Nicole
“Pft, that won’t be happening anytime soon.” Dec’s words ring in my ears like they have done since the moment they passed his lips. I was happy with things how they were. We were having fun, and all that stuff was for worrying about in the future, but suddenly it’s all I can think about. He doesn’t want to get married. I’ve no idea if he doesn’t want to marry me, or just doesn’t want to get married full stop, but hearing those words gutted me.
My head’s a mess. Yesterday was emotionally draining enough; I didn’t need this on top of that. I spend the whole drive home trying to figure out how just a couple of words can throw my world into such a spin, but I can only come up with one answer. I want what everyone around me has. I want stability. I want a family. I don’t necessarily mean I want a load of kids—maybe one day—what I want is someone I can come home to every night and wake up to every morning. I want a home that is ours, and a life together. And I want all that with a guy who wants the same things.
The whole day, I have one eye on the front door, waiting for him to walk through and demand to know what my disappearing act was about. I feel ridiculous that such a flippant comment by him can make me act and feel like this. I don’t want to admit how badly it’s affected me, but I know I’m not going to have a choice. The second he turns up, he’s going to demand to know why I ran away, and saying it’s because I missed Bailey won’t be enough.
Locking the shack up for the night, I look around, not believing he hasn’t been here. I know they had some family stuff happening in Cornwall, but the plan was to head back here once Molly, Ryan and Lois left for their honeymoon. Lucas booked everyone a couple of nights in his hotel so they didn’t have to head home so soon.
My house is in darkness when I get home, apart from the lamp I left on for Bailey in the living room, and my heart drops. Did he really mean what he said, and he knows I ran because of it? Does he think I’m some wedding obsessed girl all of a sudden who needs to know this relationship is going somewhere? Who am I kidding, that’s exactly what I am! I don’t need to get married tomorrow, or even next year, but I need to know he’s in this with me for the long haul. Life’s too short to waste it with someone who doesn’t want the same things as you, no matter how much you love them.
I fall back on to the sofa, feeling sorry for myself as Bailey nudges my arm out of the way so he can snuggle in.
I’m woken when my phone starts ringing in my pocket. The first thing I notice when the screen lights up is the time. It’s half past two in the morning.
My heart plummets when I see Lilly’s name.
“Shit.” In my panic, I manage to drop the phone. I fall to the floor and I’m on my knees when I successfully swipe it to answer.
“What’s wrong?”
“Is Dec with you?” The emotion in her voice makes my heart start to race.
“No. Why?” I ask hesitantly.
“Fuck. He’s not there,” she says away from the phone before I hear mumbling in the background.
“Lilly what’s going on?”
“We’ve…uh…”
“Lilly, just tell me.”
“We’ve had some bad news. He hasn’t taken it very well and he just took off. He’s been drinking, Nic. If he’s got on that bloody bike, I’ll…kill him,” she ends on a whisper.
“Fuck.”
“Nic, I’m so scared. The guys have all gone to see if they can find him, but it’s not going to be good, I can feel it.”
“You don’t know anything yet.” I try my best to calm her down, but I know all too well how they know what’s going on with each other, and if she says he’s in trouble, he is. “Have you called the hospitals?” When her response is to break down, I know it’s the wrong question to ask, but I’m trying to be sensible about this. “Are you at home? I’m coming around.”
“No,” she wails. “Stay there. He might come to you. Please, stay.”
“Okay, okay. Is there anything I can do from here?”
“Pray.” I don’t want to tell her that after everything that happened with Mum and what she went through, I don’t believe in all that, so I reluctantly agree. What else can I do?
We keep the call connected for over an hour in the hope he’ll turn up, but there’s no sign of him, or any word from his search party.
I hung up on Lilly just over thirty minutes ago, and I’ve been sat staring at the blank TV Dec put up on the wall when I hear the rumble of an engine outside.
