by Lily White
I turned around and leaned up against the shed wall, my body knocked forward with every thump, my hands fisting and stretching out again as I fought to stay in control.
A tear slipped from my eye, and I slapped it away, my legs giving out so that I slid down the wall, and the knocking of that table against the wood was a hammer against the back of my head.
I was there with her, through all of it, my eyes closed as I imagined me as the man behind her and all the wonderful things I would be saying instead. Ensley, you’re beautiful. You’re mine. You’re safe. I love you.
My teeth ground until the enamel was cracking while I thought about what she had felt like on my lap, what her body was like in my hands, how hard my heart had been ripped from my chest when she’d said those horrible things to me.
And I lost my mind to all of it.
Standing up, I slammed a fist against the shed, grinning when the thumping stopped. I wanted to fight my way in, bring the entire thing down around us, but I knew that was only a fantasy in my head.
There was no way to get in there from where I stood, so I charged around the side of her house, marched up the steps of her porch and banged my hand on her front door so hard the windows around it rattled.
I was going to get to her, to rip her away from that shed, to drag her to my room where she belonged.
Her mother answered the door wearing her usual white robe, smoking her usual cigarette. Behind her, another man stood, and I glared over Tammy’s shoulder at him, my hand balling into a fist.
Tammy glanced back at the man and said, “I’ll handle this, Richard. This moment has been a long time coming.”
She planted a palm against my chest to shove me back, and I flinched away from her, my eyes narrowed down at the bitch while she stepped out to close the door.
“I assume you’re here because you learned Ensley has a boyfriend.”
Her cheeks sunk in as she took a drag off her cigarette, blew the smoke out and fanned it with her hand.
Blue eyes tipped up to me and she tilted her head like I was a child throwing a tantrum.
“Oh, Noah,” she reached up to touch her palm to my cheek, but I stumbled back, my palm flattening against my legs before fisting my jeans to keep from punching her.
Shrugging a shoulder, she took another deep drag of her cigarette, blew it out and smiled while staring out over the yard.
“Sweet boy. I’ve watched you crush on my daughter since the day you helped her bury that stupid cat. You grew up beside her. Chased after her every time she left the house. You let her sleep next to you all these years with the hope she’d fall in love.”
She shook her head, laughed softly before turning those eyes to me.
“Did you really think she would pick you in the end? My daughter? A girl so pretty she can have anybody she wants. And you actually thought she’d go for the poor boy next door who pined over her all his life? That’s cute.”
“Who the fuck is he?” I growled.
“A boy who can take care of her.”
Tammy looked out to their driveway and my eyes followed to see a car that was worth more than my house gleaming beneath a streetlamp. She spoke again while I stared at the car, driving her point home.
“Women don’t want love their entire lives, Noah. Not smart ones. Oh, they may want it at first, for their first time, but then they wise up. What can you offer her? A room in your mother’s house? Is there anything you have that she might want?”
Turning, I glared at her, my heart breaking while a thousand doubts whispered in my head.
Not Ensley.
She wasn’t like that.
Not her.
“She’ll be seventeen soon, Noah. Old enough to run off and get married if she wants. And what will you do if that happens? Continue pining for her, hoping she’ll come back? Sweetheart, the truth is that you’ll be off to college soon, and she’ll need someone who can feed her and clothe her and care for her. That won’t be you. Not for another ten years at most. But she needs someone now. And she’s found him. Don’t ruin this for her.”
No. What she was saying was all wrong. I knew that. Knew Ensley, but still those doubts kept coming, the whispers growing into screams. She wasn’t fighting that guy off. She wasn’t crying. She wasn’t telling him no.
Was she?
Is this what she meant by saying she needed money?
Tammy took a step back, dropped her cigarette on the porch and stubbed it out with the toe of her slipper.
“My only advice to you is that you run home and wait for Ensley like you always have. She’ll show up, and she’ll lie and tell you it took longer for the kids to fall asleep. She’s told you that before, hasn’t she?”
I wouldn’t answer her, flat out refused.
Only because she was right.
Ensley’s arrival had been late several times since school let out for break. She’d lied to me every time.
Nodding her head as if she could read my thoughts, Tammy smiled like she felt sorry for me.
“Enjoy her while you still can. But a day will come when you lose her. It doesn’t matter how many flowers you plant and how many nights she sleeps by your side. You will lose her. Just be sure to keep that in mind so you’re not surprised when it happens. I’d hate to see you broken hearted.”
Pausing, she stared out at the road, a smile splitting her lips.
“If I were you, Noah, I would turn around and go home and pretend you never met Ensley. I would nail your window shut, and stop letting her in. You need to protect yourself when it comes to her because she will never love you like you love her. She’s using you, and it’s about time you learn that.”
With that, Tammy turned to walk in the house, the door closing with a quiet click. I was left standing on their porch wondering when fate had reached out to slap me across the face. It felt like someone had reached in my chest and gripped their fingers over my heart to tear it out.
