Ruin Me

by Jessica Sorensen

  "Ouch, that one hurt." I mock being offended.

  "All right, I was lying. It's actually hazel."

  "Go figure. My eyes are hazel."

  "Really?" Her jaw falls open, and she pretends to be shocked. "I've never noticed."

  "Ouch again." I press my hand to my chest, pretending to be deeply wounded.

  She laughs, throwing her head back, and it's one of the most beautiful sights I've ever seen.

  "Favorite trip?" she asks after her laughter silences.

  "This one."

  "This can't be your--"

  I cut her off. "This is the only one I've been on besides when I drove out here. And I was covered with bruises and had a broken arm then, so the trip pretty much sucked."

  She swallows hard. "Why did you have bruises and a broken arm?"

  I shrug indifferently. I didn't mean to say it aloud and ruin our fun. Damn speed game. I don't have time to think before I speak. "I got into a fight with one of my stepfather's."

  She stammers, "I-I'm sorry... I never knew things were that bad for you."

  "It's not a big deal. The past is the past." I lopsidedly smile. "And now I get to be on the same trip with you, so everything turned out okay in my opinion. Well, as okay as the situation can be."

  The air grows heavy, yet there's a charge to it, a buzz that comes before lightning.

  "Everything's going to be okay." Clara places a hand on my knee, her fingers trembling the slightest bit.

  "I hope so," I reply thickly. "I'm not positive that it's going to be, though. But at least I'll know what happened to her and won't have to spend my nights creating crazy what if scenarios."

  "If this does end... badly, just know I'll be here for you," she continues, giving my knee a gentle squeeze. "I may suck at a lot of stuff, but I'm a pro when it comes to coping with the hard stuff."

  I search her eyes, noting they're starting to water up. "Like with your dad?"

  "And other stuff..." She withdraws her hand and faces forward again. "Look, there's a lot of stuff you don't know about me that hardly anyone knows about me."

  "I already knew that."

  "How?"

  "I can just tell sometimes." When she frowns, I add, "Don't worry. I'm not going to ask you what your secrets are. Just know that I'm here for you if you ever feel like you need to tell someone and get some stuff off your chest."

  She bobs her head up and down, staring out the window. "Thank you. You're a good friend."

  There's that word again, the anti-Christ of my life. Friend.

  I'm just crossing my fingers that, by the end of the trip, things might change. That maybe, just maybe, Clara will finally open up to me, and we can move forward in our relationship.

  Chapter Six

  Clara

  At around four o'clock in the morning, we stop in a town in Indiana and get a motel room. I took over driving around three o'clock, so I'm sporting my glasses. On top of that, my hair is in a messy bun, my clothes are wrinkled, and the stench of junk food oozes from my pores. Jax is seeing me at my worst right now. Thankfully, he's already seen me like this quite a few times so it doesn't bother me.

  "I so need a shower," I announce as we walk into the motel room.

  Jax peeks inside a doorway to our right. "Well, you're in luck. There's a shower-bathtub combo in there that looks semi-decent. That is, if you don't mind dark rings around the tub."

  I make a gagging noise. "I think I'll keep my flip-flops on the entire time."

  We had to go cheap since Jax doesn't have a ton of money. I offered to chip in even though I can't afford to, and was relieved when he gave me an are-you-kidding-me look.

  The room has the basics: a queen bed, a nightstand, and a television. The air is musty and dirt stains the carpet, but it works for me.

  "I feel like this is an adventure." I drop my bag onto the floor, fling the curtain open, and peer out at the view of the freeway. "Slumming it in cheap motels, cruising on road trips. All that's left to do is hit up a rave, and I'll be able to check off all the things I missed out on when I was graduating."

  He chuckles as he tosses his duffel bag onto the bed. "Is that what you think kids do when they graduate?"

  Shrugging, I turn toward him. "Don't they?"

  He unzips his bag. "Not really." When I frown disappointedly, he adds, "We can pretend, though."

  "Sounds good to me. Guess we'll have to find a rave to hit up," I say, my voice dripping with sarcasm.

  "I'll put it on the list," he replies, equally as sarcastic.

  "Can't wait." I crouch down in front of my bag and grab a pair of boxer shorts and a tank top along with my toiletry bag. "Shower time for me."

  "Want some company?"

  I give him a blank stare. "Really?"

  He retaliates with an aren't-I-so-innocent look. "What? I had to try."

  I shake my head and let strands of my hair fall forward to obscure my smile. I can feel Jax's eyes following me as I cross the room and slip into the bathroom. I lock the door, hoping it will help my bubbling nerves of having to share a bed with him.

  I give myself a pep talk while looking at my reflection in the mirror. "This is ridiculous, Clara, you're a grown woman. You can sleep with a guy and be just fine."

  The terrified expression on my face does nothing to help my anxiety. Jax has been making me smile left and right during this trip, so much so my mouth actually aches. Nelli's Little Sunshine Girl is surfacing in full form. The problem is that I'm eventually going to have to return home from this trip, back to my life, back to reality.