I throw the front door open when I get there and run out into the street barefoot. My panic ensures I don’t feel any of the stones I stand on as I make my way to the bike pulled up to the curb. I’m relieved he’s here, but even from a few feet away I can see he’s got the weight of the world on his shoulders. I may have stayed on the phone to Lilly, but I still have no clue what the bad news was.
I’m in front of him just as he pulls his helmet off and the look in his eyes kills me. They’re dark and haunted.
“Dec?” I whisper. He doesn’t say anything. He just climbs off his bike before pulling me into a bone crushing hug. “It’s okay, it’s okay.” I hold onto him just as tightly as I try to calm my racing heart. He’s here, and he’s in one piece.
He shows no sign of letting me go, but knowing I need to let Lilly know he’s safe has me pulling away and leading him back to the house.
He falls down onto the sofa as I grab my phone and walk into the kitchen.
“He’s here.”
“He’s okay?”
“He’s in one piece but he doesn’t look okay. What’s happened, Lilly?”
“It’s…uh,” she hesitates. “I don’t want to tell you over the phone.”
“Just tell me.”
“It’s Mum.” Those are all the words I need to hear. I know exactly what’s coming next. My hand shakes as I reach out to the counter to help hold me up, because the words I’m about to hear are going to floor me, I know it. “It’s cancer,” she whispers, I guess in the hope that if she doesn’t say it aloud, it might not be real. I know, I’ve been there.
“Fuck.” It feels like the ground’s just been pulled out beneath me. “How bad?”
“Not good. She didn’t want anyone to know before the wedding. They’ve been keeping it to themselves for weeks, Nic.”
“Fuck,” I repeat, because I’m incapable of saying anything else right now.
“Go look after Dec. I’ll call the guys back. Call me if you need anything.”
I hang up and lean back against the counter. I can’t deal with this again. I can’t watch someone else I love go through all that treatment.
“Nicole?” When I look up, Dec’s stood in the doorway, still wearing his leather jacket, and fear still filling his eyes.
“I didn’t…Lilly just…shit.”
His arms come around me just as I begin to drop. My head’s spinning, and I have no idea which way is up.
Dec lowers me to one of the dining chairs before going back into the kitchen and putting the kettle on as a huge wave of deja vu hits me. No matter how bad the news is, the first thing everyone always does is go for the kettle.
“I don’t want a fucking cup of tea.”
Dec’s movements still for a beat, then he carries on getting a mug and opening the coffee canister.
He makes himself a coffee before walking past me and sitting on the sofa.
He needs me. I can’t drown in my own fears right now. This is about him and his mum, not me and mine.
Taking a big breath, I get up and sit next to him. “Tell me everything.”
I force myself to sit and listen to my worst nightmare—history repeating itself. “It’s quite aggressive, apparently. Chemo starts Tuesday, then she’ll have an op before radiotherapy.” Every part of my body urges me to tell him that it’ll be okay, that she’ll come through it, all those statements that used to drive me fucking insane, because how do they know if it’s going to be fine? What’s the point in believing someone who doesn’t have a fucking clue, to only have
that hope shattered when they’re inevitably wrong?
“Have they given any indication about the future?”
“She’ll be fine. She has to be.”
“But—”
“No, Nic. I know what you want to say, and I don’t want to hear it right now. She’s going to have treatment, and she’s going to be fine.”
“But—”
“NO,” he shouts, slamming the mug down and striding to the other side of the room. “I can’t hear it right now,” he repeats before storming from the house. The whole building shakes with the force he slams the front door with.
“SHIT,” I shout, and drop my head into my hands.
I don’t get a wink of sleep. Thoughts of Mum’s fight fill my head, and my fear of watching someone else I love go through that. I know I need to be here for Dec and Lilly, for all the Morrisons, but I can’t. I can’t deal with this.
Declan
After getting back on my bike and driving all night, I eventually fall down on to my bed with a bottle of whiskey sometime mid-morning. I couldn’t really give a fuck about the time. Time means nothing. As more passes, it’s just less time we have.
