by Lisa Swift
‘Think you’ve won now, don’t you, you son of a bitch?’ he muttered. ‘Well, fuck you, Dad. You don’t win. You don’t get to win.’
Then he fell to his knees and sobbed.
* * *
When Theo arrived back in Leyholme, he stopped at the old apothecary, which doubled as the village florist, and ordered some flowers to be delivered to Lexie. He wanted to do something to show her he’d been thinking about her. Poor lass must be worried sick. She was going to take a test tomorrow, if her period still hadn’t started. Tomorrow they’d know for sure…
He glanced at the Blue Parrot, but he didn’t really want to go back to his lonely flat just yet. A walk on the moors was a more appealing prospect, with the summer sun beating down and a radiant haze of purple heather clothing the hills. He took the path that led up past Humblebee Farm and out towards the old reservoir.
The thing was, while Lexie was worried sick, Theo himself kind of… wasn’t. Not as much as he’d have expected to be. When he thought about the baby that might come to exist then yes, he felt an instinctive surge of fear and self-doubt, as he always had when considering the prospect of being a father. But when that settled down, he found himself starting to think about the kid itself. Would it look like Lexie? A little girl maybe, with the same sparkling blue eyes as her mother, filled with humour, fun and warmth. Or maybe it would look like him. When Theo pictured a boy he usually imagined Connor as he’d been as a little lad, only with fair hair like his own.
He could teach the kid things, introduce them to the stuff he liked and enjoy it again through new eyes. Help them with their schoolwork, counsel them about relationships, teach them to play rounders and how to ride a bike. Connor would go with them. He’d be a brilliant big brother. They could go on trips and holidays, the four of them, a little family…
Theo had woken from a dream last night where they actually had been a family. Him and Lexie, Connor and the little one. And it hadn’t been the sort of dream you woke from in a cold sweat either; no, this had been the sort of dream you resented being pulled out of, and longed to get back into. The sort where your subconscious forces you to ask yourself difficult questions about what it is you really want.
Lexie would make a wonderful mum. He knew that from the way she’d raised Connor; the generous, loving nature that had spurred her to take the motherless little boy into her heart. Somehow, the horror Theo had always felt of parenthood shrivelled and died when he pictured Lexie at his side. He’d never known a woman like her. When she’d talked about dating, Theo had been shocked by the pain it had given him to think of her with someone else.
Damn fool that he was. When had he ever been jealous in his life before? He didn’t do monogamy, everyone knew that. Theo had always believed sex was fundamentally a recreational activity, to be enjoyed with any number of enthusiastic partners. It had nothing to do with love; not for him.
And yet he was forced to admit that for the first time, he was jealous. When he thought of someone holding Lexie, touching her, giving her the feelings and sensations he delighted in giving her, he felt angry enough to punch something. It sickened him to think of her responding to someone else with the same warmth and passion she showed to him.
He wasn’t only jealous on Lexie’s behalf either. He hated the idea of this potential new boyfriend getting close to Connor. He’d grown to love that kid, almost like his own son. Yes, he’d always be Con’s godfather, but things would have to change if Lexie fell for someone else. There’d be no more nights in front of the TV, just the three of them. No more cosy meals together, or teasing each other at the breakfast table. When the lad was in trouble and needed advice, perhaps it would no longer be his Uncle Theo he thought of calling first.
He felt a surge of anger towards this imaginary man, this future boyfriend, putting his hands all over Lexie and bonding with Connor. Taking Theo’s place in the family group. Bastard! Who the hell did he think he was?
The door to Humblebee Farm opened as he was about to pass it, and Nell’s mum Stevie emerged with her wife Deb and their six-year-old daughter Milly. Theo summoned a smile for them, putting his gloomy thoughts on hold.
‘Hiya guys,’ he said. ‘Visiting the family?’
Stevie nodded. ‘We popped up to see the new photos of the little one. Nell had her five-month scan yesterday.’
‘Everything OK?’
‘All present and correct, as they say,’ Deb said, smiling.
‘Do they know what they’re having?’
‘Yes, a little boy.’
