Friends With Benefits

by Lisa Swift

  ‘I’m not a simp. I just like her, that’s all.’

  ‘Yeah, whatever. I reckon she owes you some action, the way you’re always running after her. Don’t want to die a virgin, do you?’

  ‘I heard they can tell,’ Crucial said soberly.

  Connor frowned. ‘You what?’

  ‘If you die a virgin, they can tell.’

  ‘How can they tell?’

  ‘Dunno, from how pink your dick is or whatever. They can tell if you haven’t used it. And they have to put it on your death certificate, so then everyone knows. Like, they legally have to.’

  ‘Like hell they do.’

  ‘Seriously. My brother works in a hospital and he told me.’

  ‘Not something I need to worry about then,’ JJ observed airily.

  ‘You are so full of shit, JJ,’ Oli said. ‘We all know you’ve never even touched a girl.’

  ‘No, you’re right, I haven’t,’ JJ said, nodding sagely. ‘I don’t touch girls. Only women.’

  Oli snorted. ‘Yeah, right.’

  ‘I lost it in Year Eight, mate. Keep waiting for one of you virgins to catch me up.’

  ‘In Year Eight you started crying because you accidentally called Mrs Dubrovnik “Mum” in front of our whole class. Give you a pity shag afterwards, did she?’

  Connor nudged him. ‘Come on, Ol, let’s go get the bus.’

  They left Crucial and JJ to another game of ‘who can punch the hardest?’ and headed to the bus stop.

  ‘Well, have you boned her?’ Oli said when they were alone. ‘I won’t tell those guys, promise.’

  ‘Course I haven’t,’ Connor muttered.

  ‘What have you done?’

  ‘Not much. Just, you know, messing about.’

  ‘Tops and bottoms, or just tops?’

  Connor felt his cheeks burning. ‘You really promise you won’t tell JJ and Crucial?’

  ‘Course not. Best mates, aren’t we?’

  ‘Just kissing, that’s all,’ Connor mumbled, keeping his eyes fixed on the ground. ‘I mean, properly, with tongues and everything. Well, sort of properly. We’re still practising.’

  ‘Really, tongues?’ Oli looked suitably impressed. ‘Nice one. You’re still going to her birthday thing tonight, aren’t you?’

  ‘Course.’

  ‘Cool. Can’t wait to play Magic, can you?’

  Connor brightened. ‘I know, it’s going to be awesome.’

  He felt so much more relaxed when it was just him, Oli and Sophie, away from the bickering and banter of JJ and Crucial. He hated it when they talked the way they did about Lexie, or wound him up about Soph, but he knew letting them see just how much it got to him would only make them do it more.

  ‘So what’s up with your stepmum then?’ Oli asked. ‘They’re not going to start taking your stuff away or anything, are they? They do that if you can’t pay your bills.’

  Shit. Could they really do that? Connor hadn’t thought of that.

  ‘Hope not,’ he said, frowning. ‘She hasn’t said anything to me, but I heard her talking to my nan and I don’t think the restaurant’s been making that much. Not compared to the one Dad and Uncle Theo used to run anyway.’

  ‘Doesn’t your dad send her any money?’

  ‘Some for my food and clothes, and he sends me pocket money when he remembers I’m alive, but nothing to help Lexie. Him and her aren’t properly married now. I mean they’re not divorced yet, but they’re not like real married people any more.’

  ‘How come you don’t go live with your dad?’

  Connor snorted. ‘I’m not living with him. He doesn’t give a shit about me. He doesn’t give a shit about anyone but himself.’

  Oliver regarded him for a moment.

  ‘Don’t worry about Squadrons, Con,’ he said at last. ‘You can borrow mine when I get it. I’ll let you have first go.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Course. You’d do the same for me.’

  Connor smiled. ‘Cheers, Ol. You’re a good mate.’

  * * *

  When Connor got home, Tonya was sitting at the kitchen table with dozens of sheets of paper spread out in front of her.

  ‘Hi Nana.’ He looked at the printed sheets. ‘What’s all this crap?’

  ‘Hello, sweetheart.’ She stood up and crushed him in a hug. ‘It’s for this damn fool 1940s festival your stepmum’s got me involved in. I said I’d go through quotes from entertainment acts we’d like to book so the committee can put in a request for funding to the parish council. Nationalistic rubbish, but I suppose it’ll be popular with the inbred heathens around here.’