I fucking knew something wasn’t right with Mum. She was too pale and gaunt, she was too emotional, and cried too much. I should have seen this, or something, coming, but I was blindsided by it, and my first reaction was to run.
The only time I venture out of my room the next day is to get another bottle of whiskey. I drink, I sleep, and I feel sorry for myself. It’s pathetic, I know. I’ve got no real reason to lose myself like this; other people have much worse problems. But shit, I can’t seem to drag myself from this pit I’ve fallen into.
My phone rings constantly, but I ignore it. I’m not up for allowing the outside world into my misery. The guys knock on my door and try to get me out, but the only words that fall from my lips are fuck off. I should probably be worried about my business, but I know everyone’s capable of keeping it going. That’s what I pay them all for, let’s face it.
It’s not until the one person who can slap some sense into me forces her way into my hideout that I start seeing sense.
“Declan Morrison, open this fucking door right now, or I’ll get Ben to take it down,” she warns from outside. “I fucking mean it. He’s here and ready to barge.”
“All right, all right,” I mutter.
I pull on a pair of shorts on the way to unlock the door, and the second she hears the click, Lilly is pushing down the handle and barging into the room.
“What the fuck, Dec? How is you hiding in here helping anyone?”
I shrug and walk over to the doors to look out over the bay.
“Shrugging isn’t a fucking answer.” Shit, she must be pissed off. That’s about five fucks already.
“I’m sorry, all right?”
“You don’t need to be apologising to me. It’s Mum and Nicole who need you right now, you idiot.”
“Why, what’s happened?”
“Well, nothing, but Mum starts treatment tomorrow, and she should be relaxing and looking after herself, but she’s too busy worrying about you.”
“What about Nicole?”
“She’s a mess, and she needs you. Everything she’s been trying to fight through is now being dragged back to the surface. She barely survived it all last time. She needs all of us, but mostly she needs you. I know you’ve got to deal with this too, but Mum is still here. Yes, she has a fight on her hands, but she’s here. Nicole’s isn’t. She’s seen the bad side of all this and she can’t see past it. You need to go to her, Dec. You need to allow her to deal with this in her own way, and you need to support her so she can support you.
“Now, I suggest you sleep this off,” she says, collecting up the bottles of whiskey. “Have a shower, and go and fight for her. Listen to her, do whatever the fuck it is she needs you to do, because I won’t lose her. I won’t lose her because of you.”
Lilly doesn’t need to say any more. Her reality check hits exactly where she intends. No sooner has she walked out of my room than I’m stripping off my shorts and jumping in the shower. Fuck sleep. She mentioned losing Nicole; I don’t have time for sleep. I need to sort this out now.
* * *
“Is she here?” I demand when Liv opens her front door. My first stop was the shack, but even though she was scheduled to work today, no one has seen her. My stomach is full of dread, and the look on Liv’s face as she opened the door doesn’t calm me down any.
“No.”
I barge my way in. It’s not that I don’t trust her, but I need to see for myself.
“Dec, she’s not here.”
“Where is she?”
“I…I don’t know.”
“You’re lying.”
“I’m not.” Liv refuses to make eye contact with me, and her face and neck are flushed red. She knows exactly where Nicole is, and she’s a shit liar.
“Tell me where she is.”
“I don’t—”
“Bullshit. Tell. Me.”
“Dec, she made me promise not to tell you,” she sighs.
“I don’t care what she said.” I stare at her until I see her crack.
“Fine. She’s gone to see her mum.”
“Her mum?”
“Yeah. Don’t ask me where exactly, because I have no clue.”
It only takes a couple of seconds before the image of where Nicole said her mum wanted her ashes scattered enters my head. “Fucking hell.”
I pull up the postcode for the crematorium as I walk back towards my bike and put it in the SatNav the second it starts up. Five and a half hours. Is she having a fucking laugh?
