by J. O Mantel
“You’re not going to die,” Hunter raised his voice.
“Everyone dies, Hunter, it’s a fact of life. You can’t tell me you’ve never thought about it?”
“Well yeah, of course I have, but—”
“You know, people talk about heaven like it’s this magical place full of happiness and where you go to reunite with family and loved ones. But how does anyone know that when no one’s ever been there and come back to tell people about it? I wonder if someone who’s died and been brought back to life ever tells anyone what heaven is like.”
Bree broke into tears and stared out the open window, while Hunter tried to control his own emotions and keep his eyes on the road.
“I’m just so scared that I’m never going to see you and Lili again, and it breaks my heart knowing that I won’t be around to watch our daughter grow up.”
“Babe, you—”
“What? I need to what? I need to stop thinking about this? Stop talking like I’m already dead? No matter how many times we try and reassure ourselves that everything’s going to be okay, we don’t really know. We don’t know anything and that’s what makes this all so damn hard… the not knowing part.”
Hunter grabbed Bree’s hand and brought it to his lips, kissing her fingers.
“I don’t know what I’m supposed to say or do to make you feel better,” he said, holding back the tears threatening his eyes.
Hunter turned off at the exit for their cottage and pulled over. He walked around to the passenger door and grabbed Bree’s hand, helping her out of the car. They walked over to a nearby bench and sat down.
“I’m … I’m trying to understand why you’re talking about all of this now. My mom has already agreed that she’ll take care of Lili whenever you and I need to attend appointments. This isn’t the end, Bree, you’re a fighter, and we’re going to beat this. You hear about it all the time, people beating the odds, and we’re going to be some of those people.”
“It’s okay to be scared, Hunter. I’m scared, too,” Bree whispered.
“You’re not giving up, Bree, that’s not what I taught you. You, me, and Lili, we have our entire lives ahead of us.”
Bree’s lips began to tremble, she grabbed Hunter’s hand and tried to squeeze it as tight as she could. “I had another scan this morning.”
“What? What scan?”
“I didn’t want to tell you about it because you were working, and I didn’t want you to worry, so I got my mom to drive me to the clinic.”
Hunter’s eyes widened as Bree took his other hand and continued. “The chemotherapy has had no effect on my cancer.”
“Okay… so, like I said, we go and see another doctor. I told you, we’ll get you the best possible—”
“No. The growth … it’s accelerated, Hunter. I’m weak, fragile, and I’m going blind. I’m forgetting things, and sometimes even speaking is difficult.”
“Why … why didn’t you say something to me?” Hunter pleaded.
“Because I didn’t want to believe that this was it, that this was the end, even though I knew it was. We’d only just started building our life together, and I refused to accept that I wasn’t going to be around to see us live it out.”
Hunter’s lips trembled, and Bree’s eyes began to tear up. “But it is, it’s the end, and there’s nothing anyone can do to help me.” A teardrop trickled down her cheek.
Hunter pulled himself away, standing up and desperately trying not to fall apart.
“What else did the doctors tell you?” he asked.
Her eyes locked with his, and neither of them blinked.
“They said that … I’ve got days … a week tops,” her voice was cracking.
For Hunter, that was it. He was unable to control the agonizing pain in his chest as he let every single emotion surface. He let out a loud, deafening cry and fell to his knees.
“We don’t have a lot of time,” Bree continued. “If there was another way to fix this, I would, you know that.”
Hunter quickly got to his feet and grabbed Bree’s arm. “I’m taking you to the hospital. I’m not going to stand here and do nothing, and just watch you die.”
“No, I don’t want to go to a hospital, Hunter. If I’ve only got a few short days left, do you honestly think I want to spend them in a hospital surrounded by doctors and nurses, and IV tubes?” she sobbed.
“Goddammit!” Hunter cried, tears streaming down his grief-stricken face.