  ‘What’re you doing it for if you think it’s rubbish?’

  She shrugged. ‘Because I’m a cantankerous old bat whose only joy in life is to make life difficult for small-minded morons like Ryan Theakston. And because I care about this family and want that daft restaurant to do well, although I’d appreciate it if you’d keep that under your hat.’

  Connor smiled. ‘It’s all right. Lexie knows already.’

  She rested a hand on his cheek, smiling wistfully. ‘You look ever so much like your mum, Connor.’

  ‘I know. You tell me every time you come over.’

  ‘Well, I can’t help it. The older you get, the more of her I see in you.’ She sat back down and started shuffling papers about. ‘So. Off out tonight, I hear.’

  ‘Yeah, Lexie’s driving me over to Sophie’s soon as I’ve packed my stuff. Where is she anyway?’

  Tonya pulled a face. ‘On the phone. Guess who to?’

  She nodded in the direction of the hall. Connor could hear his stepmum’s raised voice coming from behind the door, her words muffled so she sounded like an irate bumblebee.

  ‘Ugh. Not Dad?’

  ‘I’m afraid so.’

  Connor opened the door and peeped around it. Lexie was in the hall with the landline phone to her ear, looking seriously pissed off.

  ‘For Christ’s sake, Daryl! I’m not asking for much, am I? It is half your house.’

  Connor glanced back at Tonya, who shrugged.

  ‘You were the one who left me paying for a lifestyle I never wanted; that you knew was always going to be beyond my means as a single woman,’ Lexie snapped. ‘God knows I did my best to convince you a house this size for just the three of us was ridiculous, but you were adamant—’ Lexie paused, scowling. ‘Yes, I know you pay your half of the mortgage, Daryl, but on my earnings I can just barely afford my share. Besides, there’s more to keeping a six-bedroom house—’ Pause. Scowl. ‘So what if you’re not living in it? Thanks to you I have to bloody live in it, don’t I? And so does Connor. I mean, the council tax alone is ruinous. Even if you were just able to send an extra fifty quid a month towards household expenses—’ She paused again, and her brow seemed to knit even tighter. ‘You’ll think about it, will you? Well how fucking magnanimous of—’

  She stopped suddenly when she noticed Connor watching her.

  ‘Connor,’ she said, forcing a smile. ‘You, er… you heard that, did you?’

  He nodded.

  ‘No chance you could pretend I said “flipping”?’

  He shook his head.

  ‘All right, I’ll put a quid in the swear jar later.’ She beckoned him over. ‘Here, come talk to your dad.’

  ‘Do I have to?’ Connor muttered.

  She covered the mouthpiece with her hand. ‘Come on, Con. You haven’t spoken to him for three weeks.’

  Sighing, Connor went to take the phone. Lexie disappeared into the kitchen and closed the door.

  ‘Hi Dad.’

  ‘All right, dude?’ his dad said in that falsely jovial tone he always used, as if his son was still five years old. ‘How’s it hanging?’

  ‘Not bad.’

  ‘School good, is it? I hope you’re studying hard.’

  ‘Yeah, fine.’

  ‘You’re, er… you’re in Year Nine now, right?’

  ‘Ten.’

  ‘Ten?’
His dad sounded puzzled. ‘I thought Year Nine was fourteen. You are fourteen still, aren’t you?’

  Connor was glad his dad couldn’t see him roll his eyes.

  ‘You turn fourteen in Year Nine,’ he said. ‘Then you go up to Year Ten. I’m an August birthday so I’m always youngest in the year.’

  ‘Right. So is this your big exam year then?’

  ‘No, that’s next year.’

  ‘Ah. Of course. Sorry, Connor, it’s a long time since my schooldays.’

  ‘What were you and Lexie arguing about?’

  ‘Oh, just some boring stuff about the house.’ Connor could almost hear his dad grin. ‘How’s the little girlfriend? Sophie, isn’t it?’

  Typical Dad. He couldn’t remember what year Connor was in, but he remembered every tiny detail of his love life.

  ‘She’s all right,’ Connor said cautiously. ‘We’re doing a thing for her birthday tonight.’

  ‘Are you indeed? A thing, eh?’ his dad said in the suggestive tone that made Connor want to puke. ‘Nudge nudge, wink wink, say no more.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘You know, the Monty Python sketch? Nudge nudge, wink wink? Eric Idle and Terry Jones?’