The drive feels like it takes forever. My anxiety over what I’m going to find when I get there means each long road seems never ending. I have everything I want to say to her planned out in my head. I know I need to apologise for shouting and walking out the other night. I need to tell her that I understand how hard this is going to be for her, but no matter what, I want her by my side.
As I drive up to the crematorium, I find a gathering of people out the front, and I cringe as they all look my way as the bike rumbles past them.
Stretching my back out, I climb off the bike before shaking my legs to get my blood flowing. I should have stopped at the services but I was too desperate to get here. With my helmet under my arm, I head off in the direction I remember Nicole pointing towards the one and only time I was here before.
Thankfully, I left the grey sky and rain behind. The sun’s shining brightly up here, and it makes this place seem a little less depressing. As I walk past the small gravestones, there are a couple of people placing flowers down for loved ones, but it’s pretty quiet. It means that as I come over a small hill, she’s easy to spot. She’s sat with her back against a giant oak tree, her legs bent up as she focuses on something on her lap.
She’s totally oblivious that I’m approaching, and I don’t feel right interrupting whatever she’s doing, so when I get to the gate, I silently close it behind me before jumping up onto the fence. I keep my eyes on her, reminding myself why I’ve always been so infatuated with her. Her auburn hair shines in the sun and rests on her milky white shoulders, hiding her slim neck that I’m slightly obsessed with. She’s only wearing a vest, denim shorts and flip-flops, but to me, she’s never looked better. I wait and watch her for the longest time as she writes something into the book on her lap. It’s not until some movement next to her catches my eye that I realise Bailey is with her—of course he is! He wanders off, sniffing across the field, and she follows his movement. That’s when she sees me.
Even from across the field, I see her mouth drop open in surprise as she stares back at me. The moment our eyes connect, I’m reminded of all the reasons I’m here, of why I love her so fucking much. Fear and vulnerability are pouring from her. In my sheer panic, I forgot how this was all going to affect her. My selfishness made me forget she’s already experienced what Mum’s about to embark on, and she had the
worst outcome. I’ve no idea how this is all going to turn out; Mum might be one of the lucky ones. I can only hope. But no matter what happens, I need Nicole to know that I’m going to be by her side, no matter what.
Chapter Nineteen
Nicole
The sound of Yesterday Once More by the Carpenters fades away as I pull my ear buds out and continue to stare at Dec sitting on the fence at the other side of the field. I should be angry that Liv caved and told him where I’d gone, but all I feel is relief. Relief that he must understand where my head’s at, because he’s come to find me, to rescue me from the memories of Mum’s last days that have been on repeat since he left that night. I know I’m being selfish; my mum’s not the important one right now. It’s Susan who needs our help and support, and as terrified as I am about history repeating itself, I know that in reality there’s no way I can walk away from this. Susan, all the Morrisons, mean too much to me to walk away from them because of my stupid fears. Guilt engulfs me as I think about the fact that I should be supporting Dec right now, not running away and getting lost in my own head.
I stand at the exact same time Dec jumps down off the fence. The moment his feet hit the ground, I’m running. My notebook’s forgotten about, along with the pen, and I run as fast as my legs will allow until I’m wrapped in the safety of his strong arms.
The second I feel him squeeze me tightly, the damn breaks and I sob into the fabric of his t-shirt until it’s soaked through. As I breathe in his familiar, comforting scent, images of Mum fill my head. The sound of her infectious laughter and her twinkling eyes, before they were clouded by the pain of all her treatment. Memories of her last weeks, brushing her wiry hair and painting her nails in an attempt to make her feel good about herself. I blow out a shaky breath as I try to rein my thoughts in and focus on what’s important right now.
He doesn’t say anything; he doesn’t need to. All I need is him. I didn’t acknowledge it, but after not hearing from him since he left my house early yesterday morning, I was scared my selfishness had ruined us. That he couldn’t understand my reaction. But he’s here. He came to find me. He gets it. He knows, and he’s here.
Falling For Declan (Falling Book 8) Page 23