‘Oh, lovely.’
‘I’m going to be his aunty,’ Milly said, puffing herself up.
Stevie laughed. ‘That’s the weird bit. I can cope with being a granny, but the idea of Milly as an aunty somehow makes me feel ancient.’
‘Mummy, can I show him the baby?’ Milly asked.
‘All right, Mill, go on.’
Stevie took a print of the scan from her bag and handed it to Milly. The little girl carried it to Theo, handling it with great reverence, as if it was something exceptionally delicate and precious.
‘This is my baby nephew,’ she told him with some importance.
Theo smiled. ‘Yes, I can see that. He looks like you, Milly.’
Milly seemed delighted at this. She skipped back to her parents.
‘He looks like me!’ she announced gleefully to her mums. ‘Did you hear the man say he looks like me?’
‘Come on, tiny.’ Deb held out her hand to Milly. ‘Let’s go home and show the baby to the doggies. See you later, Theo.’
Theo said goodbye and carried on with his walk.
Looking at the scan image had made him feel strange. Such a tiny, beautiful thing: perfectly formed, little fingers, little toes… would he and Lexie soon be looking at an ultrasound like that, of the baby they’d made together? The thought of it was terrifying, yet somehow his heart swelled. Their baby. His and Lexie’s. Theo knew, before it even properly existed, that he’d do anything for that baby. Give up his life for it if he had to.
His phone vibrated, and he took it from his pocket.
‘Lex,’ he said. ‘Is there news? Did you take the test?’
‘No need.’ Her voice was breathless with relief. ‘It’s OK, Theo. Aunt Flo is in the building. False alarm.’
‘Oh.’ He was silent for a second. ‘Great. That’s great news.’
‘Christ, what a relief, right? I mean, can you imagine? What a nightmare that would’ve been for us.’
‘Yeah. Nightmare.’
‘Anyway, it’s belt and braces for us from now on, mate. I’m going to the doctor’s tomorrow to get a prescription for the Pill.’
‘Good idea.’
‘We don’t want to take any chances, do we? That could’ve been a disaster.’ She was silent a moment, as if sensing something was wrong. ‘Are you OK, Teddy?’
‘Mmm.’ He roused himself. ‘Just relieved, that’s all.’
‘God, tell me about it. Anyway, back to business as usual, eh? Obviously not right now, but I’ll be up for some fun later in the week if you fancy celebrating.’
‘OK.’
‘Bye, love.’
‘Yeah. Bye, Lex.’
When she’d gone, he sank down onto a tuffet of heather and gazed out over the moors, dotted with sheep and farmhouses, the occasional black mill chimney rising from out of the settlements in the lush green valleys.
False alarm. He ought to be relieved. Why wasn’t he? The only thing he felt right now was sick.
He scowled, suddenly angry with himself. Had he really been allowing himself to fantasise about having a relationship; a family? What could he have been thinking?
It was his father’s death; that had to be it. Like a fool he’d let himself get sentimental over it. His brain, obviously seeing it as some sort of therapy, had started constructing visions of the sort of family he’d always dreamed of having himself as a child.
But it was a nonsense, wasn’t it? He couldn’t be
a father. Theo pitied any kid who had a dad like him inflicted on them.
Lexie obviously thought so too. He could still hear the palpable relief in her voice when she’d told him that she wasn’t, after all, unlucky enough to be carrying his child. Lexie, whose dearest wish, he knew, was a baby of her own. Not with him though. No, never with him.
Of course she was relieved: what woman wouldn’t be? What had she said about choosing Daryl over him the night they’d met – that he wasn’t a good investment? Damn right he wasn’t. A feckless, womanising manchild, hurtling towards his mid-thirties without a single committed relationship to his name. A commitment-phobe with a lifelong fear of intimacy and some seriously mammoth-sized daddy issues. That had to be just about the last man any woman would want to have a kid with. Lexie was probably popping open the champagne right now.