Walking from the porch, I rounded the end of one chain link fence to cross the grass strip between the houses. My foot sunk down into a puddle from the hose still running, a small lake forming over the ground, and when I walked up to my house to turn off the spigot, I ripped the hose from the wall and threw it down.
My shoe sloshed as I climbed the steps of my porch, a sound grabbing my attention to spin me around.
A man left Ensley’s house in a hurry, the keys to his fancy ass car glistening in his hand.
When I turned to look at the bedroom window in back, I saw Ensley climb out to rush to my house and climb in my window. She never noticed where I was standing.
She didn’t see that I finally knew the truth of what she was doing.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
Ensley
January 6, 1997
I didn’t know how much longer I could do this. Fucking people for money. Pretending everything was normal for the kids. Lying to Noah. Drinking and doing drugs because it was the only thing left that helped me escape from the life I was living.
Everything was spiraling out of control. And nothing was real to me anymore. Not home, not school, not the one friendship I had in the world that kept me rooted to this world.
I think the worst part was the betrayal of my body.
At first, I couldn’t stand when anybody touched me. I just kneeled or lay there, allowing them to do what they wanted while I drifted off somewhere safe.
It was like when I was a kid and my dad would come home only for the fighting to begin, I would run off in my head to the safety of those woods. I would sit on that rock and stare at the stream. I would lose myself to the chorus of nature erupting around me because that high-pitch drone of the cicadas singing was a balm that soothed my soul.
It was the lullabies my mother never sang. The birthday songs I never heard. Those cicadas were singing to me because they loved me more than my family would, and for that reason I could feel safe.
But then a switch flipped.
Not with Kyle, Emmett or
James. Not with any of the boys at school who laughed and thought treating me like garbage was funny. But over the holiday break when I had no choice but to pay my way with others, there was a time or two when my body responded, and that had been the worst feeling of all.
Even my body was abusing me by learning to like what they did. It left my mind and heart all alone, left me spinning without any control, sent me running to Noah’s house to puke in his bathroom before curling up next to him.
How fucked up is that?
How was it fair?
I wanted to shed my skin after the first time it happened, wanted to tear into myself and strip the muscles away. I wanted to shred every organ and crush every bone. I wanted to erase Ensley Bennett and pretend she’d never existed.
I wanted to die right there, and maybe I did, because I didn’t feel the same anymore.
It didn’t feel like I was breathing.
Hell, even Noah didn’t recognize me anymore. Not like he used to.
The easy nights of us bullshitting with each other and the comfort of our silence had passed. Every time I crawled in his window, he would still be waiting for me, still be leaning up against his headboard with books piled around him, his dark hair a mess around his face. I would check the alarm and then turn to look at him, my breath rushing from my lungs because he was too beautiful for words.
My gaze would crawl up his body like I wanted to. Would explore the ridges of his abdomen, the strength of his chest, those broad shoulders that seemed to keep getting bigger with every year that passed. And while my heart beat so hard it felt like I would die right there, my gaze traveled higher to meet his.
Except, instead of blue eyes that were bright with happiness and laughter, I would find a hard, dark stare pinning me where I stood. Only pain and the questions he knew he couldn’t ask.
I was destroying him.
Destroying myself.
But only because I knew it was the only way to protect him. Noah had one year of high school left, and if he kept going the way he was then he would get a scholarship to college. He would become something just like I always knew he could, and he would leave me behind because I was never meant for greatness.
Today was the first day of school after the holiday break, and I couldn’t be happier about it. Not because I would have some time away from the kids and not because I was excited to see Kyle and the other guys, but because I knew I wouldn’t enjoy what they did.
I would hate it.
That’s what I needed in the end. To hate it. To hate myself. To return to the game I could use to punish myself.
I was late, as usual. Nothing new there, and I didn’t bother heading to Ms. Goldmire’s class since I was failing it anyway.
Weaving the halls through the school, I went straight for the back bathrooms because I knew they would be waiting for me to arrive.
It was a pattern now, a habit, our arrangement so set in stone that meeting them had become my first period class more than US history ever would.
I slammed a palm against the door and shoved it open to find all three of them smoking pot, their eyes turning to me as I walked in, smirks stretching their faces.
“We thought you weren’t coming.”
I shot a look at Kyle where he sat on the sink counter. “I haven’t failed to show up yet, have I?”
Scanning their faces, I stepped back.
“Why are you all here at the same time?”
I’d been used by each of them, separately, though, like a fucked up rotation they’d agreed to without asking me how I felt about it.
Kyle turned on the water and dropped the tiny bit that was left of his joint in the water, watched it drain down the sink before looking up at me again.
“We thought we’d try something new. There’s three hundred dollars in it for you.”
My eyes rounded at the amount. It was enough to cover the full week. I would only have to do this once.
“What do you want to do?”
“What we tried to do the first time we were all in this bathroom together,” Emmett piped up, his eyes raking down my body and back to my face.
