In the Garden of Discontent

by Lily White

  Smiling, I thought this could be interesting. If nothing could leave this room, then I was finally free to unload everything.

  “What would you like to know?”

  “Well, for starters,” he said, his hand reaching up to wrap the back of his neck, “why are your grades falling?”

  Sitting back in my desk, I crossed one leg over the other.

  “Oh, that’s easy. I’m exhausted.”

  “From?”

  “Fucking too much.”

  His head snapped up. “I’m sorry. I think I misheard that.”

  Biting my cheek, I kept from laughing.

  “I said I’m fucking too much. I have to pay the rent.”

  Peter’s cheeks were blazing red. It was cute on him. He went to grab his pencil to scribble a note, but he fumbled it, the wood hitting the desk and rolling off. Pulling at his collar, he flashed me a strained smile and bent over to pick up the pencil.

  After clearing his throat, he asked, “Why are you, um, doing that for money?”

  “Fucking?”

  The poor guy looked like he was about to have a stroke. I almost felt sorry for him. But he’d asked, so I answered.

  “Yes, that.”

  “Because I’ve been doing it since I was sixteen. My mom showed me the chains.”

  His brows pulled together. “You mean ropes. The figure of speech you used. She showed you the ropes.”

  I shook my head. “No. I meant what I said.”

  A small squeak escaped him, and I almost lost it right then. Therapy was turning out to be fun.

  Peter scribbled a few notes and then looked up at me.

  “So, your mom taught you to earn money this way?”

  “Yep. I have to support her kids.”

  “And how old are they?”

  “Eleven, ten and nine. My brother is the oldest.”

  Another tug at his collar. “And are you the only one who has to earn money through that method, or-“

  “Just me.”

  The pencil was shaking in his fingers. “And do you enjoy what you’re doing?” His voice softened, concern a sharp edge on his question. “Are you being forced?”

  At one time, that answer was yes. But I wasn’t sure anymore. I did it to earn money, but I wasn’t being chained. I could have left and told my mother to fuck off, but I hadn’t. Yeah, it was for the kids. I kept telling myself that, but was it?

  “I choose to do this.”

  He nodded, swallowed, looked like he would faint.

  “I probably should have mentioned this at the beginning of our session, but I’ll need to do a home visit for the study. Will that be a problem?”

  I grinned and couldn’t believe what he was saying. There I was, pouring out my heart, and all he wanted to do was get in on the action. Glancing up at the clock, I saw there was enough time to make the task easier for him.

  Pushing up to my feet, I walked to his desk and rounded the side to stand next to him.

  “You don’t have to come out to my house to get what you’re thinking about. I’m standing right here.”

  What was I doing? For a moment, that question screamed in my head, but this was who I’d become. I was in a place where sex meant nothing except for the entertainment and money it could bring.

  Maybe Noah was right in what he said. Maybe I was spinning out of control.

  Glancing up at me, Peter’s eyes drifted to my chest again, held there like he was speaking to my tits and not to me.

  “I need to do a home visit for the study. I do one with every student. I wasn’t implying I wanted to take part in anything.”

  “Oh, okay. Sorry if I misinterpreted. I thought you were interested in me.”

  When I spun to walk back to my desk, he cleared his throat and called my name. “Ensley?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Show me.”

  I spun back. “Show you what?”

  When his eyes drifted again, I knew exactly what he meant. I shouldn’t do it. I knew that. But something was wrong with me. That ugliness making me say and do things that were somebody else. Like I was floating just outside my body, watching someone I didn’t know pull the strings.

  Only wearing a cami shirt with a built in bra, there wasn’t much more to do than pull the straps down my arms. But that would be too easy. I wanted this awkward man to do the work, to feel his hands shake with nerves while he undressed me.

  The thought shouldn’t have given me some sick satisfaction, but it did. Maybe because I was so used to everybody just taking it without caring what it did to me. Maybe I wanted the power for once.