  After I get out of the shower, I pull on a pair of boxer shorts and a white tank top, then decide to send Nelli a text to check up on things. It's after six o' clock in the morning back home. The two of them are early risers so they should be up.

  Me: Everything going okay?

  It takes her a second to respond.

  Nelli: Everything's fine. I even took her to the park and she enjoyed herself.

  Me: Really? She usually hates leaving the house.

  Nelli: I know. That's why I did it in baby steps. Took her in the car to get some ice cream first. Then we sat in the car at the park while we ate it. After a while, I convinced her to get out of the car and sit on the benches.

  Go Nelli. I've tried countless times to get my mother to do more things, but to no avail. Maybe I suck at taking care of her more than I thought.

  Nelli: I know what you're thinking and stop it. You're doing fine. I just have the magic touch. Now, enough about us. How are you? And why are you texting me so early?

  Me: We just pulled over to get some sleep.

  Nelli: At a hotel?

  Me: Yeah, in Indiana somewhere.

  Nelli: You're being careful, right?"

  Me: Yep. Jax is a good driver and I always wear my seatbelt.

  Nelli: I meant with the sex.

  Oh, my God.

  Me: With the sex? What does that even mean?

  Nelli: It means you better be having him wrap it up.

  Me: Ew, don't ever say that again.

  Nelli: I have to. Someone has to look after you.

  I start to tear up, thinking about when my mother was that someone. How when I was seventeen and decided I was going to lose my virginity, she took me to the doctor to get on the pill.

  "I want you to be safe," she had said. "Make sure you're taken care of."

  Now the roles are switched, and I'm the one taking her to the doctor for checkups and MRIs. I feel alone most days. Yes, I have Nelli, but that's about it.

  I wipe away a few tears that manage to escape then text Nelli back.

  Me: I'm being careful, okay. I have to go. Text or call if you need anything. Day or night.

  Nelli: I will, just as long as you promise to have fun.

  Me: Promise.

  Nelli: Hugs and kisses, my Little Sunshine Girl.

  My eyes bubble with more tears when she uses the nickname she used to call me back before life took over.


  Me: Hugs and kisses Nelli Smelli.

  Nelli: Nice one :)

  I set the phone down on the sink, comb my damp hair, and put on some deodorant before leaving the bathroom. When I walk out, Jax is lying in bed on his back with his arm draped over his head and his eyes closed.

  Maybe I've lucked out, and he's already fallen asleep.

  I tiptoe over to the bed, kick off my flip-flops, then slip underneath the covers. I fluff the pillow, click off the lamp, and shut my eyes. Sleep feels impossible, though. I'm too wired. My pulse is soaring and the smell of Jax is sending my senses into a mad frenzy.

  The sun is rising and soft trail light flows through the window and across Jax's naked chest. I have the most powerful urge to reach out and trace my fingers across his smooth flesh.

  I wonder how far I'd have to go down before the feel of his skin would disappear... if he has pants on or not...

  I consider peeking under the covers and wonder how big of a perv that makes me.

  "Your heavy breathing's starting to creep me out."

  Jax's voice startles me and I let out an absurd squeal. Slapping my hand over my mouth, I feel like an idiot.

  Jax's eyelids lift open and his forehead creases. "Why the hell did you scream? Are you okay?"

  I lower my hand from my mouth. "Yeah, you just scared me. I thought you were asleep."

  "Were you watching me sleep?"

  "No... and besides, you technically weren't asleep, just faking."

  "You were watching me sleep." He smirks. "I'm not sure whether I should be creeped out or flattered."

  I narrow my eyes. "I'd go with the first one, since I was really contemplating your murder."

  "Yeah, right. I can tell you weren't."

  "How?"

  His gaze drops to my chest. "Because your nipples are perky as hell."

  I glance down at my chest. Sure enough, without a bra on, the thin fabric of my tank top gives a clear view of how turned on I am.

  He props up on his elbow with a cocky grin on his face. "We can pretend it's Friday if you need to."

  I fight back a smile. "No thank you, Mr. Cocky."

  His arrogance only increases. "If you don't like my cockiness, then you should probably lay off with the staring. Seriously Clara, you're stroking the crap out of my ego."

  I roll my tongue in my mouth to keep from smiling and start to turn over onto my side. "We're not having sex tonight or on this trip, period."

  His fingers enfold around my arms and he lures me toward him. "Who said anything about having sex. We do other things on Friday nights besides have sex."

  I glance over at him. "Like what? Get ice cream?"

  His eyes blaze with lust. "Don't you remember the first time we hooked up? How you got on your knees and took me in your mouth? That was kind of what started the whole thing to begin with."

  "I was drunk when we did that," I lie as my cheeks flame. "I'm not usually like that."

  "You were buzzed," he calls out my bullshit.