Hesitant, I wrapped my fingers over the strap of my bag, stared at my shoe, then looked back to them. What harm would it do, really? It would just get everything over with. I could take four days to myself without worrying about money.
“What do you say, Ens?”
Blinking slowly in response to Kyle’s question, I swallowed and nodded my head.
“Yeah. Fine. But not here. Not in the bathroom.”
Kyle grinned. “Let’s go to our usual place.”
Nodding, I followed the three of them out of the school, past the gym and bleachers, farther until we were walking past the line of trees heading into a thick patch of woods off campus.
My foot stumbled over a few roots because I wasn’t looking where I was going. My mouth was too dry, my stomach twisting into knots, but I kept telling myself this would work. It would be over, and I could move on with my life, at least for the rest of the week.
Emmett came up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist, his hands snaking up my shirt to squeeze my breasts while Kyle and James circled around to stare back at us.
Tripping me from behind, Emmett knocked me off my feet, going down with me so that my back leaned against his chest. With Kyle and James watching, he peeled off my shirt and shoved the cups down on my bra, his hot sweaty hands coming up to squeeze and massage them.
“Who’s first?” Kyle asked, but James had already dropped his bag to unbutton his pants and walk over.
Kyle laughed. “Guess that answers that.”
I hated how they were staring at me, but I closed my eyes and pretended I was somewhere else. In the woods near my house, near that stream, on a boulder flicking pebbles at Noah while he told me to run to him.
I could hear the cicadas sing.
My pants were being pulled down my legs, the movement rushed, my body being jerked forward while Emmett wrapped his arms under mine and then folded them up to hold my shoulders. I was trapped, but it had to be okay because I would lose my mind if it weren’t.
My panties were stripped off next, and I felt James pull my body up over his knees, felt his fingers grip my thighs as he poked at me trying to position himself just right, and when he shoved forward to thrust into me, I heard another voice behind us, a roar that scattered a few birds from the trees before I heard the first punch.
Opening my eyes, I turned as James backed away from me and Emmett let go, rolling right just in time to see Noah shove Kyle up against a tree. Blood already seeped from Kyle’s nose, but his mouth twisted into a sneer.
“Fuck you, man. She came out willingly.”
And I did. He wasn’t lying.
This couldn’t happen. Noah would get in trouble.
Shoving up to my feet, I ran over to grab his arms and pull him away, but Kyle took the opportunity to punch Noah in the face. I was knocked back as the two charged at each other, my mouth opening on a scream.
“Stop it!”
They broke apart, and Noah turned to look at me, his eyes narrowing on my naked skin. I tried to pull my bra back in place, but that didn’t cover much, so I just stood there and stared at him.
“I wanted this.”
He shook his head, knew I was lying. “No, you didn’t.”
I had no choice but to protect him. Even if I had to hurt him in the process.
Taking a breath, I willed myself to break the heart of the only person I loved.
“Yeah, I did. I’m not your girlfriend anymore, Noah. Never really was. I’ve been fucking these guys since that first time in the bathroom because fucking you was so boring.”
Kyle laughed, and I wanted to slap him across the face. But instead, I turned to walk up to him, grabbed his hand and placed it on my breast while I kissed him with open mouths and obvious tongue, and when I broke away to glare back at Noah, he stood there, deflated.
His shoulders hunched
forward and his eyes darkened, the bright light I’d always loved in him gone.
“I wanted this,” I lied, praying he would take the hint and leave.
He had a future and I didn’t.
This fight would only ruin that.
“Get the hell out of here, Noah. You weren’t invited.”
The other three guys laughed and I forced myself to laugh right along with them to drive the message home, to make Noah turn around and go back to the school before he lost the chance to become something.
When he didn’t take a step to leave, I hurt him even more.
“Unless you want to stay and watch. You might learn something about making me come.”
A muscle jumped in his jaw, and his hands curled into fists. I blinked rapidly, trying like hell to keep the tears that burned my eyes from falling.
I’d make it up to him tonight. I couldn’t explain what this was, but I could make it up to him.
Somehow.
When he finally turned to walk away, I had to bite my tongue to keep from screaming for him to come back, to grab my hand, to take me with him.
It’s all I wanted, but I kept quiet.
Because I would bury this secret like I buried the rest of them.
Noah, I love you. But you were always too good for me.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
Noah
January 6, 1997
This must be what it feels like to give up.
The numbness, the muted sounds and muted colors.
Like a waistband stretched out until the rubber pops, only to be left sagging in place when it’s over.
I was sagging. Every part of me. But I still managed to walk to my next class and sit down. I didn’t hear a word the teacher said, didn’t give much of a shit about the gossip being whispered around me, didn’t want to be part of this group of idiot kids for much longer.
It felt like I was eighty years old even though I was only seventeen. But that’s what a girl like Ensley does to you in the end. She chews you up and spits you out, aging you because every day feels like a year, every one worse than the other.
Balling my hand into a fist, I let the images pour through my head.