The two of them slowly headed back to the car, Hunter got in the driver’s seat, slamming the door shut, as Bree took the passenger seat next to him. Hunter’s deafening cries filled the car, and Bree’s lips trembled as she stared out the window, unable to look at the gut-wrenching sight of her husband as he cried long and hard. He tried to catch his breath and calm himself down, but every time he turned to look at his wife, he lost it.
“I’m sorry, I’m … I’m so sorry. I’m trying to be strong here, I really am,” he sobbed uncontrollably.
“It’s okay, don’t be sorry. You have nothing to be sorry about. It’s okay to grieve. Let’s just get to the cottage, just take me there, please?” Bree told him.
Struggling for breath and trying to comprehend everything Bree had told him, Hunter tried to bring himself to start the car and move.
“You can do this. Just please … please take me there, to our happy place,” Bree whispered.
Somehow, Hunter finally managed to start the car and get them moving again.
It was just over an hour later when they finally arrived at the familiar cottage, the one where they’d spent every Valentine’s Day since being together except for their wedding day and when she gave birth to Lili. Bree stepped out of the car and started walking hastily toward the cottage, when Hunter sped up behind her.
“Bree, slow down,” he ordered.
“No, I’m fine, I just want to get inside by the fire.”
“Please, just stop for a second, there’s no need to rush, you need to rest.”
“Hunter, I’m fine, really … it’s only a few more steps, I can manage,” she pleaded with him.
“Bree, just stop … please,” Hunter said a little louder, grabbing her arm and spinning her around to face him.
Panting, she looked at him and shifted a strand of hair out of his face. “Hunter …”
“Don’t… don’t you dare do this, not now,” Hunter told her.
“I have to.”
“No … no, you don’t. Bree, you promised me… us, you promised us that you wouldn’t give up.”
“I know what I promised.”
She sighed, trying to catch her breath again as her vision became blurry once more.
They finally reached the front door, and as Hunter placed the key into the lock, he felt Bree fall from under him. He quickly scooped her into his arms, breaking her fall, as he pushed open the door to the cottage. He carried Bree across the living room and over toward the fireplace. He laid her down gently on the couch and covered her with one of the blankets that was resting on an armchair.
Hunter looked around. “There’s no wood.”
“What?” Bree whispered.
“There’s no wood for the fire,” Hunter said, kneeling down in front of her.
“There should be some out the back, you cut some last time we were here,” she told him.
“No, I’m not leaving you.”
“Hunter, it’s only a few feet away. I’m fine.”
“Bree, I—”
“Hunter ….” Her voice trailed off and she let out a painful cough. “Please,” she told him again.
“Okay,” he whispered, kissing her temple.
He got to his feet and dashed to the back door, returning only a few seconds later carrying a pile of logs for the fire.
“I’m thirsty,” Bree whispered.
“I’ll get you some water,” Hunter told her, as he headed to the kitchen and poured her some water.
<
br /> Bree’s mind was spinning and her vision was blurry. Blinking her eyes, she sat up slowly, trying to adjust to the surroundings, but as she sat there, she knew something wasn’t right, and it wasn’t until she heard Hunter’s voice telling her that he had her water, that she opened her eyes … well, at least she thought they were open.
“Hunter?” she called.
“I’m right here, baby,” he told her, reaching out his hand so she could grab the glass.
“I can’t see,” she told him.
“What?” Hunter asked.
“I’m… I’m blind, Hunter, I can’t see you.”
He placed the glass down on the coffee table beside them and sat down on the couch, pulling Bree onto his lap.
“Do you want me to call the doctor?” he asked.
“No… no, I just want to sit here with you. Did you manage to get the fire started?”
“No, are you cold?”
“A little,” she whispered.
Hunter gently removed himself from under Bree and slowly laid her back down. He walked over to the fireplace and scrunched up some sheets of newspaper and threw them into the fireplace together with some twigs that he’d found with the logs. Grabbing some matches from the kitchen, he knelt down beside the fireplace and ignited the newspaper. It took several minutes for the twigs to catch, but once they were crackling, Hunter placed one of the logs onto the fire.