Well, he ought to be relieved too. He still had his precious freedom, after all. Lex had said it was back to business as usual as far as their friends-with-benefits arrangement was concerned – hell, she was probably setting up her online dating profile this minute. Lining up a few good investments; the sort of solid, reliable men you’d want to bring up a kid with. She might be happy enough to get her kicks with a man like Theo, but when it came to settling down then those were the men she’d choose, every time.
He took out his phone and pulled up the number he wanted.
‘Hi. Francesca?’ he said. ‘Yes, I’m sorry it’s been so long. I’ve had some stuff going on. Look, if you’re up for having another go, how do you fancy dinner later? I’m in the mood for some fun tonight.’
Chapter Twenty-Two
Lexie winced, resting one hand on her cramping stomach. While she’d never been happier to see her period, she felt seriously grotty with it. Why hadn’t she asked Theo over? Just because sex wasn’t on the cards didn’t mean they couldn’t spend a nice evening together, and she’d rather feel grotty snuggled against him.
She looked at the flowers that had arrived earlier and smiled. It was a huge bouquet, gorgeous summer blooms that seemed to cast a halo of colour all around them. The card that had come with them just said Thinking of you. Teddy x. It was a sweet thought, letting her know she was on his mind, especially when he must be going through horrors of his own. She well knew how the idea of becoming a dad terrified him, although it was only recently that she’d started to understand a little about why.
He was full of surprises, that man. Just when she thought she had the measure of him, she’d see a new side to him that she’d never suspected. When they’d started sleeping together, she thought she knew Theo Blake better than she knew anyone. She knew, for example, that he wasn’t the irresponsible charmer she’d once believed him to be; he’d proven that when he’d been there for her after Daryl had left. Theo was a good man, despite what on the surface might seem like a selfish, libertarian attitude to life and love: compassionate, generous and principled.
But it wasn’t until they’d made their FWB arrangement that Lexie felt she’d really got to know every part of him. Seeing how he cared for his poor mum; the complexity of his grief for the father he’d never known; the way he’d helped Lexie face her demons at the reunion and been there for her through this pregnancy scare, not to mention everything the two of them had been through with Connor this year, had deepened her understanding of her best friend until she felt she knew him almost as well as she knew herself.
Being with Theo had made her realise just how much she missed being in a healthy, loving relationship with someone caring and supportive. Yet somehow, every time Lexie went to set up a profile on Tinder, she couldn’t bring herself to go through with it. Whenever she thought about it she pictured Theo’s face, smiling at her, his eyes crinkling the way they did when she’d made him laugh, and she was overcome with guilty feelings. Yes, the arrangement was that they were both free to date whoever they liked, but it didn’t feel right, somehow. Perhaps unlike Theo, Lexie’s brain was just hardwired for monogamy.
Anyway, if dating meant having to end her friends-with-benefits relationship with Theo… well, she wasn’t sure she was ready for that yet. Obviously it would have to end at some point – she knew Theo didn’t want the things she wanted in life. But for now, what they had going on was meeting all her needs. When she thought about Theo, it produced a giddy euphoria that was almost like being on some sort of drug. He made her laugh, he made her happy and he made her feel good about herself. To throw that away for a bunch of necessary but almost certainly tedious dates with strangers as she tried to find the ever-elusive Mr Right…
She smiled at her flowers. No, there was no need to end anything yet. Not just yet.
‘What do you say to a takeaway for tea?’ she asked Connor when he slouched into the living room and threw himself down on the sofa. ‘I don’t think I can be arsed to cook tonight.’
‘Can we have pizza?’
‘If you like.’
‘Cool. Is Theo coming over?’
‘No, not tonight. Just me, you and a musical, I think,’ she said, ruffling his hair. ‘I’ll drive out to that new Italian restaurant. They do takeaway, and I’ve heard good things about their stonebaked pizzas. Sound OK?’
‘Yeah. Pepperoni please.’
‘Right, I’ll head out now,’ she said, getting to her feet. ‘You find us something to watch. I shouldn’t be long.’
* * *
‘Well, here we are again,’ Francesca said as Theo pulled back a chair for her to sit down. ‘I’m getting a strange feeling of déjà vu.’
