervent, silent prayer that I was making the right decision. “I guess I’m going to a tree lighting.”
“Gee, don’t sound so excited.”
“I’m loosening up. Once I figure out how.” I smiled. “Thanks, Dad. I really appreciate it.”
“And I really appreciate you giving me a grandchild before I’m too old to run after her. Make sure the next one comes along in due time.”
I made a fist and glanced down at my hand. A few weeks ago, a statement like that would’ve made me shut down immediately. Now it just set off a steady warm glow inside my chest.
Some part of me had always known Gina was it for me. Nothing was as overwhelming when she was by my side.
I needed to be that for her too. She deserved nothing less than my best. Not an inconsistent, over-possessive jerk who didn’t come clean with her because I was scared.
Dammit, I was a fucking sheriff. I wasn’t going to be frightened of the balancing act it would take to have a family and my job. I definitely wasn’t going to be scared off by a few words.
The most important ones of my life.
“Let’s see what happens,” I said instead of an instant denial.
I could see that future he described off in the distance. Gina loved babies. That was obvious. So…maybe.
A lot of maybes.
But at least they weren’t flat-out nos.
After I hung up with my dad, I went to check on Sami. She was dozing with her half empty bottle lolling on her belly. Bojangles the bear was tucked against her hip. Sadie was lying on the floor, her head resting on her crossed paws. At her side was a well-chewed duck I’d thrown into my online order the other day. The duck hadn’t been chewed when it arrived, nor had it been intended for Sadie.
The sight of both my sleeping girls made me smile nonetheless.
I was only missing one of them now. And she wouldn’t be sleeping if I was writing the future. Not for like a solid twelve hours or so. Eventually, I’d need regenerating time.
Probably.
I went off to grab a beer. I’d need one for this phone call.
First, I texted August. He did not willingly give up his younger brother’s phone number, until I reminded him as sheriff I had access to any number I needed. That wasn’t strictly true but the fib worked—after I promised I didn’t want the number for nefarious purposes.
But hey, all was fair in love and war.
It was pretty late, but I took a chance Caleb was still up. He didn’t disappoint me and answered on the second ring.
“Sheriff? Should I hire a bodyguard?”
I probably shouldn’t have laughed. It wasn’t funny. Except it was.
Don’t make everything so hard.
“No. I know you asked her out. I also know why.”
“Because I have a desire to end up missing a limb before I die a painful death?”
I laughed again. I was a jovial guy tonight. A minor miracle, really, considering where I’d left things with Gina.
But I was going to fix it. All of it.
“No. You asked her out because she’s a beautiful, smart, fierce woman. Because any man would be lucky to have her on their arm.”
“Uh, right. Is this where you ask to meet me outside of town to chat?”
“Are you offering?”
“No. I like being alive. I’d rather not end up on Unsolved Mysteries. Did you know they filmed new episodes of that show? Pretty good. Minus the aliens. I don’t so much go in for that stuff.”
“The truth is out there,” I said somberly.
“Let me guess. You want me to cancel the date. How’d you find out about it? I didn’t tell a soul. My family might think I’m annoying, but they don’t want to find my body parts strewn on the highway.”