“There. I’ll run to the bedroom and grab a pillow and some more blankets. It’ll take some time to get this room warm,” he said, standing.
He returned a few minutes later with a pillow and a bedspread. He carefully raised Bree’s head and gently placed the pillow underneath. He unfolded one of the blankets and sat down on the couch beside her. He pulled her into him and rested the pillow on his thighs, making sure she was comfortable. Hunter placed the blanket over her, as he stared at the fireplace.
“It sounds … beautiful and peaceful in here,” she whispered. “I just wish I could see it, and see your face again, one last time.”
Hunter’s lips trembled and tears fell from his eyes. “You can see me… just remember the last time you did see me, and make it a permanent imprint in your mind.”
Bree forced a weak smile, and as Hunter brushed her hair, he felt the sweat on the palm of his hand.
“Hey, you need to be there for my parents, your mom, and especially our little girl, because she’s going to need you. I’m going to miss so much of her life, but I know you’re going to be there. You’ll be there when she needs to buy her first prom dress, when she graduates high school, and then college. You’ll be there when she brings home her first boyfriend, making sure he’s good enough for our little girl, and you’ll be there, to hold her hand while you walk her down the aisle.”
“This isn’t the end, Bree, not by a long shot,” Hunter told her.
“I want you to promise me something, Hunter.”
“Anything,” he assured her.
“You have to promise me that you’ll love again.”
“Oh, god, no, I—”
“You have to. I don’t want my death to leave you lonely. I don’t want to be the last person you’ll ever love, that’s not what I want for you. When this is all over and you’ve finished grieving, you have to promise me that you’ll love again. Okay?”
Hunter leaned down and pressed a kiss to her lips as tears poured down each of their cheeks.
It was too much for Hunter. He couldn’t bring himself to pull away from the woman he loved, the woman who was now slipping away from him … forever. “It’s our wedding anniversary. Can you … can you please play our song?” she whispered.
Hunter pulled his phone from his pocket and scrolled through the playlist until he reached the song they’d played on their wedding day, and every year for their wedding anniversary… “Tonight, I Celebrate My Love for You” by Peabo Bryson and Roberta Flack. He pressed play and rested the phone on her.
“We shouldn’t have come here. We should be at home, close to your family, close to a hospital.”
“Yes, we should, this is exactly where we should be, we’re together, and ….” She paused and struggled to find her words. “And I don’t want Lili seeing me like this.”
Bree shifted on the couch, and Hunter pulled the cover over her shoulders.
“You’re cold,” he said, maneuvering himself so he could put some more wood on the fire.
“No, don’t move … please. It’s so cozy with you here.”
“This can’t be happening. Every day I save lives for a living and I … I can’t even save the one person that means more to me than anyone else in the world.”
“You’ve always taken care of me, Hunter, and saving lives… is what you were born to do.”
“That’s it, I’m taking us home, we can’t be here.”
“No!” she whispered loudly. “Hunter, you’ve saved me many times. You saved me that day you pulled me out of the rubble, you saved me every single time we lost a child, and you saved me the day you married me and became my husband. All I want you to do is stay here, and just hold me… hold me, Hunter.”
Tears continued to stream down Hunter’s face, and as he cradled his wife, he felt her body go cold.
“Just watch over our baby, Hunter. Watch over her every single day. I’m okay with dying, really, I am. When it’s my time to leave, I know I’ll be ready. You gave me so much more time than I thought I had. There’s a good chance I would have died under all that rubble, if you hadn’t heard me calling. But I’m so grateful you gave me the opportunity to love and live this life with you and Lili. You gave me a gift when I had our daughter. She’ll always be there as a reminder of what we shared and how much effort we made to have her. I know one day the three of us will be together, in heaven.”