‘Except this time we’re having Italian,’ he said, handing her a menu.
‘Not going to run out on me again, are you?’
‘Nope. Tonight I promise I’m all yours.’
He smiled his most beguiling smile and took her hand to press it to his lips. If he was doing this, then to hell with it. He might as well pull out all the stops, flirting-wise.
‘You know, Theo, you really didn’t deserve to be given another chance,’ Francesca said, pouting. ‘I’ve never had a man walk out on me in the middle of a date before. You could have at least called me.’
‘I’ve apologised for that. I told you, there was a family emergency. I’ve had a lot going on in my life recently.’ He stroked one finger lightly over the back of her hand. ‘You forgive me now though, don’t you?’ he said in a low, seductive voice.
‘Well, that really depends on how you intend to make it up to me.’
‘Tonight, my darling, I’m yours to command.’
She smiled. ‘That’s what I like to hear.’
He pressed her fingers to his lips again, and that was when he saw Lexie, standing at the hatch the restaurant’s takeaway service operated from. She was watching him with an expression of hurt disbelief that was unmistakeable. Instantly, instinctively, he let Francesca’s hand drop.
She frowned. ‘Theo? Everything OK?’
‘Of course.’ He managed to smile. ‘I’ll go up to the bar and pick us out a bottle of wine, shall I?’
‘The wine list’s right here. Just call the waiter.’
‘I like to see the colour though. You can’t judge the, er… the body without seeing it. I’ll just be a minute.’
He went to the bar, ordered the first bottle of wine he set eyes on to be delivered to their table then sidled up to Lexie.
‘Lex,’ he whispered. ‘What’re you doing here?’
‘Picking up pizzas for me and Connor. What are you doing here?’
‘I, um… I’m on a date.’ Why did he feel so ashamed to admit it? The look of hurt on her face when she’d spotted them – had he imagined that? It was gone now, and she was smiling an unconcerned smile.
‘Of course, so I see. Table Eight again.’ She patted his arm. ‘Well, enjoy yourself.’
‘Right.’ He turned to go back to Francesca, hesitated, then turned around again. ‘It’s OK, isn’t it? I mean, it’s what we agreed.’
‘Absolutely. It’s just what you do, isn’t it, Theo? It’s
what you’ve always done. You go and have fun.’
‘Have you… did you sign up for Tinder like you said?’
‘Oh, yes, a week ago,’ she said, picking unconcernedly at a bobble on her favourite comfy sweatshirt. ‘I’ve had quite a bit of interest actually.’
‘Really, already?’
She nodded. ‘I’ve got a date myself next week. High hopes for him too, so keep your fingers crossed for me.’
‘What’s he like?’
‘Oh, just my type. Well-dressed, handsome, loyal, dependable. Seriously great hair. Just a really, really nice guy, you know? We’ve spent hours messaging.’
‘Right.’ He glanced at Francesca, who’d spotted him talking to another woman and looked distinctly unimpressed. ‘But me and you are still… me and you, aren’t we?’
‘I don’t know, Theo. I’m not sure I can do what you do. I think it really has to be one bloke at a time for me.’
He blinked. ‘You’re not saying you want to end things?’
‘I’m… not sure.’ She looked over him to Francesca. ‘Maybe. I mean, it doesn’t matter to you, right? You’ll get plenty of offers from the other women in your little black book, and I’m definitely ready to move on to something more serious. Sex is all well and good, but sometimes you just need something deeper, you know?’
‘What, so after three months, that’s it? So long and thanks for all the orgasms, just like that?’
‘You knew it had to happen sometime, Theo. Now seems as good a time as any.’
He must have imagined the hurt look he thought he’d seen on her face earlier. She certainly looked entirely unconcerned now, not even making eye contact as she coolly called time on whatever it was they’d had together.
‘Right,’ he muttered. ‘So… see you at work then, I guess.’
‘Yeah. Guess so.’ She took her pizzas from the hatch and nodded her thanks to the server.
‘Lex, you’re not pissed off with me, are you? Only I thought this was what you wanted.’