  I walked back to his desk and sat on the surface facing him.

  “Show yourself. I’m right here.”

  Eyes flicking a glance at the door and pulse so strong I could see it beat in his throat, Peter returned his gaze to me as a bead of sweat dripped down his temple.

  He stood up from his seat and stepped closer, his hands shaking just like I knew they would. It gave me a false sense of power, and I tipped my eyes up to stare at his face.

  “We could get in trouble for this.”

  I shrugged a shoulder. “I can get in trouble for a lot of things, but I still do them.”

  He reached for me, his fingers toying with the straps of my shirt, hesitant, unsure. But then he must have moved past whatever doubts he had because he pulled those straps down just low enough for my nipples to be exposed. If someone were to walk in from behind us, it wouldn’t be too noticeable.

  The pad of his thumb rolled over my nipple, toying it with indecision. “You wouldn’t be able to say anything about this.”

  I repeated his words back to him. “Nothing will leave this room.”

  He lifted the shirt back in place and grabbed my shoulders to spin me around. One hand splayed on my back, he pushed me over the desk.

  “Spread your legs.”

  Doing as he said, I stared at his notes about me as he brushed a hand up my inner thigh, the tips of his fingers grazing my panties.

  Peter made a choked sound, shoved his hand up higher and pulled the material aside, his fingers exploring the skin, slipping up until his middle finger was almost inside me.

  His hand shook.

  “I can’t do this.”

  He pulled away from me so fast, he almost fell over his chair.

  “We’ll get caught.”

  Laughing, I shook my head and fixed my clothes back in place.

  “Okay, well, if you ever change your mind, bring a condom and some money. I require protection.”

  Moving away from the desk, I grabbed my bag and was heading out when he called my name again. I spun around and looked at him.

  “I’ll see you at the same time tomorrow.”

  Yes, he would. And I knew he’d have some cash on him. Just like they all did.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE

  Noah

  December 10, 1997

  I was losing my fucking mind.

  Keeping up with classwork and the grueling basketball schedule for school was hard enough. The need to impress recruiters was stressful enough. But adding Ensley’s behavior into the mix made my senior year feel impossible. I didn’t know what was going on inside that fucked up head of hers.

  She was a ghost of herself, her body the same as it had always been, but her spirit was broken, her mind overtaken by the darkness inside her that I’d watched wriggle and writhe for years in a desperate bid to take over.

  Perhaps it had been my schedule that allowed it to finally devour her. It wasn’t that I was unavailable or inattentive, just that I wasn’t there every step of the way to drag her back from the edge.

  Ensley had tipped over. She’d stumbled. And she was drowning without the hope of someone pulling her from the depths of that cold, black water.

  She wouldn’t let me help her.

  And that meant I was drowning too.

  “Hey.”

  My head lifted to watch Ensley walk into my bedroom. Eyes snapping to the cl
ock, I realized it was only five. Far too early for her to arrive. Lately, she didn’t get to my room until I was already sleeping. I’d wake up to find her body curled against mine, her limbs shaking and expression haunted from dreams.

  That, or the drugs.

  Word around school was Ensley had become the life of every party. Not in a good way, of course. In a way that set my teeth together, the enamel grinding.

  “Why are you here?”

  She looked pained, misinterpreting my question.

  “I can go if you don’t want me here.”

  Turning to leave, she’d achieved one step before I jumped from the bed to grab her.

  “That’s not what I meant.”

  Her hair brushed across my cheek as she glanced back at me.

  “It wouldn’t be surprising.”

  Ens wasn’t wrong. We were drifting apart like two untethered boats lost in the waves of a turbulent ocean. Above us, storm clouds swirled in chaotic winds. Below us sharks circled, their jaws snapping with the hope the boats would sink down beneath the water.

  If she sank, I sank with her. I never stopped reminding her of that.

  “It’s early. You surprised me. That’s all.”