  Connor was silent.

  ‘Oh, come on! You seriously don’t know that?’ Daryl said. ‘That’s a classic, that is. I thought I raised you better than that, Connor.’

  Raised him? That was a laugh. Connor glanced at the kitchen door and squared his shoulders.

  ‘Dad, look. Were you going to send me any money soon?’ he demanded in a low voice.

  ‘Why, do you need some?’

  ‘No, but Lexie does. I mean, I think she might.’

  ‘Lexie has made it quite clear she’s no longer any concern of mine,’ Daryl said, his voice suddenly hard. ‘She makes her own way now. That was what she told me she wanted when we separated.’

  ‘I know, but the house isn’t just hers, is it? I’m not hers either, Dad. I don’t feel right getting money from you to spend on stuff for myself when she’s struggling to pay the bills for both of us.’

  ‘Ah. Struggling with the bills, is she? I suppose that means the restaurant’s floundering.’

  The note of satisfaction in his father’s tone made Connor want to swear and slam the phone down, hard. But he forced himself to stay calm.

  ‘I don’t think so,’ he said. ‘But it’s expensive managing a whole house, isn’t it? Electricity and stuff like that. And there’s food, school things, clothes…’

  ‘I send her money for everything you need. No one can ever say you’re not being provided for.’

  ‘But I won’t be provided for if we can’t afford to pay the bills, will I? Not if they start taking our stuff or throw us out of the house or whatever.’

  ‘Now come on, don’t exaggerate. Things can’t be as dire as all that; I’d have heard.’

  ‘All I know is, Lexie’s worried. That makes me worried too.’

  ‘Well… all right, let me look into it. I certainly don’t want you worrying.’ Daryl sighed. ‘Look, Connor. I’m glad I got this opportunity to speak to you. There was something I… something on my mind.’

  ‘What is it?’ Connor asked warily.

  ‘You know it won’t be long until my contract ends. I’ve been out here fourteen months now – another ten and I’ll be home again. It’ll soon flash by.’

  Connor felt a stab of worry. ‘You’re not moving back here, are you? Not into our house?’

  ‘No, that wasn’t what I meant. I mean, I’ll be back in the UK – for good this time – and I’d really like it if you and me… if there was a chance…’ He trailed off. ‘You do understand, don’t you, lad? Why I went? If I’d stayed we would’ve lost everything. I took the job in Japan for your sake.’

  Yeah, right. Like his dad had ever done anything for his sake.

  Connor had been thirteen when his dad had announced he’d sold the restaurant in Halifax and was leaving for a job abroad. He well remembered how distraught he’d been when his dad had half-heartedly talked about taking Connor with him and finding him a place at a British school out there. How he’d cried and cried, and Lexie had begged for him to be allowed to stay behind with her – and how his dad, with an all-too-obvious expression of relief, had agreed with barely an objection raised. For the sake of Connor’s education, he’d said. Certainly not because he wanted an excuse to get his son out of his sight.

  ‘If you say so,’ Connor said, as evenly as he could manage. ‘I don’t want to move in with you, though. I like it with Lexie.’

  ‘No.’ Daryl sighed. ‘No, I wouldn’t have expected that. But I do want me and you to… I love you, son. I hope you know that.’

  Connor didn’t know why, but hearing those words from his father made him feel… not good. Not like you were supposed to feel when your dad told you he loved you. All he felt was angry, and hurt; almost like he’d been punched. When was the last time his dad had said that to him? When he was four? Five? Before his mum…

  ‘OK.’ Connor was silent for a moment, scowling at the little leather address book that lived by the phone. ‘So will you send Lexie more money? I know you send her some for my stuff but it’s not enough. She says I grow out of clothes as fast as she buys them.’

  ‘Why, how tall are you now?’

  ‘I’m nearly six foot, Dad.’

  ‘Are you?’ Daryl fell silent for a moment. ‘Bloody hell.’

  ‘I think you should let her sell the house so we can live somewhere cheaper. She hates it here anyway. Everyone in the village thinks the new estate’s an eyesore and it should never have been built.’

  ‘You think that, do you?’ Daryl said sternly. ‘You seem to have an awful lot of opinions these days, young man.’