  "You encouraged me," I retort, even though I was the one who instigated this whole thing between us. Who gave in to the attraction, who couldn't keep her hands to herself. Who was way too curious about what her friend would be like in bed. "You kept playing with my hair and saying all that stuff about my ass looking hot as hell."

  "It does look hot as hell." He ravels a strand of my hair around his finger. "But you're lying. You know you started it. But that's okay. I wanted you just as much."

  My entire body quivers from the sound of his raspy voice. "So you want me to give you head right now? You think that'll help me sleep better?" Sarcasm drips from my voice.

  His eyes darken. "Nope. That's not what I'm suggesting at all."

  "Good, because it seems like that'd only help you sleep."

  A smile forms on his lips as he unravels my hair from his finger, shifts his weight toward me, and slides his body over mine. Then he nudges my legs apart, positions himself between them, and props an arm on each side of my head.

  "Are you mad at me for doing this?" he asks, gazing down at me.

  "That all depends on what this is." I sound breathless. My heart is thrashing in my chest and my mind is racing.

  This is too intimate.

  This isn't what you want.

  He wouldn't even be doing this if he knew the whole truth about your life.

  Think about the last time you were this close with someone. How Mack left and broke your heart.

  "I'm not sure yet... I'm trying to figure out how much you trust me." He intently assesses my expression and my pulse accelerates.

  You need to stop him.

  Stop this before he kisses you, and you can't stop.

  "I trust you a lot. Always have, but I don't think we should..." I trail off as he softly tastes my lips.

  My body instantly curls into his warmth as my lips part and he slips his tongue into my mouth. My fingers delve into his flexed arms as I hold onto him, slowly biting his bottom lip, trying to give myself enough time to find the will to stop this. But then he groans and all my inhibitions melt.

  I glide my hands down his arms, and then my fingers find their way to his taut stomach. His muscles flex as I feel his flesh, just like I thought about doing moments before. My hand travels downward to the top of his boxers and slips a hand under the waistband, but he reaches down and seizes my wrist, stopping me.

  "No way," he breathes against my mouth.

  "You're seriously stopping me?" I ask, astounded.

  He nods his head up and down, breathing heavily. "I... have a plan." He pushes back, putting space between our mouths.

  I jut out my lip, even though him ending the moment is probably a good thing. Doesn't help my horny body though.

  "Relax," he says with reservation, like he's unsure of himself.

  I open my mouth to ask him what he's doing, when his head suddenly moves downward. I may be inexperienced, but I'm not an idiot.

  "Jax, we can't do that..." I trail off as he slides the bottom of my shirt up and places a delicate kiss on my tummy. His tongue quickly follows and he licks a path down to the waistband of my shorts. "Oh... my... God..." My muscles unwind as my hips arch upward and my eyes roll back in my head. "That feels... amazing..."

  He lets out a soft, somewhat arrogant chuckle. Usually, I'd snap at him for being a cocky asshole, but he kisses me right below my belly button, and I can't form a single coherent thought. Even when he draws my shorts and panties down, I barely mutter an incoherent protest. He's never seen me this naked before. And I have a reason for being mostly dressed every time we fool around. But right now, I don't give a shit.

  "You want me to stop?" Jax breathes raggedly as he spreads my legs open.

  Unable to speak, I shake my head from side to side.

  Moments later, I feel the warm caress of his lips between the center of my legs. Heat instantly bursts through my body and coils deep inside me. My muscles ravel with the first swipe of his tongue. I grip onto the blanket, desperate to hold onto something. I feel like I'm leaning over a cliff, about to fall into a place I've never been before. I'm terrified yet excited. Eager yet reluctant.

  "Clara," Jax groans my name then drags his tongue down my center, "relax."

  A gasp falters from my lips and I free the blanket from my hold and pull at the strands of his hair. All reservations suddenly melt, and the slow, calculated movements turn to untamed desire.

  He licks and tugs and kisses as I writhe my hips against him. My body pulsates with need and my lungs struggle for oxygen as I drift farther away. My skin dampens and my mind empties. One last lick from his tongue pushes me over the edge. I cry out Jax's name as I desperately tug at his hair, coming undone completely.

  When I return to reality, Jax is kneeling between my legs and staring down at me. Strands of his brown hair are sticking up, probably from me pulling so hard.

  "You okay?" His voice carries hesitancy.

  I bob my head up and down. "Yeah, I'm fine." My voic
e sounds gravelly. "I've never done that before. It was... interesting."

  The corners of his lips quirk. "Just interesting?"

  I'm too tired to shrug. "And good."

  "Interesting and good?" He presses his hand to his chest, appearing a little hurt. "Wow, I must have sucked."

  Laughter escapes me, and even though it takes a lot of energy, I prop up on my elbows. "That's not what I meant."

  "Then what did you mean?"

  "That it was really, really fantastic. The best I've ever had."

  "But you just said you'd never done that before."

  "So? It was still fantastic."

  "Good." He grins then leans down to kiss me.