“Bree, please,” Hunter pleaded.
“No, it’s okay, I’m okay… let’s just… let’s just enjoy tonight, and this weekend.” Her voice was so faint, Hunter had to press his ear against her lips to hear her.
“I love you, Hunter,” Bree whispered.
“And I love you, too.”
“I … love …”
Hunter felt Bree’s head drop, and as he turned her head around to face him, he noticed her eyes were closed.
“Bree? Bree?” he called, shaking her.
Bree was unresponsive, and as Hunter let out an agonized cry and cradled her in his arms, he knew she’d left this world.
ANDY SAT THERE, stiff as a board, with tears streaming down both cheeks as the realization of the pain and trauma Hunter had gone through sank in. Andy looked at Hunter and saw his face was strained and his own tears streaming down his blotchy cheeks, and it was a heartbreaking sight. Andy leaned forward and threw open arms around Hunter and pulled him in for a tight hug.
“I’m so sorry,” Andy whispered. “I had no idea you went through all that on your own, that would’ve been heartbreaking for you.”
Hunter’s eyes scanned around the room as he held onto Andy, unable to move or even say anything. It wasn’t until Andy pulled away that Hunter finally found the words to form a sentence.
“It was,” he sobbed, wiping his tears on his sleeve. “Saying goodbye, was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do,” his voice was detached and barely recognizable, even to Andy.
“I can’t believe you watched it all happen, right before your eyes. It’s no wonder you’re still grieving after all these years,” Andy said.
Without another word, Hunter stood up and walked over to the door, he pushed it open and walked into Lili’s bedroom, where she was now fast asleep on her bed, surrounded by her toys and pillows. Hunter pulled a blanket over her before turning and heading back to the living room to join Andy.
“She’s fast asleep,” Hunter confirmed before Andy could inquire.
Hunter sat down beside Andy, settling into the cushion and resting his head back, not saying a thing more. What he’d witnessed would ha
ve been a gut-wrenching experience for anyone, but to have it happen to your own wife, your soul mate, and the mother of your child, that was something Andy was sure would have torn Hunter’s entire world apart. Without a thought, Andy brushed a hand against Hunter’s cheek and whispered, “Thank you for telling me. I know it couldn’t have been easy for you.”
Hunter didn’t pull away. In fact, he placed a hand on Andy’s thigh and simply smiled, not saying a word. Andy placed a free hand on top of Hunter’s and squeezed it gently. Hunter’s lips quivered, and Andy was waiting for the moment when he would break down and totally lose his shit, but nothing happened. Although Andy wasn’t there when Bree had died, hearing it now from Hunter, and the way he’d described it, physically hurt Andy.
“Thank you for trusting me,” Andy told him.
“I haven’t been able to trust anyone since Bree passed away. I’ve been too afraid to open up and allow my emotions to take over. It feels as if a whole burden has been lifted from my shoulders.”
Tears trickled down his cheek, and he felt weak in the pit of his stomach as he stood and walked to the bathroom. Closing the door behind him, Hunter stared at his reflection in the mirror. His cheeks were splotchy and his eyes were bloodshot from all the crying he’d been doing. He thought things had started to get better, but whenever he was around Andy, he couldn’t stop himself from having a breakdown. He turned on the faucet and splashed some cool water over his face. He ran his damp fingers through his hair and tried to style it as best he could. When he was somewhat satisfied with his efforts, he headed back out to the living room where Andy was still sitting, patiently waiting for him.
“I’m sorry, I—”
“You don’t ever need to apologize to me, got it? Whatever you’re feeling, whatever you want to say to me, I’m always here for you, just as you are for me.”
Hunter gave Andy a comforting smile, and as he sighed away his tears, he heard Lili call out to him.
“Ah, let me,” Andy said, standing from the couch.
“You don’t need to do that.”
“No, please, I want to,” Andy told Hunter.