  There was a time when a comment like that from his father would have made Connor instinctively shut up and shrink back into himself. But then he thought about Lexie and everything she’d had to deal with since his dad had left, and he pulled himself up tall.

  ‘Yeah, I do,’ he said stoutly. ‘Good ones that I’ve thought about. Lexie told me I shouldn’t ever let people make me feel ashamed of being able to think for myself.’

  ‘I bet she bloody did.’ His dad sounded angry now; ready, as always, to fly off the handle at the slightest provocation. ‘She’s brainwashed you, hasn’t she? Turned you against me. Fuck, I knew it! I knew I should never have given in when you asked to stay with her.’

  ‘She hasn’t done anything to me,’ Connor said urgently. ‘She never told me to say this stuff – she doesn’t know I know anything about it. Don’t send me any more money, Dad, please: I don’t want it. Send it to Lexie. She won’t take it from me, but she’ll take it from you.’

  ‘Well, for your sake I’ll see what I can afford,’ Daryl said. ‘And perhaps you might like to think about how you speak to your father, Connor Carson.’

  ‘Fine,’ Connor said. ‘Bye then.’

  Connor didn’t wait for his dad to reply before hanging up.

  Chapter Four

  ‘I took the liberty of helping us both to a vodka and orange,’ Tonya said when Lexie sat down at the kitchen table. ‘I thought you could probably use one.’

  ‘You’re not wrong.’ Lexie took a grateful gulp of the drink. ‘Thanks, pseudo-Mum.’

  ‘How’s my erstwhile son-in-law then?’

  ‘He’s an utter, utter prick. No offence.’

  ‘None taken. What was he calling for? To talk to Connor?’

  ‘Are you kidding? When does he ever call to talk to Connor? I asked him to ring.’ Lexie glanced resentfully around the large kitchen with its faux-rustic aesthetic. ‘I was hoping he might agree to contribute something extra to this ridiculous house. He seems to think that as long as he covers his share of the mortgage, the rest of the running costs are nothing to do with him.’

  ‘Why don’t you put it on the market? The two of you are going to have to sell it at some point.’

  ‘Daryl won’t have it. He’s ob
sessed with bloody property price trends. Says we need to wait till we’re at the peak of the curve so we can release maximum value from it.’

  ‘Sounds like Daryl.’ Tonya took a thoughtful gulp of her drink. ‘You know, when my daughter first brought that boy home I was quite impressed. Elise was always such a strait-laced child, I was sure she’d end up marrying some dull bank-manager type and I’d have to spend every Christmas Day pretending I voted Tory and watching my language. When she turned up with Daryl Carson, with his earring and his green hair and his jacket with the Ban the Bomb patch, I was pleasantly surprised.’

  ‘How old was he?’

  ‘Sixteen when I met him. She invited him, Theo and a few other school pals over for a post-exam party, but it was Daryl she couldn’t keep her eyes off. I knew I was destined to have him for a son-in-law that day, young as they were.’

  Lexie smiled. ‘I bet you were so disappointed when he ditched the green hair and went into restaurant management.’

  ‘Well, that was my dad’s fault. He offered him a foot in the door in the hospitality business.’

  ‘And the next thing you know, his piercing’s healed up and he’s a leading light in the local Rotary Club.’

  ‘Yes.’ Tonya stared into her glass. ‘And yet he never was that way while Elise was alive. It was only after she died that he threw himself into work. He’d been a grafter before but it was when he lost Elise that he became…’

  ‘Career-driven?’

  ‘Obsessed.’ She sighed. ‘I know he can be a hard man to get on with, but you have to feel sorry for him. Elise left a big hole in his life. For me too, but for him… a widower at twenty-six, a single dad. Thank God he found you.’

  Lexie smiled. ‘You know, when he first brought me to be introduced to you I was scared stiff. I was sure you’d resent me for taking your daughter’s place in his life, and Connor’s. Instead you gave me a big hug then went out of your way to get me squiffy.’

  Tonya laughed. ‘Well, some things never change. Cheers, m’dear.’ They clinked glasses.

  ‘Why were you so nice to me?’

  She shrugged. ‘I could see you were good for him. For both of them.’

  ‘Not for Daryl,’ Lexie said. ‘I was too young, then, to understand why it couldn’t ever work between us. Now when he calls, he’s like a stranger. All we do is fight.’