  Snorting at the explanation, Ens pulled from my grip and faced me.

  “My psychologist is at my house for his home visit. I thought I should leave before my mother offered me up as some cheap form of entertainment. You should see her, Noah-“

  “The perfect mother again?”

  A weak smile. “She put on clothes.”

  I wrapped an arm around Ens and held her in a hug. Tammy Bennett with actual clothes? Would wonders never cease? The bitch couldn’t be bothered to strip out of that white robe most of the time, her siren call to any man who wanted a piece.

  Imagining Ensley wearing a robe and stalking around her house later in life drove my pulse into a painful pounding. I wouldn’t let her end up like that. No matter what I had to do to stop it.

  “I need to feel something,” she whispered against my chest, her hand traveling up my back, fingertips exploring my spine.

  It was always like this with her. With others, Ensley escaped into everything she could get her hands on. But with me, it was a timid request, a manipulation. It angered me more than I wanted to admit.

  There I was. Right there in front of her. And she treated me like all the rest, a temporary reprieve so she could feel something. The only difference was that she didn’t charge me for it. She only fought me. She replaced my face with theirs so she could fight in a safe place where she knew she would always win.

  I hugged her tighter.

  “Do you feel this? It’s me loving you, Ens. Like I always have. Isn’t that enough?”

  Ensley attempted to shove away from me, the effort weak at best. When I wouldn’t let go, she let out a quiet scream, a complaint that I wasn’t giving her what she wanted.

  Except I knew she didn’t want it. She might think she needed it, and sometimes she did, but she didn’t want me to be the same as all the other assholes.

  “Ens...”

  Her head shook against my chest, and I could feel her tears slip down my skin. It was always too hot in my house for more than a pair of shorts or thin sweatpants, but at that moment I wished I would have kept on a T-shirt to keep her fingernails from scraping down my back.

  Ensley’s pain was alive inside me and it responded to her. I could feel the rattle, hear the roar, her pain was a depth so deep that I felt suspended in nothing while smothered by everything at the same time. Only she could do this to me. Leave me mired in doubt, helpless to anger, wallowing in the muck of what her life had been.

  Grabbing her chin, I stepped back to tilt her face up to mine.

  “You don’t need this.”

  Her cheeks were wet, her eyes stained red.

  “I don’t think I can keep going much longer. I want to-“

  My fingers gripped her face harder, hard enough that the thought always screaming in her head was silenced.

  “If you go...”

  “I know, Noah. That’s what you keep saying. But I don’t think you’re listening anymore.”

  She had no idea.

  I’d been listening to her since the day she came stomping up through our yards carrying that cat on a shovel. I listened when her mom yelled at her. Listened when her parents argued and she fled the house to run into the woods. I listened when she was late to school all the time and had nothing to eat. I listened when she cried. When she was abused. When she needed someone - anyone - to love her. I hadn’t stopped listening, not once. But she still insisted she was alone.

  There were messages out there that I needed to hear. The ones buried. The cries for help scattered throughout a garden I tended every day. I just wanted to scream at her to open her eyes for once, to see that there was beauty here despite the heartache, but she couldn’t see me even when I was in the same room.

  Beauty was lost on Ensley even when she traipsed through it on her way to my window every night. It was lost on her even when she kneeled among those flowers burying the secrets she refused to tell me.

  They wouldn’t be her secrets much longer. If I had to break a promise in order to save her, I was willing to risk the consequences.

  “Please...”

  My eyes narrowed in response to that whispered word.

  “Ens...”

  Her grey eyes tilted up to mine, storm clouds rolling behind them. Hands dragging down my back, she brushed exhausted fingers over my hip, her thumb catching the waistband of my pants to pull it down.

  I caught her hand, my gaze a warning and a plea.

  “You don’t have to be like this.”

  She could break me so easily. I used to think Ens didn’t understand the power she had over me, used to believe she wasn’t aware of how crushing her hold was on my heart.

  But in moments like this, I wasn’t sure.

  I was her home. I knew that. I was the safe space she could run to when she needed to hide from the world. Yet, I couldn’t shake the feeling I was being used, not because she wanted to hurt me, but because I’d become just one more drug she had to numb her body and tame her frantic thoughts.

  When she slid her hand in my pants, I pulled away from her and shoved her back.

  “No.”

  The storm clouds rolled, and lightning cracked, anger chasing away the sorrow from only seconds before.

  “Why not? Am I disgusting now? Are you tired of me because of what I’ve become? Just admit it. I’m disgusting!”

  Was she fucking kidding me? Ensley might be able to pull this crap with people who didn’t know her, but it wasn’t happening with me.

  “What the fuck are you talking about? You’re pissed because I don’t want to use you like the rest of them? Do you hear yourself right now?”

  Something had snapped inside her, some critical piece inside Ensley’s mind that she couldn’t function without. I didn’t blame her for that fracture. I blamed her abusive mother, her negligent father, those kids that kept Ensley tied to that house. It wasn’t their fault. They just existed, but still they were part of the cage that kept Ensley trapped. I hated them all so fiercely sometimes that I wondered when I would snap as well.

  Her eyes were as sharp as blades, slicing me with violent slashes.

  “Yeah, I hear myself, Noah. I hear myself begging a friend for help, and that friend is treating me like I’m a lunatic-“

  “Because you are! You have been for months.”

  I was yelling now, and it didn’t feel good to become that person. All people ever did to Ens was yell, but how else was I supposed to get through to her? It was the only thing she responded to now that she’d crossed some fucked up line.

  “Don’t yell at me,” she screamed, tears slipping from her eyes that almost - almost - made me give her what she wanted. But that wouldn’t be good for her anymore.

  Maybe it never had.

  I stormed forward, stopping within a foot
of her. If I touched her, this would end badly. Not because I’d hurt her. That would never happen. No. I couldn’t touch her because I wanted to so badly.

  “We never talk anymore. Have you noticed that? All you ever do is crawl in my window to sleep, and most of the time it’s so late that you think I’m already asleep. But I’m not. I hear you crying. I feel you shaking next to me, and you won’t tell me what’s wrong. And when I do wake up, when it gets too loud to keep my eyes closed and pretend I don’t notice, all we do is fight or fuck. If anybody is using someone, it’s you, Ens. You’ve been using me for the last year, and I can’t take it anymore. I won’t.”

  Fuck!

  What was I saying? It was as if my mouth opened up and every thought poured out without a filter, all of it just spilling between us like toxic sludge, our feet covered and legs splashed, an inky black oil that burned our skin until it was peeling off.

  She stumbled back as if slapped, her tears drying up and her skin shading red. That monster inside her was rearing its head, that thing she’d created to eat away at her whenever she was forced to feel something.

  “Is that all you think of me?”

  Ens stripped off her shirt and tossed it to the ground, my eyes trailing down to her naked chest because she hadn’t bothered with a bra. It couldn’t be helped. I was a guy. Of course my gaze dropped there, but I forced it up, watched her face instead as she flicked the button of her shorts to shove them down.

  This is what she did. Fought with me and fucked me, but I was determined to deny her this time. She needed to see herself. She needed to see us, and this couldn’t be what we looked like.

  Not us.

  Not two kids who had clung to each other despite it all.

  “What? You’re getting a scholarship and running off to college, so now you’re too good for me? Is that what’s going on? Everybody is too fucking good for me. All of you laughing behind my back. Using me for what I’m good for. Why would anybody want to touch the poor, little disgusting whore? Even you. Right, Noah?”

  Shoving her underwear down, Ens stepped out of them, her clothes left in a pile on my floor as she walked to the bed to sit down. Her eyes tipped up to me, but I didn’t see her behind them. She was cold. Vacant. So damn empty there was an echo in her voice that reminded me of a deep canyon.